10 December 2020 Call-In
I feel like a lifeless husk. My depression is hitting levels that I would consider peak. The constant thought of abandoning everything or even killing my self is taking the front of my thoughts like it has for years and years before but this time I have a 1 year old son. No progress in my life has ever slowed this feeling down, rather provided temporary relief. I make good money, I have been with my wife for 10 years, I can afford to keep her home with my one year old son, and I am valued at work. All signs point to a wonderful life, but inside I burn alive in rage, self hatred and self doubt. I tried therapy this year with two different people and I found them useless, to the point of evoking rage in me.
I am afraid the only thing holding me together most of the time is my work and right now its bad.
Now just to be clear, I am an alcoholic:
When work is bad, I drink, When my wife is gone, I drink, when I take care of my son all day and don't have the boobs he wants, I drink. When I say I drink I mean I drink 1 liter of wine or 100oz of light beer or 3/4 a 5th of vodka or a combination of all of it. I have the bloodline of high functioning alcoholics and it's a terrible curse. I can't count the amount of hung over days at work or the drunk fights with my wife. I can't count the missing memories because it's my whole adult life at this point. I am spending so much time and energy managing my emotions by ignoring them instead of dealing with the cause, that every moment of being sober without something pressing to do, is suffering.
So my question is: How do I stop self destructive behaviors so my son can learn what a healthy, happy father/man looks like and so I can live to see my grandkids?