Death by Distracted Dad! Freedomain Call In - Transcript


0:00 - Introduction
1:26 - Childhood Neglect
16:22 - Superficial Charm
22:54 - Parental Responsibilities
27:07 - Self-Blame Narrative
31:52 - Confronting Father
32:24 - Father's Denial
36:00 - Potential Explosions
40:24 - Confronting Emotional Violence
50:10 - Teenage Struggles
55:23 - Teenage Discovery
1:04:30 - Weight Loss Journey
1:11:21 - Skateboarding Accident and Weight Gain
1:17:45 - Relationship Reflections
1:23:39 - Seeking Guidance
1:28:04 - Childhood Fantasies Analysis
1:34:16 - Weight Loss Success
1:35:20 - Overcoming Self-Talk Habit
1:36:05 - Struggle with Authenticity
1:42:36 - Setting the Foundation
1:48:55 - Reflections on the Past
1:56:51 - Seeking Resolution
2:03:58 - Exploring Healthcare Options
2:08:08 - Virtue over Authenticity

Long Summary

In this heartfelt conversation, we delve into the caller's challenging upbringing, marked by their parents' divorce when they were just 13 years old, leading to neglect, verbal abuse, and a lack of emotional connection. The caller opens up about their struggles with coping mechanisms, identity issues, and ongoing health concerns. As the discussion unfolds, the host challenges the caller's narrative regarding their father's behavior, suggesting a more nuanced view that includes the possibility of sociopathic tendencies.

The caller bravely shares their experiences of feeling like a burden due to their father's lack of involvement in parenting, attributing blame to themselves for their parents' grief. The host expertly guides the caller, emphasizing that neglect is a form of abuse and helping them realize that their perceived shortcomings were influenced by their parents' actions. Through a poignant role-play, the caller gains clarity on their father's behavior and its impact on their self-perception, leading to a deeper understanding of their family dynamics.

Further insights emerge as the host shares personal stories of emotional interactions with their own father, touching on themes of dissociation and exploring family dynamics with extended relatives. The conversation shifts to the caller's struggles with self-confidence in relationships, tied to parental influences, past experiences, and anxiety. The caller candidly discusses weight issues, low self-esteem, and the ripple effects of their parents' divorce, reflecting on their journey towards confidence and self-acceptance.

The conversation takes a poignant turn as the caller reveals long-standing issues with identity and self-esteem, including a habit of pretending to be famous individuals during alone time well into adulthood. The host compassionately delves into the caller's deep-rooted need for affection, past relationship patterns, and underlying struggles with self-worth, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's past for personal growth and resilience.

As the dialogue progresses, the host and caller explore childhood behaviors and coping mechanisms, including mirroring others and setting high standards, which sometimes manifested as feelings of superiority. The host encourages humility, self-awareness, and surrounding oneself with virtuous individuals, underscoring the significance of personal responsibility and positive social connections in the caller's self-improvement journey.

In a touching conclusion, the host addresses various personal and emotional struggles faced by the caller, offering unwavering support, guidance, and admiration for their progress. The conversation closes on an uplifting note, with the host expressing gratitude for the vulnerable discussion and encouraging the caller to continue seeking help and prioritizing ethical growth over mere authenticity in their journey towards holistic well-being.


[0:00] Introduction

[0:00] Hello, Stefan. I'm a fairly new local subscriber and new to your work in general. As of late, I've become more aware of just how much my poor upbringing has affected me. My parents divorced when I was 13 years old, and I am now 23. I'm the youngest child of three, and throughout my childhood, I was neglected, verbally abused, and most of the time not taken seriously. My older brother and I didn't have an actual relationship until a few years ago due to our poor parenting. We weren't very close in childhood in our teen years and would often not get along as kids. As a result of my parents' abuse and neglect, I've been struggling with my identity, social connections, confrontation, and various coping mechanisms that I built up for myself when I was a child. From the ages of 13 to 21, I struggled heavily with anxiety and began to use weed, alcohol, nicotine, food, pornography, humor, nihilism, and sex as coping mechanisms. And for a long time, I would create fantasies in my mind as if I was someone else. And if I am remembering correctly, that was one of my first coping mechanisms. For around two years now, I've been struggling with a so far undiagnosed chronic bladder issue, and I'm also wondering if the stress from my adolescence has anything to do with my condition. I only began to fully try and better myself in 2022, but I've found there are still so many stumbling blocks in front of me. I feel exhausted from the trauma and the result of it, as well as my poor health. I feel that I'm constantly failing to be the person I want to slash need to be, and instead I am being the person my parents set me up to be.

[1:26] Childhood Neglect

[1:27] Yeah, that's a tough tale, and I sympathize. Do you want to start with childhood stuff?

[1:33] Stuff um yeah i could start from there for sure um so i think you know my memory is a bit, is a bit shoddy and i apologize in advance for this there's a lot of stuff i'm sure that i blocked out intentionally and some things that are just maybe unrecoverable because of how many years i was using weed but i'll try my best here to recollect things um i remember when i was younger one of the things that constantly comes up in my mind is just how um how my parents just they weren't really there it was it was a constant um you know it was a constant uh, like it felt like they were sorry i'm just getting a lot of creaking and.

[2:26] Clicking and banging and sounds.

[2:30] Oh, I'm sorry.

[2:31] I don't know if you've got a creaky chair or something like that, but it's a, it's a little distracting.

[2:37] Yeah, I think that was my chair there.

[2:39] No worries. Just if you could, I mean, if you need to move to a comfier chair or something, just if you can keep the background noise to a minimum, I would appreciate it.

[2:48] Absolutely. So I just found that my parents never showed interest in any or any, you know, any curiosity in anything that I wanted to do. and anytime that there was anything going on we were told to to take it outside or we would just get my my siblings and i my specifically my older brother and i um would be just punished for trying to have fun or we were i was always deemed as hyper and i talked too much um things like that where i was i was just trying to connect to my parents but they they pushed me away by saying I was hyper. I was too talkative. There were nicknames they would give me because I would talk so much. And it was very frustrating for me because I didn't really understand what any of that was about. My father never showed interest in any of my hobbies. Mine are my brother's hobbies. He was big into fishing, but he took us fishing maybe a handful full of times he never taught us to fish he never taught us any life skills aside from, aside from maybe manners like that was probably the one thing that that stuck with me from childhood yeah manners is mostly just bullying kids yeah.

[4:11] Manners is mostly just bullying kids and being afraid of being judged negatively on the part of the parents it usually doesn't have anything to do with caring about the kids just caring about appearances and usually anyway.

[4:23] No, you're spot on about that too, because it was like, before we would go out, maybe we're going to family friends' places or something. And it was like the drill sergeant, like, don't act up, blah, blah, blah, sit up straight, say thank you, say yes, please. employees, and whenever they would get feedback about our manners, which they would often, you know, if I went to a friend's house or something, the parents would be like, oh, he's so polite. And it's because they were, you know, he was ingraining that in my mind that I had to be like, you know, overly polite about everything.

[4:58] Oh, yeah. No, I find the so polite kids kind of terrifying because it's like, why? What's the matter? What's the matter with the kid? He's so polite. That's not right.

[5:09] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was really tough. And that was, you know, I've thought about it and I don't think like anything, anything except manners. I don't think I was taught, you know, my father didn't teach me to shave. He didn't teach me how to change a tire. I mean, it was, you know, just simple, just simple, you know, surface level stuff. up i wasn't really taught and i wasn't uh i was just you know he he was he was like a tv dad pretty much my mom wasn't really uh was pretty much dissociated for you know as long as i could be a lot.

[5:47] Yeah, he'd get home from work and he'd be in front of the TV. He would eat dinner back in front of the TV. Can't talk to him while he's watching TV. He's watching hockey or football or whatever, and I'm the one bugging him because I want to talk to him. Or maybe my brother and I are fooling around in the living room, and he's getting mad at us because we're making too much noise and we're too hyper and a lot of stuff like that. From both of my parents, there was a constant threat of, they would say, consequences, which was essentially just taking things away from us if we acted up. So, oh, don't do that. You're going to have consequences. There was never any physical abuse, but it was always heavy, heavy verbal abuse, yelling, giving us the silent treatment, very, very childish stuff like that. So we knew we did something wrong. They wouldn't talk to us. They'd be very short with us after they'd finished yelling at us. My dad would threaten violence sometimes for sure as well. I was very scared of him. It was just very terrifying for me whenever I had done something wrong because I could just hear his voice in my head. I could imagine his face. I could imagine him standing over me, the things that he would say. um and that was always uh that was always really really difficult for me and so keeping up with the manners like i mean that's why.

[7:13] Yeah i mean the manners people it's always like you know it's rude to ignore your kids and just sit in front of the tv like a freaking zucchini right that's pretty rude but you know it's all about others and looking good and right yeah yeah.

[7:29] That's what it seemed like. They cared very much about the image, but as soon as we got home, it was chaotic. It was like every man for themselves. I mean I my parents before they got divorced I mean we had a nice house they were they both work they you know they did well enough that we you know they were able to get us things and you know we had a nice house it was a nice neighborhood but I mean the way they treated us in the way that I was raised I just you know I would have traded all that in just to be just that just to have had loving parents essentially what.

[8:04] Do you mean every man for himself I'm not quite sure I follow that phrase.

[8:10] Um, yeah, I guess that's not very specific. Well, it was, they kind of just left us to our own devices. There was never any instruction in anything. At least that's, I think it was more so for me since I'm the youngest child of three. And I don't think we can get into this more as well. But I was, I don't think I was, I was an accident. Essentially, I don't think I was meant to be meant to be born. And so I think by the time I was growing up, my parents had both fully lost interest in parenting in general. And so I tried to be close with my brother because I wasn't very...

[8:46] Sorry, fully, I'm not sure what you mean when you say fully lost interest in parenting. What do you mean?

[8:53] It just seemed like they had given up by the time I was around. It seemed like my brother and sister had more instruction in things than I. Even then, they didn't have a lot of guidance. But when it came to me, it just seemed like I was left out and everything.

[9:12] Okay. And the reason I'm questioning this is that's an interpretation, right? They'd just kind of given up. They'd worn out. Yeah, that's true. true i mean there's there's lots of other reasons that could be the case i'm just curious why you would settle on that one because that's the nicest one right you know well dad just ran a marathon he doesn't want to come and play tag with me because you know he's just tired right like that's the nicest possible you know maybe it's true i don't know i'm just you know we're just talking for the first time but i'm always a little suspicious when people have the nicest possible interpretation reputation for pretty crappy parenting right.

[9:51] Yeah you're that yeah you're right.

[9:53] Maybe they would just like maybe they maybe they would be jerks maybe they would just uh they have kids and turns out that uh you know they just it's easier to watch tv than to you know deal with your kids because you're lazy you're like it could be any number of things but you give this like, tiredness thing like like that's just that's just the answer and i you know maybe i don't know but I don't even know what it means to be tired, right? I mean, did your dad go to work when he was tired? Yeah. Of course he did.

[10:22] Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

[10:23] So, you know, did he expect you to be, did you get to say, well, I'm kind of tired, dad, so I don't think I'm going to be able to be polite?

[10:35] No, absolutely not.

[10:36] So your dad did not accept tiredness as an excuse, did he?

[10:44] No, not that I could think of, no.

[10:46] No, of course not. You didn't get to say that, right? So if your dad doesn't accept tiredness as an excuse for you, why would you give tiredness as an excuse to your dad?

[10:59] Right, yeah, that's, yeah, I never, And yeah, I was just going with that narrative without really thinking about it.

[11:06] You know, I mean, I don't think it's fair to say, look, there's times when you're tired, right? And your quality of, you know, I mean, I'm a parent, right? So there's times where you're tired. And yeah, the quality of your parenting is not going to be quite as good. Okay, that's fine. But, you know, at least then don't be the person who's like, well, kid, you're not allowed to be tired. You don't get tiredness as an excuse. I, as a grown-ass adult, chose to have children. Well, I get this excuse called tiredness. But man, you don't get this excuse.

[11:34] Right.

[11:36] And he didn't give you that excuse, did he? Oh, son, you're tired. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, you don't have to be polite.

[11:45] Yeah, there was never any leeway.

[11:48] There's no excuse for rudeness. Okay. All right. Then there's no excuse for crappy dissociated parenting then, right? Isn't that the deal? I mean, parenting is slightly more important than minor politeness when you're a kid, right?

[12:03] Yeah, definitely.

[12:04] So, yeah, that was sort of, sorry, sorry to be jumping in there, but I was just like, wait a minute, why is tiredness now a thing?

[12:11] That's very, uh, it's very true. Yeah. It was, um, the best way I could describe my father is that he, um, I don't know how else to explain it. It was like, he was always cranky. Like there was always something wrong. He couldn't be, he couldn't be happy with anything. thing and there were times where he was um happy and where he was like present with us like emotionally and mentally but that was like you know not that was not often and so it was, mostly what i think of him in my childhood it was just him you know just um it was just him, telling us to that we were too hyper that i was too talkative that we needed to calm down just him reprimanding me for for things that i i didn't really understand you know why I was in trouble. And I just wanted attention from my parents. And maybe I was talkative, but I mean, I wanted to talk to my parents, but I never really felt that I had that. I never really felt that I could talk to them. I never really felt that... I don't think I ever really spent quality time with them. It was maybe on holidays or something like that, but I felt like I was being blamed for wanting to have parents. That's just how it felt. And so it's.

[13:32] Those are like the memories I have of my father watching TV and like shushing me because I wanted to talk to him or because I was asking him questions about things that I had seen. But, you know, it was like, oh, go outside.

[13:45] You know, you wanted to be parented.

[13:46] Go play with your brother or whatever. Yeah, absolutely. So that was really hard.

[13:55] Yeah, you wanted to be parented and you wanted to believe that the guy who decided to give birth to you might actually enjoy your company.

[14:04] Exactly, yeah.

[14:06] Now, listen, I say this with all sympathy. I really do. But you're like a terrible liar. I'm sorry to be rude. I really am.

[14:17] But in what way? No, I'm interested.

[14:21] I'm sorry?

[14:21] I'm interested to hear.

[14:22] And I don't say this with any negativity at all. I'm sure you believe the lies and so on. But yeah, it's pretty bad. um uh okay so you you you're trying to sell me the story like well dad you know he's just always grumpy right yeah.

[14:39] I don't i don't mean like um i don't mean to make excuses for them i just mean that's like uh.

[14:44] No no but it's not true actually.

[14:46] That's what it seemed like.

[14:47] For me i don't want to, okay and that's what i mean when i say like god love you for a liar but you know this is this This is not even close to true. And how do I know that?

[14:58] Okay.

[14:59] How do I know that?

[15:07] Yeah, I'm not sure. I'm interested to hear.

[15:11] Well, wasn't he really big on politeness?

[15:16] Yes, yeah.

[15:17] Right. So was he rude when you were out there with other people in company or out about town or where he could be judged? Or were you socializing? Was he just rude all the time?

[15:29] No, never.

[15:30] Oh, look at that. Look at that. He's got tons of energy. He's not rude at all. He's not tired. He's not grumpy. He's not grouchy. He's not anything, right? He's perfectly civilized.

[15:41] Right.

[15:42] So, you know, I appreciate the attempt to snowjob me. Like, I really do. Like, I think that's impressive. It's actually impressive that you would think I'd fall for that. Like, that's really, that's kind of cool.

[15:54] Like, good for you.

[15:55] Man. Like, the optimism that you have in that story is like so impressive, I can't even tell you. like i don't i don't you know like good for you man i think i've now met your father.

[16:09] Yeah yeah no that's right that's i.

[16:11] Say this with all affection and no like it's fine it's but you know you see what i'm coming from right.

[16:18] Yeah absolutely yeah absolutely i mean that's yeah that's mind-blowing to me really is.

[16:22] Superficial Charm

[16:23] Yeah guy had tons of energy for strangers right i bet you he was great with waiters and you know Or whoever, right?

[16:30] Or his own children.

[16:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strangers, absolutely. We're all kinds of lovely.

[16:35] Right? With people like that.

[16:36] Sorry?

[16:37] Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I was just saying, you had all the charisma with people like waiters and out in public. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[16:45] Best guy ever, right? You had all that. You're probably like, man, your dad's great.

[16:49] Yeah, absolutely.

[16:50] Yeah, yeah.

[16:51] Yeah.

[16:51] Do you know what they call people who are really kind of rude to their own family member but really nice to strangers and really charming with strangers.

[17:04] Oh, no, I don't.

[17:05] Well, I mean, I don't know for sure, but it seems like sociopathy to me. Because it's a superficial charm.

[17:13] Right?

[17:13] That's one of the characteristics of a sociopath. And I'm not calling him a sociopath. I'm just saying that that's, you know, one of the minor characteristics, right?

[17:22] Yeah, definitely.

[17:23] But yeah, so then there the question is, well, why? why is he um why is he he giving you this this indication that he's so tired and exasperated all the time when he has tons of energy for strangers, because it's i mean he's lying right like this this kind of not really it's it's it's a marker of of it's a it's a a display like a marker it's a sort of a threat gesture almost right but so why Why would he want to give you this impression that he was just so tired and grumpy all the time when it's not true? Because, you know, I'm sure the phone rings, the doorbell rings, and he's like all kinds of pleasant, right?

[18:07] Yeah, definitely.

[18:08] So what's going on? What's he doing?

[18:10] Doing I'm not I think he was like the whole marriage to me when I look back on it it seemed like he just kind of settled and did something he didn't want to do and then he was stuck in it and so he was just unhappy but didn't want to give that impression to people I guess she wanted to he wanted to lie about it so he would still look good so his so his image wouldn't be wouldn't be tainted i mean that's what it uh seemed like to me you're.

[18:51] A very nice young man.

[18:55] Oh so charitable i'm not trying to be no no.

[18:58] I i mean i get.

[18:59] A bit of a survival mechanism and.

[19:00] All that but uh you're a very nice young man and you know i appreciate that you know that's going to serve you well in life i don't think it serves you particularly well with understanding your.

[19:08] Family which.

[19:08] Is probably why we're talking but you are a very nice young man with a very charitable very very kind very thoughtful very best you know think the best of people right.

[19:19] Right yeah i don't want to be in this case but i'm, yeah it's just it's hard for me to to to wrap my head around a lot of that and to to go deep and that's what you know that's why i wanted to call but it's like Like, yeah, I mean, just, yeah, that's the impression I got was that he just kind of settled with my mom and then.

[19:46] Okay, no, but with regards to you.

[19:47] I just don't know. I really don't know.

[19:49] Sorry, with regards to you. Yeah. Why would he give you the impression that he was just so tired and grumpy and all of that?

[20:05] Well, I just, I think he didn't want to be around me for some reason of which I'm, I'm not sure.

[20:12] Well, you're taking it personally, right? It wasn't personal to you, right? Because it was everyone. It was his wife, the whole family, wasn't it? I mean, unless he had some sort of family.

[20:23] Yeah. Especially later on. No, I don't. Well, maybe my, maybe my older sister, I think. Yeah. I think she was probably his favorite, for sure.

[20:36] Right.

[20:37] But I never really noticed that until I was older, I think. There was a lot that was not obvious to me when I was younger. I didn't pick up on a lot of the things.

[20:50] Right. Okay, so the general reason why parents, and I know all these tricks. Like I've been a parent, I've been a parent now for almost 16 years. Right. So, and so the reason why your father would constantly give you the impression of irritation is so he didn't have to provide you resources as a father to, to warn you away from, from wanting things from him.

[21:19] Right.

[21:20] And it comes out of an insecurity to some degree, which is, I really, I don't, I don't really want to give anything. thing so I'm going to pretend like I don't know if you've ever had this where you've been at a job and some guy is just like man I'm just I'm so overworked I'm so busy I'm so this I'm so that right and you know maybe he's not really right but so why does he do that, why does he constantly give the boss the impression that he's just so overworked.

[21:49] Right he wants he wants less work he doesn't want to do the job.

[21:52] Yeah yeah yeah I'm so busy I'm so this I'm so that and all of this is just so that The boss doesn't give him work, right? So your dad didn't want you to bother him. So he put out this general sense of grumpiness so that you would not bother him. If that makes sense.

[22:18] Right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[22:24] So it's not personal to you, right? It's not like the guy doesn't hate the boss who does that with his boss, right? He just doesn't want the work, right? Just doesn't want to do the work. Now, as to why he didn't want to do the work, well, I don't know. I mean, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. Because what we're dealing with, and we can theorize about your father all we want, or your mother, right? But, you know, the fact is that he didn't do a job. It sounds like he didn't do the job of parenting, right?

[22:54] Parental Responsibilities

[22:55] Now, of course, you know, I can say, well, gee, that's a real shame, because, you know, parenting is actually a lot of fun, right? It's a great thing to do, and, you know, boy, did he ever miss out on a lot, right? Right. Like somebody asked me the other day, you know, do you, do you feel, did you ever have a thing with your daughter where you're like, you're so sad because your mom didn't have this much fun with you and so on. And, and you say, you know, and I'm like, I think it is really sad. You know, I think my mom, you know, and your dad or whatever, like the parents who didn't really do much parenting because they were kind of lazy and they preferred the TV. Like my mom was a big TV person too. And it's like, well, gee, that's really, that's really sad. You know, what a, what a sad situation, right? How tragic that somebody would make those choices. Right. and say, well, gee, but why would they do that? It's like, well, why would that matter, right? That just the fact is that they did do that, right? The why, I mean, you'll never find out.

[23:44] Right?

[23:44] Cause lazy, like, he's not gonna be honest about it, right? He's not gonna say, well, my childhood and this, that, cause he just acted it all out or, you know, but it's just lazy, right? I mean, you've got kids and you know, if, and you've got, when you've got kids, you've got responsibilities. And you know, one of the big responsibilities is, gee, you know, you're really gonna have to spend some time with your kids. You like, you owe them time, right? I mean, you've got to spend time with them. This is not an option, right? You know, like if you had some guy, like he's got a dog, right? And he's like, well, screw this dog, man. I'm not taking this dog for any walks. It's like, you know, that's not an option, right? You got to take the dog for the walks, man. That's like the deal, right? Because the dogs go insane if they don't get walks.

[24:30] Right?

[24:32] You know, I got these goldfish, but, you know, I don't want to feed them. it's like that's not really an option like you've got a feature and so it's like this thing where it's like yeah you know i got kids but i'd rather watch tv it's like that's not a practice like that's i mean you can do it i guess right but it's really bad it's really toxic, and i guess that's my sort of big big big sort of observation is that like okay so your dad did all of this sort of stuff but you know he didn't have the right to do it and it's not an option Like, there's no option called, and especially because, you know, guys, you know, we go to work when we're tired, right? You know, like, my daughter knows I've done shows when I've got a headache. You know, when we were doing our tour in Australia, man, that time switch was killer. And, you know, I did it, right? So what am I going to do? Say to her, well, you know, I was too tired to parent. It's like, you weren't too tired to do shows in Australia. Like, you just did it, right? So I don't have that excuse. I'm sorry to labor the point, but it's just a lie.

[25:37] No, no, that's huge for me.

[25:40] Yeah, it was just false.

[25:42] Yeah, I really appreciate that. Definitely.

[25:49] Yeah, so I'm sorry about that. But yeah, none of it's true. Right.

[25:55] Right, yeah, that makes much more sense, yeah.

[25:59] But, you know, of course, he prefers for you to think that it's true. because then you're like you have sympathy for him right and you know sympathy for sympathy is the big thing that lazy people always strip mine right well i provided i was tired i've been working all day about that right yeah and that's what they want to give.

[26:18] That image of that they're actually doing something yeah.

[26:22] Right and and of course he's you know by teaching you politeness he's all about the you know good good social standards and this is the right thing to do and you got to do what's right and it's like okay well then spend some time with your children, don't spend time fishing without them don't spend time watching TV and ignoring them and right, because he knows what the right thing to do is apparently right.

[26:46] Mm hmm.

[26:47] So now the challenge, of course, then becomes, if this is the way your father was, of course, this is the way your father was. How do you handle that as a kid? Like, what what narrative do you create as a kid, when this is who your dad is, and this is what he's doing? So what do you say to yourself?

[27:07] Self-Blame Narrative

[27:08] Well for me uh once it started happening more and more and i noticed this pattern of being pushed away by my father and my mother not really you know she was doing the same thing to a lesser extent and she you know i remember my father doing it more but she didn't really seem to care about it i the narrative i built up was that i was annoying that that's what i that's what i built up up in my mind, I realized I'm annoying. I talk too much. I'm too hyper. I have a problem because I'm upsetting my parents. I'm doing these things that are causing them this grief. It's causing them to yell at me. They're verbally abusing me because maybe they're trying to watch a movie together or something. And then here I am trying to talk to them and it's my fault for trying to get their attention. And so that was the first big thing in my mind. It was like, oh, it's my fault. All of this is my fault. And when I would try to connect with my older brother as well, he had the same things being pushed onto him as well. And so he pushed me away and that was hard for me to not have really anybody in the family to be able to connect to. And so in my mind, it was just my fault. I'm annoying. I'm hyper. All of that, that was the narrative that I built up in my mind.

[28:23] And do you know why? I mean, obviously you had some help with your parents saying you're annoying and hyper, right? But why do you think that you would believe that? And it makes perfect sense to me that you would, but why would you believe that?

[28:39] Just because of how, I think because of how big of a deal it was and how, well, how big of a deal they made it, rather, and how much grief it seemed to cause them that I was trying to be near them. I mean, all of this yelling and all of these consequences being grounded, all of this stuff, I couldn't really think past that. And so I felt like I had no reason to not believe it at that point.

[29:12] Right. That's an elegant way of saying one thing. So the reason that you believed that you were annoying rather than that your parents were lazy and inattentive. the abuse and the abuse is called neglect, right? And it's one of the worst forms of abuse that there is. In my view, the only form of abuse that's worse than neglect is sexual abuse. So, the reason why you had to believe, not that your parents were abusing you through neglect, but that you were annoying, is because you have no choice but to believe that.

[29:51] Right.

[29:51] Because if you had said to your parents, so imagine this, right? You're eight years old or whatever. And your dad's like, you're being annoying. You say, dad, I'm not being annoying. You're a lazy parent. You barely spend any time with me. You come home, you watch TV, you go fishing without me. You don't pay attention to your relationships. You put all your effort into working strangers. You're indistinguishable from a piece of furniture when you're home, except a piece of furniture doesn't yell at me. So, Dad, you need to step the hell up and start parenting. Why bother having kids if all you want to do is ignore them? If you want to give us up, if you don't like us, for whatever weird reason you decided to have kids and then, I don't know, not like them, then you need to find some other place for us to go. oh, because you suck right now.

[30:40] Yeah.

[30:41] What would he do?

[30:45] It would be just, it would be the same thing over and over again, just like, just yelling at me for speaking up, because that's...

[30:52] No, no, but what would he do? Because that's a pretty core thing, right? To say, dad, you're lazy and you suck, and it's not my fault. That I'm lonely. Like, I miss you. I want a father. I don't want some back of a head watching a TV, stuffed mannequin, empty-headed guy, right? So if you say to him, Dad, it's you. It's not me. It's you. What does he, like, how angry does he get?

[31:21] I think he would have lashed out and, you know, maybe there would have been some sympathy afterwards because sometimes when they would lash out, I would get some sympathy afterwards to make up for, to try to make up for how much they would yell at me. but I think he would have just lashed out at me and told me you know told me that I was you know just saying inappropriate things or something okay let's take it for a spin okay let's.

[31:47] Take it for a spin if you can play your dad.

[31:52] Confronting Father

[31:52] Sure.

[31:53] All right. So I come up to you, you've been watching TV for an hour, right? You're watching the game or something. And I'm like, dad, I need you to turn the TV off. Like we need to talk because this is, this is pretty terrible situation. Like I don't get any attention from you. You don't spend any time with me. You don't seem to want to spend any time with me. It's upsetting. It's painful. And I need you to step up and I don't know, parent me in some kind of way.

[32:24] Father's Denial

[32:25] No no what are you talking about go go play with your brother go to your room go outside you're bugging me the tv's on and then you turn the tv up or something like that.

[32:33] Okay then i would go over i go over and i unplug the tv and say dad you've got an addiction like i hate to be the one to break it to you but you've got an addiction to screens like you come home and you spend most of your time watching tv it's just how you want your life to be a bunch of stupid sports ball games rather than spending actual time with your children. Like, you've got an addiction. You've got to break this shit, man. You've got to spend time with your kids. You've got a parent. You've got to be a father. Not just a piece of furniture watching TV. Come on. Snap out of it.

[33:09] Yeah, that's where the yelling would come in.

[33:11] Okay, so what would he say?

[33:12] That's where I'd be pushed away.

[33:13] What would he say?

[33:18] I'm trying to think of exactly what he would say if he was.

[33:21] Yelling we don't know exactly just approximately.

[33:28] He would yell at me go to your room what's wrong with you.

[33:35] Okay and I'd say what's wrong with me is you don't spend time with me you're not parenting me why do I have to tell you this you know that you're not parenting me you've only taken me fishing a handful of times. You spend all your time in front of TV. You're just telling me to go away all at the time. Well, I won't because you're my father and you owe me time and attention. That's the deal. You know, that's the deal, right? I shouldn't have to tell you this either. So step away from the TV and do some parenting.

[34:03] He would, he would lash out. He would just deny it. And he would, he would call me, you know, he would say, I'm being silly. That was a big one. So you're being silly. Why are you being silly? and he would push it all on me and deflect everything. That's what he would do.

[34:16] Right. And I'd say, okay, Dad, if I'm being silly, okay, Dad, I'm being silly, what was the last thing that you and I did together? What was the last time that you came, knocked on my door and said, I want to do, let's play a board game, let's play some Monopoly, let's go for a walk, let's go for a bike ride, let's go throw the ball around. When was the last time you did that with me, Dad?

[34:46] Yeah, I honestly don't know what he'd say to that, because he wouldn't, I don't think he'd have much to say, really. He would name something like, something insignificant, like, oh, we did this, like, oh, last week, we remember, blah, blah, blah, and we did that, like something just, you know, something insignificant that wasn't really, yeah.

[35:06] Right.

[35:06] Yeah, I don't know.

[35:07] Okay, and then I would say, so I'd say, well, that doesn't really matter. Let's talk about something quality, something that I enjoyed, something that was meaningful, something that was memorable. okay let me ask you this dad when was the last time you gave me advice other than go away and don't be annoying like gave me some actual advice like you say i'm hyper or whatever which basically just means i'm standing between you and the tv i mean you think i'm hyper you think i have hdad you can't you can't function in this household without a 72 inch screen up your nose, That's kind of hyper and ADHD, isn't it? Like, why is it that actual human interaction isn't enough for you? Why isn't actually spending time with your kids and enjoying their company, why isn't that enough? You think I've got ADHD? You can't concentrate on anything if there aren't 14 guys running around throwing balls.

[36:00] Potential Explosions

[36:01] Yeah, I don't think, I don't know what he would say to that. I think he would just, there were times where he would probably explode at something like that, where he would just freak out and pretend.

[36:10] To feel bad. Yeah, so when someone's dissociated, which means they're out of contact with their emotions and those around them, then when you try to close that gap, and you actually have a complaint, and you don't, then they explode with violence.

[36:26] Right, right.

[36:28] And it's really dangerous, actually. and i'm not kidding about that like it's really dangerous people can explode like like when you, when you when you try to break through someone's dissociative defenses what's on the other side is almost always blind rage now i don't mean he'd strangle you or something like that but i mean that there could be very much physical violence that could be harmful even if by accident or or Or it's not just the physical violence, it's also the emotional violence, which is, you know, I'm not saying he would, but I'm sort of trying to give you a category of the kind of things that people say when you push through their defenses and you try to make yourself real to them. Because you weren't real to your father, otherwise he would have empathized with you and tried to be a good father, right? So when you depersonalize other people and then they become real to you, you explode with rage because your conscience, right? Right. The way that you treat people badly, especially children, is you dehumanize them. You turn them into a category, into just annoyances and you're self-righteous and everything's their fault, which is really the opposite of parenting. Parenting is taking responsibility, not giving it all to your kids. It's kind of weird. Right.

[37:43] So, you know, it's like if you're late to work and you say to your boss, well, I'm not here because my eight year old wouldn't drive me. Your boss would be like, what are you blaming your kid for? you're the one with the car and it's even more insane than that so when you push through people's defenses, what happens is that even if there's not physical violence and there often is, even if there's not physical violence they say stuff that they can't come back from, so they say shit like man you were just an accident I didn't even want you here in the first place or Or, I never wanted to become a father. I hate being a father. You kids are just little shits, and you don't give me a moment's peace. You know, I hate you guys, really. Like, I don't know. I'm not saying what he would say. I'm just saying that when you push through people's defenses in an assertive manner, they blow up. And whether it's physical or verbal or both, it's like the mask is ripped off, and you can't make up stuff anymore.

[38:54] Like when you see that level of rage.

[38:56] You can't just sit there and say, well, the problem is I'm slightly insistent. You know, it's like the problem is my dad's seriously, like seriously disturbed.

[39:03] Yeah. That was what was most terrifying for me was that point we would get to where, you know, it seemed like there was going to be physical violence. And I, you know, I'm now remembering like there were some times where he would, I don't know the exact circumstance, but maybe I was doing something he didn't want me to do. And, you know, he would grab me by the wrist and like yank me into another room or something. And, you know, he would say things like, like what you were saying, like, I, he never came out and said, like, I wish you weren't born or something. but he would say things like almost on the same level as that and I'm trying to think of an example but it was like you know you guys are a handful like really really hurtful things like that and you know it was always leading up to that.

[39:56] It had to be more than you guys were a handful.

[40:03] Yeah I don't know I'm not sure what or how he would get to that point.

[40:24] Confronting Emotional Violence

[40:24] Yeah because bad people can almost never forgive you for making them confront their own conscience, and um right so you had to you had to say well the problem is that i'm annoying the problem is that i'd have i'm hyper or you know the problem that that's the problem because you had to take that on otherwise you would have seen a an ugly side to your father that would have that you you couldn't recover from if that makes sense yeah absolutely yeah like how the hell do you live in the house with someone like that right yeah.

[40:55] Would have been would have been hard to wrap my head around it to to be able to cope with with that if that was the case.

[41:03] Yeah and i mean it's not just at home right the same thing at school and, right you can't say to your teacher definitely you're boring and this stuff is irrelevant why the hell should i care about any of this yeah i mean you you take your paycheck from my parents by force why should i look at you as a moral authority about anything like you can't say anything as a kid about the society you live in right that's.

[41:27] True yeah it was it was always like any um any pushback like that it was just uh it was just branded as you know me being uh me being silly or something like that and anytime i would question anything you know there was one time where i i had my mouth washed out with soap i must have been trying to getting my father's attention. I don't remember exactly what I was doing, but he didn't like it. And he was telling me to stop doing it. And I kept doing it. And he took me into the bathroom, grabbed me by the wrist, and he was washing my mouth out with liquid soap. I think I was saying, I think I was at Cust or something like that. And he was trying to get me to stop. And I thought it was funny. And so he dragged me into the bathroom. And I think my siblings were watching me as well maybe even my mom and they they watched him do that to me.

[42:18] Um what was to your mother you said she was also a bit avoidant right what was she like in all of this or on her own.

[42:25] It it seemed like um she would yell too like she would yell at us and not to the degree that um our father would yell but she would yell she'd have her outbursts too in the same in the same sense as our father would but she would when he would get really angry she would just she would just sort of let him take the reins she wouldn't intervene it was like you know It was his way, but she was the exact same. So I don't see why she wouldn't intervene because she was almost as bad as him anyways.

[43:00] Did she goad him and wind him up sometimes? Like the kids are so bad and let him take over?

[43:08] Yeah, I think, yeah. Or she would just let him handle it. Like, oh, you have to go tell your father what you did so he can deal with it. because she didn't want to be a parent either, so she would just pass it off to him and let him deal with it. But she would definitely go with him, for sure. Not often, but I can remember instances where that was the case, for sure.

[43:29] Right, right. And physical discipline? Physical discipline?

[43:34] I don't think any – aside from my father grabbing me and washing my mouth with soap, I think I was never hit or anything like that. I think just grabbed. I mean, yanked out of rooms a few times when I was a small – I don't know how old I would have been. Maybe 10 or 11 where he would grab me and kind of have his way. Oh, you're not doing that and grab me and move me to another area or something. often but that was uh it didn't get worse any worse than that physically and.

[44:07] How often would you get i don't know yelled at or insulted or like with your with your parents how often would that happen i.

[44:17] Would say probably most weekends if not every weekend because that's when everybody was home that's when they weren't you know distracting themselves with with work or with you know surrogate activities and so they were forced to all be in the home and my um my mom would she would distract she would keep busy with like housework like oh you know crazy amount of housework like cleaning and all that my dad he would try to you try to escape on fishing trips or you know mow the lawn do yard work for half the day or most of the day but it was usually on the weekend when everybody was home and and um they had to they had to be forced to be around us essentially and.

[45:01] Were your grandparents in the picture much.

[45:03] Um so my my parents lived in a different province and so all my family on my mom's and dad's side were in another province so i didn't i didn't see them i i saw my extended family maybe once um in a summer we'd go over to another province and stay for a couple of weeks, which my dad didn't like my mom's family. He didn't really seem to like his own family. Sorry, he did seem to like his own family? No, he had a very strange relationship with... He was close with a couple of his brothers, but his youngest brother was... He didn't really know his youngest brother that well. He was always talking bad about people when they weren't around, even his own family.

[45:53] Sorry, he was talking what?

[45:57] Talking bad about them. Like, oh, did you see the way... His kids were doing this. He always had something to say about somebody when they weren't around.

[46:05] Right. Okay. And his own parents, how did he get along with them?

[46:11] Um he i i know small things about his childhood is his dad my grandfather passed away before i was born so i don't know too much about him but i i remember this has always stuck with me because he told me this when i was really young but i remember he told me that his parents said to him when he was 18 that they couldn't afford to feed him he was an athlete and they they basically told than that they couldn't afford to feed him. He might have been 16 years old when they said that. So I just, that's like one of the only things I know about his upbringing was that it was, you know, not very positive.

[46:46] Sorry, does that mean they couldn't afford to feed him as an athlete? Like they had to, they couldn't afford to feed him the extra food an athlete requires?

[46:54] I think just, I think that was part of it. But I think just in general, because he was, he was growing and it was at that point where he was.

[47:01] Oh yeah, teenage boys, you might as well go to the grocery store and just load up the cart and throw it down a well yeah no well you know right you're a teenage boy too right so yeah yeah it's it's crazy it's crazy um and you know my friends i know who have teenage boys it's like dinner will be in half an hour i'm hungry i need two slices of pizza first that's my appetite yeah it's crazy yeah but they're all spiraling up past six three six four so uh kind of makes sense yeah yeah that's just the deal right yeah uh that's the teenage boys Boys are just, they're just like Pac-Man, just never stop eating. Okay, so you didn't have much to do. And what about any other extended family, aunts, uncles, or I guess your father had brothers. Didn't hear much about your mom, though.

[47:45] Yeah, my mom's family is mainly who you would see. My mom was the youngest of six siblings. feelings and her, the situation when we would go to the other province and visit, we would always stay with her family, um, with, at her mom and dad's place. And, Her mom, my grandma, was a very negative person. Since my mom had moved out of the province, she didn't want to accept us as her grandchildren. Very negative person. She was nice sometimes, but you just got that feeling.

[48:21] I'm sorry, the lines for grandchildren stop at the provincial edge? I quite follow that.

[48:26] Yeah. I never understood that either, but I think she viewed it as some sort of betrayal that she moved to a different province. I don't. I really have no idea what that was about. And she, I only heard that, I didn't hear that directly from my grandmother, but I think through my mom when I was a bit older, maybe after my grandmother had died. And my grandfather was, he had actually, and I didn't, I didn't learn this about my grandfather until like a year ago, but he had fallen off of a ladder or fallen off an apple tree or something like this and it got brain damage and i didn't know this for my whole childhood and my all of my adolescence so he was essentially like not operating at full brain function he was like you know i don't know what you'd call it like a simpleton like he and i didn't know this for like my whole life until around a year ago it was just a very strange dynamic um it i didn't i liked going to the other province i liked spending the summer there but i didn't really like being around any of the family because it was all gossip it was all it was all very negative, for the most part and.

[49:38] Did you notice that your grandfather was odd as a kid or was it something you only really picked up on later.

[49:42] No i noticed he was odd but i just assumed maybe he it was just because he was old older right right um i'm 23 and he's 95 now so and my parents had me when they were older so I was just like oh he's you know an older guy it's probably something to do with that but no that wasn't it at all.

[50:10] Teenage Struggles

[50:11] All right. So how was your daily life when you were a teenager?

[50:15] It was non-existent. I was very interested in girls, but there were so many. I never had any instruction.

[50:23] Well, they do smell good. I'll certainly give you that. They are very pretty and curvy. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you were interested in girls, but what was going on?

[50:34] Well it was um it was really difficult for me i didn't understand it but i i was interested in girls i think since i was 11 is when i started you know noticing noticing all that um but i would get up to the point of where like you would ask a girl out like you would go through that sort of courtship stage i guess but i could never get past that it was like there was something blocking me i I didn't know, like, I just felt like I was shy or something, but I was always outgoing and, you know, funny and all that. But up until that point, it's like, I didn't know what to do. And then I would just let things fizzle out. And that was the case. Okay, so sorry.

[51:13] So you go up and talk to girls. Did you do any sports as a teenager?

[51:18] When I was young, maybe around 10, I played football, but nothing when I was a teenager, no.

[51:24] Why not? I mean, your father's athletic.

[51:27] Right?

[51:27] Or it was an athlete.

[51:28] Yeah i i um i think it was because i'd been pushed into playing football when i was younger by my father and i didn't really have an interest in it it was more something he was interested in and so that kind of turned me off what was it as a whole um i think i would have liked to play baseball i would have liked to play um, I even would have liked to, I would have liked, yeah, I probably would have liked to play baseball. I would have liked, I liked a lot of the outdoor stuff, though. Like, I would have liked to learn to fish. I would have liked to go, you know, hiking, camping all the time. Like, I was really, really into that, but it was never nurtured. Massacism camping.

[52:07] No, I'm just kidding. Sorry. In my 50s, camping is like, ah, excellent. Three flies in the tent and a mosquito, and I have a tree root up my ass. This is great. But no, I get it when you're younger.

[52:18] It's a lot of fun. it's just that's a that's.

[52:21] A that's in the rear view for me but anyway okay.

[52:23] Yeah i hear you.

[52:26] So you would go and you'd talk to girls right you'd sort of chat with girls and you would sorry did you get around to asking them out or was that the bridge too far that.

[52:35] Was the bridge too far it was always like oh so you're like fly.

[52:39] By flirty guy and like.

[52:41] Can't get it happening right you.

[52:43] Must have driven.

[52:44] Girls completely mental i yeah i drove myself pretty mental too but no no i was talking about the girls enough of you yes no because the girls.

[52:53] Are like well he seems to like me but maybe i'm unattractive did my breath smell like did i like did i not wear deodorant today why isn't he asking me out right.

[53:01] Yeah yeah i'm sure yeah okay.

[53:04] So so you were like mr friend zone guy.

[53:07] Um it wasn't even friend zone it was just like uh i guess yeah i guess it was kind of like friend zone but i wouldn't uh, he would just sort of get up to that point of where i should have asked them out like and then it would be the bridge too far and then i wouldn't really continue talking with them it would just sort of die die off that relationship would just sort of die off okay and why, um i i was like i was scared for some reason it was no come on you're.

[53:45] A guy of course you're scared i mean we're all.

[53:47] Scared girls but we're teenagers it's.

[53:49] Terrifying i get that but why so you go but you do it right.

[53:52] I just i i just meant i saying i was scared more in like the, because you know because you will have like oh i'm nervous to go talk to her but it was more than that it was like it was like i shouldn't do it it was like i felt like i not that i shouldn't do it i felt like i couldn't do it like i it wasn't possible for me to do it and i really really wanted to i really wanted to have you know a connection with somebody with a girl but i just felt like i physically and mentally just couldn't get past that point to to asking them out and to but why being in a relationship but why i don't i don't know i just well you do like no you do you just don't know consciously yeah you do.

[54:31] Right i mean i.

[54:32] Don't because i'm not you.

[54:33] So if you don't and I don't, then we can't get it, right?

[54:39] I think it was just... I don't think I knew how to relate. No, that's not it. I just, I don't know. I think it was the... Just the connection, I think, was...

[54:57] Oh, come on. Okay, so... I'm trying to work it out. I'm sorry to be annoying. No, you're not. You already told me, that's why. I'm gone. So the way it works, of course, is that we're terrified of girls. And so what does God or nature do to have us push through?

[55:23] Teenage Discovery

[55:23] Lust. Yeah, the hormones of, you know, the attraction, the lust, yeah.

[55:31] So when did you start using pornography?

[55:34] I would say 12 years old, maybe when I was 11, but for sure when I was 12 years old.

[55:42] And I assume that your parents didn't talk to you about this or warn you if the risks are dangerous or all of that, right?

[55:52] No, they didn't even talk to me about girls at all.

[55:55] Okay. So that's sabotage, right?

[55:58] Yeah.

[55:59] No, but do you really get that? Like that's absolute sabotage.

[56:03] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[56:09] And so you have the fork in the road right and and the fork in the road is i can, continue talking to girls maybe i get rejected maybe a flame out or whatever or there's pornography right yeah i mean i'm sorry that that's why i was like oh come on because like didn't you you said that in your email right yeah.

[56:29] You're right yeah that that was the once i got older that was like Like that took away most of my motivation for sure.

[56:37] Well, no, hang on. So, but what about as a teen?

[56:40] Yeah, as a teen, I think it was, I think it was just the same, like, but even in, because there was one case in elementary school before I had discovered pornography where I just, I had the same feeling where I didn't know how to get past that, get over that bridge. um and maybe once i discovered it so so what's.

[57:01] I mean what's the bridge.

[57:05] Uh getting to the point of asking them out no no i understand what.

[57:08] That is but what is what is the bridge.

[57:10] Like in.

[57:10] Your mind like what what's what can you not get beyond.

[57:16] I think just talking to them and sorry i.

[57:20] Thought you could talk to them.

[57:22] But in in that way of i could talk to them up until it became um until it meant that it was like to build a relationship to be in them to be uh to be their boyfriend until it got to that point that's when it that's when the fear came in because uh i was able to make them laugh i was able to to be charismatic up until that point when i realized and what i had to do i got scared you're.

[57:50] A decent looking guy.

[57:51] Yeah i was i was a good looking i was a good looking guy for sure okay.

[57:54] So what's the barrier.

[58:01] I think it was the physical connection.

[58:05] Go on.

[58:07] I think it was the physical connection with somebody because I didn't... It was like that was the unknown to me, and it was...

[58:14] Wait, you've been watching pornography since you were 12, but the physical connection is unknown? I don't think you were very good at that then.

[58:23] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just... just thinking of like it i don't know it was very it was very it was very fearful for me thinking of the physical affection thinking of that but i wanted i wanted that you know that was like what i wanted what do you mean by physical.

[58:48] Affection hugging cuddling kissing sex like i'm not sure what you mean.

[58:52] Well when i was younger it was like yeah holding hands hugging kissing stuff like that that's what um that's what i was afraid of that was but i but But at the same time, that's what I wanted. I wanted to have a girlfriend, but I was afraid of that, even though that's what I wanted.

[59:10] So you were scared of even holding hands, kissing stuff, right?

[59:15] Yeah, absolutely.

[59:16] Okay, and why? Saying I'm scared of something is not saying it, right? Like if I say I'm scared of wolves, well, I'm not scared of wolves. I'm scared of having my ass chewed off, right? If I say I'm frightened of heights, I'm not frightened of heights, I'm frightened of falling, or rather the impact, right?

[59:33] Yeah.

[59:34] So one eye is given.

[59:35] Yeah, that's true.

[59:38] And sorry, have you had a relationship since, or are we still in a dry spell?

[59:44] No, I was in a relationship for around two years that I got out of in 2022.

[59:53] Okay. Okay, so let's get back to the teens. So what are you scared of? And I don't mean what are you scared of, like, what are you scared of? That doesn't make any sense. I'm just genuinely curious. You had a fear? Yeah, I'm just trying to know what it was of.

[1:00:10] I'm trying to, like, I just have never thought about what it actually was that caused me to feel that.

[1:00:19] Would you like a theory?

[1:00:22] Yes, please. Okay.

[1:00:23] So you bring a girl home. You like her a lot. She likes you. She looks up to you. She respects you. She thinks you're the man, right? You bring her home and she sees you. I mean, I know your parents are divorced when you're 13 or whatever, right? But let's just say, right, you bring the girl home and how is your dad with you?

[1:00:47] Not, not, uh, not good at all.

[1:00:49] He's going to undermine you, right?

[1:00:52] Yeah.

[1:00:52] He's going to alpha mail it and put you down and right. And you're going to be put in this really awkward situation. He's going to make jokes at your expense. He's going to write poke fun. He's going to like, whatever, right. And you're going to be in a screwed up position. Am I wrong? I mean, I don't know your dad. I'm just guessing.

[1:01:06] No. I'm and, um, you're, I think you're fought on because just a small thing about that is, um this is something that stuck with me too that my dad said was one of his one of our family friends was like joking like oh are you chasing girls i was probably like maybe 13 and he kind of like asked me that and my dad actually like burst out like laughing at the thought of me, um you know being with girls he's like oh this guy no no and he was like laughing he was laughing at me and laughing at that at that question so i think you're spot on you know i'm.

[1:01:41] Trying not to think the worst of your dad, but it's really not, this kind of shit does not help.

[1:01:47] Yeah.

[1:01:47] Like I'm trying to, you know, have some understanding and all of that. And it's just like, oh God, maybe he's just an a-hole.

[1:01:55] Yeah. Pretty much. I mean, that, that like killed me right there. Yeah.

[1:02:00] Oh, if your dad thinks that you're a loser with the girls, I mean, that's really tough.

[1:02:07] Yeah.

[1:02:07] Really tough. I'm so sorry, man. That's just, oh God. I'm so sorry. That's awful. Absolutely terrible. Absolutely terrible.

[1:02:18] Yeah, I appreciate it.

[1:02:20] Yeah, so you can't date girls if your dad's going to put you down.

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:26] Because you're going to end up losing the girl and hating your dad.

[1:02:31] Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

[1:02:36] Okay, so tell me about the relationship that just ended in 2022, the two-year-old.

[1:02:42] Um were.

[1:02:43] You still on drugs.

[1:02:44] So there um yeah actually well i think at that time i'd started i think before that i'd started uh drinking a little bit experimenting with that and once i got into the relationship with her again i had been sort of on and off weed as well because, um i had thrown myself into this relationship because i was lonely it wasn't because um And I liked her as a person. I just found her physically attractive. And I was in a spot where...

[1:03:17] So you were acting like your dad, like your mom?

[1:03:20] Yeah, yeah.

[1:03:21] Got it.

[1:03:21] Yeah.

[1:03:22] Actually, my mom was quite pretty, but not a very nice person and all that, right?

[1:03:26] Yeah, definitely.

[1:03:27] All right.

[1:03:29] And so, yeah, I'd gotten... I was working at a grocery store at this time. I was working in grocery stocking shelves. She was a cashier. Um, and we just started working the same shifts and I had come out of being overweight. I'd lost a bunch of weight and I had a lot of confidence in myself again.

[1:03:51] What was your history with weight?

[1:03:54] Oh, I had, from, like, right after my parents' divorce, I started gaining weight. I started stress eating and all of that. When I was 14, I really gained a lot of weight. And then from then on, I was just slowly gaining weight. Oh, I got up to 233 pounds was the last time I remember weighing myself. I'm 5'11".

[1:04:21] 233. Yeah, I'm 5'11 and a half or whatever. so i'm thinking i'm like 187 so two yeah that's like a good 50 pounds okay.

[1:04:28] Yeah 45.

[1:04:30] Weight Loss Journey

[1:04:30] Okay so yeah you got you got pretty heavy right.

[1:04:33] Yeah i i was um i was really when i was 14 i remember i was around like i think i was like 200 pounds or something like that and i had a big in my it killed me to look at it but in my yearbook photo i had a huge double chin and everything it was, it was really hard for me once i grew a bit i lost a little bit of weight in high school but after high school i gained um i'd broken my foot in 2019 and so i was just sitting i just talked to somebody.

[1:05:02] Else today about that how did you break your foot.

[1:05:03] I was i was just skateboarding on in a on just on flat ground and i fell forward while my while the board was tilted up and i just fell and twisted my foot and all the weight kind of went on one stressed one bone in my foot and snapped it pretty much and so after I broke my foot I gained 20 more pounds on top of already being overweight so I probably got up to 210 at that point and then by 2020 that's when I you know I've been continuing my my eating and so I was about 233 pounds by that point right Right.

[1:05:44] And you were a gamer too, right?

[1:05:48] Yeah, yeah. I would play video games, watch movies, no physical activity really.

[1:05:58] Right. Okay.

[1:05:59] And this is one of the things that I think could be a contributor to the bladder problems I have, because I essentially went on a crash diet because I was really self-conscious. like I hated looking at myself I just didn't you know inside well and you're limited right you can't go to pool.

[1:06:19] Parties and there's a whole bunch of things that are really stressful and.

[1:06:22] Yeah absolutely yeah and it it was I kind of just decided one day I'm like yeah I'm just gonna go and I'm just gonna lose all this weight as soon as as soon as possible and so well so you've got I mean you've got gaming you've got.

[1:06:37] Sorry you've got gaming you've got pornography you've got weight And I think, I'm no doctor, right? But my understanding is that all of those things would contribute to low testosterone.

[1:06:47] Yeah, yeah, absolutely. and yeah from then on when i was you know around 235 pounds i pretty much had like this breaking point where i was like i gotta you know this has to stop and so i was eating them the minimum amount like healthy amount of calories that you know a male can eat not even for my weight just like a male just generic so it was you know i was like starving myself um and just dropping dropping you know pounds off weekly and so um eventually i got down to like 175 is where i'm at now oh good for you um but around 170 175 just through diet alone because i just couldn't uh i couldn't take it anymore like it was really uh and i tried to do it just sorry.

[1:07:38] Did you do it young enough that you didn't get that sort of excess skin problem that hits some people.

[1:07:43] Yeah i i had some stress i have some stretch marks that aren't really noticeable like in my armpit area where it meets my my pec but in some of my thighs but i didn't have like loose skin or anything like that um and so i was really uh once i lost all the weight i had like a lot of energy i had you know i was definitely more higher t i i had a lot of self-confidence i was really happy with how i looked for you know for once in my life since i was like i hadn't been happy with how I looked since I was maybe like 12 or 13 years old and so that was a huge um confidence booster for me and did um yeah well.

[1:08:20] Done congratulations did your.

[1:08:22] Parents notice.

[1:08:24] Anything or about your weight or were they just too self-involved with the divorce and all that.

[1:08:28] Um no they didn't really know I'm sure maybe they did because I would mean I had to be eating quite a lot like to to get to to the point where I had a big double chin and all of that. And my dad, your parents were buying you the food.

[1:08:45] Right?

[1:08:46] Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I, my, I don't think my mom ever said anything, but she had to have noticed my, my dad. I remember my dad making jokes about comparing me to Chris Farley because I was, you know, funny and I was overweight. And so he would, he would make jokes to me when I was like 14 or 15 about how I looked like, how I reminded him of, of Chris Farley. And he, He was very amused by that. He thought that was really funny. And that was really hard on me. And I didn't say any, I didn't know what to say, but I kind of just laughed it off, brushed it off. And he said that multiple times. He thought it was really, really funny. But that was extremely, extremely hard on me and my self-esteem.

[1:09:25] Absolutely. And I'm sorry to bounce around in time. What happened with your parents' divorce? Like, why did that happen?

[1:09:38] Why did that happen um no it's that's okay no um it was i i think my mom wanted to stay in it but my dad was so unhappy at that point that he i think had just fallen completely out of love with her and it had just he was just done and from what i gathered it was him that initiated it and there was gossip about how he my mom supposedly or my mom's friend supposedly We saw him holding hands with another woman at the mall, which was, you know, that was never confirmed to be true or false. But it just seemed like he was done and there was nothing my mom could do about it. And so that was it. They had tried to, they'd gotten a dog like a couple of years before they got divorced. They got a, they surprised us with a German shepherd. I think that was supposed to bring the family together more. But all I did was gave my dad more of an excuse to get out of the house, to go spend time with the dog rather than his own children. And so the dog died when she was like two years old. And so a week after that is when they got divorced, if I remember correctly.

[1:10:54] Do you know what the dog died of?

[1:10:58] No, I think it was just some sketchiness in regards to the breeder. My dad was walking her one day, and she just collapsed in the cul-de-sac at the end of our street and just died right there. Interesting.

[1:11:13] Okay. And then your parents- And that was really hard. Were they fighting a lot or just distant from each other before? Yeah.

[1:11:21] Skateboarding Accident and Weight Gain

[1:11:21] They would definitely fight, and I didn't notice it a lot of the time, but they would fight. Towards the end, it was just they were very distant. It wasn't really fighting towards the end. They were just very, very distant. There wasn't really much arguing at that point. They were just done with each other, I think.

[1:11:37] Right. And do you know what it was as a whole? I mean, do you know anything in particular that might have happened, do you think?

[1:11:52] Other than, I think what they told us was that they didn't love each other anymore. And other than the gossip about my dad supposedly being with another woman, I'm not too sure. I don't really know anything else other than that.

[1:12:07] And do you think that they loved each other before?

[1:12:15] What do you mean by that?

[1:12:17] Well, you said they don't love each other anymore. more i'm trying to figure out.

[1:12:20] When they would have.

[1:12:21] Loved each other.

[1:12:21] Oh sorry i thought you said left that's i apologize um i think i think at the beginning they did and i think when they were when we were young when all of the kids were young they did but it seemed by the time i was, old enough to know what was going on it didn't seem like they really, loved each other because after we had grown up a little bit you know before i started hitting in puberty they didn't really go out together or really do anything together at all and there were some family outings like going to dinner at family friends houses but i don't think they spent any time together really didn't seem like they were that close right.

[1:13:00] Yeah i mean i and you said your father was the tv guy and all of that and your mom you said was like it was all about the housework and and and all of that was was that the way that she mainly stayed distant from people.

[1:13:16] Yeah that was that was how she stayed distant and it just seemed like she would just, wanted to keep busy always she always had to be doing something she always had to keep busy with something um and that was like uh that was really tough on weekends because that was like oh i want to relax and it was like the vacuum bending up against the door her trying to get all the kids to clean the house like waking us up oh yeah that manic stuff is.

[1:13:43] Pretty funny right and then they say you have.

[1:13:45] Yeah they.

[1:13:46] Say that you're high maintenance with your um not aghd but you know the the phrase i can't remember what they've said about you annoying.

[1:13:55] And yeah i was that i was hyper hyper yeah that's it your mom's manic cleaning but.

[1:13:59] You're hyper right.

[1:14:00] Yeah yeah and that's the that's the best description of my mom is just and even you know as far as i know to this day like just manic with cleaning. Oh, it's Saturday morning at 7 a.m. Time to, you know, clean the entire house even though I did it last week and there's not a speck of dust. Like just constantly, it seemed like.

[1:14:22] Right okay all right so the grocery store girl.

[1:14:31] Yeah um yeah so that that that started because i had a lot of um i found her you know physically attractive i had a lot more self-confidence in myself than i than i think i had ever and so i i was talking to her and it was It's like, you know, just flirting and, you know, it's very easy to see her all the time because we worked, you know, the same shifts, usually closing shifts like four days a week. And so I would see her a lot at work and make sure I went up and talked to her and would joke around. And, you know, she thought it was really funny.

[1:15:10] Sorry, yeah, I don't necessarily mean all the flirty stuff that happened at the beginning. I mean, the relationship goes on.

[1:15:16] Yeah, sorry about that. um the relationship as a whole was for the first few months it was just like constant sex that's what it was for the first few months of the honeymoon stage so to speak and after that that's when it set in that well I shouldn't say that's when it set in but we didn't have anything in common I wasn't dating her because I thought she was virtuous or you know anything like that it was just because I was lonely and I wanted to I wanted to have physical touch that I'd never experienced and so it was and sorry was this your this was.

[1:15:50] Your virginity relationship.

[1:15:52] Yeah yeah absolutely and.

[1:15:54] Did she she knew that.

[1:15:55] No she i i was self-conscious about it and so i i'd lied to her about it because i didn't want her to think that i was um less of a man or weird or anything like that and so i had uh i had actually lied to her about it, Um, so after the first few months, I think it was two or three months after that, it just, it was okay for a while. We go out and do things together. And I actually didn't have my, um, driver's license at first. And I was surprised that, cause I was, um, 21, I think. And I was kind of surprised that that wasn't, I think it struck her as kind of interesting that I didn't have a driver's license at that time. But I was in the process of doing it. And so that was kind of like, oh, she doesn't really care about something that I'm greatly insecure about. So that's good. So I can pursue this because that was a fear of mine. And, you know, eventually once I got my, you know, once I got a car and everything, I was going over to her place a lot. And, you know, the sex started to die down a bit and, you know, more arguing came up. It just, it became. Yeah, you had a bond without the trust and the virtue.

[1:17:08] So you then panicked, right? Yeah, exactly.

[1:17:11] There was no bond aside from physical. And this was within a couple months? This was probably after the first few months were fine, and then it was, I would say, in the fourth month, maybe.

[1:17:29] How the hell did you stretch this shit out for two years then, brother?

[1:17:33] I think it was, yeah, I mean, it was a lot of lying to myself, but I think it was maybe a year and a half, but it was a lot of lying to myself, to answer your question, stretching it that long.

[1:17:45] Relationship Reflections

[1:17:46] I was just, I was just, yeah, I was just really lying to myself for most of the, for all of the relationship, essentially.

[1:17:54] Right. Okay. So how did it go so long? Yeah.

[1:17:59] Um well it was mostly because i i just wanted to be close to somebody i wanted to feel physical affection and i know but you.

[1:18:12] Weren't feeling that as much after the first couple of months right.

[1:18:16] Yeah but i yeah it's true and i even though that was the case i still pursued it just so that i, it just turned into me uh to me simping essentially um for lack of a better word and she came from a very dysfunctional family and so well.

[1:18:42] No i get that.

[1:18:43] Yeah i mean that's obvious of course um and so i was like i don't know i had it i had this idea in my mind like i could somehow how save her that was that was like my crazy um crazy mindset for some reason and i let i let all of the um arguments and all of the bad times with her slide just so that i could be just so i could be like uh close to somebody physically basically and.

[1:19:15] What happened to end it.

[1:19:19] Well we had i had broken up with her after an argument and then we got back together after a month of being how did you get back together because i finally i caved in and i was like i can't try to live the truth because i'm too weak and so i just want to go back you caved.

[1:19:35] In was she trying to get back together with you and you caved or you initiated the getting back.

[1:19:40] Well she was trying to get back together with me for like a few weeks and then she stopped and then And I came back and was like, hey, let's talk. And then she was reluctant, very reluctant because of how long it took me to try to get back together with her, to agree to it, I guess.

[1:19:56] Right. Okay.

[1:19:58] And then after that, it was just the same decline. And then eventually she messaged me. She texted me and was like, you know, I knew it was going to be the breakup talk. And I was just so, I was done with it. But for some reason, I didn't want to be the one to end it. because I, I don't know, I felt like I still wanted to try. And then she kind of texted me and was like, Hey, and I was like, no, just say it. And once she sort of, once we had the discussion over text about breaking up, then I just was, I felt like I was set free. I was like, finally, I'm finally out of it. And that was a big relief for me.

[1:20:37] Okay. Got it. All right. And since then you haven't dated, right?

[1:20:43] No, I, um, after I'd say about four months after we broke up, I, I just, I, I became Christian after, after her and I broke up, which was when I say I was living in, you know, lying to myself for the whole relationship was because I'd slowly been looking into philosophy and into what I believe is the truth. And then I just threw that all away because I realized I could have physical affection with somebody. And I, I went against physical affection.

[1:21:11] But yeah, you can have sex.

[1:21:12] Yeah yeah um and i you know i heavily went against i betrayed my my brother because he was really trying to help me and i and him and i have been uh had been you know had made up and, what's the word we had sort of resolved the childhood issues and so i was really close to him and i kind of like spit in his face by uh by going into this and that that was really hard Sorry.

[1:21:39] But what do you mean? You're spitting in his face. Seems pretty dramatic when I'm putting it, but what do you mean?

[1:21:44] Yeah, I just mean because he had introduced me to a lot of things that were for my benefit. Like, hey, he really motivated me to lose weight. He really motivated me to quit smoking weed, to stop watching porn. He really motivated me into all this self-help stuff because he got into this way before I did. And, you know, he's, he's a very, uh, he's a very smart guy. And so it was really, um, I don't think I would have come out of it if it weren't for him. I don't think I would have come out of being overweight or, you know, stoned 24 seven.

[1:22:20] Right.

[1:22:20] If it, if it weren't for him. And so when I just said.

[1:22:23] Oh, man.

[1:22:30] Um, so I started when I was 16 and by the time I was 17, it was pretty much a daily thing when i would when before i quit when i was 20 i was probably smoking if i wasn't at work because i worked nights dishwashing if i wasn't working any time in between i was i was high i was smoking over five times a day i was i was high 35 times as often as i could be yeah right okay at least minimum probably okay got it and.

[1:23:00] So good good for you getting off that that's your You're caught in psychosis.

[1:23:03] Or something.

[1:23:04] I don't know. Okay. All right. So, and listen, I appreciate the update. I'm sorry if we spent too long in the past, but it's usually good to have the old foundation dug before we look at the future. All right. So, let me just look here. So you say, fantasies of a mind for someone else, coping mechanisms, two years been struggling, undiagnosed chronic bladder issue. And how can I best help you in the time that we have? Because, you know, the stuff you've been talking about is for me, and so it doesn't really count.

[1:23:39] Seeking Guidance

[1:23:39] It's good for me to know the history, but how can I best help you with the time that we have?

[1:23:47] Um well i think a big thing was my and has been just my struggling with my with my identity like the whole um the whole like fantasies in my mind thing is that i wrote in the email that it was me i have never really i guess felt like i've never really known how to be myself i guess i've always maybe except through humor but i've always sorry what do you mean by felt like i'm sorry.

[1:24:13] Sorry to interrupt. I apologize. You just start talking about yourself and I interrupt. What do you mean, though, by be yourself? I've never, I've never been quite sure what that means. So I'm happy to have it explained, but I don't really know what it means.

[1:24:27] Yeah absolutely um so i have just i have just since since i was maybe nine i've just, gone through i guess phases for lack of a better word of sort of and and at this point i'm fighting the instant more than i ever have but just phases of being influenced by other people rather than and doing what I think is right. I like. When I was a kid, I would like John to.

[1:24:56] You're unparented. How would you know what was right?

[1:24:59] Right. Yeah.

[1:25:00] I mean, it's like me saying, you know, like I, I'm, I'm learning Japanese from other people rather than inventing Japanese on my own.

[1:25:07] Right. Yeah. That's.

[1:25:11] I mean, how, how are you supposed to have integrity without knowledge? Right. It's like, how can you be a good engineer without studying engineering? Oh, you know, I'm studying engineering. I don't feel like I'm my own engineer yet. It's like, well, yeah, of course you're not. Please don't be your own engineer because you're going to have things fall apart. are right so so bending the knee to other people is essential that's not a loss of identity that's your only chance of having integrity isn't it well you didn't learn virtue from school you didn't learn it from home you didn't learn it from your brothers you didn't learn it from your girlfriend you didn't learn it from drugs you didn't learn it from pornography you didn't learn it from right the bad habits food right so how would you have learned it yeah can't invent it on your own neither can i nobody can right it's like trying to invent the whole a whole language on your own right so what do you mean to be yourself you gotta study so i.

[1:26:04] Just felt like yeah but i just felt like i was i was trying to be other people like i would see like i'd watch movies when i was a kid and i would just pretend to be that person or i would.

[1:26:15] Okay that's called being a kid right yeah but i was superman like i i get all that right you you see those things or you Luke Skywalker and you pick up a you pick up a stick and you have a lightsaber right so I'm not sure what you mean by that this um some big negative thing.

[1:26:33] Well it wasn't so much negative but I when I was a child but when I got older it sort of stuck with me all of that I didn't really come out of that um.

[1:26:43] Okay so what do you mean by that so what is it now that you feel is interfering with your identity and I'm not saying this like Like you're not right. I just want to make sure I understand.

[1:26:54] Um, well, at this point, I've just set. I've just, I don't know, it feels like I've just come out of it now. And I've set these really high standards for myself.

[1:27:06] What are you talking about? Come out of the sewer? Your mother? What do you mean? I don't know.

[1:27:12] Yeah i've i came out of um you know pretending to be other people or acting like other people getting getting influenced by by everything else you know media movies and all that okay so give me a concrete example if.

[1:27:26] You can just so i know what you mean rather than abstract thing.

[1:27:29] Okay um well like when i would be alone i would pretend i would pretend that i was somebody important that I was, you know, famous or that, you know, if I was listening to music, I would, I would pretend to be the person, you know, playing the music and I would just imagine myself as that person. And I never really felt like I've had my own personality. Yeah. But in a, in a, like out loud though, in, in, I would act and I would act that out in my, in my alone time. Yeah.

[1:27:59] So like you'd pretend to be a singer or a rock star, right?

[1:28:03] Yeah. Okay.

[1:28:04] Childhood Fantasies Analysis

[1:28:04] Okay, so I'm still trying to see the dysfunction here. I mean, you're not psychotic. You're not waking up thinking, I'm Freddie Mercury. I'm late for Live Aid, right? But you knew it was fantasy, but you were role-playing or fantasizing or daydreaming about being somebody more famous or bigger or better or more skilled or better in some way, right?

[1:28:29] Yeah, and talking to myself and fully pretending and acting it out, not just as a child but when i when i was you know in my adolescence too and i was you know adolescence is still a child adolescence.

[1:28:41] Is still a child technically so.

[1:28:42] Right so i mean.

[1:28:44] You know when girls get together for sleepovers they grab their hair dryers and pretend that they're taylor swift right.

[1:28:49] Yeah yeah that's true so.

[1:28:52] I'm still trying to figure out.

[1:28:55] I i was doing that up until i was probably like uh until i was 22 i was doing that and so it was Okay.

[1:29:01] So give me an example from 22 of what you would do. And again, I'm not skeptical of all of this. I just don't know what you mean by it, so I just want to make sure I understand.

[1:29:12] Right, so things that I would do is talk to myself as if I was somebody else.

[1:29:19] So what would that mean? You're mumbling to yourself on the subway? What do you mean?

[1:29:23] Well, if I'd be driving or if I'd be in the bathroom, I'd pretend I'd be being interviewed by somebody or I'd pretend I'd be like a famous person in these different situations where I'm important and where I'm famous. And that would be acted out pretty much like constantly every day. Whenever I had alone time, really, that would be something I would do.

[1:29:47] Okay, so you have alone time. You're walking around your apartment. So give me an example of who you would pretend to be.

[1:29:55] Um, oh, I would pretend I can't think specifically. Let me think.

[1:30:02] No, you can. You're just embarrassed. Come on.

[1:30:04] I can't.

[1:30:04] You did this two years ago. You said you did it constantly. You've got to remember someone.

[1:30:10] Well, sometimes it wasn't a specific person, but maybe I would see somebody getting interviewed online and I would just act it out as if I were that person, like as if I were, um, like a famous actor. I'm trying to think of somebody specifically. clear um um like as if i were like walking phoenix for example but being but like being the joker guy right yeah like just from an interview oh this is a really cool interview of him i wish i was like that constantly doing that with okay i wish i was like that and then so but.

[1:30:43] Then how would you how would you act it out what would happen.

[1:30:47] I would um Um, I would pretend to be the person interviewing myself and then I would reply as if I were, you know, the famous person. I would, I would do that back and forth.

[1:31:01] Okay. So it'd be like, uh, Hey, I'm Jimmy Fallon. I have with me Joaquin Phoenix, uh, who's just starring in the movie Joker, Joaquin Phoenix, boy, you're skinny and you look terrible in a pair of tidy whiteys to tell me how you prepared for the role. Well, thank you for having me on Jimmy. Well, let me tell you what I did. I got those tidy whiteys and I lost about 4,000 pounds and I turned into a two-dimensional flatland creature that I scaled at the camera and strangled the dwarf. I mean, I'm joking, of course, but so you would do it out loud like that.

[1:31:29] Right? Yeah, like out loud, kind of under my breath to myself. And I wouldn't use other people's names. I would just use my name as if I were that person or in that person's position. You know, looking in the mirror a lot of the time, doing that to myself.

[1:31:47] The, uh, the old, uh, you talking to me? Yeah. So, so did you feel like that was, did you feel like that was crazy or something? Or, or what was your thought about that? I'm not saying it was, I'm just curious what you think about it. I mean, just so you know, like I, I was rehearsing speeches for podcasting before there was even such a thing as podcasting. Like I didn't come into this just out of nowhere, right? I mean, I would, I would be in the car and I would practice great speeches, having no idea where on earth I'd ever be able to do them. So anyway, go on.

[1:32:20] Yeah, I would.

[1:32:21] A lot older than you. I'm sorry.

[1:32:23] Yeah. I'm sorry. What was your question? I apologize.

[1:32:26] No, no. I'm sorry. I asked a question and then totally interrupted. It's much more on me than on you. So did you feel like this was like, I'm crazy. I shouldn't be doing this. This is madness. Or was it just like, I'm just amusing myself. I'm just fantasy play or whatever.

[1:32:45] For a long time, I didn't notice it. For most of my life, I didn't really notice it. And when I did, I definitely felt that it was...

[1:32:52] You didn't notice that you were mumbling under your breath and pretending to be someone else?

[1:32:55] Well, not that I didn't notice it, but I wasn't aware that I was doing it, I guess. I wasn't really...

[1:33:01] Okay, that's kind of the same thing.

[1:33:04] Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's fair. But I didn't ever really think about it. And then when I did, I knew it was... I felt that it was very crazy. Why did you think it was crazy? I didn't do it. Because I just didn't... because just, you know, it's me, me talking to myself, me acting out these scenarios. I didn't know why I was doing it and I didn't know, um, if I was ever going to stop doing it. And I just would kind of, you know, spend a lot of time doing this, especially when I was on, when I was on drugs and I've realized like sometimes I'd reflect upon how long I was doing it for some of the things that I would say. And then all of a sudden I would just stop doing it and walk out of the the bathroom or walk out of my room and just go back to my my everyday life and do you know why do.

[1:33:53] You know why you were doing it.

[1:33:54] From from what i reflected on it i thought it was because, i'd never got attention when i was a child and so i was in my mind sort of simulating me me getting attention from other people as if i was lonely right right yeah i.

[1:34:12] Mean the drugs isolate you you, the pornography isolates you, the obesity isolates you.

[1:34:16] Weight Loss Success

[1:34:17] I'm sorry, remind me when you lost the weight again? I know your brother was helpful in that, but what age were you?

[1:34:21] Um, it was, I was between 20 and 21 years old. So through, from 2020 to 2021, I was shedding off all the, all the weight.

[1:34:30] Okay. Yeah. I mean, you were isolated as a child, right?

[1:34:36] Yeah.

[1:34:36] You were lonely. I mean, you said you had some issues with your brother. You had two siblings, is that right? You have a sister and a brother, right?

[1:34:44] Yeah, an older sister who's five years older than me and my brother who's just under two years older than me.

[1:34:50] And were you and your brother close at all when you were growing up? I would imagine not with your father as an example, but maybe.

[1:34:56] No, sometimes we were, but most of the time he would, he was almost like my father. You know, I would be pushed away from him. He would push me away when we were children. He was younger, right?

[1:35:07] We didn't become close.

[1:35:09] No, he's older than me.

[1:35:10] He's older, okay. All right, right. Okay, yeah. So the older brother often imitates the father and recreates that with the younger brother. Okay. Right. All right.

[1:35:20] Overcoming Self-Talk Habit

[1:35:21] And you said that you've worked, tamped back on that talk-to-yourself habit. Is that right?

[1:35:27] Yeah, I haven't done that for quite some time. But at this point in my mind, I'm just still fighting against a lot of that. that just trying to fighting against you know thinking thinking for my trying to think for myself rather it's just.

[1:35:41] Sorry how would you know how to think for yourself if you don't yet know how to think i mean knowing how to think is a pretty skilled thing most of the world can't do it most people can't do it and never will so that's i mean that's pretty it's like it's like i i just i need to learn how to i need to play the p i need to play the piano really well it's It's like, okay, well, that's a lot of practice and scales and training and, right?

[1:36:05] Right, yeah.

[1:36:05] Struggle with Authenticity

[1:36:06] Like, you can't just be yourself. You can't just think. Because what does it mean to be yourself? Well, you don't want to just be authentic. Like, a serial killer is authentic. He really wants to kill people. Right? You want to be virtuous, right? And to be virtuous is hard as hell. Right? To be, I mean, sorry, it's hard as heck. and you know our good friend jesus himself might uh might testify to that as well that it's not not a.

[1:36:35] Duper amount of.

[1:36:36] Fun being good in a corrupt and decadent world right.

[1:36:41] Right and um a big thing that i'm struggling with is that i've said i've been told about my brother this is how he he sees it and I think he's right in a lot of the sense, but I've set high standards for myself and I'm expecting that from everybody that I come across.

[1:37:04] And sorry, what are the high standards that you've set for yourself?

[1:37:09] Just like the politeness that my father imposed upon us.

[1:37:15] That's an abusive standard. That's an abusive standard. What's a high standard you set for yourself? stuff.

[1:37:20] Um.

[1:37:25] I'm not saying you don't have any, please understand. I get it. I almost couldn't say, what high standards? It makes me sound like I don't think you have any. I accept that you do. I just don't know what they are. And because people say high standards, I don't know what that means. High standards for kung fu, high standards for your cooking, high standards for your exercise or virtue. I don't know.

[1:37:45] I guess just standards in a social sense. Like, I just find I'm expecting a lot of the people like regarding like trying to empathize with them or give me my gosh.

[1:38:01] Yeah. Abstract me into distraction. Like, I feel like I'm vaporizing in your mind. What the hell are you talking about? In practical terms? Please, God, just give me something practical. I'm dying in vapor here.

[1:38:14] I apologize.

[1:38:15] All right. That's all right. I just have to be emphatic about it.

[1:38:18] Yeah i'm i'm i have trouble with trying to say what i'm no i just i don't want the narrative i.

[1:38:24] Just want the facts because the.

[1:38:26] Narrative is not working for you so if you tell me all the things that aren't working.

[1:38:29] For you i know we're wasting time so i just want to get to the facts.

[1:38:32] Yeah i appreciate that um like one thing that's happened is i expect people to be to not talk about me behind my back and to not gossip and to not you know betray me in that sense and that seems to constantly happen.

[1:38:50] Sorry, that's your fault though. Like, that's on you. I don't know why. Like, why would you have that for other people? Because if you choose to have people in your life who are going to betray you, that's your fault.

[1:39:04] Yeah, that's what I'm struggling with.

[1:39:05] Am I wrong about that?

[1:39:06] I expect that.

[1:39:06] Just don't have people in your life who betray you. And if they betray you, talk to them about it. You know, the Jesus thing, the Christ thing, you talk to them about it maybe once, twice. And if they don't admit fault, you dump them. Like, who's in your life is your choice, isn't it?

[1:39:21] Yeah, absolutely. so.

[1:39:22] Maybe I'm missing something here but it's like I want people in my life who don't betray me it's like yeah I think that's a good thing.

[1:39:32] But why.

[1:39:33] Would you blame them you have them.

[1:39:35] In your life no I don't I don't blame them well I do I shouldn't say that you just said I want people to not betray me it's their fault yeah, I surround myself with these people and I have high standards of them even though I'm going against my instinct and thinking like, oh yeah, this person will be, this person isn't good to be here.

[1:39:57] Sorry, you have high standards for the people in your life or in order to be in your life, people have to meet your high standards?

[1:40:06] Yeah, that's probably.

[1:40:07] Like you're not just picking random people and trying to turn them into a great singer, right? You want to pick a good singer and try and turn them into a great singer, right? You just pick random people and want them to be virtuous. You pick virtuous people and hope they stick to it, right?

[1:40:21] Right, yeah.

[1:40:23] Okay, so what else? Your high standards. Because you don't have high standards for yourself, then saying, well, I have to choose good and virtuous and trustworthy people, right? You just try and impose these high standards on others in the same way that your dad imposed these high standards on you.

[1:40:39] Yeah, I think that's more accurate to the problem I'm having then, because I just, And it's like, I'm expecting everybody to act the way that I act, basically.

[1:40:51] Oh, no, no, no. Oh, my gosh. Please don't. You've got to get off that cross, brother. You really do have to get off that cross. Because you're saying, well, you're a wonderful, virtuous person, right? And other people just aren't meeting your lofty standards. Is that right? Like, you're just so good and virtuous. And yet, other people are just disappointing you because they're just not as noble and virtuous as you, right?

[1:41:14] Yeah, it's like, that's what I'm fighting against.

[1:41:15] Okay, but if you're noble and virtuous, then you should have noble and virtuous people around you. And if you don't, the question is, well, why? If you're noble and virtuous, why would you want corrupt people around you? Why would you accept that?

[1:41:33] Right.

[1:41:33] It's not virtuous to have corrupt people around you and then feel superior to them, is it?

[1:41:41] No, no.

[1:41:42] I mean, that's a little pathetic, isn't it? yeah.

[1:41:45] It's completely pathetic yeah.

[1:41:48] And feeling superior is your dad's gig to some degree right yeah absolutely okay so what are the other standards, I mean, I agree with you about having high standards for the people around you, but you don't just pick random people and then apply those high standards. Like, if you're in a choir, it's great to have other great singers around you, but you don't just pick random people and then nag them for being bad singers.

[1:42:19] Yeah, I think that's what I'm doing, is I'm just picking everybody and expecting them to hold to these standards, and then I'm.

[1:42:30] Getting in trouble. Well, and you know, I don't know, I mean, how long have you been listening to my show?

[1:42:36] Setting the Foundation

[1:42:37] Not too long.

[1:42:39] Okay, so how frank do you want me to be?

[1:42:43] No, I'm not going to be offended at you being frank.

[1:42:47] Okay, listen.

[1:42:47] The more frank, the better.

[1:42:48] I have a lot of sympathy for what you went through as a child. I really do. Like, absolutely terrible stuff. You're a young man, and I have great admiration for where you've gotten to in life. Like, really great. Great. I mean, fantastic job. I mean, you're further ahead in many ways than I was at your age. So, you know, what I'm about to say doesn't detract from that. I just want to be really clear about my admiration. But you were a drug addict until like two years ago, right?

[1:43:16] Yeah, absolutely. You were a food addict before that.

[1:43:19] You've been addicted to pornography, and you were having, you know, sleazy, corrupt sex with a woman you didn't even like for a year and a half to two years, right?

[1:43:32] Yeah.

[1:43:33] And then you tried to get back together with her, right? And how long ago did that final breakup happen?

[1:43:42] About two years ago now.

[1:43:44] Okay. Okay, so as far as your resume goes, I think it's important to have some humility about your moral status.

[1:43:56] Right.

[1:43:56] Right? And again, you're not a bad guy. I'm not trying to say that at all.

[1:43:59] No, I needed to hear that, though, yeah. I appreciate that.

[1:44:03] Look, I mean, you always hear me say, well, I guess you haven't heard the show that much. Like, I make mistakes. I've been studying philosophy and morality and virtue for like 40 years, right? Pretty good, pretty good. But, you know, there's always new temptations. There's always new problems. And, I mean, as far as Christianity goes, isn't pride a bit of a sin? I mean, I think it's decent, if I remember my Lucifer backstory correctly, my Lucifer lore.

[1:44:28] Yeah, it's the root of all passions, absolutely.

[1:44:32] Well, it's not the root of all passions, it's the backdrop for all sins, right?

[1:44:37] Yeah, well, the passions in the sense of...

[1:44:39] Well, no, because I think passions for virtue and Jesus are good.

[1:44:44] Right? right yeah there's the the meaning of the in in the orthodox church there's a meaning of passions is in like you know gluttony lust avarice anger um right okay dejection, the material essential okay yeah yeah now.

[1:44:59] What's been going on in your life over the last two years because we kind of dropped off for my fault not yours but we kind of dropped off your narrative with the breakup with the grocery girl.

[1:45:08] Yes after after her breakup uh or after the breakup with her, i was um that was like a very freeing thing for me because i was you know i i felt like i had a clean slate from her um i was ready to start fresh and then i just slowly started um being, i slowly started looking into the truth and that's how i that's how i came into the church and that's how I started started looking into philosophy a little bit and you know I got a better job I was less anxious about things I was a bit more honest with myself and what my situation was regarding my childhood and things like that.

[1:46:00] And it's been positive, but since then I just, yeah, I mean, one of the walls I was hitting was that, you know, just thinking I'm superior over everybody like my, like my father was, that was a, that was a huge thing for me in that, um, you know, that I think that set me back a lot because I, one of the, one of the things that happened when I started, uh, when I got sober was the people that I was surrounded with were just, they were all similar to how I was. And so I, that was a bad influence on me. And so once I started separating from those people or not, before I started separating from them, I started noticing how these people, and I'm not trying to blame them in this sense, but just how, you know, how, how bad of an influence those people were on me. And, um, oh my gosh.

[1:46:51] It was, oh, hang on, hang on. Oh my God. Oh gosh. All right. When you were into taking drugs, did you ever get drugs for other people?

[1:47:09] Did I ever get them for other people?

[1:47:11] Yeah. Answer, of course you did.

[1:47:17] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[1:47:18] I mean, right, you would offer people your drugs or maybe pick up a little extra for others, right?

[1:47:25] Yeah.

[1:47:25] Okay. Did you offer people drugs?

[1:47:31] If I knew that they were drug users, I would, yeah.

[1:47:35] What do you mean? How would you know if they're drug users? You mean if you'd seen them smoking drugs before?

[1:47:41] Yeah, if I'd seen somebody smoking weed before and they were with my friends and I, then I would offer them.

[1:47:47] Okay. And so...

[1:47:49] I would offer them, yeah.

[1:47:50] Did your girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend, did she smoke drugs? Or did she use drugs?

[1:47:56] No, no, she didn't.

[1:47:58] Okay. And did you ever offer her drugs?

[1:48:02] No.

[1:48:03] Really? All right.

[1:48:06] No, when I was with her, I kept it from her.

[1:48:10] And you were baking up four to five times a day. Did I have that right?

[1:48:15] Yeah, not while I was dating her. When I was with her, it was like an occasional thing, on and off.

[1:48:22] Oh, okay. So in the year and a half to two years that you were dating her, you didn't really use drugs much at all?

[1:48:27] No uh maybe like for a uh for a month maybe but it wasn't really uh i'm not sure what you mean well i guess yeah altogether i guess like maybe, um you know there are times where i would go to her place where i would be high without her knowing it um and i did that i did that quite a few times but i stopped after a little while okay Okay.

[1:48:55] Reflections on the Past

[1:48:56] And how long did you drink for?

[1:49:01] Uh, probably a month.

[1:49:02] Oh, so you got into alcohol, but it was only for a month, right?

[1:49:06] Yeah, that was, um, that was an on and off thing too, but I was doing it really consistently for about a month.

[1:49:13] Okay. So, uh, and how long were you a heavy marijuana user for how many years?

[1:49:20] About five. About five years.

[1:49:22] You were a heavy marijuana user. And are you really, are you really going to tell me, and you know, maybe it's right. I don't know the scene or anything like that. are you really going to tell me that you knew for sure every time you got drugs for someone or offered drugs to someone that they were already a habitual user?

[1:49:39] Yeah, I mean, in my friend group, I wasn't really... The people that I was friends with, the only bond was that we were all drug users, essentially. Like, I just...

[1:49:49] Okay, so you didn't do drugs with people you didn't know?

[1:49:53] No, no.

[1:49:54] Over five years, you never went to a party, you never...

[1:49:56] Well, no, yeah.

[1:49:57] Sorry? yeah.

[1:49:58] Maybe i maybe i yeah maybe in like uh like if i was with my friend we would drive somewhere that he do a friend's house that he um your friend that he had that i didn't know but, um most of the time people had their own had their own weed they had their own drugs and so there wasn't a lot of.

[1:50:15] I'm not trying to say you were a drug dealer i'm just saying that, when you say like you were a a heavy drug addict for half a decade which would have had a corrupting influence on others as well right so right because you would might have used more than other people and that might have been a path for them to follow yeah.

[1:50:38] That's true i used i used more than any of the people that i was around.

[1:50:41] Right so that may have had an effect on increasing, their drug use you know like i mean if you talk to people who are smokers they say well you know if there are people around smoking at the party you know like just regular not marijuana smokers although I'm sure that's true with that as well. But when you talk to smokers, right, then they'll say, well, you know, if there's smoking at the party, like, I'll have cigarettes. But if there isn't, you know, I'll bum a cigarette or whatever it is. But if there's not any smoking going on, like, I'm fine with that, right?

[1:51:12] Right.

[1:51:14] So it's possible that you contributed to the corruption of others, but all you're talking about is other people corrupting you.

[1:51:25] Yeah, you're right. I was trying to say how once I sobered up, I didn't think I should continue to be around that crowd.

[1:51:36] No, that's not what you said. You talked about people corrupting you. Did it happen? Sure. But did you also do it? Absolutely.

[1:51:44] Yeah, you're right.

[1:51:45] And that's, again, part of the humility thing, right? Which is, you're capable of sin, I'm capable of sin, and if all we focus is on the people who sin against us, we end up vain and prideful, right? And we feel like victims, and we have a higher sense of our own virtues than may be totally accurate. Whereas if we say, yeah, I mean, people did bad things to me, and I did bad things to others.

[1:52:13] Right. Right. yeah i think that's pretty much spot on as to where i was i think at that point.

[1:52:19] No no not where you were i mean i mean where you were yeah that's what you were just saying now yeah yeah.

[1:52:24] Where i am was just being oh i did all that but now i'm better than everybody and now i'm.

[1:52:30] Right and that's i'm above that that's that's not going to be spot on yeah that's not going to be realistic because here's the thing like i want you to have great people in your life right yeah.

[1:52:40] I appreciate that.

[1:52:41] And and the way that you get great people in your life is you don't play the victim because people People who are high-quality people, they do not like being around victims.

[1:52:50] Right.

[1:52:52] Hard done by people, people who pretend that they're superior to others. Right?

[1:52:58] Right, yeah.

[1:53:00] I mean, you lied to your girlfriend. Right.

[1:53:05] Yeah. Right?

[1:53:06] I mean, you pretended to be sober when you were, in fact, high.

[1:53:11] Yeah, I lied to my brother about that as well.

[1:53:14] Right. And I'm not trying to make you feel like a bad guy. Of course not. I'm just saying that, you know, maybe the giant flag of I'm perfect and everybody else disappoints me and betrays me might not be the most comprehensive statement in the known universe. Does that make sense? You know, I mean this with great affection, right? Because we all do this.

[1:53:32] No, yeah. yeah i uh no i totally agree and i i appreciate that because hollow hypocritical.

[1:53:39] Self-righteousness which we all have and i'm not you know but it's not the most attractive.

[1:53:43] Trait in the known universe no and that's probably like the most prominent trait that i've had you know as of late right just been once i came out of that i just immediately adopted that and well.

[1:53:55] It's one extreme.

[1:53:56] To the other right.

[1:53:57] Which which is often.

[1:53:57] Happening so when.

[1:53:58] You don't have a bond with your parents as a kid. And in fact, your parents seem to take fairly significant delight in shredding that bond on a regular basis. But when you don't have a bond with kids, you tend to swing from one extreme to the other. I mean, we all do, right? I mean, I didn't have a bond with my parents as a kid. And you know, Lord knows I've had my own share of extremes here and there. So it just tends to be go from one extreme to the other. And so going from, you know, being an addict to being the perfect guy that everyone disappoints. I think that has a lot more to do with not feeling necessarily your identity if you're reacting. Like you're reacting to your childhood and now you're reacting to some of the negative things that you did. And I think if you're in a state of reaction, it's really tough to feel genuinely yourself because you're bouncing off history, if that makes sense.

[1:54:52] No, absolutely, yeah.

[1:54:55] And what's your relationship like with your parents at the moment?

[1:54:59] I haven't talked to my dad in... Uh, probably like I think he texted me once, like, uh, like before that, like after the new year, but I, I'm not in really contact with him at this point. And my mom is, I don't, I don't live with them. I don't live in the same province as them. Um, and my mom is, I, at this point, I'm just trying to completely like cut off ties with, with her. and with my with my father sorry that's pretty much a i'm sorry.

[1:55:40] To hear that and but i understand and b do have you had any conversations with them i'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't i'm just curious if you've had.

[1:55:47] Conversations with.

[1:55:48] Them about what happened in childhood and things that you have issues with.

[1:55:54] No that's been really like just a confrontation in general like the whole like trying to RTR with somebody is like extremely difficult for me especially my, parents like um like when I was reading real-time relationships and when it the the part about you know seeing your mom pop up on the call display and telling her how you feel like that was terrifying to me thinking about you know saying that to my mom and so any any confrontation about my childhood has been hasn't i haven't had any of that and it's been very and it doesn't sound like that's something you.

[1:56:32] Think would go well right.

[1:56:33] No not at all i think it would be my mom would get very emotional my dad would deny it it would be uh well it wouldn't get emotional she'd.

[1:56:41] Just get manipulative.

[1:56:42] Yeah yeah exactly yeah she'd have pretend emotions to control others yes.

[1:56:47] Well i'm i'm really sorry about all of that of course that's that's that's very tough that's It's very tough.

[1:56:51] Seeking Resolution

[1:56:52] And in general, if you are going through significant family challenges like this, I've always had a strong recommendation to see a counselor or at least, you know, if you're part of a church, right?

[1:57:03] Yeah.

[1:57:03] Okay, so maybe talk to, I would certainly talk to a trusted spiritual advisor, priest, or a guidance, a person of spiritual or psychological guidance. I would strongly recommend doing that process. And when I was going through these kind of family paroxysms, I was definitely in therapy, and I've always recommended that to the people. I'm just putting that out for you as a recommendation, because it's a tough thing to go through alone.

[1:57:31] Yeah, I really appreciate that, Stefan. I mean, I've gone to therapy a few times. At this point, I'm not sure if the therapist is a good fit for me, but I've noticed it's helped a little bit.

[1:57:40] A priest, maybe a priest. If you have a good priest, he might help a lot. And how is your brother's relationship with your parents?

[1:57:49] He's defu. He's been into your content before I have, and he is not in contact with them at all.

[1:57:56] And has that given them any pause or any reflection or any, has it slowed them down at all? No.

[1:58:06] No. I think my brother could explain everything to my mom and she still wouldn't get it. My dad, I don't know the extent of what he said to my dad. I think they know deep down, but they probably just don't want to think about it.

[1:58:30] Right. And is there any dating on the horizon for you?

[1:58:33] You not at the moment not with uh i've i've got some you know ideas of what i want to do for my future but right now with the way my health is and with the way the the state of my self-knowledge i'm just trying to get healthy and to to um you know build build myself back up again at this point correct.

[1:58:52] And what the bladder issue is is it a series of infections is it.

[1:58:56] I mean i guess you You don't know to some degree. I didn't put this in the email. This is a big fault on my part, and I apologize for that. But part of the bladder, I think maybe it could either be from the weight loss. It could be from stress. But I'm most certain it's from, and I'm sorry I didn't put this in the email, but it was around 2021 I got one dose of the vaccine because I was being pushed out of the home because my sister had a young child and my mom... Oh, and she thought without the vaccine, her child's life was at risk. And my brother and I were with my mom, living with my mom, and there was a lot of emotional manipulation. I just became really nihilistic and just gave in. And it didn't even matter.

[1:59:50] You didn't want to take it?

[1:59:52] I didn't want to take it. My brother was trying to do everything he could to steer me in the right direction. I broke down in tears and I just told him I can't do it. I just totally dissociated and just went and did it. I'm sure that could be the cause of it. That, to me, is most likely.

[2:00:17] You took one of the two-dose ones?

[2:00:22] Yeah, one of the two dose ones. I think it was Medina. I took a shot of Medina.

[2:00:27] Did you have any negative effects right away or why didn't you get the second shot?

[2:00:34] Um, I didn't get the second shot just because, uh, I kind of came like, kind of realized what I did and it didn't even matter. Like once I got the second shot, they were pretty much like over the whole thing. Like they were over the whole COVID buzz. And so it didn't really.

[2:00:47] It's wild to have that all just evaporated, right?

[2:00:51] Yeah. And it, yeah, that's what it was.

[2:00:53] It's the worst pandemic in human history. It ceased to exist. It's just wild. This complete amnesia. It's just, it's, it's mad. It's, I feel like I'm living in this like medical madhouse these days. Except, of course, among the people I know.

[2:01:09] Yeah, it was... That kind of made me... It was just influenced by the emotional manipulation from my sister. Using her kids to manipulate us, to our well-being.

[2:01:22] Well, I'm sure she backs them too and all that.

[2:01:25] Yeah, I'm not even... I'm sure she did. I haven't talked to her in a long time.

[2:01:30] But um geez so you got the max with someone you're not even talking to anymore yeah.

[2:01:36] For for essentially no reason other than just because i didn't want to face hardship that was no.

[2:01:41] No no come on be kinder to yourself for that there was industrial grade stuff going on there to influence the whole population so okay yeah yeah but i mean i wouldn't uh i of course i have no idea i mean i'm not a doctor and all of that but uh is it something that can get resolved is there is there their hope for resolution? And how long have you been dealing with it?

[2:02:03] I've been dealing with it since 2000, probably early 2022. I think March of 2022, I've been dealing with this.

[2:02:10] Wow, two plus years. That's tough. Is it a constant ache or constant pain?

[2:02:16] Yeah, there's no pain, but it's the constant feeling like your bladder's full. And at this point, I don't want to be gross, but like my um you know my urethra is feels very weak it feels like it's getting worse, what do you mean well just like like um uh like like going to the bathroom it's like i can't fully empty my bladder and it's the feeling of like i constantly have to pee essentially, some days it's worse than others some days i'll go once every hour some days i won't but it'll You'll feel more inflamed.

[2:02:52] And then, of course, you feel nervous and all of that. And does the medical system or the doctors, have they said anything in particular?

[2:03:02] No it's when i got ultrasounds done and urine tests nothing came back out of the ordinary that when i was living in a different province i was in line um to see a urologist and what by the time i was able after a four month wait to see the urologist i kind of i wasn't taking it seriously at the time and so i was like oh no you know because i was going to get a procedure i don't know the medical name but um where they put a camera in your urethra and look at your bladder wall to see if there's anything wrong with it. I was going to get that done, but I was like, oh, I'm fine. So that'll be, I don't need that. And then it started bothering me again. And, uh, you know, the, the, where I'm, where I'm at now, I'm basically just going to have to go. I'm, I was in another waiting list to see a urologist before I moved. And then once I moved into this province where I am now, um, I'm just going to have to go and start from the beginning, get ultrasounds done and able to be on the wait for a urologist. Well, you can always.

[2:03:58] Exploring Healthcare Options

[2:03:58] I mean, I know it can be costly, but you can always get to the States.

[2:04:04] Yeah, that's true. I never really thought about that.

[2:04:08] No, I mean, you can, there are people who facilitate this for you. I only know this because I had to basically flee the Canadian healthcare system when I had a tumor and go to the States.

[2:04:17] Oh, wow.

[2:04:17] And so there's places, you just call them up and say, listen, I need this, that, and the other. and you can just look it up just do a search uh and and say you know canadians seeking healthcare us there are places that will hook you up with the right people and and and make sure it all works out well again i mean you know whether whether you can or can't financially that's that's another matter but uh it's certainly worth looking into i would suggest yeah.

[2:04:41] No that's a that that's a huge help i really appreciate that i didn't i didn't know that that was as much as possible.

[2:04:46] Yeah yeah it's uh i i was not too certain about it until i was just like my god this place is going to get me killed um not not that that's you not that that's you you got a bladder thing i had a giant tumor so it's a bit of a different situation so but yeah you're not necessarily trapped into just waiting yeah.

[2:05:02] That's good to know that's good to know for sure.

[2:05:04] All right uh so okay i mean we're sort of getting getting to the end and i certainly do appreciate all the information and um is there anything else that that i can help you with as we sort of wind things down no.

[2:05:18] I i think um you know you told me like a lot of things that i needed to hear and that i wouldn't have you know come to these conclusions there's no way i would have come to these conclusions on my own um, I have a lot to reflect upon. I can't tell you how grateful I am for this. This really means a lot to me, Stephan. I really appreciate this.

[2:05:44] Oh, brother, you're totally welcome. It's my absolute pleasure and my admiration for where you are in life, given your origin story and your empirical history. I wouldn't say it's a miracle because that makes it sound half impossible and doesn't give you enough credit.

[2:05:58] Right.

[2:05:59] Good for you. You know, please pass along my best wishes to your brother for the work that he's doing. And I mean, you guys are really, you're killing it out there in terms of progress and absolutely guaranteed you're not going to be like your father to your kids. And that's in one generation to make that kind of progress is just fantastic. And I'm just, I can't tell you how thrilled I am at what you guys are doing and how much in almost awe, but definitely admiration I am for what you guys are up to. It's a beautiful thing to see and, you know, fantastic, fantastic stuff. And I'm really glad that Christianity is clicking well for you, because that can be a great source of strength. But yeah, don't worry about not feeling who you are. I mean, not feeling authentic. The thing that matters, this is the last thing I'll say, the thing that matters in my humble opinion, and it's very humble, so I don't know if this is going to work for you. But the thing that matters is not to be yourself, because I'm not really sure what that means, but to be good.

[2:06:54] Okay.

[2:06:54] Right. Authenticity is a circle. It's like a snake eating its own tail, right? I am what I feel is a lot to do with what people call authenticity or being yourself. I don't care about being yourself. And by the way, neither does Jesus. What does Jesus care about? You being good. And being good often means not feeling like yourself, right? You liked to eat. When you stopped eating as much, did you feel like yourself? Right.

[2:07:25] Yeah, not in a technical sense.

[2:07:27] No, because you like to eat.

[2:07:29] I was eating, yeah.

[2:07:30] Yeah, you like to smoke marijuana. When you stopped smoking marijuana, did you feel like yourself? When you quit porn, did you feel like yourself? No, of course you didn't. You were actually going against what you wanted. You were going against what yourself was used to, right? Right. So what matters is to be good. This authenticity stuff is demonic. I mean, I don't want to get overly strong, but it's straight up satanic. It is. Do what thou wilt, though thou harm no other. So, it's hedonistic, this indulgence of the self, and I just want to be myself, and like this, it's a be yourself, no matter what they say is a song. It's just, no, I don't want to be myself, whatever that is, because yourself is the past, and virtue is the future, right?

[2:08:08] Virtue over Authenticity

[2:08:09] Yourself is your habits and your emotional preferences, usually baked in pretty early on in your life, either through trauma or nature or whatever, right? And there's nothing wrong with your instincts and your feelings, but virtualizing the present habits are changed from the past. And so, be yourself or be authentic or be who you are. I don't care about, I don't personally care about any of that stuff. What I care about is being honest, not bearing false witness and trying to be as virtuous as possible and spread as much virtue as possible with, you know, compassion and some strength and some standards and, you know, all the things that I have with myself and I try to have with others as well. So, you know, to hell with authenticity and literally to hell. Like, You go to hell with authenticity, but you get to heaven through virtue. And that's what I would recommend.

[2:08:54] Right. Yeah. That's wow. Yeah. I mean, that's like, you know, you, you, you said everything I needed to hear essentially. I mean, that's yeah.

[2:09:03] Beautiful. Well, then I'll quit while I'm ahead. And I really do thank you for the conversation. I really do appreciate it. And I hope you'll keep me posted about how things are going with you.

[2:09:12] I absolutely will. Stefan. Thank you again so much. Thank you.

[2:09:15] My friend. Take care. Bye-bye.

[2:09:17] You as well. Bye.

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