0:12 - Introduction to Parenting Styles
23:35 - Understanding Pro-Social Behavior
26:21 - The Challenge of Aggressive Children
44:57 - Addressing Aggression and Antisocial Behavior
The lecture focuses on the distinctions between authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles, drawing from evidence-based research by Gwen Dewar. Authoritative parenting is characterized by a balance of responsiveness and expectation, where parents maintain warmth and support while also setting clear rules and standards. This style promotes maturity and cooperation appropriate to the child’s developmental stage, contrasting sharply with authoritarian parenting, which demands compliance and obedience through threats and harsh discipline.
The lecture outlines the four identified parenting styles: permissive, authoritarian, authoritative, and uninvolved or neglectful, with a significant emphasis on the importance of warmth in nurturing. Authoritative parents, in contrast to permissive ones, impose rules without being harsh and focus on reasoning. They engage in persuasive communication rather than coercion, which fosters a sense of empathy in children. Authoritative parenting has been observed to yield better emotional, cognitive, and behavioral outcomes in children, reducing sibling conflicts and enhancing academic performance.
A critical aspect of authoritative parenting is the practice of inductive discipline, which encourages children to understand the implications of their behavior on others. This method aims to instill intrinsic motivation to behave well, emphasizing empathy and cooperation over mere compliance. However, the lecture raises concerns about the broader implications of teaching children that upsetting others is inherently wrong. It discusses the potential for children to struggle with real-world situations where making others upset might be necessary or justified, such as standing against unpopular opinions or injustice.
The lecture critiques the parenting guidance that centers on emotional coaching and positive reinforcement without a robust moral foundation. It questions whether children raised to avoid upsetting others are adequately prepared for the complexities of a competitive world. The expectation that good behavior equates to not causing emotional distress is juxtaposed against the notion that sometimes moral integrity requires discomfort, both for oneself and for others.
Furthermore, the speaker highlights the paradox of teaching empathy in a society where feelings often trump morality. With reference to real-life scenarios involving social media and societal pressures, the lecture illustrates how teaching children exclusively about kindness and not upsetting others could leave them vulnerable to manipulation and control.
The conversation shifts toward examining the role of parents as role models and the importance of ensuring children possess the tools to navigate conflicts. While promoting pro-social behavior is essential, the lecture underlines the necessity of preparing children for the realities of adult life, including facing competition, asserting themselves, and maintaining moral integrity even in the face of opposition.
In conclusion, the lecture advocates for a balanced approach to parenting that incorporates warmth, clear moral standards, and the understanding that discomfort is sometimes essential for personal growth and ethical development. By fostering resilience and encouraging children to stand up for their beliefs while maintaining open lines of communication, parents can better prepare their children for the challenges of the world beyond childhood.
[0:00] All right. Hey, everybody. This is a little chitty chat about authoritative versus authoritarian parenting.
[0:12] And I'm the authoritative parenting style and evidence-based guide. And this is by Gwen Dewar. This is from. So what is authoritative parenting? So I'm going to have a quick review of these. Sorry, there's just a bunch of definitions. Permissive parents are warm and responsive, but reluctant to impose rules or standards. They prefer to let their kids regulate themselves. Authoritarian parents show less warmth and sensitivity and insist on blind obedience. A little typo there, not the end of the world. They attempt to enforce compliance through punishments, threats, and psychological control. Authoritarian parents steer a middle path. They are warm and responsive. Like permissive parents, they avoid harsh punishments and allow for a child to exercise some autonomy. But where permissive parents shrink away from enforcing standards, authoritative parents embrace it. They expect maturity and cooperation, as much as is appropriate for a child's stage of development, and they guide behavior by reasoning with their kids. So this sounds pretty good. It sounds close to peaceful parenting.
[1:21] And let's find out if it is. In subsequent studies, researchers also identified a fourth style, sometimes called uninvolved or neglectful parenting, where parents lacked warmth and failed to enforce standards. Okay, so the overwhelming evidence that kids need parental warmth to thrive, nurturing responsive parenting leads to better emotional cognitive and behavioral outcomes. It can even protect kids from toxic stress.
[1:52] So parenting styles that feature warmth and responsiveness, authoritative and permissive, are better overall than the remaining alternatives, authoritarian and uninvolved. There is also evidence favoring authoritative parenting as the best style. So reducing sibling conflicts, better academic performance, and so on, right?
[2:16] So, what's the key difference between authoritative parenting and permissive parenting? So, permissive parents and authoritative parents share an approach that is responsive, nurturing, and involved. Both show respect for children as independent beings. But unlike permissive parents, authoritative parents don't let their kids get away with bad behavior. Authoritative parents take a firm stand insisting that their kids behave responsibly. Another little typo, no biggie. So the authoritarian parent is a drill sergeant do it now or else the drill sergeant tries to get his way through threats and coercion by contrast the authoritative parent aims students by cooperation by fostering positive feelings and teaching kids the reasons for the rules.
[3:06] So authoritative parents communicate lots of warmth to their kids they avoid using harsh or arbitrary punishments. They are less likely to shame their kids or attempt to control kids by withdrawing love. And when their children make mistakes or misbehave, they talk with them about it, they listen to their children's concerns, and take them into account. They help kids figure out what went wrong and explain the consequences of good and bad behavior. So while they have similar looking names, there is a big difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Okay, so how do you, there's more details here, but let's say how do you practice authoritative parenting? So there's a questionnaire. Authoritative parents tend to agree with statements like these. I take my child's wishes and feelings into consideration before I ask her to do something. I encourage my child to talk about his feelings. I try to help when my child is scared or upset. I provide my child with reasons for the expectations I have for her. I respect my child's opinion and encourage him or her to express them, even if they're different from my own. Okay. So this is a small sample of the sort of questionnaires.
[4:21] Okay, so how do authoritative parents get their kids to cooperate? Researchers call it inductive discipline. It helps kids become more empathetic, helpful, conscientious, and kind to others. It may also promote the development of morality and lower a child's risk for developing aggressive or defiant behavior problems.
[4:40] Inductive discipline focuses on teaching kids to think constructively and non-selfishly about how their behavior affects others. Right so how their behavior affects others this is really really important because this is, feminine and i don't mean this in any negative way whatsoever and again boring boring tons of exceptions blah blah we know we know we know but how their behavior affects others, so this is a morality is in this view is not upsetting others not hurting others feelings, and having good outcomes right so this is really really important morality in this general it's a general modern sense as a whole is not upsetting other people not hurting other people's feelings and having positive outcomes. But that is the tyranny of emotion and conformity to what is, and that is feminine as a whole. And it has its strengths, of course, right? And it has its weaknesses, which is why men and women combine to complement each other.
[5:59] All right, but I won't get into the examples until we dig more into the details. The idea that instead of trying to enforce good behavior through threats and punishments, you provide kids with the internal tools to regulate themselves. Here are the components. Okay, so shape your child's behavior through reasoning. Why she can't touch something. That's not for you. It's too hot. It could burn you. But for older kids, it means talking with them, not at them, about the reasons for our policies and rules. Okay, yeah, explain why that's good. Be your child's emotion coach. What should your child do when he feels angry or sad or scared? Inductive discipline depends on your child's ability to cope with strong emotions. Okay. A good emotion coach.
[6:43] Emphasize empathy and concern for others. The goal of, sorry, this is just so girly. The goal of inductive discipline is to nurture a child's intrinsic motivation to cooperate and behave with kindness. And studies show that even very young children feel empathy and want to be helpful. So we can help kids develop moral reasoning skills by talking to them about how our behavior impacts others. Okay, so this is a big problem. And this is like, honestly, this is in the world. It's sending the lambs out among the wolves, right? So it's one basic, basic, basic problem with this approach. And again, we'll get into this in more detail. Maybe it's explained further down, but here's the big problem with this. If you say to your children.
[7:30] That you have to cooperate and behave with kindness, that means that, If they upset someone, they've done something wrong. And at a very, very surface level, we can understand this. If you upset someone, you've done something wrong. Well, putting limits on children can upset them. Is that wrong? So you actually have to inflict upset on a child in order to set limits. Let's say the child wants a candy bar and it's not the right time. Then the child will be upset that they don't get a candy bar. So saying, be kind, be nice, think about how your behavior impacts others, it's violated even in the enforcement. Even in setting these limits, you upset children. So then upsetting is irrelevant to morality or in fact, upsetting others is a foundational component of morality, right? I mean, yesterday I was having lunch with the fam and the waitress came by with a dessert menu, and, you know, I have a slight weakness for bread pudding and I had to sort of, my stomach like growled when I mouth watered and I had to say no, right? So I upset my tongue, right? I upset my taste buds and my preference for something delicious like that.
[8:55] So if you diet, you're upsetting your body and your system, right? So if you say that morality or the good is not upsetting others, but the only way you can enforce morality or the good is by upsetting others. We need morality because we want to do things that are self-contradictory or corrupt or wrong. So it doesn't make much sense. And here's the second. The second part of this is really, really important and foundational to the modern world. So.
[9:27] When you say that which is upsetting is bad, that which hurts the feelings of others, if that is bad, that shows a fundamental lack of understanding about how corrupt and immoral people operate. Foundational. Foundational. So let's look at social media, right? So social media, how do you get people banned? Everybody knows this, right? How do you get people banned? Well, you have a mass flagging campaign where everyone says that what this person says is terrible, upsetting, offensive, and makes them frightened and could lead to negative real world consequences. So when you say, if you upset people, you're bad, then you are delivering the lambs to the wolves, because then people will simply pretend to be upset in order to control you. You cannot give your children the idea that upsetting people is just bad.
[10:31] It's wrong to upset you. I must cooperate. You must be kind. You must, because all that happens is people then control your children throughout their lives by pretending to be upset. If you say, well, you've upset this, look, this person's crying. You've upset this person, then they will simply be dominated and controlled and bullied and pushed around by people who fake being upset in order to bully them. Right? I mean, everybody knows that sort of cliche in movies about nasty kids or bad kids or whatever, you know, this cliche where, you know, the kid gets another kid, like the sister gets the brother punished by pretending to cry and then gives her brother a smirk as the mother is trying to comfort her because she just faked being upset in order to get the boy punished and we see this all over the place right people shouldn't be upset and this is really this is this is where censorship is coming from, upsetting people is bad you shouldn't upset people well that just means that people who pretend to be upset control your life it's terrible all right.
[11:42] Authoritative parent promotes secure attachment and autonomy. Okay. Encouraging independence also fosters self-reliance and resourcefulness. Sure. Parental warmth is helpful for raising a child's self-esteem. Self-esteem is a kind of a problematic phrase because people who are sociopaths and so on have extremely high self-esteem. It's too high. Kids are more likely to improve their behavior if we replace shaming and negativity with friendly encouragement. Okay, so here we have misbehavior, improving your behavior, being uncooperative, maybe upsetting others and so on. So none of this is, it's the question of appropriate, right? This is inappropriate behavior. So it's bad, but there's no rule as to why.
[12:36] So here, there is no morality. So if there's no morality, then how are children's behaviors evaluated and corrected? According to what standard, right? So, I mean, for me, it was a sort of UBB, right? If my daughter experimented with making a promise and breaking a promise, my answer was, so am I allowed to do that too? I mean, if this is the rule, right, I'm not going to have better rules than you. So as a whole, right, in this instance. So if you're allowed to make promises and break promises, then I'm allowed to make promises and break promises. I mean, it's a little bit of Kant, and it's a whole lot of UPB, which is if the principle of your behavior is universalized, are you happy? And of course she wasn't. So it's a moral thing. You don't want to be hypocritical. You don't want to pretend. You don't want to uphold rules for others that you're happy to break yourself. And I said, because then you just have to have dummies around you who don't notice that. right? So that's not good.
[13:42] All right. Inductive discipline teaches children how to resolve conflicts in peaceful, respectful ways. So I'm sorry to say, but this is just a whole bunch of words, you know, peaceful, respectful, warm, friendly, cooperative. I mean, these are all just words. And again, I know that they're broken down more and this is just a summary, but I have yet to see any kind of moral rule here.
[14:08] All right. When we use inductive discipline, we aren't just teaching self-regulation. We're also acting as role models, demonstrating techniques for resolving conflicts and soothing bad feelings. You see there? Soothing bad feelings. That's a female thing. Right? So women are cooperative in the having and raising of children in our evolution, right? Women are cooperative. Women's children, women's offspring, women's entire reproductive purpose has no chance of survival without the cooperation of others. And so soothing bad feelings is really important because if you're ostracized, then your kids probably won't survive. Or even if they do, they won't reproduce because nobody will allow their kids to mate with your kids or marry your kids or whatever. So soothing bad feelings, very important for women. For men, nope. Nope, nope, nope. For men, success is in many ways the provocation of bad feelings, right? So in my heyday, I was getting many more views, likes, and having much more influence than a lot of mainstream media, right? So I felt happy about that, and they felt enraged, right? So whenever they were writing about me in general, they were writing about a competitor who was quite successful. So for men to succeed.
[15:28] Yeah, other people have to feel bad. I mean, if you're going to hunt, whatever you're hunting feels bad. In war, you definitely want to provoke bad feelings in others, right? You want them to lose so that you win. So men have to guide themselves to some degree according to the bad feelings of others, right? So how do you know that the cheerleader is of great value? Now, of course, the cheerleaders are attractive and so on. But it's also because, I mean, I saw this in two different schools. I remember the name of one of the girls, but not the other. I saw this in two different schools, in boarding school and junior high. There was the queen of the environment, the queen bee. It was the girl that everybody liked, everybody wanted, and all the boys would trail after her and stare at her. And so one of the ways that you know that a female is high status is not just because of your own feelings towards her, but because of everyone else's feelings towards her. And so if you get a date with the high-status female, and let's say you date her, you become her boyfriend and whatever, right? Then other boys feel frustrated and upset.
[16:41] So, yeah. And soothing bad feelings is important when you're dealing with toddlers, right? Because the toddler's feelings can be kind of wild and they need comfort and so on. But that's not something you bring to adulthood, right? When I was in competition in the business world, I would go for presentations for what I was selling, and there would be competitors. There'd be a bunch of competitors, sometimes even in the waiting room.
[17:10] And I wouldn't wish them good luck. Right? I don't want them to have good luck. I want to get the contract. I want to get the million dollars, and I want them to not get the million dollars. And when I got the million dollars, I was happy. When they got the million dollars, I was unhappy. So, yeah, anyway, it doesn't really translate. And also, is there any differentiation between boys and girls, males and females? All right. So...
[17:41] That's not good. Kids learn how to compromise, negotiate, and cooperate. And this may explain why preschoolers from authoritative homes experience fewer aggressive behavior problems. And I understand that. I think that's true. And that's helpful for sure. But children are in a state of powerlessness and you must prepare them as they grow to be in a situation of independence and power and authority themselves, right? So I can get that it's convenient to the parents if the kids don't upset each other too much. But if you simply train your kids that upsetting anyone is bad, then they become conformists and half slaves when they grow up. And then like if they're in a conflict and the other person seems really upset, they'll just, well, I can't do that. You can write you in. Like, that's no good. That's no good. I mean, teaching kids how to get along is fine, but you also have to teach them how to win. In the bloodsport brutal competition of love, money, and war. So, anyway.
[18:45] Kids with warm authority, but parents tend to have better family relationships. That's good. Ah, here we go. Parental warmth is also linked with pro-social behavior. Decades ago, researchers working in the Netherlands made a fascinating discovery. They watched as children attempted to solve a series of puzzle tasks with their parents, and they took note of parental behavior. How often did parents voice disapproval or try to take over a task? How often did parents show warmth? Did they expect their kids to behave with age-appropriate maturity? When guiding behavior, did they do so in ways that respected the child's autonomy? What would happen if we tried this? As it turned out, parents who behaved more authoritatively during the puzzle task had kids who were rated as more pro-social, helpful, and kind. Helpful and kind. You know, only in a very, very peaceful society, right? Only in a very peaceful society, relatively peaceful society, with debt, right? So debt has, I'm not kidding about this. I know it sounds very abstract. Debt has really promoted this stuff in brutal and horrendous ways. Because it's easy to be helpful and kind, right? So let me give you an example, right? So... Is it easier to give to charity when you have a million dollars in the bank, or is it easier to give to charity if you have only $5 in your pocket?
[20:14] Well, obviously, the more resources you have, the easier it is to be generous. So debt has raised this helpful and kind stuff to, I mean, deranged and pathological levels. It's psychotic. You've got to be helpful and kind. Well, because national debts all throughout the world has removed limitations, right? If you said to people, well, do you want to send this X amount of dollars to this foreign country, right? Well, if the money is just kind of printed or borrowed or created out of thin air in some way, well, who's going to say no? Well, we want to be helpful and kind. It doesn't cost anyone anything. Whereas if you say to people, you need to write me a check for $1,000 right now so I can send money to X, Y, or Z foreign country, well, then you have the limitation of actually having to pay for things, right? So there's no balancing.
[21:07] It is uh like like people who have delusions of grandeur people who are megalomaniacs do not experience limitations right they believe they can do anything they can write the best opera the best play they can stay up for three days straight they're limited by nothing they're in contact with god they they are masters of the universe right the removal of limitations well it's the removal of sanity, rationality, morality, and, well, reality, of course, as a whole. So this helpful and kind stuff is just driven by government debt. Should we help X group of people? Well, in a sane universe, right, in a Bitcoin-based universe.
[21:52] Then all additions are subtractions, right? And we all know this from our personal finances, right? If I want to buy a computer, then I have to subtract what I could buy or could save, of course, right? If I want to spend $1,000 on a computer, then that's $1,000 less that I have to spend on other things, right? So we weigh things in the balance. If you can just buy anything you want without limit, then you lose reality, right? So this helpful and kind stuff, again, traditionally it was women who wanted to be helpful and kind and men who would say whether it could or could not be afforded. But with that restraint removed, it's become truly demonic. And I'm not kidding about this incredibly pathological, this helpful and kind stuff. Hey, it's nice to be helpful and kind.
[22:44] But when have the voters, when a new program or plan is offered, right? Free daycare, right? Or socialized medicine. When have voters, when a new plan is promised or announced, when have voters ever been asked, how are you going to pay for this? And what are you going to cut? You want this? Okay, you want subsidized daycare? Great. What should we cut? What should we cut? I mean, in my documentary, Sunset in the Golden State, I went up to the LA City Council and was asking them how they were going to pay for everything. How do you pay, right? I was whisked. Well, not whisked, but I was encouraged to not continue asking my questions, right?
[23:35] So, pro-social behavior. So what is pro-social behavior? It means getting along within society. But if your society is going in the wrong direction, right? I mean, it's a lemming thing, right? Well, go along with the lemmings. Don't hurt the lemmings' feelings, and don't argue differently, and everybody goes off a cliff, right?
[23:56] To go against people's preferences, like when I say to people that, you know, government spending is out of control and debt makes people crazed and it makes them very aggressive, right? Because when people have delusions, they get very aggressive because they found their virtue on that which is unreal. And once you point out that it's unreal, then their sense of virtue collapses and then they get really aggressive because they feel aggressed again. And so telling someone the truth about virtue signaling or moral posturing, right, which is using, like, moral posturing in general is to do with stealing from the poor and the unborn. Like, the most vulnerable groups in society are the poor and the unborn, right, the people who aren't even born yet. And if you're stealing, you know, if you steal from a woman in a wheelchair, right, that's pretty wretched, right? If you steal from somebody who isn't even born, that's, I mean, they're completely defenseless, right? So if you point out that spending a bunch of money on stuff is actually corrupt and immoral, because you're stealing from the poor, inflation, I mean, it hits everybody, but it hits the poor the hardest.
[25:07] So money printing, borrowing, and national debts steal from the poor and the unborn, and, you know, the aged on fixed incomes, but at least the aged have had their entire life to vote. The poor haven't even been born yet. Sorry, the unborn have not even been born yet. So when you point out that society is going in a really bad direction and that vanity and psychotic self-praise has overtaken rational morality and compassion, right? Well, people are going to get really upset and angry at you. And how does this handle that, right? When should you stand up against the crowd? All right. Yeah, pro-social behavior is adolescence. Okay. Can you, I mean, let's take an extreme example. If you were in Nazi Germany or you are in Chairman Mao's bloody revolution or in communism, should you be pro-social? Should you get along? Lech. All right. Are better behaved kids more likely to elicit authoritative caregiving from their parents? Right. See, difficult disruptive behavior Interesting, right?
[26:22] So, yeah, I get that, right? That you can say, well, if your kids are easy to get along with, then authoritative parenting works. Peaceful parenting works with peaceful children. Well, what if you have an aggressive child, right? It's all that, right?
[26:37] Okay, is it culture and so on, right? So I'm just going to go back up here. I want to see a couple of examples, right? So raising a child's self-esteem is interesting, and that's fine, but self-esteem has to be earned through, like, let's, sorry, let me just sort of make a thousand thoughts colliding as usual. So, if you were to say that it's important for children to feel good about their health, to feel positive about their health, right? To have health self-esteem rather than whatever healthy stuff is health-esteem, right? If you were to say to a child, it's super important that you feel good and positive about your health, right? Well, how would we do that? Well, we would tell the child to eat well and get their exercise and their sunlight and, you know, whatever, hydrate, whatever is going on. That's the latest five minutes of good health advice. And we would then, you know, make sure that the child was a healthy weight. We would make sure that the child had a good resting heart rate. We might do blood work on the child to make sure that everything was hunky-dory. So we would say, if you want to have a positive belief in your own health, then you need to pursue.
[28:04] Practices that promote good health. And then we need to measure the outcome to make sure that you have achieved good health, right? We wouldn't just say, you've got to feel good about your health and then just, yeah, you look great. And you know, you're so healthy and you got to believe that, right? We would, so self-esteem, I would say not raising a child's self-esteem. That's again, that's sort of a female thing that confidence is all right. But what I would say instead of raising a child's self-esteem is, is the child has achieved good moral standards. The child, so the child tells the truth, the child is willing to stand up for what is right, even in the face of significant opposition, the child has integrity and, and so on. Right. But all of this like pro-social and not hurting people's feelings and being nice and cooperative and all of that, none of that has anything to do with moral integrity or moral virtues. It's just about being nice and there being positive outcomes. Well, there are massive times, in fact, throughout most of human history when being moral has very negative outcomes. So if you're encouraging people to be nice and measuring their success by positive social outcomes, well, it's no measure of mental health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society, right, as the saying goes.
[29:33] So that's not good.
[29:36] It's peculiar to me, especially after the 20th century, that anyone would think that being approved of by those in authority is the mark of virtue. I mean, it's crazy to me. All right. All right. So let me just see here. So there were some links here. Positive parenting tips.
[30:00] Okay. Let's see here. Get inside your child's head. Kids might drive us crazy. Their behavior might seem irrational or unjustified. But that's the way things look on the outside. So the next time you see misbehavior, okay, and what is the definition of misbehavior? Right? So I'm, of course, because I think this is still this woman, right? Gwen, right? So what is the definition of misbehavior? Is the definition of misbehavior upsetting someone else? Well, that's not the definition of misbehavior, right? So this, again, misbehavior is not a moral, right? Misbehavior relative to what? Relative to what standard, right? So I'm looking for any kind of morals here. And also, how are you teaching your children to stand up for what is right in the face of opposition, right?
[30:54] Okay, so.
[30:57] Next time you see misbehavior, ask yourself, is the child tired, bored, craving attention? Is he feeling overwhelmed or threatened? Is she nursing a perceived injustice or facing a temptation she doesn't know how to resist? Okay, so my first question is, what is misbehavior and how do you know? I really dislike it as a whole. And I remember this when I was a kid. I'd be upset about something and I would obviously feel that it was very just and legitimate. And You know, I'm sure sometimes it was. And people would say, oh, he's just tired. That's really frustrating. You're just waving away the kid's feelings. Right?
[31:31] If I'm upset about something that I think is a moral wrong or a moral badness or something that's unfair and unjust, and someone leans in and kisses me on the head and says, oh, are you just feeling a little overwhelmed? It's like, oh, my God, how claustrophobic is that? All right. When in doubt, apply the golden rule. what does it really mean to be empathetic, supportive, constructive? It doesn't mean you have to agree that a child's demands are appropriate or reasonable. Okay. Appropriate to what? Reasonable relative to what? These are just words, right? We've got positive sounding words. Okay. It's important that things are appropriate and reasonable. What does that mean? It's literally like a nutritionist's entire book being like, but it's important to eat well in the way that serves health and gives you a glow to your skin and a spring in your step and has you sleep. Okay, but how? Give me some definitions.
[32:28] Nor does it mean that you fail to enforce limits, okay? Enforcing limits is making a child feel bad, upset, frustrated, unhappy, angry. So you can't say that it's really important to not upset others when, again, as I mentioned before, all right. Your objective is to be the kind of arbitrator and mentor you'd want for yourself. If you were a child, someone who's prepared to listen to your side of the story, and reassure you that you'll get a fair-minded and sympathetic hearing, Right, so this is all just, you know, fair-minded, sympathetic, encouragement, good humor, acceptable. What does this mean? What does any of this mean? It's just positive words. Magic fairy words.
[33:13] But sympathy, fairness, and diplomacy, blah, blah, blah. All right. For babies and toddlers, positive parenting often takes the form of distracting children from engaging in behavior that you don't like. So, again, back to the feelings. What is bad behavior? What is misbehavior? Right? Concrete examples, right? So it's all just a bunch of, uh, it's, um, it's thinking that the dictionary is the thing, right? Right. If your kid's hungry and you throw them the definition of a meal, right? Say, well, the definition of a meal is blah, blah, blah. Food assembled at a particular time of day to satisfy hunger, right? Do they get to eat that? No. If you show them a picture of food, do they get to eat that? No. So there's all just pictures of stuff. It's not the stuff itself. What is the stuff itself? Right?
[34:06] Use strategic humor and playfulness to motivate. Jokes and silliness can serve as excellent distractions, indispensable tools of diplomacy. You'll probably inspire more cooperation from your kids if you communicate requests with humor and transform work into play. When your child leaves her dirty laundry lying around, you could vent your irritation and scold him or her. But you'll likely get better results by making a game of it, encouraging your child to feed the dirty laundry hamper or play a game of toss the laundry into the basket. Well, how does that teach the child self-discipline if everything has to be a game and everything has to be fun, right?
[34:47] Then they're just going to assume that they don't have to do anything unless someone else works like crazy to make it a fun and enjoyable experience. Is that going to help them as adults, right? Make sure that most of your interactions are positive, even if that means ignoring some of your child's misbehavior. Again, what does that mean? What's the definition of misbehavior? Positive social interactions make for friendly, more trusting family relationships, and they motivate kids to be cooperative. Okay, should they cooperate with bad people? Should Should they cooperate with malevolent people? Should they cooperate with bullies? Should they, like, God, there's evil in the world. How are you preparing kids for that? All right. Even if your kid is struggling with behavior problems, what is a behavior problem, right?
[35:38] All right. Make sure your kids understand what's acceptable and what's not to take care, and take care to explain the reasons for rules. Okay, great. Good. We got some reasons for rules. I'd like to see some reasons for rules. We shouldn't expect kids to read our minds. Okay, that's kind of boring the obvious. Nor should we expect children to develop advanced moral reasoning skills, not if we don't share our own reason. Fantastic. So it's important to engage kids in genuine two-way conversations about our standards. The goal isn't just to recite a set of rules, but rather to explain the rationale for the rules and to address children's questions and concerns.
[36:13] Okay, so what are the rules? How are they defined? Is it just what you like and prefer and what doesn't embarrass you and what keeps the peace? And what are these rules? It's all just emotions, isn't it? Maybe I'm wrong. But I haven't seen anything yet, right? The trouble with no is that can infuel resentment and resistance. Parental criticism can also trigger feelings of hopelessness, making kids feel like they lack what it takes to improve. Find ways to say yes this all just seems like manipulation ignore this make a game uh minimize like don't focus on that find ways it's all just manipulating right but where are the moral rules here all right cash children are being good okay great let's uh i'm i'm giving up hope but i'm hoping over the next sand dune is an actual oasis of moral reasoning all right some people believe If it's wrong to praise or thank kids for staying on track, they feel that good behavior is something to be taken for granted, but the evidence goes strongly against this. Okay, so what is good behavior?
[37:16] When parents were instructed to offer simple praise for their children's good behavior, well done, the kids experienced fewer subsequent behavior problems. Okay, so what is good behavior? Other than getting along with everyone and not upsetting anyone, which is basically just being an invisible NPC, I don't know what is good behavior here. Okay, emotion coaching. We talked about that.
[37:40] Get your own emotional state under control before interacting with your child. Okay, let's try one more. Let's try one more. Aggression in children. Okay. Taming aggression. Okay. Aggression in children can take many forms. Angry tantrums, hitting, kicking, or biting, hot-headed outbursts that destroy property, cool-headed bullying, verbal attacks, attempts to control others through threats or violence. Fantastic. Okay, So if you raise your kids to not upset others, to be pro-social, right? Then other people will threaten them by being upset, right?
[38:13] Go to the teacher crying, you hurt me, hurt my feelings, right? And the female teachers are like, don't hurt her feelings. And the male teachers are like, deal with it, right? Okay. So there are bad children, right? So there are bad children, and this is right. Aggression in children can take many forms. So how are you going to teach your children when there are, quote, bad children around? Now, when I say bad children, I mean children with objectively bad behaviors, not that they're evil. They're just struggling with their own, how they're being raised, and I get all of that, right? But so this woman, Gwen, is saying, oh, look, look, look, wait, hang on, look, oh, look at that. We have, children can be very aggressive. So how are you teaching your children how to deal with aggressive children, right? Okay, what sets children off? In some cases, Kids lash out because they're frustrated by a problem that's too big for them. They haven't yet learned how to control their impulses or work out conflicts in socially acceptable ways.
[39:19] Special difficulties, stressful life events, emotional regulation problems, attention deficit, autistic symptoms, or hyperactivity. What about the abused children who are dangerous and violent towards your children? Yet in all cases, even where children have been diagnosed with serious conduct disorders, adults can have a powerful influence. Okay. Humans aren't born with programming that compels them to respond to the world with hostility. We all have the capacity to behave aggressively. Whether or not we do it depends on how we perceive the world. Okay. Aggressive tendencies are shaped by environmental conditions. Okay. Fine. This doesn't mean that it's your fault if your child is acting out. What? Aggressive tendencies are shaped by environmental conditions. So parents are the biggest environmental condition that children experience, right? So, you are the biggest factor in your child's environment, but it doesn't mean it's your fault if your child is acting out. Oh, genetic factors. So, aggressive tendencies are shaped. So, what? We're not born with programming that compels them to respond to the world with hostility, but genetic factors put some children at higher risk for trouble.
[40:32] Aggression in children is influenced by environmental factors, forces outside the home. Oh, yes, but those environmental forces are all chosen by parents, right? You don't have to send your kids to a bad school. You don't have to have your kids around bad teachers. You can move your kids to a different neighborhood. You control the media your kids are exposed to. So, yeah, I don't, right? Okay. Aggressive kids change trajectory when parents get practical training and moral support. Ooh, morality. Oh, look at that. We found morality. Let's get there. The interventions work in part because parents learn specific tactics for handling aggression. Learn to change. Parents learn to change their outlook. Ah, okay, so you see, it's not your fault if your child is acting out.
[41:18] However, interventions work when parents learn to change their outlook. So then it must be your responsibility, right? All right. Struggling with a child's behavior problems is stressful and demoralizing. It saps your resilience, your sense of optimism, competence, and goodwill. It can redefine the parent-child relationship in a destructive way and prompt you to think about your child in ways that undermine your ability to cope. Right, let's make it about the mom. That's a mom thing, right? Okay. Counterproductive thoughts fuel the conflict to make the behavior problems worse. Right, so it is, right? All right. Replace these toxic mental habits with positive, constructive, problem-solving thoughts. Yay, positive language. Nice words. What does it mean? Okay. Okay, evidence. Okay, don't take it personally. When your child fails to comply with the request, it's easy to feel disrespected. It's easy to feel targeted when your child flies into a rage. But these emotional reactions, however natural, are wrong-headed.
[42:17] Okay, so your emotional reactions are natural, right? But back here, we say aggressive tendencies are shaped by environmental conditions. Humans aren't born with programming that compels them to respond to the world with hostility. And yet, these emotional reactions are natural. So wait, are emotional reactions natural? In other words, built in or baked in? Are they genetic for some? Are they entirely environmental? None of it makes any sense. All right. But of course, she has to deal with aggressive parents, so she has to tell them it's not their fault, so they'll keep reading and not get angry, right? So it's just kind of manipulation. I just think it's better to be blunt, but that's a bit of a dude thing, right? Okay, I don't understand their feelings. I get that.
[43:04] Reminding yourself not to take it personally isn't just good for your mood, it's good for your relationship, but maybe it is personal, right? So if you ask your child to do something reasonable and they ignore you, then it is personal because they're not listening to you and respecting what you have to say. They're not negotiating with you, they're communicating with you, so they're upset with you about something. So maybe you should take it personally. All right. Get realistic expectations about your child's ability. Okay, so realistic expectations, really important, but what are realistic expectations? Focus on maintaining a positive relationship. That's manipulation. All right. Okay. Sorry. I'm going to do one more. I don't think we're going to get something, but this is all about the feels. What? Oh, did we do this one? Evidence-based tips.
[43:57] In some families, keeping the peace is a relatively easy job. Yes, keeping the peace, right? That's what it's all about. Cooperative, upbeat, cheerfully involved. It's harder when kids show disruptive, find our aggressive tendencies. So disruptive, maybe things should be disrupted, right? And of course, why does the mother, if this is, I assume, this is written from arms, because dads won't take any of this with any seriousness, honestly. This is written from arms. So how about, what if your kid is right about you? What if your kid is right about you? What if you do have dysfunctions? What if maybe you shouldn't have divorced the dad? What if you've been through a brutal divorce? What if you're mean and petty and naggy? What if you take things too personally and it's all about you? What if you have narcissistic tendencies? What if you're selfish? What if you're aggressive? What if you're manipulative? What if you're, right? Maybe your child, I'd love to see one of these. Why don't you listen to your child? Maybe your child is right. Lord knows my daughter can be very right about me for sure. All right.
[44:58] Blah blah blah what's the remedy okay choose your battles oh that's helpful, okay all right enforce the strictest limits on aggressive antisocial there it is again antisocial all progress is made by antisocial people right all progress is made by antisocial people, right? It's not like all, not all antisocial people, um, create progress, but all progress is made by anti, like, you know, you have to, you have to look at the whole world and say, you're all wrong, right? Acts that cause damage, hurt feelings, or physical injury. Now, of course, physical injury is bad for sure. Cause damage, bad, hurt feelings, right? So this is, this is where women live as a whole. Causing damage, physical injury, and hurt feelings are all on the same, all in the same category. It's crazy. So don't take things personally, but hurt feelings are antisocial behavior. Crazy.
[45:57] Uh, address other types of misbehavior, tipping the balance, keeping balance. Okay. Uh, help the kids develop socio-emotional skills and steer kids away from situations that overtax their current abilities. Yeah. Um, yes, kids, uh, right. State your expectations clearly and calmly and put the emphasis on positive choices rather than prohibitions. So maybe this works more with daughters, but boys want to have conflicts and be good, right? We are a lot of, like, what do kids play? Boys, right? They play war, they play combat, they play trucks ramming into each other. Boys want to fight the good fight and have integrity, right? I understand why kids push back. Developmental inability to control impulses, right? So, if your children disagree with you and you immediately say, oh, they're taxed, they're overtaxed, they're overwhelmed, they've taken on a task too big for them, they're tired, they're cranky. They have memory troubles. They're too young to handle emotions. Maybe they're right. Maybe you are being a bit of a jerk. It's certainly possible for parents. I know I can tell you this for myself, right? Reinforce self-control and pro-social behavior by playing developmentally appropriate games.
[47:13] Yeah, all right. That's right. Yeah, yeah. A couple of rounds of Simon says, and you've fixed all the dysfunction in the family. Yeah, sleep, blah, blah, blah. Look after yourself. That's right. It's hard to stay calm and collective when your child is throwing a tantrum. All right. Where did the kid learn the tantrum from? Remember, see, where do kids learn how to do tantrums? Because she earlier says it's not, it's not, then it's not built in. It's not baked in. It's not part of human nature to have tantrums and aggressions. So where are they learning it from? Positive sibling relationships, revise their negative assumptions. Oh, magical thinking, right? She's not angry at you. She's just having a bad day. He didn't mean to hurt you. He was just play fighting. Right, so gaslight yourself, right? Just gaslight yourself and it'll be fine, right? Okay, I, oh, moral disengagement. Oh, the word morality. Okay, we often think of antisocial behavior as a symptom of diminished empathy. How about virtue? Is virtue any moral standards, achieving moral standards, telling the truth, even if it hurts other people's feelings, being honest, being direct, right? Not manipulating. None of this is there, right?
[48:23] Many acts of aggression are committed by people with good empathetic abilities and social skills. And again, you got the unholy trinity, right? Two fine, one bad, one snuck in, right? So the two that are, yes, you, child, should not damage physical objects in anger and should not cause physical injury, but then you throw in hurt feelings and you're doomed, right? Because again, if you tell children not to hurt other people's feelings, they'll simply be and be manipulated and controlled by other people who pretend to be upset.
[48:54] Okay, so people who have good empathetic abilities and social skills, they're aggressive. They're aggression, right? So people with good empathetic abilities and social skills sometimes hurt others. Feelings, well, that's me, right? I've got good empathy skills and social skills, and I cause upset to others. But that's an act of aggression, right? They've convinced themselves that their behavior isn't wrong. The end justifies the means. I was just following orders. It's not a big deal. They brought this in themselves they aren't like us they don't feel okay so uh what about if uh the person who whose feelings you're hurting uh is is doing wrong is and or what if the person whose feelings you're quote hurting is only pretending to have hurt feelings in order to get social sympathy and get you de-platformed right none of this right okay so i think uh.
[49:53] I think we are. I think we're done. But yeah, so, I mean, it's all just a bunch of positive adjectives and it's all just a bunch of, in my view, you know, just sort of gaslighting manipulation, and, you know, pro-social behavior and never hurt anyone else's feelings and so on. This is all claustrophobic and it doesn't promote virtue. All it does is promote compliance and susceptibility to manipulation. And you send people, you send kids out in the world, you send kids out in the world saying that you can't upset anyone. They're just going to get pushed around from here to Kingdom Come it is not good in my view alright, hope this helps thank you for your interest in the show freedomain.com to help out the show lots of love, bye.
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