[0:00] Good evening, good evening, 24th of January, 2024.
And I don't like it when I buy something to help me maintain my system and it keeps popping up asking me to extend my time.
Don't give me your ads when I've already paid for the product.
By the way, freedomain.com slash donate if you'd like to help out the show.
He said, hypocritically.
But the ads here are nothing.
Nothing. All right, let me get to your questions. Of course, I have topics, but I'm here for you.
Hello from Idaho. Ah, now I want a potato.
Of course, stoked to be at the greatest discussion happening in the world right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[0:47] Question. If I believe I have no value to offer other people, I'm wondering, could you offer some insight into why I believe, think, and feel this way about myself?
Self also i'd like to know why i'm struggling so much to be curious and find an answer, to these thoughts and feelings as well thank you in advance i read that about as badly as a human being could read anything sorry about that let me uh let me try that again uh and and don't be stilted all right sorry it just it kept scrolling question if i believe i have no value to offer for other people.
I'm wondering, could you offer some insight into why I believe, think, and feel this way about myself?
Also, I'd like to know why I'm struggling so much to be curious and find an answer to these thoughts and feelings as well. Thank you in advance.
All right. That's a good question. I appreciate that.
You look good, Steph. You are as I remember you to be. Well, that's good.
I aim to change as little as humanly possible, and nature has endowed me with a haircut that It totally aids in that.
Thank you, Parallax, for your question, dealing with anxiety and fear.
Well, I will tell you a little bit about the call that I had today.
Really one of the saddest call-ins. You know, normally it takes a while for me to make people cry in a call-in.
This lady started off sobbing, and it just went, it went from there.
It went from there. Holy crap.
[2:14] Right.
Hit me with a Y if you have questions or doubts about the value you offer to others.
[2:28] Hit me with a Y if you have doubts about the value you offer to others now this could be at two levels one you don't feel like you have value to offer or two you feel you have value to offer but other people don't see it, Now this way I can gauge how much time to spend On the topic Alright We got some people We got some folks Hi Dan, We got some folks. All right. I sympathize. I understand.
And I can fix it.
I can fix it. With castor oil, one leg of the Michelin man, and a spork.
Wait, that's the wrong order. Hang on.
No, no, that's the right order. That is the right order. All right.
You're dealing with the first one, not the second one. You're just feeling like you don't have value to offer, right?
All right. So, Monsieur Fromage Homme, Mr. Cheddar Man.
[3:47] Did your parents take delight and or happiness in your existence when you were little?
Did your parents take delight and or happiness in your existence when you were a wee bairn knee-high to a grasshopper?
[4:12] Yes or no?
Or, to put it another way, if you're still considering the question, let me sort of gauge the audience here.
Minus 10, they hated your existence. Plus 10, they loved you to death.
How did your parents perceive you? How did they interact with you?
How did they deal with you? Minus 10, they hated your existence.
Plus 10, they loved you to death.
I mean, I know it oscillates, but overall in general, if you had to put a number to it, what number would you put to it?
Plus 8, that's nice. 8-ish, that's good. That's very nice. Nice to hear.
Plus 8, so very positive. Very good. 5, nice.
Minus 3, minus 5, minus 8.
I think my mom would switch sometimes from minus 8 to plus 8, which is why I have such a stable personality base.
Oh, 0, so complete indifference. They didn't even dislike you. Minus 3, 0.
Right.
[5:37] So, Chatterman, you, I imagine, are in the grip of one of the most demonic sentences the world knows.
One of the most demonic sentences the world has. and is the root of most of the suffering in the world.
He says, for me, when my parents divorced, it seemed like they pretended to like me. Well, they may have been vying for custody or support or something like that.
I will tell you.
[6:15] The most fatal sentence to come out of a bad childhood.
It i mean we're we're just starting right right down at the bottom here and going further down there's no foreplay here i'm not taking to a movie i'm not buying you a card that when you open it out fly little papier-mâché butterflies we're just going um straight deep straight deep no loop it's just the way the show has started i'm not going to fight the momentum of the audience so.
[6:48] The most fatal sentence of a bad childhood goes a little something like this, and you can tell me if it makes sense to you. And the sentence is, well, if my own parents didn't like me, who could? Who would?
If my own mother seemed to dislike me, who could ever love me?
If even those who brought me to life did not enjoy or appreciate my existence, who ever could?
Does this ring a bell? Does this strike a chord?
Hit me with a Y. if this has done more than cross your mind over the years.
[7:57] Just wanted to give a little check here. Yeah.
It does, right? But if my own flesh and blood don't like me, whoever could if I can't even get a smile from my mom, whoever is going to be happy that I walk into the room, hello sorry, I don't mean to mock it but it's totally mock worthy sorry, it is totally mock worthy.
[8:34] First of all, of course I'm very sorry that you had these experiences as a child, I'm very sorry that people didn't take delight in your existence I'm sorry, I'm sad about all of that and you have my sympathies but stop it, I mean honestly I know stopping it doesn't help I'll tell you how to stop it like real simple real quick now let me ask you this do you want me to talk about me or talk about you I'm happy to talk about you obviously it's a little bit more theoretical I'm happy to talk about me, just say y or m do you want me to talk about me or you what's going to be the best approach.
[9:29] Me all right, yeah okay so um the sentence of course you know when you have your parents openly say that they hate your freaking guts which my mom did and my father was largely indifferent but when, when you hear your mom scream in the middle of the night i hate these effing kids you know So that's, it gives you pause, but the defense against that is ridiculously simple, and once I point it out, you'll kick yourself. Sorry, you just will. You just will.
So neglect is one of the worst forms of child abuse. As you know, I put the hierarchy, the worst is sexual abuse, the next worst is neglect, and the next worst is emotional abuse, and the next worst is physical abuse.
[10:27] So, if my mother hates me, let's say, and she did at times, and there were times where she was like, oh, you're the greatest, you're the greatest.
But if my, let's say, at the times where my mother hates me, the basic sentence in my head was this, oh no, a child abuser dislikes me.
Oh no, an evildoer doth think of me negatively.
Oh no, an immoral person has a negative view of me.
Whatever will I do?
And I thought of being a cop. You know, I thought of myself as a cop, right? I thought of myself as a cop. A copper, as they would say in England, with his trusty nightstick.
If you are a policeman do you want the criminal let's say you're just an honest and fair policeman do you want the criminals to dislike you, do you want the criminals to have a negative opinion of you.
[11:45] Of course you do I mean to ask the question is to answer it Now, if you're a policeman and you have a desperate desire for the criminals to like you, don't you suck as a policeman?
Listen, I'd like to arrest that guy. I did just see him beat up that granny, but, you know, I don't want him to have a negative view of me. It doesn't matter.
What do you mean it doesn't matter?
What are you talking about? As a policeman, it doesn't matter whether the criminals like you or not. What are you talking about?
Ah, yes, my lady says. I thought the same many years back. If these two effers don't agree or like me, I'm doing something right.
A fraudulent policeman. I think I talked about an honorable, decent policeman.
So don't muck things up. Don't cloud it up.
[12:54] If you are a criminal investigator, well, and you're good at it and you're effective, well, the people you're investigating that you catch like you or dislike you.
[13:19] People who abuse children don't like you.
Good. Good. Thank heavens.
Because if the people who abuse children like you, that's really bad.
That's really bad.
The hatred of evildoers is central to the guidance of virtue.
Maybe respect you, but hate you. I don't know what respect...
The word respect is doing a lot of heavy contradictory lifting in that sentence.
No, they'll hate you.
You catch criminals, you throw them in jail. Of course the criminals hate you.
[14:39] Evil child abusers don't like you.
Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. So really throw this into stark relief.
If you had evil parents, immoral parents, destructive, abusive parents, whatever you want to have, negative, harmful parents.
And this is a real question. I really want you to answer this.
If you had negative, destructive parents. I really want you to answer this.
If you had negative, destructive parents, Parents, what would you have to do to have them like you?
What would you have to do to have them like you?
If they don't like you, obviously you're doing something negative to them or negative in their experience.
So what behavior would you change in order to have your parents, if they're negative or destructive, in order to have your parents like you?
What would you have to change?
You'd have to lie, yeah you'd have to pretend that that which is evil is good and that which is good is evil you'd have to pretend to love and respect people who harmed and abused you.
[16:07] You'd have to collude with them. You'd have to appease them.
Self-erasure, but it wouldn't work. No, it's not self-erasure.
You'd have to go the other direction.
You'd have to fulfill more of their requests, serve them more, conform and erase any of my own thoughts, but go the other way for them to like you.
No, not conform. Not conform.
Go along with their bullshit and treat my children the same as they did me. Right.
To have abusive people, quote, like you, it is not enough to conform. You must also become.
[16:49] Yeah, you got it, Sir Pantel. Be like them. If they drink or do drugs, join them. If they think abusing kids is good, you need to think that as well.
Call it discipline. Yeah.
So we all know how to get evildoers to like us.
Just do evil. Join the gang, right? join the gang.
If the policeman, instead of prosecuting the crime gang, the policeman joins the crime gang, they like him.
Especially if he stays on the police force, right? Misdirects all of the investigations, loses the evidence, intimidates the witnesses, lies.
Bears false witness. They love the guy. they left a policeman who joins them particularly if he does it surreptitiously.
[17:46] See the funny thing is is that you all seem to be in hot pursuit of immoral parents love or approval or positive regard, which is a satanic bargain because Because if you got what you say you want, you'd be evil.
I just want my evil mother to love me. Oh, she'll love you. But you got to be evil. I just want to be evil.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh. But you understand, God help you if you get what you want.
God help you if you get what you say you want.
That would be a complete and total disaster for your soul. for your children, for your family, for your life.
[18:41] They also love it if you, quote, forget their bad behavior and put up with it because they are family. No, they don't love it. They don't love it.
If you just forget and pretend something didn't happen, there's relative peace, but there isn't love.
There's an uneasy alliance of unreality, but there isn't positive regard.
[19:07] Like the guy who's running away from the bank, robbery. He's very happy if you don't call the police, but he's even happier if you drive him away.
If you're the getaway driver, right?
In the ever loving levels of Hades, would you want the approval of evildoers?
Why would you want evildoers to love you?
That would be a death, strangle, hyoid bone breaking chokehold on your very soul.
If only I could get the good opinions of evil people, I'd be happy.
Sorry again, I don't mean to laugh, but you see what I'm saying?
The fuck do you want? Bad people to like you.
I really feel that I've cultivated a lot of hatred from a lot of bad people over the years, and I stand above it like a Minecraft farmer of infinity. Hmm.
Smell the crops. Smell the manure, the fertilizer, the fertility.
We will make it through a multi-generational winter with all these crops.
[20:20] You'd have to say it was good for you. When I did wrong, my parents whooped my ass and I learned.
Yeah, they'll like you. They'll like you if you praise their evil, but they'll love you if you recreate it, reproduce it with your own kids.
Right? Because that's their final corruption, right?
Dave says, my family would require me to submit and to be upset on demand so they could soak in my misery. That is not on my agenda.
And if my family liked me, I'd be really worried. They're super selfish and emotionally abusive, don't need that chance.
This is one of the best lessons I learned from your call-ins a few years ago.
Thank you for that. You're welcome.
[21:01] I mean, look, the communists hate me, obviously, right? The communists hate me.
But when you talk about the hundred million dead from communism, they're like, well, but my capitalism.
Well that number is just too high oh really so 80 million 90 million but 100 million that's right so they've got they've got two fucking things in their sights right two things that they're looking at a hundred million innocent murdered slaughtered tortured people, Or my podcast.
Oh no. See, I'm watching you think. A pile of bodies so high they block out three quarters of the sky.
Women, children, pregnant women, innocent men.
Hulled away from their families. Thrown in boxcars. Starved, beaten, whipped, tortured, raped, abused, sodomized.
Hundred million bodies.
[22:07] Or Steph's little podcast.
I don't even know what to say.
I don't even know what to say.
[22:26] Marx was into Satan. Yeah. Wrote poems praising Satan. Sure.
The guy literally worshipped the father of lies. And then people say, well, I'm sure what he said was true, though.
My moral ideal is the father of lies. Now, I'm going to tell you nothing but the truth.
A hundred million bodies, that we know of. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
For sure. And that's just the bodies. Doesn't count the mutilations.
Doesn't count the stillbirths from stress. It doesn't count the wrecked and destroyed lives. I mean, gosh, imagine.
Imagine you're born in 1917 and then you die in the early 80s and your whole lifespan is communism in Russia.
Your sadism series is fantastic. Can't wait to hear what you have to say next about it. I'm sorry about that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're having such a positive experience of my sadism series. I really feel like I'm not achieving my goal then.
Maybe the next one will just be me saying I like traffic lights over and over again. Build up your expectations, then cruelly disappoint you.
Well, actually, I'm glad you're enjoying it. I think it's great, too. I just did part five today. Part five today.
[23:50] So don't be in a position of helpless victim. him. Well, everybody's got to just like me. Everybody's got to like me.
You judge those who judge you first. Like, your judgment has to come first.
The people who judge you as negative, as destructive, as bad, as whatever, right? So...
[24:20] Never let anyone judge you without judging them first.
Foundational. Now, as a kid, you don't really have that choice, right? But as an adult, you do.
I mean, there are lots of moral tests in the world, right?
And one of the moral tests is if you vigorously defend the slaughter of 100 million people, But mindlessly attack the advocate for peaceful parenting, you are utterly corrupt beyond that which language can encompass.
Like you're utterly corrupt beyond that which language could conceivably encompass.
[25:10] You judge those who judge you. Can you imagine what a horror show it would be if my mother genuinely understood and approved of what I was doing.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
You know, if you've got a lump on your body, you want to find out if it's a muscle or cancer. Right, muscle good, I assume. Cancer bad.
[25:47] What are your thoughts and opinions on President Millet?
Capitalists are boob guys, he seems to be one, and socialists are ass guys.
That seems to be a kind of common pattern.
So my thoughts and opinions, very passionate guy, very intelligent guy, very committed guy, a great showman, and we'll see.
I don't mean to make this about me, but months and months and months ago, actually over a year ago, I predicted that there would be a freedom portal would open up somewhere in the world to try and bring people of the Pareto principle productivity people to a particular country.
Uh, you know, obviously I wish him, uh, I wish him the best.
I wish him the best. He certainly has achieved more in, uh, a month or two than Trump did in four years, but I don't know what level of opposition he's facing from within the country.
[26:44] He's strangely not being attacked in general i mean of course the world economic forum is going after him a libertarian is our enemy and all that he could use a better hairdresser oh come on, come on loudmouth guy with a funny haircut that's a that's a template man that's a template because when you have an outlandish appearance people will take what you're saying less seriously and and they'll think that your appearance will discredit you because you judge things by appearance, not by content.
And so his sideburns and, is that a wig? It looks like a wig.
I don't know. His outlandish appearance and his outlandish speech is designed to have people not take him seriously, so that he can do the job.
Right so that's i i wouldn't change a thing about what he's doing.
[27:42] You want people to look at him and see a buffoon and a clown so that he can do his work, so they can just roll their eyes and dismiss him it's always just this crazy south american huckster and you know he's like a used car salesman from hell and ha ha ha he's such a right boom like just yeah absolutely you don't you don't want to look like pinnacle you want to to look like a clown and uh no i i don't agree with would get a better hairdresser no that's not an accident i'm not saying it's conscious but it's certainly not an accident, i can't get that kind of like i just can't look that kind of way so uh people take me, uh seriously sometimes too seriously in a sense whether they like it or not just based upon my appearance but he can oh yeah no he's uh it's not an accident it's not an accident Thank you for listening.
Whereas, you know, you see someone like who looks traditionally sort of Western and conservative, like an icon, like like Ronald Reagan.
And then so many of the terrible things that have happened in America can be traced right back to the executive and Governor Penn of Reagan.
Will you do a truth about masochism?
[29:05] I think I'm talking about it wound into the sadism presentations a friend told me a woman a single mother who played with us at the gym, mocked me and bad mouthed me for something I said about looking for a virtuous woman as my future wife I answered good I'm glad she dislikes me yeah, yeah, i have long said to people who are criticizing this show like if they're full of hatred for for what science facts reason evidence truth peaceful parenting like what what right so if people find themselves full of visceral hatred for me which i don't take personally uh there's i take it about out as personally as watching a bird attack a mirror.
Oh no, it's pecking my eyes out. No, they're just pecking.
It's not me, right? It's their own moral potential that they're trying to destroy, not me, right?
So I've always said from the beginning of this show, if you really hate this show, if you really hate what I'm saying, if you really hate me, for whatever that means, if you really hate me, please, please, please tell your friends. Tell your friends how terrible I am.
Tell your friends to stay away from me. Spread as far and wide as you can, how terrible I am, because I don't want you or your friends or anyone who takes you seriously anywhere near this conversation.
[30:34] And I don't want people full of hate listening to philosophy, right?
So, yeah, it's...
[30:44] You absolutely want to keep negative people, destructive people, bad people away.
And it's funny now how this has just become such a commonplace.
Boy, it sure wasn't when I started. And of course, like most people who carve new grounds, all you get is arrows in your back, and nobody credits you when all is done right so but now every time i'm looking on social media it's always like well you got to get negative toxic people out of your life well it doesn't matter who they are if they're negative destructive toxic abusive you got to get them out of your life in order to get your own potential going you got to get them out like when i first said this people thought it was like the second coming of the hornet one the great hornet toad but now it's It's just kind of taken for granted and you don't get any credit and right.
So how about Klaus Schwab's wardrobe?
[31:37] Dr. Evil is, is being pretty obvious. He's been pretty obvious.
Like, you know, that there's like evil doers have a thing where if they're pretty obvious about what they do, then it's on you.
Right. It's pretty obvious. like it's like then then like if if you if you hire some prostitute to come over and, beat you that's on you right i mean obviously it's not great and all of that but it's not a violation of the non-aggression principle because she says i'm a dominatrix for 100 bucks i'll come over and beat you and then you pay 100 bucks she comes over and beats you that's kind of on you right so if you know what you're getting into if things are obvious and clear then it's kind of on you.
I mean, it's the old question. If someone says to you, I'm going to defraud you, give me your money.
I'm going to defraud you. They say that right up front here, give me your money. I'm going to defraud you.
Otherwise known as altruistic capitalism, Bankman freed.
Like if somebody says to you, not that he did, but if somebody says to you, give me your money, I'm going to defraud you and you give them your money.
Have they defrauded you?
[32:55] It's hard to argue that they have, right?
It's hard to argue that they have. So if people say, you know, we want you to live in pods and eat bugs and we're going to take control of your sovereignty and all of that, and you're like, yeah, okay.
Have they done evil unto you if they say, hey, we're going to do this to you, and you're like, yeah, sounds good.
Sure, yeah, sure. Sure. Crunchy Cricket Legs sounds like about the greatest meal on the planet.
Fraud, well, I think fraud does require a kind of dishonesty, right?
Otherwise, it's just, if somebody says, give me your money, I'm going to cheat you and rip you off and never give you your money back, and then you give that person your money, then it's just a kind of masochism that you're going through, right?
You can't claim to be ignorant, and you really can't claim to be cheated.
Somebody says, I'm going to cheat you. And you're saying, yeah, go ahead. Have you been cheated? Not really.
Not really.
[34:02] So, I mean, I love those guys for being so upfront.
I love those guys for being so upfront.
[34:14] Don't love those guys. Don't love those guys. But as far as their upfrontedness, all right so as far as providing value right so make sure i got the guy's question if i believe i have no value to offer other people i'm wondering could you offer some insight into why i believe yeah so if you're raised by evildoers the last thing you ever want to do is offer value, to evildoers right.
[34:51] So if you're raised by evildoers, the last thing, so the evildoers, you don't want to add value to them, and that's how you keep your soul, right?
How do you keep your soul when raised by evildoers? You don't join them in their evildoing, which means they're going to dislike you. That's how you keep yours. That's a mark of honor.
Now, of course, they will try and implant in you the idea that if we don't find value in you, nobody will. will.
We don't find value in you. Nobody will.
Well, of course, they don't know what good people have in terms of value preferences because they're evildoers.
So they're just saying, it's just a curse on you.
It's a curse on you, basically to saying, like you're in the desert it and the water tastes like shit and then people say well yes but if you try and go across the desert you'll just die so you just have to put up with the shit water because it's the only water there is i say nobody's going to find value in you it's just a way of saying well you have to stick around with me because i'm i'm the only water there is around.
[36:14] You know like uh it's like the abusive boyfriend right the abusive boyfriend or girlfriend who says well if you break up with me you'll never be loved i'm the only chance you've got everywhere you go like you know this thing that people say well everywhere you go there you are and and if you if you run out of this relationship you're just going to run into another relationship with exactly the same problems you're the common denominator in all these bad relationships and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just a curse.
Saying, put out with shit water because everything else is desert.
Put out with brackish shit water because everything else is desert.
And of course I heard this, not in that brutal a fashion, but I heard this when I was younger, like, oh, just walk away.
Just walk away like you always do. Just walk away from these problems.
Imagine that when you go, oh, you're going to go to some other relationship and it's got no problems. It's like, actually, yeah, that is kind of what happened.
It's kind of what happened it's just a way people like when they say you'll never do better than me they're saying, I'm never going.
[37:21] To bother to improve I'm never going to bother all I'm going to do is chip away at your standards rather than raise my own behavior I have been told I'm the only one who could tolerate you, oof Yeah, that's cold, man. That's cold. That's cold.
[37:44] But verbal assholes are everywhere, right? I mean, verbal assholes are everywhere.
Nobody else will put up with you. Yeah, who else is going to put up with all your crap? Who else is going to put up with you? No one. It's me or nothing.
Yeah, so rather than improve your own behavior, you simply break down somebody else's standards, right?
Rather than come up with a better menu as a restaurant. You just burn down all the other menus in the neighborhood.
[38:16] Yeah, you're my charity case.
I mean, I talked to a woman today.
Her husband wanted kids for four years. They tried to have kids.
She finally had a kid, and he wouldn't touch her. And he said, I don't enjoy sleeping with women whose vaginas have been loosened up by childbirth. And that was it.
Yeah, I'm the best boss you will ever have, my father. Yeah, nobody else will put up with you, right?
Oh, it's terrible. It's terrible.
It's terrible stuff.
It's terrible stuff.
Yeah, I think you keep... I've talked about the migrant crisis before, and I don't have any particular desire to do that again.
All right, I spent decades begging for crumbs, problems neglect from family and no attention or connection from my ex-wife and so many friends of the similar dynamics i pushed them all out of my life things are better yeah.
[39:38] Nobody else will put up with you then the question is of course course, why are you putting up with me? If I'm so terrible, why are you putting up with me?
Oh, I guess I have a soft spot for you. I guess I have some like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like terrible, just terrible.
[40:02] It's, um, interesting. Of course, then, then, then never did find the, They never did find the transmissible animal for COVID, did they?
The pangolin in the wet market.
Remember, I predicted this three years ago or something.
That they weren't going to find the crossover animal. And they never did. They never did.
Oh, Lord, it's so hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way.
All right.
Do you think there'd be a World War III? No, I don't think so. I don't think so.
Arguably, it could be even worse. It could be even worse. All right.
There's another question here that I wanted to get to. Any suggestions on dealing with anxiety and fear? year.
Owning a business, the stress of meeting payroll and other business concerns as well as raising and being involved with children.
[41:16] Is, okay, well, let me ask you this, right? Let me just get the right person's name here.
Wait. Oh, no, he didn't tip. Okay. Well, well, how long has your business been running? That's the first question that I have.
How long has your business been running?
[42:01] If you're still around, if you're still around.
[42:13] 17 years?
No.
Your business has been running for 17 years and you still are worried about meeting payroll?
What?
Why? That blows. that bloweth and sucketh simultaneously it is a vortex, 17 years and you're still struggling to meet payroll no come on man what are you talking about I'm sorry to put it this way but how bad are you at business that after 17 years you're still struggling to meet payroll, how bad is the business how bad is the environment or how bad are you at it, divorce Divorce. All right. I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Now you got payroll, other business concerns, raising, being involved with children, divorce.
Just throwing all this shit at me, man. I don't know what to say about any of this.
But, oh my God.
[43:33] If you're not succeeding early, why would you keep doing it?
Again, I'm sort of trying to understand. 17 years and you're still not meeting payroll?
Holy crap. That's terrible. That's terrible.
I have serious concerns about this business.
[43:56] Serious concerns about this business.
I mean also I assume you had this business long before you had kids so okay let me give you business advice 101 I've started a bunch of businesses and business was compromised following divorce I don't know I don't know I don't know what he's saying at what point would you have have cut your losses, Steph?
Man, you kidding me?
Long before 17 years. So here's the thing.
So I've started a couple of businesses over the course of my life.
They've all been successful and they're all still running.
I haven't been involved in many of them for many years, but they're all still running.
Now, you have a business, you love the business, and what do you do at the the beginning what do you do when you're starting your business what do you do when you care about your business and you care about it you love it it's your dream job your passion project, how long how much how deep how hard do you work at the beginning.
[45:16] What do you do at the beginning of a business?
[45:34] I don't know, sell, save, invest, insurance? I don't know. Well, you all take it too long to type.
So what you do is you work like a madman. You work like a madman.
I mean, let me tell you about my day, right? So this business has been running 18 years, right?
So today I got up and I did the truth about sadism part five.
And then I gave it to the researcher to listen to, and then I processed it and it's all ready to go.
And then I had lunch with my family and then I did a call-in show with a woman whose daughter is self-harming.
And then chatted with my family, had dinner with my family, watched a little bit of a show and now I'm doing this show.
So this is my third show today.
I've never started a business, but I'd work nonstop. I'd think about it all the damn time. Yeah, absolutely.
You work insanely hard when you first get it. I mean, I'm still working pretty hard.
[46:54] And you do that so you find out if the business is viable. Right?
You do that to find out if the business is viable.
[47:04] So if the business is viable with you working 80 hours a week or whatever you're doing if the business is viable with you wording eight working 80 hours a week then you've proven that the business is viable and then you start to outsource what needs to be done so that you can focus on your core competencies you can outsource stuff and then you just keep outsourcing as the business keeps growing now you may have a stall down in the business there may be a plateau in the business you know, lockdowns or whatever, some recession, but, and then you have to cut back on your payroll, but you work like crazy to find out if anyone's going to buy anything from you, right?
I still remember the first donation I ever got, 10 bucks.
Holy damn, future opens up, 10 bucks. If I can make 10 bucks, I can make more, right? So you just, you work like crazy.
You try and provide as much value as humanly possible and you make payroll.
Well, first of all, you don't have a payroll because it's just you, right? But then you start making payroll.
Right? So you break your ass.
And then you know that the business is viable.
It's just a matter of how much work are you going to put into it.
Now, if it's more work than you can do, then you hire people to do the work for you or do offload some part of your work, this kind of stuff, right?
I mean, how many business people do their own taxes, right?
[48:28] So, and the reason you work your 80 hours a week is so that you don't look back with regret and you say, well, I shouldn't have played that video game or I shouldn't have watched all those movies or I shouldn't have, I don't know, learned how to crochet. Like I should have just, because you throw everything.
Now, if you throw everything into your business and it doesn't work, then you don't have any regrets. It's like, well, it's the wrong business model, the wrong time, the wrong idea, the wrong argument, couldn't provide enough value, whatever it is, right? Whatever it is.
Dave says all businesses require lots of up front and beginning energy you earn your money way before you get paid it has to be driven hard to get it up and running, yeah of course businesses can get to cruise control but there's a lot of uphill pedaling that starts off that way.
[49:26] So the idea that you have, and the worst, I tell you, the worst kind of business is, to me, the worst kind of business is, so I want you to think of a plane and a runway, right?
Now, if you take off, great. If, for whatever reason, you're too overloaded and you just can't clear any air, you just don't, you just stop, right?
But here's the problem. Here's where you're going to crash, is when the airplane is like, it's kind of up, and then it's kind of up, and I think I can clear those trees, that's when you're in danger, right? If you take off, fine, you're good.
If you don't take off, you just can't get off the ground, you turn the engines off and you go back and whatever it is, right?
But it's the start, stop, the maybe, maybe, and this is the same thing with relationships as well, right?
Steph, when you started your business, did you already have a client, or did you start and then look for clients?
I didn't have any clients when I started this show I didn't have any income when I started this show and there was no real path to income when I started this show way back in the day because there was no ad infrastructure and online payment processes were only getting started so there was no path to profitability, in the software world yes, I had a client I worked like crazy and then got another client and then worked like crazy got some investment and then got offices and just, we were away to the races.
[50:54] And then it felt like before we knew it, we were doing millions and millions of dollars a year and like 25 employees and it was good. It was good.
So I think most people's businesses need to be profitable immediately.
[51:14] Well, it depends what your capital costs are, right? Not if you're building a computer ship, right?
So it depends. I mean, it really depends. If it's a labor-based business, then yes, right?
I mean, if you're doing plumbing and you're a plumber, then your business needs to be fairly profitable fairly quickly, but not if you are doing something that requires a lot of upfront investment, a lot of capital costs, right?
For 17 years and you still don't know if it works or not holy crap, that's a that's a Simon the Boxer if ever I've heard of it when did you start the show 2005 is when I first started publishing articles, and then I went full time I think at the end of 2006 or something like that but I didn't make any income until shortly before then.
[52:21] So with you know as far as you you've got anxiety because your business is still not very successful after 17 years i would be on the side of your anxiety about that i would I would get behind your anxiety and say, yeah, maybe your anxiety has a point here.
Maybe your anxiety has a point here.
Maybe it's trying to tell you something. That either you're not working hard enough, you're too distracted, you're doing something wrong in the business.
It's not you who meets payroll. You know this, right?
You as a business owner, you don't meet payroll right who pays your employees who meets payroll who pays your bills, not you unless you're breaking your kids piggy bank to make payroll you don't you don't make payroll your customers make payroll your customers give you the money but you then like i would say i'd say to the my employees yeah you don't you don't work for me you don't work for me you work for the customers.
I mean, I'm the flow-through mechanism, but you get paid by the customers.
So don't think about pleasing me. Never think about pleasing me at all.
Think about pleasing the customers. You please the customers, I'm thrilled.
[53:49] Right? I mean, I do this even now. Of course, especially even now, what do I start to show with? What do you guys want to talk about?
What's on your mind? How can I best help you?
So if you are having trouble making payroll, it means that your customers don't value your employees enough.
[54:09] That's all it means from a business standpoint. If you're having trouble making payroll, it means your customers don't value your employees enough.
What that means is either you're undercharging for what your employees do, you're choosing the wrong employees, your employees aren't being productive, somebody else is out-competing you.
So there's a mismatch. Something's not working.
If you're still 17 years in trying to make payroll, Dave says, every successful business guy I've talked to has stories of Herculean efforts and scary, almost broken scenarios in the beginning.
All hands on deck. Wives jump in. Kids jump in. You push and push.
Then it can run. And run like a machine.
Without the crazy efforts. Yeah. Yeah.
I remember to produce a custom system for one, all of the customers I worked with, all of the businesses I worked with, you'd know them all.
I won't talk about them because it's a long time ago, but you'd know them all.
They're all Fortune 500 companies.
I had a delivery, and the delivery was Wednesday, and I went in Monday and started work.
I stayed all night Tuesday, had a cat nap, stayed all night, sorry, I stayed all night Monday, all night Tuesday, and delivered the system on Wednesday, and then I went home and slept for like 17 hours.
[55:26] I mean, that's how hard you have to work. to get it done.
At least, and I'm pretty efficient. I mean, you guys can see I'm a pretty efficient person, but that's how hard you have to work to get it done.
[55:40] And the business is still running and still profitable and all of that.
[55:45] I haven't been there in 20 years.
Good, good. Because I trained people.
Sounds like a residency. Well, I think they do it on a more regular basis. But yeah, it was rough.
I barely exercised for years and of course i traveled uh and and i was saying to my daughter the other day about how i spent a month in china doing business and i remember doing one pretty hard-ass negotiation across a table where there were women underneath the table who were massaging our feet it was just wild this is wild plus china was was stuck in the 1950s when it came to like like the three martini lunch stuff, right?
[56:27] Dave says, I shopped for a business after I was bought out by my ex-wife from a marketing agency.
So many businesses with history are on the edge or organized like a charity for the staff. Many, many businesses are barely profitable.
Yeah, you know, everyone talks about small businesses, the engine growth of the economy.
Small businesses are extraordinarily unstable and waste a lot of resources in terms of like people don't follow through. through.
If you can't find a way to make your business sustainable and to have effort, reductions over time, you're not successful.
Just muscling through and working your eight hours a week and struggling and striving and pushing, that's not a successful business at all.
It's not a successful business. A successful business is one, that has its own momentum, its own customer base, and where you as the owner-manager has transferred your knowledge to other people to the point where it could theoretically run without you and grow without you.
Because you want to hire people to replace you. You want to hire people who are going to do fantastic stuff.
You want to hire people who are enthusiastic and energetic.
You don't want to hire these deadwood dunderheads who are just going to come in and do their seven hours and write.
[57:40] Businesses have to serve the owner, the staff, and subcontractors, and the clients. All three sets of people have to be served or it won't work.
So I don't like subsidies. I don't like subsidies. I don't like a business that requires government subsidies.
And workaholism is one of the ultimate subsidies for businesses that makes it look like a business when it's not.
Right?
Workaholism can make something look viable when it's not.
It's sort of like if you have a girlfriend who just constantly demands that you praise her and buy her stuff then you can spend your whole day praying praising her and buying her stuff and i guess the relationship continues but it's not a real relationship, whoa what whoa what what did i say that's whoa related.
[58:34] People who work too hard are managing anxiety that they're chasing.
The purpose is the anxiety.
Because otherwise, you'd say, you'd have the self-respect and care for your own health to say, no, this isn't working.
So I need to do something different. Maybe I need a consultant.
Maybe I need to change out the business practices.
Maybe I need to shake things up. Whatever, right? Could FDR continue without you?
Well, no.
Well no of course right but that's like saying can Shakespeare continue without Shakespeare this is not a business this is a me, can Brad Pitt continue without Brad Pitt well I guess with AI maybe hey maybe AI will do it I don't know never heard that workaholism, take unique oh I've been there man I've been there it's not a real business if you have to work 80 hours a week year after year that's not a real business, so many businesses would stop immediately without the owner showing up for a day or two.
Well, and I don't know if you remember, about two plus years, two and a half years ago or whatever, I took a couple of months off.
I didn't produce any new shows for a couple of months.
[59:59] What about Mr. Musk? What about Mr. Musk? He's a complete workaholic, and he'd be the first to admit that.
[1:00:12] And he is subsidizing his businesses by taking his unique productivity abilities, which are singular on the planet.
The man's productivity abilities are singular on the planet.
He's a genuine force of nature. He started like half a dozen massively successful multi-billion dollar, uh, not just businesses almost, but industries.
So he is a workaholic and he massively subsidizes his businesses by working so hard on such a wide variety of businesses that he's like cloned himself.
Are they going to be sustainable afterwards? afterwards, who knows?
But he's not going to be able to appoint another Elon Musk to take over.
Are you planning any vacation soon? Yeah, I think this summer.
I mean, honestly, this job feels like a vacation, so it's hard to say I need a break from something I love to do.
Was missing you by the end of those couple of months? Oh, thank you.
Dave says, yeah, an owner doing 80 hours and being twice as effective as any staff is like having three employees for free.
People don't see it until they want to sell it, and it's too late.
The It's a bad, yeah, can you sell the business? I couldn't sell this business.
I couldn't sell free domain. I couldn't. How could I?
How could I?
[1:01:41] Or you get your kids to do the work, you get your family to do the work, and it's all just massive subsidies, right? It's all just massive subsidies.
You have to aim for the business to be fairly self-sustaining.
[1:02:07] Yeah, I mean, it's just a, yeah, it's, uh, no, it's not like a lawyer or a doctor because you could have a health clinic or a law firm and slide in and out.
I'm, you know, I'm like being, I'm like a movie star. Like, I'm like an individual that way.
It's like, can Stephen King continue without Stephen King? Right?
Can Brad Pitt continue without Brad Pitt?
Can what I do continue without me? No.
Somebody else will do something. Hopefully something.
Musk is totally government subsidized, though. No, not totally. Come on.
Come on. And Dave, you can't hold that against the guy. For heaven's sakes. For heaven's sakes.
[1:02:47] You can't possibly hold that against the guy.
As opposed to who? As opposed to who? Who's not government subsidized?
I mean, obviously me or whatever.
But who's not government subsidized? and you understand that you can't be a good business manager if you don't take government subsidies.
It's fiduciary misconduct. You can actually get sued for not taking government subsidies because if you've got two companies and one takes government subsidies and one doesn't.
[1:03:15] But he's used roads. Yeah, I don't know. Just this. He does this.
It's like, I don't know. Purity tests are boring.
None of us passed them. None of us passed them. Do you know that I have taken flights in my life?
And it's the FAA. F doesn't mean Freddie.
Red Federal Aviation Agency. It keeps my flights safe.
And do you know I've seen concerts in amphitheaters that were built by sports teams that were subsidized by the government?
Eh. God, the nitpickers.
The nitpickers. because celebrate the guy. God, he opened up for it.
I mean, the free speech here is largely over on Twitter, but man, for a while there, it was pretty wild. It was pretty wild.
[1:04:09] It was pretty wild. What do you think could be done to deal with the high rate of youth unemployment and what would be the long-term social effects of it?
Well i mean.
[1:04:25] Youth unemployment i mean a lot of immigrants are doing the jobs that teenagers used to do right, so the teenagers now of course they want the teenagers carved out of the market because everybody you remember where i remember everybody remembers where they were when you get your first real paycheck and you're like holy shit what black hole has been eaten through my income right, So they want to keep young people away from taxes as long as humanly possible, right?
Because when you're on the receiving end of government largesse, it all seems like magic uncle money, right? But when you're on the paying end, it's a whole different kind of thing, right?
How do you choose what to... Oh, and the other thing too is that there seem to be a lot of people.
[1:05:21] Complaining about having to work. Is that kind of a thing these days?
I don't know. If you're managers and you're employing younger people, you can let me know. No, but there seems to be quite a lot of people, who seem to be quite unhappy. Like, it's overwhelming. I can't believe I have to do this for the rest of my life. It's like, uh...
I mean, that's how you... I mean, I got my first job when I was 10, and I was thrilled to get it.
Why? Because I could afford some stuff. I could go to the movies.
I could go out to eat once in a while.
I could buy some cool clothes. Well, not for a while, but eventually I got there.
But they're all just like, oh my God, how do people do this? It's like, it's very strange. I mean, I remember spending a long weekend moving furniture, moving and assembling furniture into a building, like the cubicle furniture, putting everything together.
It's like, oh my God, you pinch your hands, like it was heavy, your back hurts, like, oh my God. But I was thrilled to get the job.
I made like six bucks an hour at that job. Man, that was fantastic.
[1:06:29] Or complaining they can't afford their own place. Young people never did that.
Well, but housing prices have gone mental.
I mean, housing prices have gone completely mental for entirely predictable reasons.
But yeah, housing prices have gone completely mental.
How do you choose what to make a business about? Your passions choose you.
Your passions are a vehicle by which they use you as a flesh puppet to get things done.
If you think you're going to will everything in life, life you're using entirely the wrong muscles for entirely the wrong propulsion you know will everything in your life no you keep doing shit until you get a kind of permanent life seizure that your passions and your instincts and your talents and your brilliance uses you as a meat puppet to get things out you don't think i feel a lot of the times like philosophy has jammed its hand up my ass and it's just making me say shit sometimes i'm like whoa i said that holy shit that That was a bad idea.
No, no, it's like speaking in tongues. It's like possession.
Okay, philosophy, I'll be your meat puppet. What do you want me to say today?
Okay. Can I have a normal life? No.
I'm using you to get philosophy out into the world. My ventriloquist dummy.
I'll do all the philosophy. You take all the heat. No, isn't it the case?
[1:07:56] Isn't that the case?
You ever have this thing where, something just grips you, like you're exposed to something, something just grips you, and that's it, man.
Like you hear this about, oh, the first time I picked up a guitar, I'm like, this is exactly what I want to do.
No, this whole big slow motion epilepsy Epilepsy of the universe grabbing me to hurl philosophy into the ears of mankind, sometimes against what I want to do, what I need to do, what I prefer to do, or what's damn well safe.
Okay. And I can either say no and say nothing, or I can say yes and say shit that gets me in trouble.
I can't say nothing.
I already had that when I was younger. I know that doesn't lead anywhere.
I'm a philosopher. Nope. Nope, I'm used by the spirit of philosophy, to say scary syllables to the world.
[1:09:10] Hello, Steph. It's been a long while since I watched your content, especially on YouTube.
If it's any consolation, it's a long time since anyone has watched my content on YouTube.
I have a question. What are your thoughts on Ireland as far as entrepreneurship versus USA?
Uh i haven't been to ireland since i was in the single digits and i've usa i think you'd need to talk to somebody with experience business experience in both places ireland has some pretty favorable tax stuff ireland has some pretty good import export stuff the USA is just where all the talent migrates and there's a huge pool of people.
[1:10:07] Yeah you you can poke around but basically your life chooses you, you can poke around but you're like it wasn't like Like, sorry to use this poking around analogy, but with my wife, it wasn't like I like went through all of these pros and cons and yes, she's the one for me.
Like I really loved her company. And I remember, I don't know, two months after we started dating, we went on a hike and I was watching her climb a hill and I'm like, yeah, I'm not doing better. There's no, there's no upgrade from here.
So then within short order, I asked her to marry me and we got married within 11 months of first meeting.
But that's an instinct, right? You date people, and then you wait for that lifelong oxytocin seizure to happen that is called pair bonding.
[1:11:08] But if I were looking to start a business and had the choice of anywhere, I would probably look at local IQ scores.
Because IQ is just so important when it comes to complex jobs.
Dave says, building structures was like that for me. I love figuring it out.
My wife and I struggle with feeling bad about telling off the people in our lives who wrong us.
My wife thinks it's better to feel bad than to make someone else feel bad because she's a woman right how can I help her and myself re-scramble this idea and be more self-serving and focus more on my our feelings at the expense of others, I gotta tell you just to share my experience of the live stream, I don't know just look at the tips.
[1:11:58] I'd have been better off serving your breakfast individually so So just pointing it out, you're asking me some very deep, powerful questions.
I'm sending out scatter shots of blinding insights.
And if you'd like to tip, I think it would be a fair and reasonable thing to do.
Work pretty hard. And this is, of course, the accumulation of many decades of thoughts and experience, which I'm trying to distill into a usable format for you.
So you can tip on the app. You can tip on the website.
You can go to freedomain.com slash donate to help out the show.
No, but I'll answer the question. I'll answer the question.
But it is interesting to me that people ask me sort of these foundational life relationship, work, business, income questions.
And thank you. I appreciate that. La la. La la, I appreciate that.
I mean, I literally told everyone how to get over being disliked by bad parents, which was a huge issue that everyone had.
I asked everyone. it's a huge issue that everyone had told you how to get over it oh my gosh alright my wife and I struggle with feeling bad about telling off the people in our lives who wrong us.
[1:13:15] Right.
Who wants to take a guess at what I'm going to say? Who wants to take a guess?
Consult your inner Delphic's deaf. What am I going to say about this?
My wife and I struggle with feeling bad about telling off the people in our lives who wrong us.
What am I going to say?
Whose parents are still in the picture? No, no.
He said people, not parents. Could be parents, but... Do you struggle with telling off abusive parents?
No. Those are good questions.
Maybe you're right, but that's not what I'm about to say.
[1:14:21] Come on but we don't have them in your life well but based on what standard right what standard, how much do you rely on those people so the question I have so the guy says my wife and I struggle with feeling bad about telling off the people in our lives who wrong us okay, do they know they wrong you do the people in your life who wrong you do they even know they wrong you Or are you trying to teach them the ABCs of empathy, which ain't never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to work?
Do they know they've wronged you?
You can tell me. Do they know they've wronged you?
Do they even know they've wronged you? why do you have to tell them like either you're so hypersensitive, that you just take offense at everything right in which case you don't want to tell people off because you're crazy you're too sensitive right he looked at me funny how do you know right so somebody who wrongs you, do they even know.
[1:15:41] So you have hesitations to tell off people who wrong you because if they don't even know, let's say that they wronged you and it's a legitimate wrong in that any reasonable person would be wronged by that.
[1:16:02] Well, what are you trying to do by telling someone who's wronged you, obviously, and who doesn't even know that they've wronged you?
What are you trying to do by telling them? What?
What's the point of that?
[1:16:23] Like, let's take an example, right? Somebody's coming over to your house and they have a big truck and you have a small car and they smash into your car and they come out, and they come into the house hey how's it going what's new right, what do you do i'm so mad at that person why well they smashed my car no you're not mad at them because they smashed your car because someone else could say oh my gosh i can't believe i did that that's terrible i'm so sorry listen i'll pick the car up tomorrow i'm gonna get it fixed I'll pay for everything, my gosh I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened I'm going to get my eyes checked, right, and then you'd be, you know, mildly upset or whatever, but you'd know it was going to be fixed and whatever, right, and it wasn't going to happen again, or whatever would happen but somebody smashes into your car, comes into your house and say, hey, what appetizers do you have right what are you supposed to say, what can you say.
[1:17:39] You're wearing a beautiful white shirt or a white dress and a guy is gesturing and he splashes red wine, which is really staining, right?
Not as bad as blood, but he splashes red wine all over your top and he's like, whoa!
I guess you got a skill issue, you shouldn't have been there.
It's your fault for standing there. What are you supposed to say?
Well, no, it's not terrifying. You say, they're so oblivious, it's terrifying. It's not terrifying.
It's not terrifying. Why is it terrifying?
[1:18:31] Okay, tell me, honestly, I'm open. Why is it terrifying? Why is it terrifying?
Some guy smashes your car, spills red wine on your expensive tablecloth, or top, or couch, laughs at it, laughs it off. Why is that terrifying?
Clearly they don't have any empathy, they don't have any emotional processing, they are narcissistic, or selfish, or just assholes, or whatever you want to call them, right?
They're assholes. Why is that terrifying? Why is it terrifying that there are assholes in the world? I'm genuinely curious. Why is that terrifying?
And I'm not trying to be facetious here why is that terrifying?
[1:19:16] It seems domineering. The fuck it does?
Because they will feel justified in whatever verbal assault they would go on if I called them out for it. No!
Assholes aren't intimidating, they're liberating! Oh my gosh. Really?
Assholes are liberating.
They're liberating. Even if you decide not to say anything because they're morally insane or selfish or cold or weird or no empathy or whatever, You get through dinner, you tell them on their way, and you never invite them again. You're done.
They're liberating. I don't understand what's terrifying.
Somebody treats you that badly, that weirdly?
It's liberating.
Because people retaliate to even mild criticisms with extreme harshness.
So why would you criticize assholes?
Why would you criticize an asshole? soul. Why would you criticize somebody who has no empathy, who's incredibly selfish and obviously volatile or whatever, right? Why would you criticize someone?
[1:20:28] Why?
Are you hoping to fix them with your little criticisms? Yeah, good luck with that. So that's not going to work. So why would you bother criticizing them?
If somebody is that way, Okay.
[1:20:48] So why does the original poster need to tell this guy off? Because you think you can help them.
No, because if you think you can help them, you're not terrified of them. Come on.
Come on. Some old woman falls down on a slippery road and you help her up.
Are you terrified of her? No, you can think you can help her up.
You're not terrified of her. You walk her to a car or you walk her to her house.
Some woman is struggling because she's got a baby at groceries and you, hey, let me help you with your groceries and I'll put your cart back for you.
You're not terrified of her.
So why would you be, if you think you can help them, why would you be terrified of them?
Tons of people you, I mean, I try to do call-in shows where I help people.
I'm trying to help people in the live stream. I'm not terrified of you guys.
[1:21:47] What does a rational analysis say? How does a rational analysis...
Okay, what if the asshole continues destroying things, which I think is escalation?
Oh my gosh, man.
Okay, so let's say some guy comes over, smashes your car, doesn't apologize, won't make restitution, you somehow get through the evening, you get him home, and you just don't have him around.
What do you mean he continues destroying things? wouldn't you have to keep inviting him over?
I don't understand. It's your property. Like, wouldn't you just not invite him over anymore?
What am I missing here? Maybe I'm missing something. I don't understand.
What if the asshole continues destroying things, which I think is escalation?
Well, I mean, if you start smashing up your house, you're going to have to call the cops, right? I mean, but you get him out.
[1:22:51] Like yesterday's live stream, I have to invite them into my life first, yeah.
You know these vampires that I keep inviting me in keep biting me.
Oh, I wonder what the solution is to that. I'm going to try and talk the vampires I keep inviting into my house. I'm going to try and talk them into not biting me.
Um, you know they can't come in without you inviting them in, right?
If they only knew this was causing problems, they would stop.
Instead, they just learn a button they can push.
You cannot teach selfish people to be unselfish.
You cannot chat them into it. You can't reason them into it.
You can't talk them into it.
You can't bully them into it. You can't yell them into it. You can't debate or argue them into it. You can't do it.
[1:24:01] Let's go back to this guy's question. We struggle with feeling bad about telling off the people in our lives who wrong us.
Why are you telling off the people who wrong you? If they know they've wronged you, they should be coming to you to solve the problem.
If they don't even know they've wronged you, then they're so abysmally selfish that they won't have any clue what you're talking about.
[1:24:22] I'm not going to try and talk somebody who's bottomlessly narcissistic into thinking of others. It's a hardwired problem.
You know, like people with character logic disorders, right?
Which is not where you're a normal person with a hiccup. it's like everything about you is bad wiring.
So you understand that people who are like narcissists or whatever or bipolar or bipolar a little bit but certainly things like borderline personality disorder nobody knows how to fix them. Nobody knows how to fix them.
So even if you're narcissistic and you have a vague feeling that something's wrong and you go to therapy you work really hard nobody knows how to fix this.
Professionals, thousands of years of people people, being harmed by these people trying to figure out how to solve this. You can't fix them.
You're trying to talk them into changing their height or eye color.
Well, if I just talk to you long enough, maybe I can take you back to when you were first born and reparent you for, say, the first five years of your life.
That's how powerful my syllables are because I'm magic.
No, you're not. No, I'm not. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh. Why on earth would you want to tell off people who are not even aware that they've wronged you?
[1:25:47] So my wife thinks it's better to feel bad than to make someone else feel bad.
No, that's not even remotely true.
My wife thinks it's better to feel bad than to make someone else feel bad.
No, because she's making you feel bad by not letting you confront the people or yell at the people or tell people off, right? So she's not.
Your wife is, these people, this is your wife's thinking, guaranteed.
I'm guaranteed. Guaranteed, like, it's not a lot I'm certain about.
Two and two make four, and this is what your wife is thinking.
So, when people, and this is true for women a little bit more than men, but when people say, well, you don't want to make people feel bad, what they're saying is, there are dangerous people around, we have to appease, and I'm going to screw your interest to appease the bad people because you're a better person. That's all it is. All it is.
It's just appeasement. Well, the bad people who are volatile and dangerous, I'm going to say I don't want to upset them because they're volatile and dangerous.
You, my friend, you, my husband, you, my boyfriend, whoever, you're not volatile and dangerous.
So I'm not scared of you so we're going to appease the people I'm scared of and I'm going to not be honest about it and I'm going to say I just don't want to upset people.
It's like, no, you just don't want to upset volatile, dangerous people.
[1:27:01] Zimp says, I have an entire life history that proves what you're saying.
It's not the greatest addition to repeat jokes that everyone's heard a million times before. for.
How can I help her and myself re-scramble this idea and be more self-serving and focus more on my, our feelings at the expense of others?
Okay. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. This is going out to everyone.
It's going out to everyone.
[1:27:36] How many people do you have in your life right now that you fight with?
How many people do you have in your life that you fight with?
I don't mean have criticisms or disagreements. I mean any kind of chronic conflict.
[1:27:57] How many people do you have in your life right now that you fight with?
Big fat goose egg, a bagel, one, zero, one, zero, okay, good, that's good, that's good, okay, so four, oh, that's very specific, one, all right, now, how many people, so we'll end that, I'll just put a line here.
How many people do you have in your life, that you don't have any conflicts with? Now, because you could have conflicts with people but not fight with them because you appease or you avoid or you push down or you just avoid them or whatever.
They're still in your life, but you don't fight with them even though.
How many people do you have in your life that you have disagreements with that are more than just minor?
That you may mentally grumble at, that, you, whatever, right?
[1:29:21] Five, a few, two, one. I think you're underestimating. I could be wrong, but of course, you know, people at work, there can be people at work who are difficult, people in the neighborhood, people in sports teams or clubs or something like that.
Four at least, five-ish, not counting work, right?
Two, and I'm resolved to move out from those roommates. Probably a good idea.
All right. Let's do a line here. Last question.
About ten. I think you win. About ten. You have a ton. Yeah. Okay.
Now, Now, how many times has fighting with people produced a permanent positive outcome?
How many times has fighting with people or having conflict or telling people off, how many times has telling people off resulted in a permanent positive outcome?
[1:30:36] Yeah, zero. Of course it's zero.
Now, I don't mean that, you know, have you ever had a conflict with anyone that ever had a positive outcome, but in general, this sort of chronic stuff, right?
Okay, so if you are doing something that doesn't work, it's working for someone else.
That's my little maxim of the day. If you're doing something that doesn't work for you, it's for sure working for someone else. Does that make sense?
So fighting doesn't work for you, so who does it work for? Having conflict, telling people off, getting mad at them, trying to fix them. It doesn't work for you.
It must work for someone. Or it wouldn't happen.
[1:31:24] So why does it happen if it doesn't work for you?
Who does it work for and why and how somebody says from rumble once my dad apologized profusely and fundamentally changed his ways that's great that's great to hear, would you like to know the mechanics of why you fight with people who don't change would you like to know the mechanics of why you do that and why that happens, i mean this is even people online trolls and and all of that i'm just not pissed enough that's funny that's funny.
[1:32:08] You would okay right.
[1:32:19] So let's take the guy who crashes into your car, comes in and, whatever, no big deal or whatever, right? It's fine.
Why is he doing that? He's doing that to dominate you. He's doing that to assert dominance over you.
He does something outrageous, and you see this happen with trolls all the time, right? He does something outrageous.
[1:32:45] And you can't win after that. Because if you don't bring it up, he's dominated you and he feels happiness and a sadistic pleasure and strength and he's won and you've lost because you're too scared to bring anything up. So he's dominated you.
But if you bring it up and say, you just smashed my car. This is a big deal.
What does he then say? What does he say if you call him out on it and you tell him off and you get mad?
Stand up for yourself and you fight for what's right and what does he do what does he say, we all know this one's why we don't do it right or at least shouldn't i guess right what does he what does he say oh you're overreacting stop overreacting it's not a big deal i'll take care of it oh god if it's such a big deal for you blah blah blah blah blah right, you you parked in the wrong place it's not my fault you know, Why do you have such a chick car anyway?
Right, so once he does the outrageous thing, you can't win.
You can't win.
[1:33:59] Can't win. It's just a car. Don't get so uptight. Don't be so big.
Don't ruin the evening. Just relax.
You've got to learn to roll with things. Stuff happens. Blah, blah, blah. Right?
What are you going to do about it if he's super asshole? Ah, yeah.
That's probably not the case, unless you're, I don't know, in a really bad section of town.
So he wins no matter what.
Either you don't say anything, therefore he's dominated you, or you say something and he laughs and minimizes and makes you look like a fool and you've lost again.
Unless you torch his car, then he still wins.
Then he still wins because he'll sue you or he'll press charges because his was an accident yours was arson so don't do that because then he'll win even more you can't win, you can't win with selfish people you can't win, but I've got to figure out the right sequence of syllables to win you can't win.
[1:35:07] And your wife is clearly saying you can't win.
[1:35:14] What do you want to tell people off for? You can't win. If people have no respect for standards or moral behavior or decency or politeness or empathy or sympathy or responsibility, if they don't have any boundaries or standards or rules, then they'll just appeal to the idiot mob to say, oh, he's so hung up, right? right?
You just can't relax. You say, look how so tense. God, relax, man.
There's a bit I remember from a very, very good show from, I think it was the 80s, maybe it was the 70s, looked like it was the 70s, but I think it was the 80s, a show called WKRP in Cincinnati.
A very, very, very good show, incredible acting, and very funny writing, and very imaginative writing.
And in this show, So, the DJ named Dr.
Johnny Fever has a daughter who's dating an idiot. His daughter is dating an idiot.
And he tries, the DJ, the dad, tries to get the son to do something sensible.
And the kid is like, whoa, power trip, man.
You know, power trip. Right?
Can't win.
[1:36:33] Herb Tarlick was brilliant oh they were all Gordon Jump was fantastic I still remember things from that show many many years later it was really really a good show.
[1:36:47] As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. Yeah, a less than S man.
I mean, it was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
They just don't make them like that anymore, sadly. But maybe as well, because I get more stuff done.
But Justin, I think the boyfriend's name was Justin. You need to, and it's like, and at one point, Johnny Fever was like, he just gave up.
He gave a good speech about a sensible thing that the kid should do.
And the kid's like, power trip, man.
You're on a power trip. In case you can't win.
[1:37:24] Loni Anderson, sorry, no simp. Ah, too much helmet hair for me.
She had a nice figure, but...
And Andy Travis was a skinny guy with truly hypnotic hair.
But no, Loni Anderson was too much of a helmet hair for me. Too much hairspray.
She's probably responsible for half the ozone layer.
A very destructive thought I've had countless times. If only I could find the right way to tell them. Yes.
I'll be outrageous. You come try and fix me. I'll put you down. I'll be outrageous.
You come try and fix me. I'll put you down. I'll be outrageous.
You come try and fix me. I'll put you down.
People with no control over themselves always end up trying to control others. It's a guarantee.
People with no control over themselves always end up trying to control others.
So when you're caught up in somebody else's psychoweb, it's because they have no self-control and they're simply seeking power for their own preference with no rules attached.
100%.
No self-control.
[1:38:49] Nothing, yeah, you're right. Nothing you say will make them care.
They don't have the capacity to care.
All they have the capacity to do is to seek power. And seeking power means not having rules.
Not having rules means humiliating anyone who ever tries to impose rules on you. They won't impose rules on themselves. Empathy is fundamentally about rules.
They won't impose universality on themselves. Empathy is fundamentally about universality. They don't recognize foundationally the existence of other people except as prey.
Predators and prey, that's the selfish people live in a world of predators and prey and that's it, because they're animals.
Narcissism and selfishness is mammalian.
[1:39:35] With the caveat that the least mammals tend to be somewhat sympathetic towards their own offspring. bring.
It's predators and prey. I dominate you or you dominate me. They're either at your feet or they're at your throat. There's nothing in between.
Win, lose, dominate, be dominated, control or be controlled.
There's no other, there's no self, there's no negotiation, there's no equality, there's no universality, there's no empathy.
They don't recognize you as another person with needs like their own.
Or I guess you could say they project their own win-lose mentality onto everyone else and they damn well aren't going to lose so they've got to win.
Yes, says Corrine, Corrine, sorry, I generally find people who lack empathy unpredictable and potentially dangerous but would allow myself to be shamed with words like avoidant, coward, judgmental, grateful that's gone.
Right. So, you've got people in your lives who wrong you.
[1:40:48] So either they know that they wronged you, and they're doing it anyway, in which case they're sadistic, and they're trying to invite you into being outraged at them so they can further humiliate and put you down, or they don't even know that they've wronged you.
They don't even know that they've wronged you.
I mean, I remember once, this was an omen if ever there was one.
I had some beat-up old car that I was driving around for a little while back in my twenties and I drove, to a girlfriend's place I got out of the car had dinner with my girlfriend and her family it was okay it was fine nothing bad and I came back out and, I realized that a dead bird was stuck in the front grill of the car.
[1:41:50] And I had to pull it out and I thought the head was going to come off and it was pretty gross but I didn't even know I'd hit I had no idea I'd hit the bird I had no idea, I think nature was trying to tell me something, so I didn't know that I'd wronged the bird didn't know felt bad afterwards but at the time I didn't know, Are you like that? They just driving around doing their thing. They don't even notice.
[1:42:27] So if they don't notice, they're incredibly dangerous because they're unconscious, right?
If they notice, but they don't say anything or they minimize, they're incredibly dangerous.
[1:42:44] Do you know how much better the world would get if we stopped trying to fix people?
Especially the people who don't even admit that there's a problem.
[1:42:59] Do you know how much better the world as a whole would get if we stopped trying to fix people, put repeat criminals in jail sorry, three strikes man we gave it a good shot just not getting along society is going to have to break up with you I'm afraid, if we stop trying to fix all social problems with government force, just imagine Imagine, just imagine how much better the world, and in particular your world, would be if you stopped trying to fix people who didn't even admit they had a problem.
Now, here's the thing. The reality is, you're not even trying to fix them.
You're not even trying to fix them. You're trying to fix your own anxiety, about having them in your life and not fixing them.
If I choose to live with a tiger, I better bloody well tame it, or I'm in constant danger. I've got to tame the tiger.
Is it because I love the tiger? No, I just don't want to get my ass eaten.
I want to be able to relax and get some sleep, put my feet up.
You've got dangerous people in your life. You want to have this fantasy you can fix them.
[1:44:26] So that you don't have to break with them. So you're managing your own anxiety.
It's not about them. You're managing your own anxiety. Which is why it never changes.
You can only fix people if they acknowledge their problems first.
Can't fix them either. I haven't fixed anyone.
People say to me, Oh, Steph, your show has done great good for me.
And I'm very happy to hear that and pleased to hear that. But I always say the same thing. You did it, not me.
Maybe I wrote a diet book. You changed your diet. You did all that work. can't fix anyone.
You can be an example, you can provide some answers, but you can't be in the job of fixing people because fixing people is a multi-year process.
Unless I just happen to be really slow at it. But it's a multi-year process.
From when I first started dating to when I got happily married, it wasn't 20 years but it wasn't 10 either it was a lot of work I was really dedicated to it and I went to therapy for 3 hours a week and I did journaling for 8 hours a week and I spent, so much time on it.
[1:45:46] You can listen provide some feedback here and there that's their job you understand, that I want you to get this like net this deep into your soul absolutely essential please please net this deep into your soul, it is easier to fix someone's body than their mind, it is easier to fix someone's body than their mind now let's say you want someone to get muscular Like not maybe super muscular, but you want them to get muscular.
You want them to lose weight, you want them to exercise, and you want them to get muscles.
Maybe a hint of a six pack, maybe some veined arms, some chest webbing.
[1:46:45] What do you do? You say, hey, I think you should work out.
[1:46:51] Can you work out for them? Nope.
Can you diet for them? Nope.
Can you go there every day with them to the gym for the next two years to make sure they exercise? Nope.
Because then you don't exercise. size.
Change and growth is 5 to 10 to 15 years easy.
A lot of headwind, a lot of problems, a lot of backsliding, a lot of mess, a lot of challenges, a lot of sabotage from the people around you.
It's a quest of the gods.
It makes the stroll to Mordor or look like a hammock in the woods.
So when you think of changing someone, say, okay, I'll tell you what, if I think I can change someone, this is my mindset, I say, okay, if I think I can change someone, maybe what I'll do is I'll first get them to start working out, six hours a week. If I can get them to work out six hours a week, maybe, just maybe I can do something with their mind but it has to be like a lifelong habit then.
[1:48:17] So you look at people and you say, you know, I think you're a little softy, a little doughy. I think you should exercise.
Now, if the person, oh, I'd love to hear more. Tell me more.
Tell me about your magical protein shakes and what's creatine all about.
And tell me about this, that, and the other. And what's the right technique and what gym should I do?
Give me a book. Yeah, you can pass along some knowledge and so on, right?
And oh, then I'm going to go hire a personal trainer. I'm going to get myself a weight and I'm going to track my progress. grass and rye.
Okay, so if they keep that up for two years, if you're able to get that going and they keep that up for two years, they lose the weight, they become muscular, they get a six-pack, okay, then you've had a big effect on someone.
How many times has it happened in your life that someone you know is flabby and lazy and becomes hard, lean, and muscular because of what you did?
[1:49:12] How many times has that happened? where somebody has taken good advice from you and dedicated themselves to it.
It's a semi-part-time job for years because that's what self-improvement is. Don't kid yourself.
It's not a one and done. I'm still working on it. Still working on it.
I'm happy to be working on it. It sure beats the alternative.
But zero, of course zero.
My God, 98% of people who lose weight gain it back.
Can't change people. No.
[1:49:44] I mean, to hell with changing people, man. Work on yourself. Work on yourself.
If you want people to exercise, you at least have to be fit yourself.
And then see who's interested.
See who's interested.
[1:50:07] Because when we try to change someone, we think they have the problem and we are there to help them.
But the reality is, we have the problem.
We are addicted to managing our anxiety by pretending we can change people.
We have magic language, magic words, magic thumbs, magic syllables. We are the addict.
The addiction of trying to change people is the real problem in the room.
You let go of that addiction, you're fine.
You're fine. Stop trying to change people. Hey, and if people are so easy to change, surely you should give up your desire to change people like that.
It'd be easy, because people are easy to change. Well, if other people are easy to change or capable of change, then surely you can change your perspective to align with facts, reason, and evidence.
But the empiricism of the fact that we don't change people. it took me 13 years to figure that out.
[1:51:10] Well all the crappy people in the world want us to believe we can change them so that we'll stick around stick around and be feasted on and prayed on, every night the vampires knock on our door and say you know one more lecture man I'll stop being a vampire we let them in we fall asleep they sucker blood and they come back the next day Oh, after your wedding? Oh, jeez.
Oh, jeez.
All right.
Comments?
Tips, I dare say. Tell me this hasn't been a cavalcade of intense utility. Come on. Tell me.
[1:52:01] Exchange value for value, right?
Thank you, Zombie. Lots of time, plants and trees inoculated with truffles.
Thanks to your perspective throughout the years, I bounced ideas off imaginary stuff.
I definitely could lose some weight. Well, I hear you. I hear you.
I still miss being able to eat whatever I wanted to eat.
I've told this story before, but just, you'll be tipping when you get paid.
Well, thank you if you can afford it, if you can afford it.
But when I was a student, a broke student, there was a hot dog vendor, and I used to be able to get probably easy thousand calories off the hot dog, right?
You just get the hot dog and you just widen it out and you put on the olives and you put on the cheese and you put on the bacon bits and you put on the, like you just jam it up high, right? Just jam it up high.
[1:52:53] And thank you for the tips.
And I had a professor, we were fairly close. He directed me at a bunch of plays.
I was in Harold Pinter's The Slight Ake.
I was in Chekhov's The Bear. I was in a variety of plays.
And we were fairly close. I liked him. And here I am, mowing down, right?
Mowing down on this big, giant ball of carbs and fat and mystery meat.
And I'm eating it. And he's like, oh, man. And he looked at me with a funny look, right? I guess, I mean, I was like 20 or whatever.
And he was in his, I guess, late 40s, mid 40s or whatever.
Of her and he's like wow man enjoy it while you can i eat that i die oh yeah enjoy it while you can so yeah and now now i'm in it like oh i can't eat that oh i can't eat that oh i can't eat that oh i can't eat that oh i can't eat that and all of that and so and my daughter's cleared out all the candy won't eat sugar won't eat it barely eats carbs she's just very into uh what she wants to to fit into all of these great dresses and all of that.
She's got dances and all kinds of cool stuff to go to.
[1:54:12] Part of the first step of the codependence is anonymous. I accept that I'm powerless of others.
Yeah, I don't like starting with the powerless thing. You have power over yourself.
You have the power to dispel your illusions. I have full power over myself.
[1:54:27] Which is true for everyone. You can universalize that, right?
Dapple dandy pluits are pure candy?
[1:54:34] Either you're telling me something or you're having a stroke.
Alright, well, low-tip day, but we'll survive.
We'll survive. Of course, I was doing a show yesterday too, so maybe I went to the well once too often. I will remember that.
But of course, if you're listening to this later, freedomain.com slash donate to help out the show.
I'd really, really, really would appreciate that. freedomain.com slash donate.
Remember, there's a bunch of hungry mouths to feed here now that there's three of us on the show.
Really would appreciate it. Help me make payroll or I get stressed. I'm kidding.
But if you could help that i would really really appreciate that part four truth about sadism part four coming tomorrow and jared is also reminding the story of your enslavement video and audio enhanced coming soon in english russian spanish and portuguese portuguese i think i've got that pronounced.
[1:55:23] Port portugueses port port port starboard there we go port starboard uh thank you steph i'll I'll resub soon. I appreciate that. I appreciate that.
For those who know, the war will end when it's fulfilled its purpose.
The war has ended when it fulfills its purpose and the purpose is not victory.
The purpose is spending.
So, all right. Thank you so much for a wonderful evening.
Lots of love from here. I will talk to you soon and thank you again for everyone who supported the show over the years into the present.
I will talk to you guys Friday and again Sunday at 11 a.m. So Friday, 7 p.m. Sunday, 11 a.m. Lots of love. Take care.
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