0:10 - Fatherhood Insights
2:27 - The Shift to Parenthood
4:33 - Embracing Selflessness
7:57 - The Joy of Giving
10:17 - Balancing Responsibilities
12:08 - Energy from Parenthood
13:41 - Shared Experiences
15:04 - The Transition to Family Life
16:39 - Final Thoughts on Fatherhood
In this lecture, Stefan Molyneux addresses a poignant question from a listener seeking advice for new fathers. He explores the evolving dynamics of relationships from being single to becoming married and then transitioning into fatherhood. Molyneux highlights that single individuals often focus on personal happiness and pleasures, creating a self-absorbed existence. With marriage, however, the focus shifts towards mutual happiness. Couples begin to prioritize each other’s pleasures, resulting in a shared sense of joy and contentment that strengthens their bond.
The conversation evolves to discuss the unique experience of parenthood, where focus fundamentally changes once a child enters the picture. Molyneux explains that while couples may achieve a shared self, the arrival of a baby initiates a more profound transformation into a selfless approach. He illustrates this with the example of parenting, where the joy derives not from self-interest but from nurturing the happiness of the child. Molyneux passionately states that there is immense satisfaction in prioritizing a child’s needs and joy, suggesting that the happiness that comes from seeing a child smile is unmatched and deeply fulfilling.
He shares personal anecdotes, emphasizing the rewarding nature of dedicating oneself to a child’s happiness. Even mundane activities become enriched when shared with a child, as he recounts moments spent with his daughter. Molyneux elaborates on the asymmetrical nature of parental relationships, distinguishing them from typical adult interactions. With children's happiness, there are no expectations of reciprocity, creating a unique bond that fosters genuine joy without the weight of obligation commonly found in adult relationships.
Molyneux then shifts to the importance of supporting the child's mother, arguing that her experience during early motherhood can be draining. He encourages fathers to be pillars of strength for their partners, underpinning the family's stability, which ultimately benefits everyone involved. He acknowledges the potential feelings of being overburdened but assures that this commitment is what men are designed for.
Throughout the lecture, Molyneux emphasizes that the energy expended in caring for children and supporting a partner replenishes itself, creating a cycle of happiness, akin to how exercise builds stamina. He dispels the myth of parental self-sacrifice, promoting the idea that the act of giving and investing time in one’s children is intrinsically rewarding. This leads to the realization that cherished moments with children far outweigh the fleeting pleasures of selfish leisure activities.
Concluding the lecture, Molyneux distills his wisdom into two critical pieces of advice for new fathers: abandon egocentrism and invest wholeheartedly in family life. He suggests that dedicating oneself to family leads to an abundance of joy and fulfillment, culminating in a life devoid of regrets. This message encapsulates the essence of fatherhood as not just a duty but a pathway to richer experiences and lasting happiness.
[0:00] Hey there, Stefan Molyneux from The Free Domain got a question from a wise listener who asked, what is your advice to a new father?
[0:11] Father. Pater familiars. Well, a couple of thoughts that I had. It's a great question.
[0:17] So it's a strange thing. I don't really get the mechanics, so I'm just going to tell you how it works and maybe you all can figure it out in a way that I I can't. It's a strange set of mechanic, but when you're single, you mostly focus on what makes you happy, like your own pleasures, your own preferences, and so on. When you become a husband, you focus on your wife's pleasures, she focuses on your pleasures, and it's great, right? You have someone in your corner, someone watching your back, and that makes you happier, right? You're happier to focus on someone else's pleasures rather than just pretty much focus on your own. And I suppose a sort of somewhat coarse but fairly vivid example of this would be sexuality, right? If you have a sexual partner and you only focus on your own pleasure.
[1:15] That's selfish and it doesn't actually, it's not, I mean, it's not really that much fun in the long run, because you get happiness from your partner's pleasure, and if you focus solely on your own pleasure, then you probably won't have a sexual partner for very long. It's kind of like in business. If you focus only on what you want, then you're not going to be very good in business. If you focus on what the customer wants, on what's good for the customer, then serving the customer serves your own needs.
[1:48] In productive educational situations, if you focus only on what you like to teach, then you're not a very good teacher. If you focus on what the students want to learn and how they best learn, you are going to end up more productive. So a sort of single circle where it's just your pleasure is not particularly satisfying in the long run. If you have overlapping circles of you and your wife, then that's better. But there's a funny thing that happens when you have a child in that a baby, right?
[2:27] Just talk about the baby part. When you have a baby, then what happens is you focus on the baby's pleasure and the baby doesn't focus on your pleasure.
[2:41] So you go in a sense from being single, kind of selfish, and that's not a judgment. I'm just sort of pointing it out. When you're single, you focus mostly on your own pleasures. You're kind of self-absorbed. I don't know what the good word is for a marital. Relationship, you're not selfish anymore, because you're focusing on your partner's happiness. It's shared self, probably shared self, right? So, you go from being selfish to shared self, you share that which is beneficial with your partner, they share that which is beneficial with you, and you work to increase each other's happiness through deep knowledge of the other, and you end up, you know, happiness is important because the division of labor stuff also occurs with happiness.
[3:24] If you're responsible for making your own paint from scratch, that's going to be a lot of work. But if you sort of outsource, like you're good at something and the guy who makes paint is good at something, so you exchange Bitcoin for that, and so that's a division of labor and you end up much better off. It's the same thing with happiness. You think that you know what's going to make you happy, but if you get married to someone who knows you in some ways better than you know yourself, then they can work to help achieve your happiness in a way that's really not possible for you, so you end up happier thereby, right? I guess in the same way, if you masturbate, you're focusing only on your own pleasure, but sexuality with a loving partner is way better because it's mutual and all that, right? So self-share, the shared self, but then you go to selfless. Now, again, I know the objections to that. Well, you chose to have a kid, you want to have a kid, you're enjoying BFI, that's not selfless. I'm not talking about self-sacrificial. It's just a funny thing because, you know, I spent quite a while as a single guy, got married very quickly and then became a father a little later.
[4:34] So I sort of had, I see now I've been 15 years a dad, almost 16. So I know the selfish phase, I know the shared self phase, and then I know the selfless phase.
[4:45] And once you get to the third phase where with the baby you are doing that which is delightful to the baby now the baby is smiling back and the baby is telling you what you you know that they're laughing or or at least not crying and so yeah they're reaching for you they like the cuddles so when you have a baby it's not like you get nothing back right they're not like dolls or sex or something like that. So it's not like you're not getting, but they're not focusing on your pleasure. They are responding to the happiness you bring to them. And in a way that brings you happiness.
[5:21] Now, that feeling of selflessness, of focusing on the happiness of your child is so deeply satisfying, it's ridiculous. It's just wonderful. It's absolutely wonderful. The other night, I had a call-in show to do, and my daughter asked if I would come for a walk with her. And she said, you know, I just want you with me. I can listen to music. You can do your call-in show. and so we walked up a rainy, muddy street with quite a wind and it was really nice. Did I want to do that? Would I have done that without my daughter saying that that's what she wanted to do? No, but I will almost always say yes, right? If my daughter says, you know, I didn't have any particular work to do. Oh, actually, no, I had a little bit of work to do, but I could have done it at home. I did it at a cafe a week or two ago. My daughter was like, oh, do you want to go to a cafe? So we went to the cafe and it was nice. It was really nice. It was really nice because we got the drive there. We got to chat and all of that. So when you just focus on the happiness of your children, it's just so deeply satisfying and enjoyable and rich. And of course, we have the capacity to do that. Now, of course, you would say, and I completely understand what you say, what you mean when you say, ah, but Stef, you're enjoying that time with your daughter. Absolutely.
[6:44] It's not a self-sacrifice. at all. I get that. But focusing on the happiness of another and gaining happiness yourself through that process is without precedent until you become a father. So be aware of that. Just focus on what's best for your kids. And trust me, the happiness that you will feel will be because, you know, especially if you've been single for a long time, you know, you're like, well, I got to have my own space. I've got to have my own time. I've got to have things for me, just for me. And it's like, not really, not really, not really.
[7:23] There is that which is enjoyable, simply because it brings pleasure to your children. And that's just great. It's just great. And it's not with any sense of building up obligation. So, you know, in most adult relationships, there are deposits and withdrawals, right? You're both banks, you make deposits and withdrawals. But with your kids, you just deposit. And it's so asymmetrical relative to other relationships, that for it to bring happiness, you know, I don't, I don't enjoy my daughter's company and do things with her because I want her to take care of me in my old age, or she owes me something back or something like that, right?
[7:57] It's very, very different from everything else. And just embrace it and trust the fact that focusing on your children's happiness is going to bring you such joy that it doesn't fit with any other relationship. In a business world, you wouldn't just focus on your customer's happiness and never think about anything that you wanted, like billables or something, right? So you just focus on, you wouldn't do that, right? In your marriage, you wouldn't just focus on your partner's happiness and expect absolutely nothing in return. That would be kind of simpy, right? But with children, it just, it works in a way that's hard to explain, but obviously we are wired for it as a whole, but it is just a deep, It's a deep pleasure. I mean, if your kids are captive biologically, right? The ABC, the accidental biological cage, your kids are captive. And if they really like you despite being captive, that's about the biggest compliment. I mean, if you're assigned a wife by some central agency and she's kind of forced to marry you, but then she ends up loving you and would choose you out of all of the men in the world, that's an amazing thing. That's an amazing achievement. So that's number one. Number two, recognize that this is quite draining for your wife, and not only are you going to need to be there 100% for your children, you're going to need to be there.
[9:21] 10 to 1 for your wife, right? So, your wife is focusing on the baby. She's up at night. She's breastfeeding and so on. So, you need to really step up. Now, I know it feels weird, right? So, as the man, maybe you're working, you're paying the bills, and you're devoting yourself to your children, and then you're also devoting yourself to your wife. And it feels, I mean, when you put it that way, or I guess when I put it that way, I can see how it seems exploitive. Oh, so I got to pay the bills, and I got to take care of 10 to 1 of my wife, and I got to focus on my kids all the time.
[9:53] Because we're so used to this reciprocal stuff, like what's in it for me. It works as well, if not better, with your wife than it does with your kids. Because with your wife, you are protecting her, you are shielding her, you are a resource for her so that she can relax into to really taking care of the kids, which is the foundation for a great family life going forward, right?
[10:18] So as a provider and a protector, or being a provider and a protector, just brings so much happiness and contentment and pride to you as a man, it's kind of what we're built for. We're built to provide and protect. And yes, maybe you feel like, you know, one of those gas giants with the black hole that's pulling all of its matter away, right? Or the 4 million tons of matter that gets destroyed every second on the sun through conversion to nuclear energy. So maybe, but it doesn't, it's not that way. It's not that way. Women have a near infinity of resources to devote to their children, and men have a near infinity of resources to devote to their wives and their children.
[11:06] And it does end up being equal. She's 100% in with the kids. You're probably like 30%, especially if you're working, right? You're out. You're 30% and 70% or 20%, 80%. So you're both putting in 100% extra, right? She with the kids, you with your wife and the kids and the finances and all that. But it is the kind of energy that replenishes itself, right? So when you start exercising, it makes you tired. But as you continue to exercise, what happens is you get more and more and more energy, right?
[11:33] So, as a man, devoting yourself to others energizes you. It brings you great contentment and happiness. It's what we're designed to do. It's what all of our unconscious and neurological and physical systems are designed for. And it is a paying it forward because hopefully your father sacrificed for you, your mother sacrificed for you, and you're just paying it forward. And it really is a beautiful thing. and it is a bit counterintuitive because to get energy from giving energy, again, the only thing I can really, you know, you spend energy cooking, right?
[12:09] You got to stand over a stove, you got to make your mac and cheese or whatever you're making. So you spend energy cooking, but you get much more energy out of the food than you expend cooking, right? You spend 60 calories cooking, you get 600 calories out of the meal. So you expend calories to get far more calories. You expend energy exercising and it gives you more energy in your life, right? I mean, you even expend energy sleeping, but it gives you far more energy after you've slept.
[12:36] So it is the kind of energy expenditure that gives you more energy and happiness. And if you didn't have parents, so who did that, right? If you have the kind of parents who are basically doing their own thing, watching their own shows, playing video games and ignoring you, and you've got the parents who are doing that kind of stuff, then you've probably inherited that kind of selfishness. And it doesn't pay off. It doesn't pay off in terms of happiness. Yes, you get to watch your show. Yes, you get to play Elden Ring for 200 hours, but it just drains you. You end up not happy. You end up defensive. You're kind of depressed. You're unhappy as a whole. And you then look back and you say, well, I spent most of my children's childhoods in a blur of screens and distraction, and it does not make you happy. It does not lend itself to your happiness, whereas spending time with your kids, giving them good skills for life is so deeply enjoyable and satisfying and gives energy that trying to have things just of your own is generally not.
[13:42] Like, I mean, for many, many, many years, I think other than Doom, I played a bit of Doom and so on. But.
[13:50] With my daughter, the video games I played were the video games she enjoyed. So we played them together. You know, like we did some Candy Crush. We did a Cut the Rope when she was very young, which was a fun game. We did Where's My Water with Perry and things like that. And it was really fun. We sit there and chat and play and laugh and all of that. I remember buying her some dragons for Dragonvale when she was very little and she was perfectly thrilled. And I remember how excited she was when she got the double-headed rainbow dragon and all of that. So, she and I would play games together that were really enjoyable. Of course, these weren't games I'd be playing on my own, but the fact that we got to play them together was incredibly fun. And I look back at that with, you know, great pleasure, right? It was a really, really large amount of fun. It's not a subtraction. Selfishness with regards to sexuality is not satisfying in the long run because you end up with nobody wants to have sex with you. Sort of a selfishness with regards to exercise, you know, exercise feels bad. You might get injured. You might have sore muscles. You might pull something. But if you don't exercise, you don't feel good in the long run.
[15:04] So realizing that you probably have to jettison most, if not all, of your, quote, selfish time and some of your shared self time with your wife is really, really important. And making that transition is the difference between a really happy family life and a difficult and fractious family life. If you devote yourself to your kids, of course, that's the biggest shield that they're going to have against peer pressure, right? The peer pressure is the black or dark energy that rushes in to the void left by parents who aren't devoted to kids, right? So where there's a lack of parental bond.
[15:43] Darker aspects or the more negative aspects of peer pressure come flooding in. And it's really, it's bad. It's bad. And all of the stuff that you take in a pretty selfish way when they're young comes back to really haunt you in their teenage years when you have little credibility and they attach to peers who take over and mess up your kids. And so it doesn't work very well in that way at all. So, those are the two major things that I would think about. Set aside the ego, focus on your family. It will be shockingly enjoyable and shockingly satisfying. And it leaves you down the road with the wonderful thing called no regrets, right? Spend time with your regrets, you get yourself no regrets. So, that is my biggest and deepest and strongest recommendation for fatherhood.
[16:39] And I hope that helps. I really can't do one for motherhood as well, of course, because me, no mother. Pa de mutter. So anyway, I hope this helps. Freedomain.com slash donate to help out the show. I really would appreciate that. Lots of love from up here. I will talk to you soon. Bye.
Support the show, using a variety of donation methods
Support the show
