0:03 - Introduction to Today's Questions
17:43 - Navigating Fertility Challenges
In this episode, I delve into the complexities surrounding modern relationships, touching on two crucial questions posed by listeners. The first query revolves around a listener's interest in a 32-year-old Spanish teacher who has a long-term boyfriend that supposedly doesn't want kids. We explore the nuances of her extensive travel history, which the listener fears might suggest a promiscuous past, contrasting it with her modest demeanor and seemingly prudent attitudes toward sexuality. I emphasize the importance of understanding her capacity for forming deep emotional connections, particularly in the context of her current relationship’s tepid dynamics.
Throughout the discussion, I highlight the significance of assessing whether individuals have truly learned from past experiences and clarified their values. It’s vital to approach any romantic interest with an open mind and a focus on personal growth and redemption arcs. Drawing on my own experiences, I underscore that people can change over time, but meaningful reflection and honesty about one's history are essential for fostering genuine relationships. Recovery from past choices or behaviors must be grounded in self-awareness and an understanding of how such backgrounds influence capacity for commitment, especially when children are involved.
The second question shifts to another listener who is struggling with their husband's lack of enthusiasm in their attempts to conceive. Here, I unpack the dynamics of sexual desire and intimacy during the potentially emotionally charged process of trying to have a baby. Highlighting the need for empathy and communication, I suggest that when partners experience differing levels of enthusiasm, it’s crucial to bring energy into the interaction rather than succumb to a shared lack of motivation. Techniques for rekindling excitement and playfulness in their sexual relationship are discussed, emphasizing that both partners need to actively contribute to the emotional climate of their intimacy.
I summarize the key takeaways from both inquiries: the importance of understanding one's partner's emotional history and capacity for attachment, as well as fostering enthusiasm and creative engagement in intimate aspects of relationships. Throughout the episode, I encourage listeners to cultivate open dialogues, facilitate deeper connections, and acknowledge the nuances of their partners’ backgrounds, desires, and limitations, to build strong foundations for long-lasting relationships.
[0:00] All right, you ready? Good morning, everybody. Hope you're doing well.
[0:03] Stefan Molyneux from Freedomain.
[0:06] And two urgent questions, it would seem, that I'm going to get to this morning. And somebody writes, Hi, Stef. I hope you will remember my question about my Spanish teacher from a live stream a couple of weeks ago. She's 32 years old and has a long-term boyfriend who doesn't want kids. You named the show Go Save Her Eggs based on that question. I would like to date her, but what still bothers me is her extensive travel history, which, as you said, may also indicate an extensive sexual history. On one hand, she doesn't seem promiscuous. She dresses modestly. She doesn't present her flesh on social media. And she seems quite prudent when it comes to topics around sex. For example, she doesn't like reggaeton because, quote, all the songs are just about sex.
[0:54] Reggaeton? I don't know what that is, anyway. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to have a strong bond with her current boyfriend. She sometimes bookstrips without him for two weeks or even a month. Could this mean she doesn't love him and continues to date him out of habit? Or is she unable to form a strong bond? She has a lot of personal qualities, and a woman like her is really hard to find. She is positive, happy, encouraging, compassionate, caring, smart, and reasonable. She takes her for health. She can cook, and as a bonus, she doesn't like the left-no-taxation. I feel it would be a shame to not date her just because of the travel thing, how do I know if she would be able to form a strong bond with me well these are great questions and I.
[1:38] Her boyfriend doesn't want kids, and she's, I guess, starting to run out the clock when it comes to having kids.
[1:47] So I think the best thing to do to find out if she has the capacity to bear bond, and of course, you're right. I mean, it's only an indication, a possible indication. It's certainly not a certainty that every woman who travels is promiscuous. It's not a certainty. I mean, nuns travel, right? So it's not a certainty. And even if she did have, I mean, this is the question of reform, how much or how well can people be reformed, right? So I dated quite a bit when I was younger, and I've been, you know, happily monogamous, joyfully monogamous for, you know, coming up to a quarter century. So that's not a huge issue. If it was deep in the past, I know for a minute it's a little different, but if it was deep in the past and she's been monogamous for some time, And if she's had some kind of reform, even if she did stack a few bodies in her youth, we all have to have a redemption arc, right? We very seriously and desperately have to keep open a redemption arc for people. You know, it's one of the great graces of any moral community is to have a path to a redemption arc. This is what I said, if you remember way back in the day, the sort of grab-them-by-the-pussy comment that Trump made to, what was it, Billy Bush? And, you know, he regretted it, and he was unhappy about how coarse it was.
[3:11] And because he's a Christian, and he's in a Christian community, and there, of course, the majority of Americans are Christians, there's a redemption arc.
[3:21] How many mortal sins are there? Well, personally, I think that there are very few sins that cannot be washed clean with apologies, restitution, and vows to never do it again and working in that way. I don't think that there's any, sorry, there are probably a few sins that have no redemption arc, but the degree to which UPB, self-knowledge, and virtue can recover and repair broken souls should not be underestimated, should not be underestimated. The problem, and this is, of course, what the Christian community is, well, I shouldn't say the entire Christian community, but parts that are quite vocal online, it's a sort of the Nala question, right, which is if you have a woman who's done OnlyFans for years, made millions of dollars, and then wants to be reformed or claims to be reformed? And how much should people take protestations of being reformed and finding Jesus and walking the path? How many people should take those protestations or that commitment to Christianity seriously? You know, this is going to sound a bit odd, but many years ago when I was chief technical officer of the software company that I co-founded.
[4:45] There was a fellow who joined us who kind of laid low for quite a long time. And I thought he might have been a bit of a dud, but what he was doing was he was absorbing, the business, the customers, and he became one of the, if not the most valuable employee I'd ever had because he laid low and he absorbed. And that takes a certain amount of confidence to not be prominent to lay low and to absorb and then when you have absorbed then what happens is the amount of value you could bring to the direction tends to be quite high so i think that if people lay low and absorb for quite some time then they have significant value later on in the conversation. So I would view somebody, let's say that it was a child abuser, right? Let's say that it was a child abuser. Well, if a child abuser had a revelation one day and immediately went out as a very loud anti-child abuse advocate, I would have more than suspicious. I would view that as a different form or a different approach to attention-seeking. Because you really do have to wrestle with your own conscience and you have to wrestle with whatever facts or forces brought you to such a corrupt and immoral state.
[6:13] That is a very important thing. If you have been doing very corrupt, evil, or immoral things for years, and especially if you have profited enormously in some form or another, where it could be tension, maybe you've taken a bunch of guys, a bunch of simps for money just in person, like the woman who goes out on a date every night of the week, so she never has to pay for dinner. Or I guess an OnlyFans, if you've made millions of dollars, once there's some woman who made $45 million, dollars on OnlyFans. Well, that, of course, is a great draw that corrupts rent. In a sense, the devil has to richly reward a few corrupt people in order to draw everyone else's greed into the arena, whereas the average woman at OnlyFans makes at best $100 or $200 or $300 a month, which is a very sad thing to sell your body at all, but for so little money. But these people are held up as lures or baits to get other people. into that arena.
[7:14] So the lay low phenomenon is really, really important. The lay low phenomenon where if you've had, if you're in a new space, take your time to absorb it. Take your time to start being able to think for yourself. And I laid low in the philosophical realm with some, I mean, I certainly have a journal, I have my graduate school thesis and so on. So I did some good work, but I lay low in the realm of philosophy for 20 years.
[7:45] You know, like 15 to 35. Actually, it's long for me. So, I'd say my thesis was 92. I started publishing. And I said 23 years. That's almost a quarter century. Well, no, no, no. That's not that long, but from 15 years. 15 to 38. 1375. Okay. I'll do that math at another point. Actually, I'm getting this sorted out for it. So I first got into philosophy in 1982. No, 1981. 1981.
[8:20] So I was into philosophy for 24 years before I started really talking about philosophy and before I, in the public square. So I lay low for, you know, let's just say a quarter century I'll see you next time. Remember reading Femme and Aristotle in the summer of my 15th year. So let's just say a quarter century. So I lay low and considered and thought about things for a quarter century. Now, of course, I knew about online publishing for many years, but I really only want to have the DRO revelation for myself. I have to have a good debate with a Christian at work, actually, Bob Lena. Once I Once I figured out the DRO stuff, then I made that sort of final click transition from objective style minarchism to pure voluntarism, to anarcho-captainism as consistent. And through that click, it was like this giant portal opened of consistency where I was then able to creatively and valuably add things. See, when you have consistency, you have clarity and simplicity. E equals MC squared, rather than the ether. The Ptolemaic system is bad. The heliocentric system is good for calculating the position it applies.
[9:42] So when you have simplicity, you have creativity. Imagine how hard it would be to write a poem if you also had to invent your own language and its syntax and grammar and meanings and subtleties. So the lay low phenomenon, I think, is really important when it comes to really having something of value to add to a space. Now, one of the things that has happened with Nala is that, and this is so, I think she's an OnlyFans star who recently converted, is that, you know, at one point she's making bizarre Japanese anime sex faces on the whatever podcast. The next thing I know, she's lecturing Andrew Wilson on theology. And as far as I know, does not believe in the Trinity, does not believe in the pure divinity of Jesus, and so on, right? So where I don't believe people's irreformations, where I don't believe that, is when they don't lay low for a while and figure out their stuff, figure out their history, figure out what happened to them. I mean, it was very fortunate for me, for you, if you're listening, of course you're listening for philosophy as a whole, I believe, that I did the quarter century of only having private conversations about philosophy and only writing about philosophy for myself. It was really something.
[11:03] The fact that I had matured a lot, the fact that I had gone to years of therapy and so on, all of that was very positive and very powerful and very helpful.
[11:14] Now, to me, I don't know how old Nala is or for how many years she did OnlyFans, but in general, my rule of thumb is, you know, half the time. You should probably lay low for half the time. So if you did OnlyFans for five years, then you should probably lay low, certainly you have the money to do so, but you should lay low for a couple of years. Half the time to get over a prior relationship. Half the time of the relationship to get over the prior relationship. So if you had a prior relationship with corruption, then it would probably take half the time of that corruption to get over that corruption. If you're really dedicated, and it's going to be a ragged recovery.
[12:03] It's a ragged recovery. It's going to take time. It's going to be better or worse. But there's a lot to confront in yourself. There's a lot to confronting yourself when you've been corrupt. So what I would say is that the redemption arc, if this woman's 32 and she traveled a lot in the past, which you have no confirmation that she was promiscuous, right? If she has a more conservative attitude toward sexuality, because, and that is actually, I mean, that's a good sign for a healthy sex life because the hypersexual women, you're going to have a very bad sex life over time. Right? Less sex at the beginning is more sex later on. More sex in the beginning is less sex later on. Because the hypersexual women don't feel that they're worth very much. And so they sex belong. But then the underlying depression and resentment comes out. And then you're in a sexless relationship and you're in a tortured situation.
[13:01] So the redemption arc is fine. You don't have any proof that she wasn't promiscuous. She is with a guy who doesn't want kids. And I personally view not wanting kids. I mean, not wanting kids, whether you have them or not, or if you have barriers like genetic issues or whatever. But if you don't want kids at all, I view that as a giant red flag. I would view that as a deal-breaking red flag. It's just anti-death, anti-death. So, I mean, if you're happy, you should want to pay that gift forward to the next generation by having kids. If you're unhappy, you should deal with your unhappiness so that you can end up wanting to have kids.
[13:41] So, as far as she's got this sort of tepid boyfriend and she goes away from him for a couple of weeks or a month, so that's a kind of tepid relationship. But, and that's not too much to be respected, right? Like she's married. So as far as bonding with you, I don't know, because there are two ways to learn how to pair bond. One is through being raised in a pair-bonded family. If you're raised in a pair-bonded family, then you speak the language of pair-bonding as surely as you speak your parents' native tongue.
[14:18] And if you aren't raised in a pair-bonded family, then you can work on pair bonding through things like therapy and self-knowledge and self-work. So if I were in your shoes, I would ask her about her childhood. Ask her about her childhood. Or you can, if you're in a conversational situation, you don't have to ask her about her childhood directly. You can mention a couple of things about your childhood. And then you can see if she responds with information about her childhood. Do you know what her parents were like? Do you know if she's done any self-work? Does she read for self-knowledge? Does she journal? Has she ever done therapy or anything like that? So the best way to find out if she can pair bond is to ask her about her childhood or any self-work that she's done. If she had a childhood with parents who were happy and connected, then the question is, how did you get the 32 without ending up in a pair-bonded relationship? And also you need to try and figure out why she's with her boyfriend.
[15:19] And I don't know how long, I'm sorry if I don't remember, long-term boyfriend. So at 32, having a long-term boyfriend is a challenge and a problem. Because let's say they'd be going out for four years, then she's in a space of no time. So pair bonding has something to do with the passage of time. People who don't really process the passage of time don't tend to pair bond very well because pair bonding is also about taking care of the second half of your life right.
[15:50] If I'm, you know, I'm pushing 60, if I was out there trying to pull hotties in their 20s, that would be sad and pathetic, right? So you have to have a pair-bonded relationship for when you get somewhat old and a little bit decrepit and so on. You have to have a solid pair bond so that you have a relationship that is great and solid that doesn't rely upon, you know, mere youth and beauty and charisma and the boundless energy of youth and all of that, right? I mean, when you get old, you're going to have the occasional medical issue. You just need someone who's there for you for all of that. And so people who don't really note the passage of time, this is one of the reasons why guys who don't lose their hair and don't gain weight tend to have some difficulty pair bonding because the passage of time is not as apparent. And if you feel like you're forever young, then when you're young, it's easier to avoid pair bonding because if you're reasonably attractive, you can have a lot of different relationships, then variety can make up for depth. So if she's 32 and she's got a long-term boyfriend who doesn't want kids, then either she doesn't want kids, which is to me a big red flag, or she does want kids, but she's not really noticing the passage of time. And if she's not really noticing the passage of time, then that would be a tougher thing to pair bond. So I hope that helps. And yeah, just ask her about her childhood and see if you can find out anything about.
[17:18] Oh, how long have you been going out with your boyfriend? And, oh, where did you meet? And what's he like? And so on. And were your parents married? Or what was your childhood like? You know, things like this are friendly questions, but they're really, really important questions for trying to get to the truth and to the root of these things. So I hope that helps. And I'm sorry that I missed that on the live stream. All right. What else do we have here? We do, we do. All right.
[17:43] Hey, Stef, I have a question for one of your live streams. Any advice for the following situation? My husband and I are trying to conceive, and he feels pushed at the fact that we have to have sex every day of my fertile window. In fact, because I picked up on it, I haven't even been asking slash initiating every day of my fertile window, just every second day. Meaning we could be having more sex, thus increasing our chances. Last time we had sex, and he just went cold afterwards and eventually said that he wasn't in the mood tonight and feels pushed. I feel very upset at his lack of enthusiasm, and it makes me feel gross, like I'm forcing him. I want to maintain curiosity and know what he's feeling, but he doesn't want to talk about it. We both want to have a baby, so I'm struggling to see why he feels like this. We might not always be in the mood, but if you're trying to have a baby, it's just one of the things you've got to do, right? Could you please shine some of your logic onto the situation? How do we get around this? Thank you, Stef. Well, I mean, at the risk of sounding a little bit coarse, there's a time for talking in relationships, and then there's a time for action, right?
[18:42] So, I don't know. If he's into French maids and get a little French maid outfit, talk to him in an outrageous accent and pretend to be dusting. You know, just whatever he's got going on in his reptile male brain, which, you know, women have, of course, as well. The reptile part, not the male part, of course. But I would say that... Going to have to, when some, when you, when, when other people lack enthusiasm, you can't go down to their lack of enthusiasm with them. Right? So an example would be, if you've listened to call-in shows, you know, sometimes I get those dead voiced people with lots of pauses and I'm like, bro, we can't do it. We can't do this. We can't do it this way. Like, please, I'm begging you. I like that. I try to add extra enthusiasm for the potential of the conversation to make up for their emotional distance. So sometimes if he's feeling less than enthusiastic about what's going to feel a little bit like a baby baking marital chore, then you can bring extra enthusiasm to it. Like be more playful, be more fun. And I don't know, I'm taking you sailor or whatever, like whatever's going to be fun and get him out of that doldrums stuff. Don't follow people down into a lack of enthusiasm. Otherwise, you just end up with two unmotivated people. But, you know, I mean, I don't know if he's ever talked to you about his sexual fantasies or things that he saw when he was younger that he found sexy and so on.
[20:09] But whatever it's going to take, you can view this as an opportunity to explore each other's thoughts and ideas and dreams and all of that. So, yeah, just see what makes it work for him and then make it work for him. So and it's tough you know because if you've had a habit of following him down into his lack of enthusiasm because what's happening either your enthusiasm is going to spread to him or his lack of enthusiasm is going to spread to you it doesn't stay different right you know there's this really it's kind of an annoying phrase you know i just i need someone who's going to match my energy that usually means equal levels of mania but with money but when it comes to something like this There is real truth to that, right? If you're enthusiastic about moving to the country, you have to find, and your mate is kind of dour about it, then you have to find a way to get your enthusiasm over to where your mate is at and get that to him. Get him enthusiastic about it. It's not manipulative to share your enthusiasm, and if somebody's enthusiasm level goes down, there's no reason why yours can't go up to make up for it. Now, maybe he'll get resentful about that, but it's your best chance, because if you follow him down, to this, I guess, literally limbic lack of enthusiasm, then you end up with two people with that much energy or enthusiasm. It harms your chances of having a baby.
[21:30] And you're just going to have to find some creative way to get his juices flowing. And that could be a fun thing for you. So anyway, I hope that works. And I really do appreciate everyone's time, care, thoughts, and attention today. Lots of love from up here. Love these questions. Keep them coming. Don't forget, you can book your call-ins at freedomend.com slash four. And have a wonderful, wonderful day, everybody. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.
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