0:02 - Introduction
2:17 - Healing and Self-Discovery
4:02 - Confronting the Past
8:42 - Family Dynamics
10:07 - Understanding Spinal Muscular Atrophy
13:30 - Support Systems
20:50 - The Challenge of Socialization
23:04 - Balancing Responsibility
41:12 - Coping with Limitations
49:30 - Transforming Adversity
55:04 - Finding Purpose in Pain
1:04:21 - Understanding Personal Struggles
1:11:05 - Finding Purpose in Pain
1:25:15 - The Balance of Responsibility
1:38:06 - Embracing Change and Growth
1:55:39 - Concluding Thoughts and Reflections
In this episode, I engage in a profound conversation with a caller who provides an update about his life after a challenging breakup and his ongoing journey of self-discovery. He shares his struggles from the past year, detailing his decision to move back in with his family as he works toward earning an accreditation that promises a more prosperous future. Throughout our dialogue, we explore his emotional landscape and the complexity surrounding his brother, who has spinal muscular atrophy (SMA), pushing him into a state of internal conflict between familial obligations and personal aspirations.
The caller recounts how his relationship ended after he displayed a newfound clarity about self-worth and emotional health, qualities that had been influenced by my previous advice on confronting his past traumas. We discuss his efforts to heal through increased self-awareness, reflecting on a pivotal confrontation with his parents about their parenting choices and how those choices impacted his childhood. The conversation dives deeper as he expresses disappointment over the lack of significant change in his parents’ behavior despite their apologies, leading to further contemplation about his role within the family dynamic.
A significant theme of our discussion revolves around the responsibility the caller feels towards his disabled brother and the complexities of wanting to start a family of his own amid that obligation. We dissect the long-term implications of his brother’s SMA and the emotional toll it inflicts not only on the brother but also on the caller as he navigates relationships and potential future partnerships. The callers’ candid reflections guide us into broader dialogues about societal perceptions of disability and the often-infantilizing attitudes surrounding it.
We also delve into the psychological implications of caregiving and how his brother's condition affects his own abilities to navigate romantic relationships. The caller worries about how potential partners might view the additional emotional weight of his responsibilities. I reiterate the importance of independence, both for him and his brother, emphasizing that managing happiness is paramount for attracting a fulfilling relationship. As we peel back the layers of guilt, obligation, and desire, I encourage him to step into his own potential, rather than remain tethered by the expectations of his brother's needs.
Towards the end of our lengthy exchange, we touch on the practical aspects of his living situation, with him feeling torn between saving money and the implications of living at home with his parents. I challenge him to reassess whether the financial savings are worth the emotional costs tied to that arrangement. It leads to deeper personal revelations as he contemplates his connections with friends who motivate him toward personal betterment, hinting at a potential move back to the town of his alma mater where more supportive social circles exist.
Ultimately, this conversation encapsulates not only the struggles of navigating relationships, family dynamics, and personal growth but also the resilience found in taking responsibility for one's emotions and choices. The caller is left with a renewed sense of agency, contemplating the balance between supporting his brother while embarking on his own journey toward fulfillment and independence.
[0:00] Hello hello hello how's it going not.
[0:03] Too bad yourself.
[0:03] Not too bad at all i'm still getting over this uh bizarre flu i've had for the last week or two but no excuse me no big deal so i'm all ears if you want to start by reading your message we can take it from there.
[0:15] Yeah i can do that here uh hello stefan last time we talked i was going through a breakup with my long distance ex i very much appreciate the insight that you provided me about my past relationship and my family. I wish to call you again and talked about my future and what would be the best actions moving forward. To recap my last call, you ended up titling it, My Girlfriend Summons Me to Sin. I moved back in with my family to study for an accreditation, which would help me earn more money in the future. While living at home with my family, I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, which ended last time I called you. It has been a long healing process, but I took the past year to heal from the emotional damage to the relationship, as well as listening to your show and others to gain better self-knowledge. I confronted my parents, asking them questions that I had about my childhood. They apologized, but there has been very little change to their behavior. I mainly struggled in deciding on what to do about my brother, and whether or not to move back to my town in which I graduated college from. My brother has SMA, which means he is wheelchair-bound and needs assistance living.
[1:25] My issue is I want to have my own family one day, but I feel pulled to have to take care of him. I find it hard to think of how to have a family on my own when I know my brother will eventually need aid sometime in the future. I think that from a woman's perspective, it is possible... Sorry, I think that from a woman's perspective of a possible future wife, I can see that as a problem for marriage.
[1:53] I was also thinking about moving to another town, as the one I currently live in doesn't have very many women. I live in a smaller town that's economy is based around the oil field and Air Force, an Air Force base, so it's not exactly a lady bill. I moved back, moving back to the town I went to university in would have more social circles to find a future wife.
[2:17] On top of all that the current job i work at has some troubles that i'm not sure how to handle i'm seeing if you could help me explore reasons on what i should do to solve these problems.
[2:27] Well i appreciate the call back and uh do you want to tell me how the last year was in terms of the recovery.
[2:33] Yeah absolutely um so it was man it was uh pretty bad to start um i mean just uh, the observations you made you know it uh it kind of felt like rock bottom, feeling wise um like i didn't i didn't know where to go didn't really know what to do um, knowing that um the path forward was going to be hard um it's definitely a emotional roller coaster that's for sure um, but um.
[3:13] Yeah, I guess. So after the breakup, I talked to my ex for a while. I let her listen to the call-in show and she ended up kind of freaking out on me. I think I messaged you that, but she freaked out on me because I called her a six or a seven. And she said that she could never be with someone that says they're six or seven. And, you know, I was like, well, what about all the other things in the conversation? And, you know, she ended up just kind of leading me on a little bit. Like, I just need time to think and all this. And there was no intention of actually talking about the situation.
[4:02] So, um, but yeah, so I guess that's, that's how that relationship ended. Um, I mean, it was, it was quite difficult cause I was, um, attached to her, but, um, like, I guess my, my brain knew what was wrong. My heart, uh, just couldn't understand that, you know, um.
[4:29] Uh, but yeah. So then after that, um, I ended up confronting both my parents about kind of the past and how I was raised and, and I asked a lot of, um, trying, trying to be, um, uh, what do you say when, when you're just asking questions, not, not necessarily coming to conclusions yourself.
[4:49] Yeah. Just curious. Yeah.
[4:51] Right. Right. Um, and you know, I asked him like, why, um, why? Uh, you know, why, why did we have a babysitter? Why did we, um, if, if money was the issue, why did, why did you buy a lake property? You know? Um, and I, I also did forget a pretty big detail that, um, my dad has a kidney disease and he needed a kidney transplant, um, about five years ago so that was also adding to their idea of money troubles um but uh so their their um response was it was just kind of avoidant uh you know they apologized um but there was there was no real reason it was like the reasoning was um like when i was talking to my dad about the lake he was like we oh well we almost had it we almost you know and it's like, it's kind of ironic because when he said that i was like that sounds like a gambler you know like it feels like you're kind of gambling with my life in a sense um, but um sorry.
[6:08] Help me understand that gambling with your life part.
[6:12] Well it's like why why would you want to if if money if you know that money money is going to be an issue sometime in the future why would you go and purchase a lake property.
[6:27] Sorry but how is that gambling with your life, um i'm not disagreeing with you i just want to make sure i understand where you're coming from.
[6:36] Uh because if you're if if the the reason why um you know my mom didn't stay at home with me or my parents didn't spend enough time with me is because they wanted to work um why did you go off and buy a lake property rather than just save the money and you know spend more time with me.
[6:57] Well not because they wanted to work but because and they said that your mother had to work because they were out of money but then they buy a lakefront so when they say they're messing with your life it's it's sort of the path and trajectory of your life not whether you live or die i just wanted to make sure i understood that.
[7:12] Yes yes correct.
[7:13] Okay got it got it okay okay so sorry i interrupted go ahead okay.
[7:19] Um so then let's see i'm trying to think if there's anything else to note really with my, um, with what my dad had to say. Um, so I asked my dad that and then confronted my mom. Um, and hers, her response was just very much like, uh, well, I didn't, I didn't know. I mean, you were always off with your friends and, you know, um, very, uh, deflecting, um, responses. Um, um yeah she i mean she didn't really have any reasoning behind why or what um it was just more of well i didn't know and i thought you were happy and you know all that sort of all that sort of stuff um so i mean both of those responses uh emotionally hurt quite a bit um and then so i I basically asked them if we could start spending more time as a family together. And over the past year, of course, there's been no change, really. So... I'm trying to think if there's anything else to add really about that.
[8:42] What's been going on with your brother?
[8:46] My brother's fine. I currently live at home with my family, so I get to spend quite a bit of time with him. We play video games and try to have fun with him. He doesn't have much of a social circle outside of my friends. Um like playing video games um but uh he's currently going to school and he's he's pursuing a degree in computer science um so that's i guess where he currently sits he's uh 22 right now so he's college age but and.
[9:26] Describe to me his disability.
[9:28] So he has sma which means that um And his nerves can't connect to his muscles, so they don't get the proper nutrients to grow. So he's a very skinny guy, and he's wheelchair-bound and doesn't have much strength.
[9:51] And what does that stand for, and what's the origin of it?
[9:56] Spinal muscular atrophy. um and like the origin as in it's uh genetic.
[10:06] And what's the prognosis.
[10:08] Well it was the prognosis was that he was only going to live till um i'm sorry just got to take a minute here um the prognosis was that he was only going to live till about 25 originally with his the type of sma he had um but now he has been receiving um, basically shots to his spine to slow the progression of the disease so it's well it's not even progressing anymore now it's if anything he's just staying steady at uh the spot he's at right now so.
[10:49] So he has no termination, like there's no year in which he's expected to die, is that right?
[10:55] Yes, correct.
[10:56] Okay, well that's good news. Okay, and his intelligence obviously is going to school and so it's really just affected his body, right?
[11:08] Correct, yep.
[11:09] How is he handling this, I mean, literally crippling ailment?
[11:17] I mean, it's pretty difficult to watch. But I mean, he definitely keeps a good attitude most of the time about it. He... I try to tell him not to worry about things that are out of your control and focus on reading, becoming more knowledgeable as a person since you can't work on yourself physically. I mean, it's just not an option. And he, for the past year, um, with the treatment, he was trying to see if he could gain muscle. Um, and sadly, you know, I had him like lifting like smaller weights to try to see if he could gain any strength, but it doesn't look like that's, um, going to be a possibility. So, but I mean, he tries to have a good outlook about it. Um, tries to be, he, he likes to help out around the house. Um, I, I bought him a, a cooking book. he likes to cook and he just you know as a man he wants to be useful um and it's uh difficult when you have uh an ailment like that.
[12:28] So if he can cook it means he can use his his arms his shoulders.
[12:35] Yes he so um he can he can lift things but it's like um he has like the strength of like a 80 year old woman if that makes any sense maybe even less than that like he can't walk um he has to like if if he's out of his wheelchair he has to crawl around um so movement is not easy for him, but he he still can um, He still can like lift lighter objects and stuff. Like he can lift a frying pan or like any heavier piece of cooking equipment he kind of struggles with. But I don't know if that gives you kind of a perspective on what his ailment is.
[13:21] I appreciate that. Massive sympathies. And what is your parents? How are they handling all of this?
[13:31] Uh they handle i mean they they they help him out i mean um with doing stuff for i guess i guess this is a detail about him um over the past year you know he was um, he was kind of seeing me as a outlet to talk about his problems which i mean i'm of course i'm always willing to help and um talk with him through his problems um but it was getting to a point where like his depression was really bad and it seemed like any response that i was having wasn't helping um so then one day after talking to him i went to my parents and was like hey i you know been talking to me about this stuff or i'm sorry i said his name that's.
[14:15] Right i'll take it out go ahead.
[14:16] Um um he was talking to me about this stuff um and i i feel like i really don't have the the knowledge or strength or support to help them through this stuff like it needs to be the family together um and ever since i did that you know my my parents have been more, open to talking about his problems and helping him kind of work through his troubles i guess if that makes sense um, But, okay, what was the original question? So, how have my parents been helping out? So, they've, you know, they help him get around. They take him to the college in the town that we live in. We have, like, a smaller university, which he attends. But as far as, like, helping out, trying to get him socialized or anything like that, they don't really do anything like that for him. I mean, they don't socialize much themselves, so...
[15:21] Well but that's by their choice right i mean is there um i see how obviously don't tell me the name of the town but what's the rough population in the town.
[15:30] Uh it's 60 000 i believe is the population okay.
[15:38] So there'd be some number of disabled people there is there any kind of group or.
[15:42] There there is um over the summer i was trying i mean i'm uh i'm a pretty avid golfer and um he wanted to join me in golfing so we so we got him like a um uh a driver that it it basically has like a little gunshot bullet and it'll fire the golf ball um so he'd come with me to do that and there's a group um in our town that they go out with disabled people and you know go golfing or do some sorts of activity but i mean he has quite a pushback when it comes to um doing that sort of stuff um and i i try to i try to ask him why exactly you know like wouldn't you rather go out and socialize i mean i understand that it's like like his pushback is very much like he doesn't want to um, He doesn't want to be boxed in that he has a disability. I mean, being around a disabled person, you kind of see people treat him like he's a child constantly. And I think he's under the... I mean, this is my conclusion, of course, but I think he's under the thought process of he just doesn't want to be around people that treat him like he's five years old, you know?
[17:09] Sorry it's the other disabled people would treat him as a child.
[17:12] No the people that help um, like i he's had aids um all throughout school and like going to public school he he had an aid and um just just being around him you you see like his peers treat him like they don't they don't talk to him like they would talk to me i don't know if that makes any sense but they They talk to him like he is, I don't know a better word to describe it than talk to him like he's a child. Like when you talk to a child, it's all like positive and no negative. You're filtering out any of the complex stuff about life, any difficulties that... Makes life hard so it's all like very surface level and very happy and not um, not like actually caring about his situation it feels no.
[18:31] I i understand that i mean aids are not paid much right so you're going to get less competent or capable people and infantilizing would be most people's default response uh so yeah i i kind of understand that um, but what about the other disabled people they wouldn't be doing that to him right.
[18:54] No i don't think so i mean part part of the issue too is um you know i when he was in school there would be a couple times like he wouldn't have an aid and i'd go to school with him to help him um And like he got put in the class with all the other disabled people. And you could tell that he felt like it was unfair because it's like being put with, you know, what's the word I'm looking for? Like people that aren't mentally competent.
[19:27] Yeah, I don't know what the latest term is. Challenged, handicapped. I know retard is out. So although when I was a kid, mongoloid was the term and retarded was brought in because mongoloid was out. So it's just it's this constant word shuffle. But yeah, developmentally handicapped, delayed, whatever you want to say. So where he only has a physical, which is not to say that that's not terrible, but he only has a physical issue, whereas he was then he would be put in with the people who have mental issues, too, right?
[19:57] Yes, correct. And I think that's, he has the thought, which I think he's right there too. Like these groups, you know, they have other, like people with Down syndrome and others that aren't like intellectually all there, you know.
[20:17] Right, right. Yeah, I mean, unless you're a billionaire, I mean, what good answers are there? I mean, if you're going to go with the aides who are making minimum wage, they're not going to be super skilled in these areas, because if they had the intelligence to be super skilled, they wouldn't be aides, right?
[20:35] Right.
[20:35] So, I mean, other than winning the lottery, even that is only going to get you more competent aides, but it's all just filling in a hole that keeps emptying out, right?
[20:50] Yeah, exactly. Okay.
[20:55] And how old are you.
[20:58] I'm 24 I just turned 24 this last year okay.
[21:05] Now, you were saying that you have concern about taking care of your brother. Step me through that. Are your parents in their 40s, 50s?
[21:20] Mid-50s.
[21:21] Mid-50s. Okay. So they've got another 30 years to go, right?
[21:25] Right, right.
[21:26] I mean, assuming averages, right? So they've got another 30 years to go, so then your brother will be in his 50s. And your parents, of course, will have to, I mean, they'll have assets, and when they die, those assets, I'm sure they'll talk to lawyers, and they will put those assets, they will have the lawyer sell those assets, or maybe you, and put those assets into a trust fund to make sure that your brother gets the care he needs for his life, right?
[22:00] Right.
[22:01] It's your parents' job. I see no no i i really want to be clear about this it's your parents job, right they chose to have a child they chose to keep that child right, so it's not your responsibility you are a sibling not a parent you did not make these choices, So, you are, I mean, morally, you are not responsible for taking care in a primary way. And I'm not saying you don't have affection, love towards your brother or anything like that. And I'm not saying, you know, it's not a good thing to spend time with him. But in terms of foundational responsibility, that's your parents.
[23:05] Okay. Yeah, I suppose that's where, you know, I feel conflicted emotionally anyways, because I understand that, but it's... It's seeing the job that they're doing. It just feels, um, I suppose it feels inadequate. So I feel like I have to step up to, but I understand what you're saying. And I've definitely had that thought as well.
[23:48] Um, Well, what would you like to see happen that's not happening with your parents?
[24:00] Well, I would like to see them try to get him more involved socially, which I think they've tried, but he's, just the way he's grown up, I think he's grown to be stubborn which also I think is a result of the parenting as well um, I mean, what I'd like to see is, you know, them take him out to do more social events for him to gain more friends. And I suppose, you know, he is an adult as well, so he does have a responsibility to do that himself.
[24:53] Well, he doesn't like being treated like a child, right?
[24:56] Right.
[24:57] So it's his job to make friends.
[25:00] Right.
[25:01] I mean, what is he? He doesn't want to be treated like a five-year-old, but he wants people to set up playdates?
[25:07] That's yeah that's a pretty good point.
[25:10] No if he wants to socialize then he'll have to find ways to socialize, and at the age of 22 and listen i have nothing but sympathy for his his physical disability this is this is really really tough really tough and it is always the basic question of how independent do we encourage people with disabilities to become? How much responsibility do we put upon them? And it tends to be, at least with physical disabilities, it tends to be a contradiction in that if we don't treat them as if we're in charge and they are deficient in significant skills, and this would be, you know, social and friend-making and friend-keeping skills. If we kind of take charge, they get annoyed because we're infantilizing them, right?
[26:08] Right.
[26:09] But if we don't take charge, then they tend to self-isolate and then get depressed and complain about that. I have some experience in these areas, which is not to say that my experience makes me any kind of expert or gives me any kind of insight that necessarily matches with yours. But that's my understanding of some of the challenges.
[26:35] Yeah, I mean, that definitely, I mean, from my experience, that definitely matches my personal experience.
[26:50] Well, and there is also, there is a, and it happens, I think, at the level of the gut brain, when people see crippled people, they do recoil at a very instinctual level. Because, of course, for most of our evolution, we didn't have antivirals, antibiotics, we didn't, you know, we didn't even have soap. And so when you are around someone who is physically crippled most people have an instinctual recoil that's programmed into us because there's a perception that it's transferable if that makes sense or there's a risk.
[27:31] Right well i mean it's also you know you're gonna have to take care of that person um and they're not really.
[27:38] Well we don't really evolve for that because i mean how well would your brother have done you know 2 000 years ago.
[27:48] Yeah not not well at all.
[27:49] He probably wouldn't have made it out of the single digits right so it's kind of like if if if you've had this experience where you've been on on a bus or something and there's somebody just coughing like crazy you don't want to sit next to them right, right we just have this and you know we can say it's good or bad it doesn't really matter i mean we can understand the evolutionary purpose behind it it's it's down to like it's it's it's at a level of like cooties or something.
[28:18] Yeah definitely and um you know through through my childhood i've definitely had that um you know feeling towards him which isn't i don't exactly like it but it's it's the fact of.
[28:34] Well i mean we can like it or not like it but it's it did keep us alive right you know i mean nobody it did not make much sense to go hug someone with leprosy or smallpox right right so we have an instinctual, drive to keep our distance from sick people, now of course and of course evolutionarily speaking we didn't really know anything about genetics or anything so so when the average person would see somebody who was really sick, now maybe maybe it's only uh maybe it's only a 50 chance that it's communicable, maybe it's only a 10 chance that it's communicable but if you look at the cost benefits right, people have an unconscious association of being around your brother means ending up like your brother and again we can understand that and really there's no there's no point criticizing it really because that really was the only distance was the only protection we had through most of our evolution hmm, When it comes to mental disabilities, the idea that there could be a brain parasite or something like that is, it's the cost-benefit, right?
[30:00] Right.
[30:01] What is the potential cost of being around a sick person from an evolutionary standpoint? And what are the benefits? Well, the benefits do not outweigh the costs. And the cost-benefit is calculated at a gut level.
[30:18] Right.
[30:21] So i don't know i don't know that it's just a matter of, your parents just encouraging more socialization because you're you're, you're trying to act against a very gut level response in people now a gut level response again i'm not saying it's it's you know moral or immoral we can dislike it all we want but it is kind of what kept our ancestors alive and we can say well it's not appropriate to this situation and then that's absolutely right and fair but asking people to reprogram their entire gut sense for the sake of what yeah well and and that sounds like a negative comment my positive comment is that your brother if he's going to socialize he's going to have to develop something that makes it worthwhile because it is awkward for a lot of people they don't know what to say they don't know if they should refer to it they don't know if they should ignore it there is an instinctual.
[31:33] Um there is an instinctual response to treat people as less mature than they are when they're ill and that doesn't come out of nowhere because people who've had lifelong you know crippling issues like your brother are going to lack maturity in certain areas just because they haven't gone through the normal rough and tumble of childhood. So he's going to have to find a way to make it worth people's while to get to know him. And is that fair? No? Does it matter? I mean, we all need to, and I'm not obviously trying to put everyone in the same category, but we all have to compensate for something.
[32:09] Right.
[32:10] I mean, nobody's perfect, right?
[32:12] Right.
[32:13] So, I mean, there's a theory that large breasts evolved as a way to make up for less intelligence on the part of the women and make them more attractive or something like that. I mean, nature is constantly tinkering and constantly compensating for various things. One of the reasons the foreskin evolved was to try and scoop out the sperm that might already be in the birth canal if the woman was having sex with multiple partners. So there's a constant, you know, cat and mouse game in society. I mean.
[32:49] I have to compensate for some of my more unacceptable ideas or arguments with humor, stories, charisma, and sometimes a more even-tempered approach than I feel on the inside. And so, again, I'm not trying to obviously put myself in the category of your brother, but if you look at your own life, everybody has to compensate for something. I ended up because you know i came with this this fruity british accent to the colonies i had to end up being a a tougher guy than i would normally have been i ended up having to you know climb trees and and learn to skateboard and learn how to really hit well in in baseball and and to and you know swim team water polo cross country running tennis like i had to do a lot of athletic stuff, because otherwise everyone thought I was vaguely gay. Right? So again, I'm not trying to put myself anywhere near the category of your brother, but one of the reasons that I really worked to develop a positive and enjoyable way of talking to women was because I lost my hair young.
[34:05] So everyone has to compensate. Now, again, I'm not saying it's fair or right, but your brother, if he's going to socialize, he's going to have to find, something within himself that is going to compensate for some people's instinctual avoidance of his ailment.
[34:26] I don't know what that is. Maybe it's being really funny. Maybe it's telling great stories. Maybe it's being a wealth of interesting information. Like maybe, you know, well, we can't, we can't, I know you guys are young, dinner party's not much of a thing. But, you know, when you get older, you know, there's a sort of myth or a cliche that says, oh, you could dine out for years on that story. Right like if you met hugh jackman at an airport and you got into a a an arm wrestling competition or something like that i mean that's just such a wild story that you're going to be invited to dinner parties oh tell that hugh jackman story this is wild right and then you tell if you're good at telling the story and it's an interesting story and you know hopefully a true one then you're going to be welcome at the dinner table oh be sure to invite so-and-so i mean he's got the greatest stories and again i i don't know what it would be it could be that he gets really still and deep and is able to ask people really important questions lord knows i've done that at times at dinner parties it could be that he studies self-knowledge and and causality it could be like he's gonna need to do something to compensate for the negatives of his ailment and.
[35:46] And he's going to say, well, why should I have to do that? And it's like, because you're a human being, we all have to compensate for stuff. Well, I have to compensate for a lot. Yeah, that's tough, man. That is tough. And your alternative is what?
[35:59] Right.
[35:59] Right. Because this is the unfair thing, right? And it's, of course, completely unfair what happened with your brother. It's absolutely unfair. And human society is in no way evolved for this. And it is unfair. And the alternative is what? You know, was it fair that you guys have sort of shallow, boomer town, materialistic, kind of selfish parents? No. Was it fair that my father took off and my mother was violent and crazy? No, it wasn't fair. And so my alternative is what?
[36:43] Yeah, you can't. it's not like you can turn the time back and do something different or.
[36:48] Well no but even genetically change him i mean i tried to run away and that didn't work so my alternative is what well my alternative is to compensate like life is a constant conveyor belt of shitty things that happens from time to time right and your alternative this is a general philosophy thing it's like your alternative is what so uh my mother was crazy my family was largely corrupt and my educational institutions were idiotic, and I got no comfort, curiosity or morals, from my church. Okay. So nobody could teach me how to live and nobody modeled a life that I wanted.
[37:34] That's not right. I mean, society should be teaching kids how to live and what's right and wrong. Otherwise, we're kind of like savages. So okay so i had to compensate for the insanity nihilism and corruption of my childhood by focusing on moral philosophy okay if nobody's going to teach me how to live, and nobody's going to teach me how to think i guess i'll have to learn how to think on my own, now that has been a great benefit i mean i'm sort of half and half honestly i mean at this point because at this point in my life and please i'm not trying to make this all about me i'm trying to make this about compensating for things but at this point in my life it's all upside, you know all of the shit that was shoveled in my face when i was a kid you know year after year country after country, decade after decade. The negatives of all of that are long gone. I have nothing left but the positives.
[38:41] So right now, it seems like a pretty good deal. And I think that's what you want to do in life, is you want to get to a point where you say, it's good that the bad things happened because I got maximum value out of them and became a better person because of it. Now, what your brother has been handed is staggering. And the most difficult thing about it is the excuse factor.
[39:15] Yeah, definitely.
[39:16] I mean, because he has, I mean, the guy's in a wheelchair. He has the ultimate excuse and the ultimate cause of bitterness, frustration, depression, alienation, and anger. And I, listen, man, I'm not disagreeing with him about that at all. And if he wants to call in, I'd be more than happy to chat. But the real disability are the excuses. Because that's something you could do something about.
[39:56] Yeah i definitely um i mean if your brother is.
[39:59] Complaining about being isolated or what was when he was depressed you said he was depressed and i don't want you to go deep into his mind because he's not on the call but what were his major complaints.
[40:12] His major complaints is i mean of course the disability but then um you know over the past year he has kind of had a realization that he probably won't have a wife and have like a normal family situation and i mean from my perspective it's like well yeah no duh um but i suppose because that's been the lead cause of him slipping into depression anyways. Yep.
[40:44] And that is very tough. And that is very tough. And my personal feeling, this is just my personal feeling, this is not any kind of prescription for action, is when people have a negative realization, I will give them a certain amount of time to be pissed off and unhappy about it. But not too long.
[41:13] Because then they wear grooves in their brain that they can't get out of.
[41:22] Yeah.
[41:24] Now, I don't want to get into the physiology, but let's say that he can't father children, at least the old-fashioned way. Okay. That's really tough. But there are a lot of infertile women out there in this world. So he can be a husband even if he can't be a father.
[41:51] Yeah and i mean um i've i guess i haven't told him that specifically but i've said before you know i mean you can't be a father but you can definitely be a good uncle or you know no.
[42:03] No but he it's for his life right.
[42:04] Right right yeah that's fair so.
[42:09] The challenge is and and and it's a big challenge, you know, and I'm not underestimating it at all. But the challenge is, yes, you got a shitty deal. Through no fault of your own, you got a shitty deal. How are you going to make it good? Because the shitty deal is a constant, but your response to it is a variable. Okay, you know, Snap out of it bro Okay yeah you got it You got a shitty deal Snap out of it bro Okay how are you going to get a girl, How are you going to get a girl, Now most likely he's going to Try and find a girl Who's got a similar issue that he has.
[43:06] Hmm. Right.
[43:08] Because, and don't tell me if he does or doesn't, because, you know, but if he doesn't have sexual function, then he's going to probably need a girl who also doesn't have sexual function, right?
[43:19] Right.
[43:19] So he's going to have to go and find a girl who's like himself, and he's going to have to lead them both, or they lead each other out of the valley of the shadow of despair.
[43:31] Hmm. Yeah, I mean, that makes a lot of sense to me.
[43:42] And if he can summon the emotional strength and energy, then maybe he can lead other people out of despair through his knowledge and example. Because, you know, you and I talking to him about his ailment is only going to have a certain amount of credibility, but if somebody else has his ailment and is able to talk about it with him and give him some sense of potential and enthusiasm, he'd listen to that person a lot more, right?
[44:15] Right.
[44:19] So maybe he could be that person for others. I mean, there's a fellow uh on social media who uh has a a really terrible disability his hands have turned into those little claws and and it's just awful and he is hilarious, now again i'm not saying that everybody has these particular talents and skills but if he uses his disability to unlock his potential.
[45:00] Then he has a better, a path forward anyways.
[45:06] He has a path forward. And I know the incredibly, it's satanic, the seductive, the seductive power of excuses. The despair, I can't, nobody's going to want me, I'm too crippled, I'm too this, I'm too that. I understand that, I really do. Lord knows lord knows the universe handed me about a billion excuses to be a bad person, society i really feel this genuinely like society was cattle prodding me and cornering me into becoming an absolutely terrible human being.
[45:47] By leaving me alone with this crazy violent woman and attacking and mocking and humiliating me every time I asked for help and siding with her. Society was just like goading me into attacking it. Man, I tell you, it was brutal. And fighting that beast was really tough. And I started down that path. And I had to like grit my teeth and say I am not I am not going to be goaded, into rage slashing society as a whole, because society is full of such absolutely terrible people, I am going to try and become some kind of light in this world, right? I mean, the fact that you went through grave difficulties as a child, the fact that I went through grave difficulties as a child means that we can have a more concise and authentic and credible conversation, right?
[46:57] Yeah, definitely.
[46:58] I mean, if I'd been raised in a perfectly happy, peacefully parented household, it would be a little tough for me to talk to you about these things in a way that would be credible for you, right?
[47:08] Yeah.
[47:13] So, the challenge is when you are struck down by genetics, by society, by bad parenting, by predatory priests or abusive teachers or whatever, right? The grave danger is to end up thinking mostly about yourself. I'm unhappy. I have this problem. I have this disability. I have this, I, I, me, me, I. It becomes very solipsistic, right? You think about yourself and your own problems all the time. And that leads you gravely into the danger of the bottomless pit of self-biddy and self-regard. Navel-gazing, we used to call you to stare at your own belly button. The real challenge is to surmount that which is dragging you down and think about the world.
[48:10] So for me, it's like, okay, well, I was, you know, kicked around like a pigskin football when I was a kid. How can I leverage that or how can I judo that to help the world as a whole so that it's not about me and my sadness and my problems and my instability and my whatever, right? But to focus on benefiting the world as a whole is the best way to get out of the narcissism of being victimized.
[48:40] You have to do the opposite. Because, I mean, I won't speak for you, but my parents harmed me because they were selfish. So, the best way to not be like my parents is to not be selfish, to be selfless, to focus on what I can do to benefit others rather than focus on how I was harmed. Because my mother would grab me and abuse me in order to try and maintain some, precarious mental stability on her own. She felt she was going mad and the only way she could not go mad was to get angry, to blame, to assert her will. And so she used me as the instant band-aid for her own ever-widening wounds.
[49:30] And so for me, to go and help others is to do the opposite of what my parents did and that's pretty good, so the challenge for your brother and again i i recognize that the size of the challenge is to say yeah that's that's a shitty situation so how are you going to turn it into a good.
[50:03] And this is what I mean about the balance. So I'm, at this point in my life, I won't say, I won't say I'm glad I was abused, because that just sounds masochistic. But I will say this, I look around at my life and the good that I'm doing and the family that I have and the friends that I have and the life that I have, and I say, I have made the maximum good out of the maximum evil.
[50:33] And I would not have the maximum good without the maximum evil. That's just a simple fact. I would not be as rational if I had not been raised by a crazy woman. I would not be as focused on helping others if I had not been exploited as a child. I would not have the life that I have as an adult, which I love, if I had not have the life that I hated as a child. So I'm not going to say I'm glad, but I will say that I'm in the decades of all the benefits. And I would say that on balance, it's a plus for me. And that kind of alchemy to turn this kind of horror into something that is a plus is a magic transformative power that human consciousness and virtue alone is capable of.
[51:35] I mean, if you think of the number of victims of child abuse, adult victims of child abuse that I've helped, and the millions of people, tens of millions, hundreds of millions of people who have listened and will listen, the peaceful parenting book the non-aggression principle the spanking is a violation, of the nap or all of this kind of stuff the billions of instances of child abuse that has been ended is the world as a whole and and let's say that this is only the result of me being abused as a child is the world as a whole happier that i was abused yes i mean i know it sounds weird i know it does but the world is far better off because my mother was violent to me and crazy not just the violent but the crazy was even worse right so the world, would i mean millions of people around the world would kneel in the direction of my mother and anchor. I mean, imagine if a resource like what I do did not exist, how would things have gone with your girlfriend?
[52:52] Oh man, I can't even, yeah, I mean, not well.
[53:00] Well, this is the kind of woman who might create a false accusation. This is the kind of woman who would get pregnant and then put you through family courts. And what is it, like 12 men a day who are going through the family court system kill themselves? It could have been absolutely life-saving. Even just getting where you are with more honest conversations with your parents is a big thing. Sorry, I've talked a lot, so go ahead.
[53:27] No, you're definitely right. I think back to that relationship. And part of the reason that blew up the relationship was me listening to you more avidly and me talking more truly about what I believe. And if I wouldn't have done that, I could have moved to where she was and got married. and, you know, it would have been a whole, yeah, and the parents thing too. I mean, I never would have even thought, like, I don't know if, well, maybe, but probably not, probably more than unlikely that I would have confronted my parents or done any of the stuff I did in the last year.
[54:08] Right, so you would have moved to got married to this woman, she would have got pregnant fairly quickly, and then when she had all of this power and control and the infinite armies of the state, But in the relationship, I mean, she would have just tortured you into oblivion, I assume.
[54:25] Yeah, yeah. I think that's definitely fair to assume.
[54:28] So let me ask you this. Are you happy that I was abused as a child? Are you happier?
[54:35] I suppose, yes, I am happy.
[54:37] I mean, and I'm not trying to catch you out or make you say anything foolish, but I'm happy now that I was abused as a child. I won't go so far as to say it's good that I was abused as a child, because otherwise, peaceful parenting would be a different kind of book. Be sure to abuse your children so they end up pursuing virtue, because it's a real dice roll, right? It can go either way. But you're better off because I was abused as a child.
[55:05] I'm better off because I was abused as a child now. and tens of millions of people around the world are better off because I was abused as a child and there are tens of millions of children around the world who are better off because I was abused as a child.
[55:24] I mean, it's kind of ironic.
[55:26] It is kind of ironic, absolutely. Absolutely. And even if we were to look into my influence on the political realm, I mean, we won't go into that in any particular detail, but I've certainly done some good in the political realm.
[55:46] And that has had really some positive effects in the world. Or if you just look and say um you know the people who got into the bitcoin when i was talking about it when it was like a buck right i mean the people who got into bitcoin you know tens of thousands of people have become or hundreds of thousands of people have become significantly wealthy because i was abused as a child you know it's like yeah yeah you know let's say somebody made a million bucks off of bitcoin and they say well Stef only did his show because he was abused as a child are you are you are you happy that Stef was abused as a child they'd be like well kind of right yeah you know what i mean like it it's it's it's complicated and you want to make it complicated and this comes out of something that i read as a kid right which is that you you take you know whatever the devil tempts you with you do the opposite so the devil tempted me with anti-rationality so I went to reason the devil tempted me with violence so I went with the non-aggression principle the devil tempted me with aggression so I went with assertion instead which is the opposite so again I'm really I'm honestly trying I'm really not trying to make this all about me but what I am saying is that that's the challenge that is laid at the feet of your brother, hello no sorry about that.
[57:15] No it's just fine.
[57:17] I was uh i was sitting in a nice warm spot and the computer was in full sunlight and it's funny because i was just like hey i wonder if that thing's gonna overheat and then it was like apparently it will so sorry about that so yeah and that's just my you know the challenge to your brother is okay how are you going to turn this into a positive because your alternative is what right just let it roll you over and and again you know it's a it's a it's a big ask and he's every right to say it's not fair absolutely it's not fair and we accept that and now what and now what you know i i had a friend when i was growing up um he had her family was well off he had a swimming pool really nice house he never had to work he got to spend all summer reading wonderful books on philosophy and economics and I was like working three jobs and crazy mother and all of that and I'm looking and saying well that's not fair it isn't and so make it fair now it's fair I honestly I think I'm.
[58:35] Doing better than than he did make it fair so how how's your brother going to make it all right how's your brother going to make it worthwhile is he going to let it roll him over and i'm sorry to use this about a guy in a wheelchair but is he going to find a way to turn it into a positive, that's a big ask but the alternative is what, just yeah i.
[59:05] Mean yeah be bitter and get no friend or have no friends and i mean it's not a great alternative.
[59:14] Well i mean he has the opportunity to be somebody who inspires real deep and powerful courage in the hearts and minds of others. He can be a fucking beacon, if he wants, where people can say, holy crap, look at what this guy's doing. And I'm complaining because my boss can be annoying. Like, he has the capacity to bring such courage, integrity, and resolution to the world that he will shame all the petty people on the planet. And, you know, sometimes our own pettiness needs to be shamed.
[1:00:04] Right? Because we all get petty and we all, you know, was it the other day? I was uh i was playing a game uh a board game and the um the dice rolls it was computer game and the dice rolls were just terrible like i just got nothing right and i literally caught myself getting annoyed and it's like oh come on man do you imagine if i'm on my deathbed i'm looking back and saying yeah i remember that time when the dice rolls went badly on that computer program, oh man that was tough i mean this dying bit that's okay but that was tough, i mean our own pettiness needs to be sometimes you know i mean i wouldn't say shamed necessarily but we need to get that perspective right and.
[1:00:51] Put into check.
[1:00:51] Right in.
[1:00:52] A sense right.
[1:00:53] Right so i mean like i had cancer and was that fair no i didn't do risky things that would bring it about, but uh yeah some bad luck so i have made it my resolution to stay as healthy as humanly possible and instead of cancer taking time from my life it's going to add years to my life i i plan i aim to add at least another five years to my life by you know working out 10 hours a week and and maintaining a healthy weight and uh and and getting sunlight and like i'm aiming to have that, you know fuck cancer it's going to add years to my life, so for the last five years of my life I would look back and say damn I'm so glad I had cancer otherwise I would have been dead before now, Now, that's obviously not the case with everyone. I happen to have something which I could kick, but, um, but yeah, I mean, that's, uh, what's my alternative? Be bitter? Oh, it's not fair. It's not fair. So what? How are you going to make it into a good?
[1:02:09] Yeah that definitely gives me um a good uh perspective that at least i can, because i mean it's not my responsibility of course you know he's an adult and he can make his own choices but i can at least help try to guide him in that uh having that mindset You know.
[1:02:30] One of the really tough things in life is to tell people with genuine complaints, stop complaining. And it's tough for others. It's sometimes even tougher for ourselves, right?
[1:02:46] Right.
[1:02:47] To say to people, including ourselves, who have genuine complaints, stop complaining.
[1:02:54] Well, who's going to tell a guy in a wheelchair, you know, stop complaining?
[1:02:57] Right, because it feels like you're being a real jerk, right?
[1:03:00] Yeah, right, right.
[1:03:01] And I get that. And that's the real, I mean, sorry, I won't say that's the real disability because of course it's not. But that's the disability you can do something about. He can't do anything about his genetics, right? But the disability you can do something about is the self-pity and the sense of resentment, rage, and unfairness. And I assume that, is your brother religious?
[1:03:30] He is, yes. He actually, let's see, I think two years ago now, he read the whole Bible. So he is religious. I try to, I mean, he kind of has a thing where like, I read the whole Bible, I know all the stuff. And it's like, well, you know, you kind of have to, it's not exactly an easy book to read and then just apply the knowledge.
[1:03:55] Does he believe that God has a plan for him?
[1:04:00] Yes, I believe so.
[1:04:01] And what do you mean you believe so?
[1:04:04] Yes, I know so Okay.
[1:04:05] So he believes that God has a plan for him And, What is Roughly God's plan for him?
[1:04:22] I don't think he I don't think he has Come to any conclusions yet On.
[1:04:30] That Is God's plan for him To complain and say things are unfair, No Okay So he should stop doing that Because that's not God's plan And again, we all have the emotional backwash and pullback and tide comes in, but that should be the commitment, I think, right?
[1:04:52] Right.
[1:04:57] So, he either exists in the ragged periphery of society, or he's going to have to take some sort of central role. Because if he can overcome the anger and resentment which every human being with half a heart can completely and deeply understand and sympathize with if he can overcome that holy crap, what a powerhouse he will be, You know, the purpose of life, in many ways, is to be the kind of person where people say, almost against their will, I've never met anyone like that. And that's what the NPCs are so terrified of, right? Stepping outside the painted squares and so on, right? Those ants with the sharpies around them.
[1:05:58] Right, right.
[1:05:59] I've never met anyone like that. That's what it is, to be truly yourself. Right? It's an old Oscar Wilde. Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. So if people can meet your brother and be like, what a life force and what obstacles, then they can stop looking at their obstacles as purely negative. They can stop looking at their negatives as purely negative. So because i mean any.
[1:06:35] Any negative they have is going to be compared to i mean it's just so obvious yeah.
[1:06:40] Right so the way i look at it is um when i was a kid my daughter's fantastic at this i was a long jumper i did the long jump now in order to jump further on the long jump you have to first walk away from it, right? You have to go up and look and see, okay, here's the line where I got to jump. And then you have to walk a fair ass amount away from the long jump. And because you do that, then you get that weird skippy runny jump thing, and then you do your big jump, right? And then, you know, later you get knee replacement surgery, but that's a story for another time. So, it looks like you're walking away, but you're actually gathering distance and the potential for strength and speed to do a fantastic job.
[1:07:39] So, if somebody didn't know, they'd say, well, hang on, why is he walking away? Why is he going the opposite direction? It's like, so he can do a better jump. So, why is life moving you away from the jump so you can jump better? And, again, he's got the challenge. And there are a lot of people who will look at your brother in his position and say, I would be beyond miserable in his shoes. I understand that. I understand that. I mean, obviously not even one billionth of a percent. But, you know, I still see the people, you know, occasionally online. They'll be like, oh, yeah, Stef, that guy totally vanished. He's gone, man. He must be so depressed. You know, his audience was taken and de-platformed. Yeah, but I'm not.
[1:08:42] Yeah, right, right.
[1:08:43] I say that I'm not depressed and I sound like I'm dying here. But I'm not. I mean, personally, I think I've done some of my best work in the last couple of years. so, if you can put yourself in a position where everyone thinks they would be miserable and you yourself are enthusiastic wow that is a powerful thing to do, because it shatters people's belief that they are at the mercy of circumstances and accidents and that it is not what happens to you in life but what you do with it that counts otherwise we're helpless, so that's the challenge with regards to your brother and he's going to say I don't have it in me it's too hard and I get all of that I absolutely get all of that but he's a Christian right?
[1:09:52] He is yes.
[1:09:53] So he worships a guy who got dragged through the streets had a crown of thorns jammed on his head and was crucified and took a long time to die hmm, And if Jesus could do that, your brother can find some positivity in his circumstances. The purpose of worshipping Jesus is not to kneel before him like you're not worthy. The purpose of worshipping Jesus is to emulate his virtues, is it not?
[1:10:33] Yes.
[1:10:34] What would Jesus do? Well, Jesus would find a way to bring comfort to the afflicted. I mean, because everybody remembers Calvary and so on, but they forget that for many, many years before that, Jesus was threatened and persecuted by the authorities.
[1:11:00] Mm-hmm.
[1:11:06] So, if your brother can get something like that going in his heart, and yes, I understand, it's a, you could say it's a big ask, but it's a big offer, and his alternative is what? I mean, it's terrifying, right? So for me, talking about all the controversial stuff that I talked about, okay, but the alternative is what? To be silent when I have a unique voice and ability to talk radical truths to the world, to be silent, say, oh, well, but that ended up with me being de-platformed. Okay, sure. Yeah, I get that. But I would much rather be de-platformed than have a bad conscience.
[1:11:53] Right?
[1:11:53] It's far better to suffer wrong than to do wrong. And if I had kept silent about important issues, then even if i still even if i had you know five times the audience now, that i had back then even if i made i don't know more money or something like that, i would have a bad conscience i'd be looking into that camera and that camera would be staring back saying liar right i wouldn't have really the love of my wife i wouldn't have the love of my daughter i wouldn't have the respect of my friends i wouldn't have my self-respect, so people say oh but you got deplatformed it's like and i have a good conscience, and i would infinitely prefer i infinitely prefer a good conscience, to an audience, so i think that's that's the challenge the more you suffer the more I've asked of you to be enthusiastic and positive, and the alternative is what? To say to people well I don't like my life I hate my life but you should want to spend time with me. That's not going to work.
[1:13:15] No.
[1:13:18] So he has to find a way to love his life. He has to find a way to turn the negatives that were inflicted upon him by blind nature into positives.
[1:13:45] I see. That definitely helps a lot. Now, I know I don't have any choice in what he does, but I at least have an idea of how I can help nurture that.
[1:14:04] Well, and I say this all with an eye to your dating prospects, because you are, in some ways, you would be the equivalent of a single mom if you're responsible for your brother.
[1:14:16] Right.
[1:14:19] Because, of course, a woman who took on you as a marriage partner would then also be taking in on your eternally dependent brother if that were the way it would play out.
[1:14:31] Right. So the more dependent he can be, the less it has that negative effect anyways.
[1:14:45] The more independent he can be yeah yeah for sure yeah for sure i mean uh if you think about of course i mean it's pretty easy conceptually right but if you think about being uh in the dating market and you meet a there are two women right uh and these two women one of them does not have a a brother with the ailment that you have and that your brother has and another one does the one who does who feels very much responsible and is going to take care of her her brother for the rest of her life that is i mean let's just look at it from a real practical standpoint right that is resources away from your children right, and that's a big deal like we are we are programmed to provide like by nature and again this is not to say we can't overcome it, but this nonetheless is a fact. But we are programmed, to provide maximum resources to our children, right?
[1:15:48] Right.
[1:15:49] Which is why a lot of men don't want to date women who already have children. Because those women's primary loyalty is going to be to their children. And, you know, I mean, let's say that the woman has three kids, and then she has one kid with the new guy, and the new guy brings home a pizza. Is he going to be able to say, no, no, no, this is for my kid?
[1:16:13] No, no, he won't.
[1:16:14] No, three-quarters of his resources are going to go towards genes that aren't his. That does not work from an evolutionary standpoint. It does not work from an instinct or emotional standpoint. And also, usually, the single mother complains about her ex. And she says to the new guy, you're way better than my ex. Like, he was, he cheated on me. He wouldn't get a job. He was lazy. He was abusive, right? She'll always say that. You're wonderful, right?
[1:16:48] Right.
[1:16:49] So then he's pouring his resources into a bad guy's offspring and has far fewer resources to provide to his hopefully more quality offspring, right?
[1:17:03] Hmm.
[1:17:05] It just goes against every instinct and grain that men as a whole have.
[1:17:11] Right.
[1:17:13] So, in the same way, if a woman looks at you and she sees, oh, this guy has a crushing obligation to his brother who is, you know, bitter, angry, and depressed, and this is going to happen for the next 60 years, that's a big negative.
[1:17:33] Right, right.
[1:17:36] Because she's not going to be in control of your mood if your mood is going to be pulled around by your brother's mood. And your brother can't be in control of his mood if his mood is directly the consequence of his physical circumstances.
[1:17:51] Hmm.
[1:17:53] Because he's not in control of his physical circumstances. Like, we want our moods to be in control. Like, am I in control? Again, I know it's a stupid example. Obviously, I accept that. But am I in control of the dice roll that the computer has? I am not. I'm in control of whether I view it as amusing or annoying.
[1:18:10] Hmm.
[1:18:15] So, women, like men, we like to think that people are a lot more sentimental than they are, but they're really not. We are still evolutionary mammals. And if a woman looks and says, okay, so how many resources will be taken away from my children by this great guy's brother? And the answer is probably going to be a lot. Time, effort, energy, potentially money, support, phone calls. And then, you know, you're going to have a frustrating call with your brother because he's going to be down and negative. That's going to affect your mood for a couple of days. Then he's going to call back. And this is a variable that she does not want in the relationship.
[1:19:09] Right.
[1:19:10] Now, again, we can get all kinds of abstract and say, ah, yes, but she should have sympathy. and yeah okay i i get all of that i get all of that.
[1:19:17] But that doesn't um that's just that doesn't uh take away the reality of the.
[1:19:24] Well it's the old wouldn't it be nice if but i mean that's kind of communism like wouldn't it be nice if people just worked for the benefit of others with no sense of profit right it's like well i mean i don't know i don't know but wouldn't it be nice if if human beings didn't need food and could live on sunlight wouldn't that be nice, yeah be a lot more efficient uh but we don't right we need our we need our food so, you know wouldn't when women say like wouldn't it be nice if men only cared about the quality of a woman's character rather than just her looks, as if the two are completely separate, right? I mean, the quality of a woman's character is shown to some degree by how attractive she is. Because a woman who has quality of character would want to please and be attractive to the man that she wants to marry. And so if she lets herself get, you know, ugly, obese, out of shape or whatever, I'm not talking about the stuff that's beyond your control, like the height and, you know, cheekbones or whatever, right? But I'm talking about just general physical attributes that you have control of.
[1:20:46] Stuff that you can, you're right.
[1:20:47] Right. So, if a woman cares about men as a whole and the man that she wants to marry, then she will know that he will be attracted to a woman who is slender and reasonably fit.
[1:21:06] Right.
[1:21:06] And and that's having empathy towards men so a woman's physique again not the stuff that she can't control like you know breast size or whatever right but a woman's physique shows whether she has basic empathy towards men or whether she's delusional and and selfish like you should love me even though i'm 200 pounds which is tragically common in america these days in particular right you you should love me because i'm 200 pounds is narcissistic because it's not having empathy for what a man is looking for i mean that's like the car salesman trying to sell, a porsche boxster to a guy who's got six kids because he gets more commission that's just selfish right you have to do something that appeals to your customer so but yeah women who were like well men's preferences men's sexual and romantic preferences should be completely independent of a woman's looks or whether she was ever born a woman or a man it's just, it's just fundamentally not empathetic towards what men like and prefer and, anyway so wouldn't it be nice if it's like but it's not the case.
[1:22:24] Right and you you can say the exact opposite like wouldn't like men do this all the time where it's, wouldn't it be nice if a woman didn't care about how much money I had or, you know, that's like the male version of that.
[1:22:37] Sure. Yeah, yeah. Yes, that's right. That's right. Or it also wouldn't, a woman shouldn't care about, um yeah my money or or you know if i've got a little extra weight dad bod or something like that and it's like well but uh you know a woman wants the man to live a long time if she cares about him and if he doesn't take care of his health that's a negative and and so on and of course everybody wants sexuality to be separated from its purpose which is the pair bonding necessary to raise healthy children like a man shouldn't care about my looks it's like but your looks are a sign both of your character and of your genetics, which is very important for the healthy raising of children. And for a man, it's like, yeah, if you want me to have a bunch of kids, I'm going to be economically disabled, so your income matters. It's just a fact, your income matters.
[1:23:39] Right, right.
[1:23:41] I mean, if neither people want kids, right, that's fine. Then you know i suppose that they can say yeah it doesn't my income doesn't matter because neither of us want kids it's like okay but if you don't want kids and you're broke then you're just doing stupid jobs that don't go anywhere and you can't really do anything fun right because you you got to work all the time at some dumb job so you can't go travel it's one thing to say we don't want kids but if you don't want kids and you can't take vacations or travel or do much fun stuff then that's a really tragic life so so with regards to your brother looking at it from the outside of like okay if you are going to keep your brother in your life and obviously i have no say or opinion in that right that that's your your deal but let's say you're going to keep your brother in your life then you have to find a way to make him a plus to your potential girlfriend and your potential wife, Otherwise, you're just going to end up resenting him.
[1:24:45] Right.
[1:24:48] And this can be the challenge to say, you've got to find a way to be pumped and inspired about your life. You've got to find a way. There's no alternative. You know, if the train is going off a cliff and you say, well, it could be dangerous to jump, it's like, your alternative is what? Certain death. Right? And we make these choices all the time.
[1:25:16] So, if you can get him to become inspiring, then he becomes a net positive to your wife, your future wife.
[1:25:33] If he can find a way to get married himself and show a way forward, not just for himself, but for the community of people who are in his, shoes that net positive to the world as a whole that's a very good thing and yeah it's not fair you know but you know i i ended up with a far happier life because i was abused, because fuck the abusers right i'm not gonna let them win right i mean let them right this is the idea that you let satan's temptations drive your virtues if satan tempts you to lust you become more ascetic if satan tempts you to gluttony you eat less and if the world tempts me to madness and hatred i would go for reason and sanity, i don't want to we can't let the bad guys win that's that's like superman joining lex luther it's just.
[1:26:27] It's just demonic right.
[1:26:28] Right and so your brother cannot let his circumstances win, he just can't he got handed a shitty deal no question can't let it win he's got to find a way to be positive and enthusiastic and say look people are going to recoil from me a little bit because they don't know how to handle it and there's a gut level of like what if this is contagious and again i know it's not but statistically we couldn't take that chance when we were evolving and we have all of those evolutionary mechanisms so it's like okay, so how am I going to make up for the fact that people don't know how to deal with my disability, I have to be so positive and enthusiastic, that people will be drawn to me despite my physical challenges.
[1:27:24] Yeah that definitely makes a lot of sense to me.
[1:27:30] And that means you just have to let go of the excuses, because the excuses is how the bad shit gets you. It has you withdraw, recoil, complain. And of course, when you have something so visible and obvious to complain about, who's going to tell you to stop it and be positive?
[1:27:53] Right, right.
[1:27:54] It's a powerful club almost in a conversation, if that makes sense.
[1:28:00] Yeah, definitely.
[1:28:04] So I think that would be my approach with my brother.
[1:28:12] Yeah, that definitely gives me a lot of insight to what I can do to help with my brother. So now I feel like we kind of covered that pretty well. so now i guess where i sit in life i'm not exactly sure, which direction i want to go in because right now i live at home with my parents um i work a job um um i work about like 50 hours a week but like the my social community here is not no.
[1:28:49] Sorry why Why are you living at home if you're working?
[1:28:55] I guess I'm just living at home to save money.
[1:28:59] But if that, you know, everything has an upside and a downside, right?
[1:29:02] Right. The downside is, of course, that I'm around my parents. It's, uh... Right.
[1:29:16] I mean, have you thought about the downsides? I mean, I've certainly talked about them a million times on the show. Maybe you haven't heard those particular ones, but have you said, are my decisions worth it?
[1:29:28] I've heard some of, I mean, I listened to quite a few of the Colin shows that I've heard, like, when you're around your family of origin, then you're going to slip back into, like, you did a Colin show with a guy who moved back in with his family, and he said, you said that he was unable to negotiate because he moved back in with his parents and he's back into that habit of not being able to negotiate, is there in that one I guess that comes to my head I don't know of any other, negatives I'm sure there definitely is some but if you could, maybe tell me some oh no I can't.
[1:30:13] Because the specifics if your family is individual to each, uh, each person.
[1:30:19] Okay.
[1:30:20] But would you, if you, if you meet a woman in her mid twenties, who's, you know, positive and moral and enthusiastic and strong and courageous and all the kind of good things that we're looking for, would you be happier to tell her that you have your own place or would you be happier to tell her that you live with mommy and daddy?
[1:30:39] Yeah, definitely happier to tell her that I live there. I have my own place. Yeah.
[1:30:44] Okay. And if you are this woman, let's call her Sally, and you meet Sally, and Sally starts asking you about your life, and you say, well, you know, I have a disabled brother who sometimes can be kind of bitter, and I have, you know, kind of selfish parents who excuse the bad things they did, and that's where I'm living, how inspiring is that for Sally? How attractive is that for Sally?
[1:31:08] It's not attractive at all. Right.
[1:31:10] So, yeah, you can save some money.
[1:31:15] But it'll be quite costly.
[1:31:18] Well, it's also one of these things that you think you're saving money. But you're not. Because living with dysfunctional parents is going to limit the quality of the women you can date. Because they just won't want to date you. Quality women will not want to date you. So then you end up taking money and blowing it on a series of unsuccessful relationships. You haven't saved a goddamn thing.
[1:31:46] Also when your expenses go up as a man when your expenses go up what happens to your work yeah you work harder you work smarter you you get more ambitious you right right human beings are dynamic systems right right so when it's not like like a bachelor makes a certain amount of money uh and then a married man with three kids needs a whole bunch more money right and people say well we can't afford kids as if you're just going to have to live with the same energy and focus when you have kids that you've had when you didn't have kids it's like no when you're uh when you have kids you start taking stuff pretty seriously and you start being really focused and really positive and productive at your work and employers know that, A single guy ain't that committed, right? An employer knows that a married man with three kids, he's locked in, man. He's committed. They take him more seriously.
[1:33:01] Right.
[1:33:02] I mean, and you have the same thing. If you meet a 40-year-old guy who's single, no kids, right? Living with parents, do you take him very seriously?
[1:33:12] No, definitely not.
[1:33:13] Whereas there's a 40-year-old guy, you know, he works hard, he's got a wife, he's got three kids, he's got all these responsibilities. Do you take him more seriously? So if you move out, you have this theory, oh my God, if I move out, i'm gonna lose 1500 bucks a month that's a net negative and that's the only variable it's not the only variable if you move out let's say you move to some place where there are more quality women and you have your own place you're happy to go home you sleep well you're enthusiastic you're positive you're pumped you're excited life's starting well are you more enthusiastic at work, yeah definitely yeah you're more likely to get raises and promotions yeah definitely yeah you're happy and excited and you chat with people I mean I literally got jobs from being happy and enthusiastic and chatting with people, jobs with substantial raises, so and then because you're happy positive and enthusiastic you attract more women and because the quality women aren't kind of grossed out by you still living at home in your mid-20s, You get to date more quality women, which means she's going to pay as well. And you're not going to be wasting your time on some relationship that either is go nowhere or is actually kind of dangerous.
[1:34:41] So it's sort of like me saying, well, you know, the $20,000 I spent on therapy was a net deduction from my life. I have my life and then I have my life minus, well, it's not. I'd be able to say, hey, man, you can have your 20, but you're not married to your wife. Be like, nope. And I don't know that I would have been a self-knowledge in my wife if I hadn't spent the money on therapy. Don't just look at the single variable. Wisdom is saying there's more than one number on the calculator.
[1:35:26] Right, right. And I suppose that's kind of what the position I'm currently at. And I got a raise, of course, for work. And that was kind of my point of moving home so that I could do that.
[1:35:39] No, but you've got the boat anchor of the brother. If you go out and start having a great life, who's sitting in your mind's eye staring at you?
[1:35:46] Right, right.
[1:35:49] Hey, bro, I met this great girl. I've got this place by the beach. Hmm isn't that a bit of a factor yeah definitely, and we do have this belief that by limiting our happiness we limit other people's unhappiness but it's not actually true, i mean it's a short-term thing right because if let's say in 20 years you ended up not having much of a life because you were afraid of making your brother feel bad and he realized all of that and he realized that his ailment crippled two people for the price of one would he be happy.
[1:36:38] No he's going to be even more bitter.
[1:36:40] Well and angry and frustrated at you right.
[1:36:43] Right, yeah that makes, so I guess my thought process was.
[1:37:00] But you can't say to your brother your disability should not hold you back and then have it hold you back.
[1:37:08] I suppose that's, wow I never thought of it, yeah wow i've never.
[1:37:18] Thought of it that way disability destroy your life hey let it destroy my life instead wow i'm sorry i'm laughing because.
[1:37:26] That's yeah wow, i'm sorry i'm laughing it's not it's not really that funny but.
[1:37:38] I mean i mean it's it's funny now it wouldn't be funny in five or ten years yeah.
[1:37:43] Definitely definitely so.
[1:37:44] So you got to go enthusiastically forward with your life and say to your brother look, this is what's possible hmm.
[1:38:07] Yeah, I mean, wow. I'm feeling pretty emotional after hearing that. I've never thought of it that way.
[1:38:17] Oh, that's how it has to be.
[1:38:19] Yeah, wow.
[1:38:20] That's how it has to be. I have people, let's just say people from my childhood, people from my youth, they did not escape the bad things in their lives. And would it have been more positive for the world if i had decided to not live a sort of good or powerful or enthusiastic life because they didn't escape, you know there are guys in my old neighborhood still living in the old neighborhood, still working dead-end jobs, one guy even lives in the same apartment building he grew up in ended up moving out into his mother's place after she died, and yeah no wives no kids or if they got married it didn't work out they got divorced okay so should I have limited my good decisions because people make bad decisions.
[1:39:29] No definitely not.
[1:39:30] Hey man I gotta get fat Because there are fat people in the world I can't lose weight Because then the people who don't lose weight Will feel bad, So I guess I'll get diabetes And die young So that people making bad choices Don't feel bad, Good call Baby That's inspiring.
[1:39:56] I don't know.
[1:40:00] I mean, when I first realized what I was capable of in the business world, you know, the leadership skills, the programming skills, the sales skills, like I did a lot and did it very well. And even the negotiation skills and, you know, dealing with difficult clients and so on. I just became the go-to guy for just about everything because I have a lot of different skill sets. And when I first began to realize all of this i'm like wow that's uh i'm quite lucky to be able to do all of this this stuff and i actually worked with people that i had known growing up i got them jobs and so on and you know just couldn't get them to embrace any real potential okay but does that mean i then and and i'm sure you know i mean i could see them sometimes you know when i was sort of high flying and you know i'm jetting off to paris i'm for business i'm going all over the states i'm going to china you know people fly me putting me in like 400 a night hotels because i'm worth it i need my sleep and you know and and the value that i was providing was considerable and, did they get jealous and envious yeah.
[1:41:15] But you're not going to stop doing it just because they're jealous and envious right.
[1:41:20] Well I mean it's the fifth Beatle question right like there was that guy who was the fifth Beatle and, John Paul George and Ringo decided to plow on or they replaced him or whatever right, and he never really amounted to much as a musician as far as I know and were they supposed to say oh but if we become really successful he's going to be sad, You know, there was a, the Brian May from Queen was in a band called Smile, uh, with a guy who was, you know, okay, but no, obviously no Freddie Mercury. He was the alchemical ingredient that really seemed to make it work. And was he just supposed to say, well, I can't move on with a new singer because the old singer is going to be sad. Everything that you have that is a value in your life that you use or consume or drive or like everything is people who just broke through the bitterness of people who were unhappy they were succeeding and just kept going.
[1:42:39] Are you supposed to leave your potential for excellence in the dust because less committed, less enthusiastic, less able people resent you? I don't see how that benefits anyone. That is a net negative. Because if you have people in your life and they get bitter at your success, well, you're showing them it's possible. You're showing them that it's possible and you may i was even enthusiastic and happy to help transfer my skills as best as i could to other people give them jobs and give them a leg up and and so on right, so you're showing them that it's possible and you're even willing to help them, and if they just and they have that fork in the road either they can try and maximize their potential and take your help or they can just get resentful and squat in their little toadstools of history and glare impotently for the rest of their lives that's the fork in the road i can't make that decision for people because and i respect people's decisions if people choose to resent me for my success um okay i respect that i mean that's i think it's a bad choice but fuck them what do i like what am i then supposed to like not be happy with my success.
[1:44:04] Like what sense would that make it it doesn't add to the happiness it just lets the bitter people piss all over your furnace and then everybody freezes to death hmm, So you go out and you grab life by the horns and you ride it and sometimes you'll ride well and sometimes you'll get thrown off and then you just dust yourself and get back up and try again and you just go out there and you live a great, passionate, grand life. And there will be people who are like, that's so cringe. It's so embarrassing. You know, he doesn't, look at him. He doesn't even see how ridiculous he is. All of these just stupid, to me, they're like the, it's like the sounds of the swamp from the stupid frogs and stuff. It's just this noise people make whenever they see anybody who you know grabs life by the balls and rides the bull and and you know every time you fall down they say well that was stupid and every time you succeed say well he was just lucky and it's just this chorus of.
[1:45:03] Negative lilliputian drag down npcs who are managing their own potential by disparaging yours and the reason for that is that they want to stay in the circle of losers right they've surrounded themselves with losers and so if they start to embrace their potential all the losers will attack them and so they'll just go and yeah they'll do their stupid drugs and they'll drink and they'll you know watch ed wood movies and make fun of it all and and think that they're doing anything of any productivity or value. And it's because they've embedded themselves in a social circle of losers who've castrated their own potential and are impotent frog throat noise makers. Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, negative, negative, negative, bad, bad, bad. And I think it's really sad. I think it's really sad. It's like the world doesn't directly enslave you, but most people are happy to lash themselves into oblivion so yeah we just gotta.
[1:46:13] It's got to push past that. That's like the escape velocity. Like you have to get a certain amount of speed to escape the Earth's gravity. You just need to get that escape velocity and go and have a great life. And yeah, people will mock you and laugh at you and try and set you against yourself. And I mean, that's just standard operating procedure for the fairly broken planet we live in.
[1:46:38] And you either bow down before these people who have nothing to offer, and you limit your own potential for the sake of not upsetting their tender little pathological sensibilities, or you just say, I'm sorry that you're losers, but I'm not sticking around. I'm out, baby. I'm breaking out. I'm breaking orbit. I'm going to explore the stars. I'm not sitting in your swamp from here to eternity. Thank you very much. So i don't know what the next step in your life is but please god don't think it's about whether you pay rent or whether you pay rent or not whatever you do yeah i don't know what you're gonna do but don't do that.
[1:47:20] Yeah yes i mean that's the over the last couple of weeks i've been thinking about it um just because i don't i don't think i'm gonna make a decision tomorrow or anything.
[1:47:30] No but you don't have free will it's only one variable like literally right this is like multi-variable is free will right so if i looked at my therapy and said well geez i'm just going to be myself for twenty thousand dollars less well then i'm not going to go to therapy, because it's just a net negative whereas if you so free will comes when you balance multi-variables, So if you say, well, geez, you know, I got to stay at home because otherwise I'm paying rent and that's expensive and that's the only variable, then you have no choice to leave.
[1:48:05] Right.
[1:48:05] Like you've no choice to leave. Like if I came to you and said, hey, I've got this great hobby where we hit our own hands with a ball peen hammer. Do you want to play? You'd say, well, no.
[1:48:19] Sure.
[1:48:20] Thank you, because that's just a huge negative. and if the only thing in your life is well 1500 bucks a month down if i uh if i move out i mean this is my friend uh from way back in the day who used to take his, school books and paper and pencils and calculator he used to take all of his stuff to school in a plastic bag from the grocery store sometimes he would double bag it right, now everyone else had their cool backpacks with like logos on them and people had adidas bags, it was it all day used to dream of all day i dream about sex that's what's supposed to be the acronym for adidas back in the day um so and and i and he said to me i don't know why people.
[1:49:12] Buy these backpacks i don't know why i mean the plastic bags from the grocery store are free that's a single variable thing right he never dated he never dated, Because a woman looks at a guy with no flair, no panache, no extra spending. Unfortunately, he also had a Scottish name. So they look at a guy like that and they're like, okay, that's a single variable guy. He doesn't sit there and think, huh, I wonder why people have cool backpacks. It's a mating display.
[1:49:55] So. yeah none of that uh and and this is the guy he uh he lived uh he slept on an army cot, and he's like you know i got this almost for free at goodwill, and i remember saying to him i don't think the word free means the same thing to you as it does to me you know what i see not that it's free but it's free of women try bringing some woman home trying to wedge her onto an army cot with a ragged blanket it's like oh my god yes you saved some money good for you good for you so yeah the single variable thing uh completely uh eliminates your capacity for free will so don't don't think it's just about the rent sorry that's a long way to put it but.
[1:50:50] No i i mean i very much appreciate that insight and i think i've deep down i've had that uh feeling um but i mean you definitely put it into words a lot better than i would have, um So, okay, so then I guess my thought process was thinking about moving back to the town that I graduated college from because I have a lot more friends there. That's where my closest friends are that I actually value.
[1:51:28] Are your friends in motion in life? Are they trying to achieve things? Are they climbing, scrabbling, fighting, battling?
[1:51:35] Yes, yes they are.
[1:51:36] Good okay well then if you're around a circle of striving people that's probably where you want to be.
[1:51:41] That's what i that's what my with our process was.
[1:51:45] Okay have they called you and said what are you doing bro hey.
[1:51:50] Uh i have yeah i.
[1:51:52] Know have they done that.
[1:51:53] Uh i've had the the two that i'm specifically thinking of yes um just kind of asking me you know what what's the plan like what are you what's the plan you.
[1:52:08] Know yeah so don't don't um don't assume that's an infinite resource so and you'll notice this when i'm not saying you're not but when you really get your ass in gear in life, you will put some resources into helping other people but not too many, because some people are just drained. And again, I'm not saying this is you, but if you're living at home and don't take good advice, they're going to stop contacting you.
[1:52:37] Right, right.
[1:52:38] When you're really in motion, man, you have to hoard your energy like you would not believe, because there's lots of people who are very keen and enthusiastic, to try and get you engaged and enrolled in helping them, but they're not actually going to take any good advice.
[1:53:04] Yeah, and I definitely don't want to fall into that.
[1:53:07] Yeah, and there's a ticking clock on everything in life. Everything is an hourglass. There's a ticking clock on everything in life. And if you've got friends, then listen, I'm glad that your friends are in motion. I'm glad that they're reaching out to help you. I think that's great. But recognize that is a diminishing opportunity. Now, you probably still have some time, but that's a diminishing opportunity. Because at some point, they'll be like, Jesus, man, I've called the guy for the last year or two.
[1:53:42] Nothing's changed.
[1:53:43] Nothing's changed. He's not really taking any advice. I'm sorry, man. I got to cut my losses because this is just a net drain.
[1:53:52] Right. Yeah, I mean, I've had friends like that as well. I mean, over the past year.
[1:53:59] Oh where you're trying to energize them and yeah.
[1:54:03] And then it's just eventually it's like well you're not gonna change i'm my impact will not change you so i gotta cut my losses.
[1:54:10] Well it's just a probability thing um and they yeah they will keep coming to ask for advice but the probability thing is like the cost benefit doesn't work for me like because you can never say i mean there's free will still right so you can never say 100 they're never going to change, but uh the odds the odds go down and then at some point it's just like no i think i'll i think i will um i think i will reserve my energies for people who feed me back because people who don't take good advice while continually soliciting it are kind of vampires right and you know i'm happy to give good advice there are people in my life who give me good advice back and i think that's great so that's a share of energy but you know i'm not people's parents so i don't provide energy to them in the way that i would with my baby daughter when she was little i don't treat them as adults which means adulthood is reciprocity childhood is taking and adulthood is reciprocity, so i don't treat people as children when they're adults which means yeah sometimes it goes more one way or the other, right? If my wife is, you know, she has a cold or whatever, then I will make her the chicken soup. Oh, she won't eat chicken soup, but I'll make her the soup or whatever, right? When I have the cold, she'll make me the soup. So there's times when it goes back one way or the other, but it has to kind of even out of the hole, right?
[1:55:32] Right, right.
[1:55:39] So, just make sure you're providing enthusiasm, empirical success, and energy back to your friends. All right, so we should probably wind things up. We've had a good old long chat. Is there anything else you wanted to mention at the end?
[1:56:03] No, I don't think so. Thank you. Thank you very much, Stef, for all you do and taking this call today. I mean, the impact you've had on my life is quite astounding.
[1:56:15] Well, I really appreciate that. And I, you know, massive respect for what you're doing. And again, massive sympathies towards your brother. But yeah, finding a way to shrug off that beast is going to be a challenge. But to me, I don't know what the alternative is that makes any sense. So yeah, keep me posted. And I really do appreciate your time today.
[1:56:34] Right. Thank you, Stef. Thank you.
[1:56:36] Take care, man. Bye-bye.
[1:56:37] You too. Bye.
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