Stefan Molyneux explores themes of vulnerability and honesty, using the 1993 film The Remains of the Day with Emma Thompson and Anthony Hopkins as a starting point. He examines the emotional and psychological effects shown in the story, especially the issues that arise from keeping feelings unexpressed and the damage caused by emotional repression. He also talks about his own experiences with vulnerability, including moments from childhood and the ways society pushes people to hide their emotions.

He describes vulnerability as both an idea and something that needs to be put into practice. Cultural expectations, particularly in British society, often make it difficult for people to share what they feel and form real connections. He remembers being mocked as a child for showing vulnerability, which led him to pull back into a shell that offered a false sense of safety but ended up creating isolation. He points out the tension between wanting to appear emotionally strong and the basic human need for connection, noting that genuine strength comes from allowing openness.

A good part of what he says looks at the psychological price of holding emotions inside. He suggests it is similar to how muscles weaken from lack of use, and that unexpressed feelings do not pile up but instead fade away. With examples from his life and clear analogies, he explains how failing to voice emotions can result in a real sense of loss. He asks people to rethink their habits around emotional honesty, making the case that bottling things up does not build strength but slowly reduces one's emotional energy.

These habits of emotional withholding also impact relationships with others. He explains how patterns of dishonesty and self-censorship get in the way of authentic connections. When people do not speak up about their feelings, it creates distance between them. His message encourages honesty as something essential for personal well-being and for building meaningful bonds with others.

Stefan Molyneux ends by stressing the importance of being truthful with oneself and with other people. He shares ideas that help confront fears around vulnerability and calls for living with greater openness and sincerity. While showing vulnerability can feel risky, he argues it is necessary for real connections and a satisfying life. The key idea is that emotions kept private, much like treasure that stays buried, lose their value, and that honesty marks the beginning of emotional freedom.

Chapters

0:00:00 - Thoughts on "The Remains of the Day"
0:26:27 - The Challenge of Honesty
0:33:20 - The Fear of Vulnerability
0:39:09 - The Power of Directness
0:46:15 - A Call to Action

Transcript

[0:00:00] Thoughts on "The Remains of the Day"

[0:00:00] Hey, good evening, my friends. Hope you're doing well. Flash live stream tonight. Happy to take questions. Have some thoughts, some interesting thoughts. I hope you guys don't mind. Too, too much if I get a little bit personal, a little bit open the heart to the skies above and the digits that surround us. I think it'll be helpful. I think it's important. Because I was talking with some friends today about a movie 33 years ago, 33 years ago, called The Remains of the Day. I don't know if you've seen the movie with Emma Thompson and Anthony Hopkins, and I think Christopher Reeve shows up in it after his battle with depression and insecurity and so on, prior to his terrible fall off a horse and his subsequent death from a variety of cancer treatments that were supposed to restore his spine and so on. But I was talking about it with some friends today, the movie, and you don't have to have watched the movie. I'll simply reference it as a starting point. You don't have to have watched the movie in order to get a value out of what it is that I'm talking about. But I think it's a really important topic.

[0:01:17] So, the movie is kind of about a twisted, almost love story, not a twisted, tangled, repressed, almost love story between, you know, a sort of fairly fiery young feminist and a very stodgy older British man who is super professional and cold-hearted. it. I think it was actually written originally by a Japanese fellow, and it seems to be a little bit more Japanese than British. Britain has, of course, its famous, England has its famous repression, but it also has its sex pistols, it has its Russell Brands, and other kinds of anti-establishment figures. It has its Monty Pythons and so on. Not really so much of that in the Japanese world. So I think it's a little bit more of a Japanese story than a British story, but it's an interesting story. And I wanted to tell you what I got out of it, which actually was quite life-changing and led me closer down the path of falling in love and staying in love, which is kind of the fruit and point and joy, really, of life as a whole. So I'll give you a little bit about it. Love to get your thoughts about what I'm saying or about whatever else is on your mind.

[0:02:38] So, again, this is going to be a little personal, but I, The personal is the philosophical in many ways. The life lessons that I've got from philosophy have had by far the most impact and effect on my personal life, so I kind of wanted to share all of that. So I'll tell you what I think. Now, vulnerability is a very interesting thing in the world, a very interesting thing indeed.

[0:03:07] Vulnerability is when you are honest about things that upset you. In particular, vulnerability can also be, it's showing your emotions, but vulnerability tends to be the hardest when someone has done something to upset us. And vulnerability very often, and this is certainly true when I was in boarding school and other places, sort of neck deep or knee deep in the British culture, vulnerability.

[0:03:35] Was very tough because you would just be mocked and laughed at and scorned and eye-rolled. And Douglas Murray does this exquisite, vicious, verbal, cold-hearted, semi-sociopathic attack on all that he disapproves of and so on. It's catty as hell and low testosterone as far as it could be conceived of, but a vulnerability, vulnerability. So for me, when I was younger, I think this is true for a lot of people, speak for me. For me, when I was younger, when I was hurt, when someone had done something to upset me, I pulled a full-on plate armor armadillo, and I would retreat to my lair, I would curl up, and I would, in a, it's funny, you know, there's a kind of sick joy in that isolation. Well, I'm going to, I'm going to show them how hurt I am, and so on. And I remember my mother was always nagging me to clean up and to tidy up and so on. And I'm actually a pretty tidy person as an adult, but I kind of hated it as a kid just because I hated her authority in general.

[0:04:47] And I remember having this thought as a kid, which I had quite repeatedly, which was that my mom just liked to sit down and blather. I mean, just honestly, just blather and blather at me. Just this absolute stream of language. I reproduced it a little bit with the mother in my recent novel called Dissolution, which you should definitely check out. Freedomain.com/books. It's free. It's great. It will expand your heart and mind, guaranteed. And I remember I would take this pleasure almost as a little kid, because she'd constantly been asking me to tidy up. And then...

[0:05:28] Whenever she would sit down and corner me, oh, it was gross. She'd sit there and corner me and tell me all about her love life and her health issues and what was going on at work. And it's just, you know, some people just come at you with endless amounts of language, says the guy was over 6,000 podcasts, but it's different, man. I'm trying to connect. And I remember thinking, okay, fine, fine. You can nag me. You can nag me to clean up all the time. then the next time you sit down to swallow me up whale and jonah style and one of your endless, germanic gab fest what i'm going to do is say oh i'm sorry mom i can't talk right now i have to go tidy oh there was this little petty jab of satisfaction even at the thought and the idea, and of course when my mom was in a bad mood then she would you know pace around the place and look for something to criticize and then just unleash and unload on that she always needed an excuse everybody needs an excuse when they are feeling super crabby to unleash, unload. And I remember the couple of times that I said, oh, I can't talk. I've got to go tidy. Of course, she said, no, you can do that later.

[0:06:39] Right? Because she wanted to talk. And if people had upset me, if people had been, you know, as I perceived it, you know, heartless or cold or mean or thoughtless or inconsiderate or selfish or whatever it was, then I would just, not literally curl up, but in my mind, I would just sort of curl up in a ball, show my armored side to the universe, and not let anyone in. And there's two little scraps of songs that have always given me goosebumps about this kind of early mentality. One is from a song by Pete Townsend on the novel White City. From my window I see rooms. And at the end of the song, he says, I gotta hide out yeah hide out and it's just really he's quite passionate about it and that hiding out this sort of curl up in a ball don't let anyone in.

[0:07:27] There's an Alan Parsons song, Don't Let It Show, similar sort of idea. And then there's a song, a very early Queen's song. I should be waiting for the sun, but anyway, I've got to hide away. And that, I've got to hide away, I've got to keep myself safe, there are predators out there, I've got to curl into a ball, don't let it show. That hoarding of emotion was one of the biggest temptations I had as a child. To be superior, to be indifferent, to make other people work to please me, to be emotionally distant, to be judgy, to be superior, to be all of these things was such a drug. Oh my gosh. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

[0:08:17] I loved it and hated it and so on. There was a kind of sickness. I will certainly accept that as a generalized thesis. It was a kind of sickness of self-protection. And in that movie, and I thought about it sort of beforehand, when I read, one of the first books I read on self-knowledge was The Psychology of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brando, which I came in through my friend who was into Rush, the drummer was into Objectivism, I read Ayn Rand, and through Ayn Rand, who took as her lover, the psychologist Nathaniel Brandon, I got into Nathaniel Brandon, and started to really pursue self-knowledge that way. And I remember, I think Nathaniel Brandon, one of his wives, drowned in a swimming pool, and he just, you know, howled with agony, curled up, and just let all the feelings course through him.

[0:09:10] And I've always had a sort of question. I've mulled it back and forth. I think I've settled on it to some degree. I've always had, what happens to emotions that you don't express? What happens to emotions you don't express? You like some girl, but you don't say anything. What happens to that? What happens to that? You're angry, but you don't say anything. You're hurt, but you keep it to yourself. You're frustrated, but you pretend you're fine to look cool. You're nervous, but you put on a brave face, a brave front. What happens to all the emotions that aren't expressed, that you don't speak, that you don't say, that you don't reveal, that you don't communicate? Where do they go? Now, of course, there's a theory. There's a theory which says that if you don't express your anger, it's bottled up, it seethes down there.

[0:10:04] Like an overheated boiler on a ship or a train. It just heats up, it glows, it gets orange, the coal gets fed in, it doesn't get any release, and then it blows. And that's sort of a theory of violence, that there's all this repressed anger, maybe fear, coursing around in your innards. The body keeps the score, it just gets bottled up, it circulates, it increases, it pushes against the boundaries, then it blows out. and that's a theory. There is a big theory of art that says the actors express what we cannot on the stage, and we are released of those emotions. We are released of those emotions.

[0:10:53] I don't know that that's true, but that's sort of a theory of art. And I will say, from the ripe old age of pushing 60 years old, I will say that I don't particularly believe that anymore. I don't particularly believe that anymore. I'll tell you why. And this, I think this is really important because if you can't be honest, open, direct, and vulnerable, you can't be in love because you can't connect with anyone. You end up hauling around this big, giant, fiery, dull moat around you and nobody can get close. Nobody can get close. And it's a lonely, ghastly, empty experience. I say this having had some experience of that isolation.

[0:11:39] But it's brutal. I'll tell you what I think of emotions that are unexpressed. I think emotions that are unexpressed, vulnerabilities that aren't talked about, sadness that is not spoken of, I don't think it bottles up. I don't think it bottles up. I think all those feelings just die. They just die. I'll give you an analogy. I know that analogy, of course, is not proof, but hopefully it will clarify what it is that I'm talking about. And I will sort of end this little speech with a plea for directness and honesty. So, think of emotions like muscles. Now, if you don't exercise, your muscles atrophy, they wither, they fade. You end up with pure on Timothee Chalamet toothpick arms. You've got nothing, nothing on your bones but tendons and skin and weakness and sorrow and laziness. So if you don't exercise, your muscles don't burrow somewhere deep in your body and then get stronger and stronger until they blow and bust out like Elizabeth Smart at a bodybuilding competition.

[0:12:52] They just wither and die and just aren't there. All the unexpressed emotions, all the unexpressed thoughts and passions, they don't burrow into the body and begin to heat and vibrate and shake and build up pressure until they blow any more than if you don't work out, you don't lift weights. Your muscles don't just burrow down into your body and only seem to disappear, but instead gain strength in there, and then suddenly you're super jacked because you're upset, and you just can't hold it back anymore. That's not the way that works.

[0:13:33] Unexpressed emotions don't burrow and plot and grow and stretch and strive against resistance. Unexpressed emotions curl up in your heart, tap weakly on the glass, take a deep breath, and just fucking die. Yeah, just die. If you like a whole series of girls, but you don't talk to them, you don't act on it, it's not like this massive liking of girls takes residence and then will blow and you'll go and talk to all the girls later. No, it just dies. It ends. It fades away like unstressed, untested muscles. And if you hoard your feelings your whole life, you don't go to your grave full of anything. You go to your grave empty of everything.

[0:14:30] There is zero price at the end of your life for all your unexpressed thoughts and feelings. There's no backup price. There's no consolation price. There's no reward.

[0:14:44] Everything that you hoard dies with you. Everything you share lives on. You know, if you're a wealthy guy and you decide to later in your life, you take all your money, I don't know, $10 million or something. A lot of money, right? Take all your money and you convert it to gold and you bury it in the middle of nowhere in an unmarked spot.

[0:15:09] Well, do you get any prizes for that when you die? You do not. All that happens is that all the wealth you hoarded, all the wealth you built up, all the wealth you grew, all the wealth you refused to share dies with you. And it's like it never was. And that movie, The Remains of the Day, was about a man who failed to express his emotions. In other words, he was a liar. He was a liar. He was a liar. He felt things but denied them. He claimed to be absolutely practical, non-sentimental, uninterested in romance. And then the woman finds him reading a silly romance novel. And he says, I only read it for developing some language skills, not because I care about this silly story. But he did care. I mean, everybody knows that Anthony Hopkins is a fantastic actor, particularly for repressed people.

[0:16:07] I would not be a great actor for repressed people at all. Anthony Hopkins is great at that. And what bothers me about emotionally repressed people and what bothered me about me when I was hoarding all of my emotions and curling up armadillo style and not calling and not sharing and not speaking the truth was I was a liar. Big, stinky, filthy, pig-nippled, bottomless, topless, endless, greased liar. I lied. Something bothering you? Nope. you okay fine anything the matter nope you sure you're good i'm good i'm fine that's called being a big old stinky pants on fire liar if you care about people for heaven's sakes tell them if someone does something that bothers you for heaven's sakes tell them we're not mind readers out here. If you want something, for heaven's sakes, ask for it!

[0:17:19] If you don't want something, for heaven's sakes, say no. Because all of my coolness and misdirection and cover-up and counter-signaling and armadillo-ing was all hiding, I mean, one sort of basic essential fact, that I was lying myself into inert oblivion. I mean, it's an old cliche and a fairly mediocre song, tomorrow never comes. Oh, I'll stop being more honest tomorrow. You say that every day, and you'll never do it, because there's always tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty bass from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death out, out, brief candle-lifes, but a walking shadow of poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more as a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing, Nothing. Nothing. I'll tell the truth tomorrow. I'll be honest tomorrow. I'll be open tomorrow. I'll ask for what I want tomorrow. I'll ask the girl out tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll change careers tomorrow. I'll learn how to play guitar tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll tidy up. I'll go to the dentist tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

[0:18:33] And tomorrow never comes. And of course, you know, people say your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying. Sort of Albert Brooks defending your lifestyle. Oh, it's going to flash before your eyes when you're dying. And what flashes before your eyes? What flashes before your eyes? I was terrified of this, my friends. I see balls terrified of this, that when I would get to the end of my life, if I hoarded an armadillo and kept everything to myself, that it would all die with me and I would all look back upon everything I had not done and say, well, what the fuck was the point of that? I didn't ask for what I wanted in life. Does that give me any prizes? Nope. I was scared to ask the girl out. Did I get any consolation prize? Nope!

[0:19:31] Didn't want to ask for that raise. I was too nervous to change jobs. I was bored, but I wouldn't do anything. Do you get anything back at the end of your life for all of that? No, absolutely not. All you get is regret. On that last day, you know, I think we get a sense of this, assuming we're not like hit by a bus from behind or something like that. I think we get a sense of this. And what do we get a sense of? We get a sense that this is the last day. You know, you're in a hospital, and I've talked to people who've watched others die and so on, and you're in a hospital, and you know, you know, things start shutting down, you start going numb, and you're like, well, I guess this morning was the last sunrise I never saw. I don't really see sunrises. I like sunsets. I'm not such a big fan of sunrises. They're always kind of depressing. I never had to get up for anything good when I was a kid that was early. And you look and you say, well, that's it.

[0:20:31] All the stuff I never said now gets to die with me. And you look back and you say, what was the point of all that hoarding? It's like the guys who die, like with the $10 million in gold buried in some place, no one's ever going to find it. What was the point of all of that? You know, like all the people who nickel and dime and hoard so they can enjoy a long retirement and then die at the age of 65.1. what was the point of all of that? To live honestly is the most powerful tool of clarity and defense known to any carbon-based life form. You say to people around you if they've done something that hurt you, maybe your friends went out and didn't call you, and it upsets you. What do you say? Oh, it's fine. Oh, it's not a big deal. Oh, I'm sure they just forgot or I whatever, right? I mean, it was easy to make up these lies in the past before you had a phone to track every movement, every phone call. And it seems like these days, every thought.

[0:21:37] Do you say something no and why don't we say why don't we say why don't we call them up and say hey i mean guys you did kind of go out like have i done something is there something that bothered you because it you know i'm not gonna lie it stung a little bit it stung a little bit i would like to clear it up right that's fine do we say it we do not why do we lie why do we lie i mean heaven help us if we know that our friends went out last night, and you ask a couple of friends, what did you do last night? The friends who went out, and they say, oh, nothing. Woo-wee. Not fun, not good, not plus, double plus, ungood, in fact. So do we say anything? No. What do we do? We withdraw. We withdraw into our little acid hurt castle, and raise the drawbridge, and fill the moat, and sit in our pit of self-pity. But they really cared about me if they're just... And why don't we say anything in these situations?

[0:22:42] Well, because we're terrified, of course, that they're not going to care. Yeah, we went out. Who cares? Doesn't matter. Don't make such a big deal about it. Don't be such a pussy. It doesn't matter. We don't have to do everything together. My God. Chillax. Doesn't matter. You gotta learn to roll with things, man. It's not like we go to everything you go to. It's fine. Like, people will just dismiss you and poo-poo you, which kind of means taking a dump on your heart. But that's what we're scared of, isn't it? That we're gonna be upset, and no one's gonna give a rat's behind, and they're then going to heap scorn upon hurt and hurt us again. Ooh, that's not fun. Ooh, that's not fun. We can't do that. That's just kind of the point, like we can't do that when we're kids. We can't say, hey, you teach, you know, can I just, can I just say something? You know, I find your teaching style kind of monotone. I find the subject matter not particularly interesting. I'm just wondering if there's anything we could do to make the topic more relevant or to spice it up a little. Woo, good luck with that. In government education, straight to the principal's office, we will take a year of your life and lock you into a desk way too small for your hairy-fingered frame.

[0:24:03] In church, do we get to say, hey, Mr. Priest, I'm so sorry to interrupt. I really am sorry to interrupt, but I got to tell you, reading out all these baguettes, it's not hitting me in the feels. I don't know how to connect with it. Is there any way that you could just, you've got a direct connection to God. Can you pray for some inspiration to make this stuff a little bit more relevant, at least to me. I don't think I'm speaking alone here. I'm looking around the church. Half the people are nodding off. If you're praying for inspiration, you're not listening to the results. Can you just, please, I'm begging you, do something. Spice it up a little, make it a little bit more interesting. I mean, I love God. I love prayer. I love ideas. I love virtues. Fascinated by the Ten Commandments. I just can't connect with the stuff that you're saying. I'm really sorry, but I think God maybe told me to tell you that. That's what it feels like. I was just like, I was just praying for how to handle this boredom. And God said, you got to say something. So I hope that you'll accept something from God himself.

[0:25:13] Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It. Nope, not even a little bit. Hey, teach, I just, you keep pointing out how white people are bad, and that seems kind of racist. Hey, teach, you keep pointing out that girls are superior. That's kind of sexist. And when I was in New Zealand with Lauren Southern, we got lured into these interviews. I mean, we knew they were going to be pretty hostile, and we were kind of making fun because they said, we weren't going to be allowed entrance into New Zealand. And there was this native archway at the airport and we pretended that we were pushing through it and so on and posted the videos. It was kind of funny, like we're pushing through the borders and able to move through this magical force field. And of course, some reporter was like, that's disrespectful, you know, disrespectful. Much of a New Zealand reporter's accent because I don't speak fluent evil. Disrespectful. And I said to him, I said, wait, are you saying that the native population of New Zealand doesn't have a sense of humor, can't take a joke? You know, like people make jokes about white people, we can't dance and so on,

[0:26:25] and we just roll with it. Are you saying that they can't take a joke at all? That seems kind of racist.

[0:26:27] The Challenge of Honesty

[0:26:33] Yeah, good luck with that. I mean, it's fun to say, but doesn't get you far in any positive or productive way. So we can't say these things. Maybe you had parents who didn't listen to you. Hey, dad, I, you know, I know you have a tough day at work and all of that. You kind of need to unwind. Is there any way we could find out some way that you can unwind with me rather than watching sports or playing video games or playing on your phone or your tablet? Like, is there any way that we could connect that you could find would be relaxing and enjoyable, because I kind of miss you. I feel like we don't really spend much, I mean, if any, time together, and you just seem kind of tired and bothered, and, you know, my childhood is slipping away, and I just feel like I'd really like to connect. Yeah, good luck with that, right? Good luck with that. Mom, you spend a lot of time, I got to be honest with you, I mean, especially since COVID, you spend a lot of time doom-scrolling, and I just, I feel sad about it. I miss you i wish we could talk more and and i just i really want to i feel this kind of urge to take care of you mom because i just i can't imagine you kind of get to the end of your life and you say oh i'm really glad that 50 years ago or 40 years ago i spent all that time doom scrolling over covid rather than play katan with my kids.

[0:27:59] Good luck with that one, too. Good luck with that one, too. So we're kind of trained in that way, a lot of us, certainly in school, to some degree in church, maybe slightly less in families. There's good families out there. There aren't good schools, but there are good families. And nobody listens. Nobody takes our needs, preferences, concerns, or cares into consideration, he says, as he doesn't answer the listener's question, which we'll get to in a sec, I promise you, and I appreciate your patience. But everything you don't express dies within you, then dies with you. I see dead people everywhere I go. I see NPCs. I see people pouting, noses in the air, sniffing and snorting, criticizing, nagging, complaining, bitching, moaning, raging sometimes, but not being honest. Not being honest. It is only in reality that we can meet for real, almost tautologically speaking. It is only in reality that we can meet for real. Everything else is manipulation. Every time you don't tell the truth, you're just manipulating. Every time you don't ask for what you want, you're just manipulating. Every time you don't communicate when someone's upset you, you're manipulating.

[0:29:20] You and I and everyone who does these things, well, we're just lying. I've said from the very beginning of this show over 21, almost 21 years ago, that honesty is the first virtue. Without honesty, no other virtues are possible either to achieve and certainly to maintain. Honesty is the first virtue. Without honesty, no other virtues are possible. How many times have you or I faked knowledge. Oh, yeah, I think I know a little bit about that. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. Yeah, it's lying. It's lying. I've done it. You've done it, I think. I know I've done it. I know. I think you've done it. That's manipulation. That's lying. I try to be pretty honest. I mean, you've heard me a bunch of times when people say, have you heard of X or Y or Z? I say, nope. Or, you know, I've heard a little bit about it. Don't really know much. Whatever, right?

[0:30:19] A commitment to the truth. What bothers me about the character in Remains of the Day, the Anthony Hopkins character, is he's a liar. It's not strength, it is weakness. Because if you want to take, if you want to have a good old healthy purge of your relationships to, you know, like how forests need to have that good old burning purge every once in a while, in fact, the natives in some of these daimons and locations actually set these fires. You need that fire to burn through the forest, to clear away the dead wood, the undergrowth, renewal, and so on, right? I mean, brutal on the creatures, particularly the borrowing ones, but that's what's needed. You need to renew. And why do we lie? We lie because we don't want to find out that we're surrounded by liars. So maybe you have friends around, your family around, or whatever, maybe lovers, maybe husbands, wives, or whatever, and they say, ooh, I love you, I care about you, you're the best, you're the greatest, you're the bee's knees, you're wonderful, couldn't live without you, baby, amazing, excellent, perfect.

[0:31:27] Indiferous, as my brother used to say. Can't believe he's straight sometimes. But we lie, and we withhold, and we turtle, and we armadillo, and we roll into a ball, and we take a ball, and we go home, and we retreat to our sick pit of self-pity with the moats and the drawbridge filled and up. We do all of that so that we don't find out whether the people around us who claim to care about us, we don't find out if they are, in fact, also stinky, bottom-feeding catfish liars. Because, you know, that seems kind of important to know, doesn't it? It seems kind of important to know. The people who say they care about you, ooh, quick question, do they, in fact, care about you? People who claim to love you, do they, in fact, love you? Because can you claim to love someone, but not care about what they like or don't like, whether you've hurt them or not. Even if it's inadvertent. Even if it's inadvertent. Even if they misunderstood something. You made a joke. You thought it was a joke. They didn't know it was a joke. They got upset. I mean, if I turn around too quickly and smack my wife in the shoulder by accident, I'm still going to apologize. I mean, because she's fierce, man. You have to. He'll disassemble you and sell you for parts of the Greek Orthodox black market. I don't know. I mean, it could happen. I could be a little jumpy.

[0:32:55] Lie, are people saying they love us but don't actually care about us? Well, I mean, that's paradox, of course. You can't love someone and not care. Hey, baby, the only thing I want to do is make you happy. You know, when you use that deep voice, it doesn't make me happy. Well, that's fine, but I'm still going to use my deep voice because that's what makes you happy. No, no, no, just use your normal voice, please. Your deep voice does not make me happy.

[0:33:20] The Fear of Vulnerability

[0:33:20] Like the woman with the guy in bed and he says oh baby and she says deeper deeper and he says oh baby.

[0:33:35] Do they actually care about you well as long as you tortoise and armadillo and raise the drawbridge and fill the moat and retreat to your sick pit of self-pity or i do we don't have to find that out Now, of course, we do have to find out whether they care or notice, because that's kind of what we're doing, is we won't say that we're bothered or upset, but we will give those indications that we are bothered and upset. And then what do we hope? We hope that the person's going to notice and follow. I remember the first woman who did that.

[0:34:12] I was upset. We parted, and she followed me. You know, like you always see these scenes, you know, someone's leaving on a jet plane, and somebody's like running through. I have to talk to her before she goes, and vaulting security and tackling the TSA. Not that I recommend it, but it's, of course, a story that's prominent in a lot of rom-coms and sitcoms. And I remember the first time that in a romantic relationship that a woman followed me and noticed, and we worked it out. It was great. I remember when I was dating my wife, we were supposed to meet some friends. It was early on in our dating, and she just came from work. She worked as a psychologist in a hospital, of course, for many years. And she came, and we were running a little bit late, and I said, oh, we got to go. And she says, no, no, no. Before we head out, you and I have to connect. How was your day? What's going on? How was your writing? Because I was writing at the time. I was writing almost. No, no. Yes. Wait. No, I was editing The God of Atheists. And she's like, No, no, no. Before we go storming out, you and I have to connect, right? Totally right. Very wise. Very wise. We're going out as a couple. We need to connect as a couple before we go out. Quite right. Very wise.

[0:35:25] You. My best friend's wedding question, right? Rupert Everett, was it? I was thinking for Rupert Grimes, but I don't think that there's a more opposite physiology than Rupert Everett and Rupert Grimes. Or Rupert the bear. I think that's really an unholy trinity of opposites. RuPaul? Okay, stop at the Rupes, Stef. Move on. I can't.

[0:35:47] I'm stuck. Sorry, Squire, the record's stuck. All right. Pulling myself out of my own self-inflicted tar pit, I go on to say that we don't want to find out if people really care about us. So what we do is we indicate that we're upset and hope that people come. Hope the, you know, the knock comes on the door, right? You go into your room, you're upset, your parents go, right? They're supposed to come in and say, are you okay? What's going on? Let's talk. Let's figure it out. Let's sort it out, all this kind of stuff, right? And a lot of times they don't. Fine, let him stew. Let him be that way. I'm not going in. And it's a battle of hoarding everything that dissipates. You know, hoarding onto your emotions is like an open bottle of pop. Hoarding its CO2? Hoarding its bubbles. I'm not a chemist. Hoarding its bubbles. It's just going to go flat anyway. What's the point of hoarding it? All your feelings are going to go to nothing.

[0:36:44] You're going to lose all your money. You might as well spend it. Now, don't spend it like a whore. Don't unpack your heart to everyone, regardless of their quality. But don't hoard everything, friends. How is anyone supposed to get to know you if you're manipulative? How is anyone supposed to get to know you if you're a hall of mirrors, if you're a foggy maze? I mean, people don't have the time. They don't have the energy And why should they expend the effort You gotta make it easy for people to like you And to make it easy for people to like you means You gotta not make them work so hard To know what you think and how you feel, If you're bothered And you care at all about the virtue called honesty.

[0:37:30] You say, I'm bothered. You're angry. I'm angry. You're sad. I'm sad. You're frustrated. I'm frustrated. Not blaming the other person because almost always we want to blame someone for all of our negative feelings. I'm frustrated because you did X, Y, and Z, right? Mom would be, I'm just mad because you never listen. Never listen. Always a never, right? The way that you stoke up the fires of your own cuckolded outrage, right? What if? I mean, just look, I want to put this forward because, you know, everyone says, oh, so-and-so cheated on me. Well, are you cheating on the truth? Because the way that you show loyalty to your partner is you don't cheat with regards to the truth, right?

[0:38:17] I want you to try this. I really, I'm on my knees, absolutely begging you. Tears going down my cheeks and my face cheeks, blood in my gums from my grinding teeth, supplication in my eyes, desperation in my quivering fingertips. I'm down on my knees, begging you. When you listen to this rant, when you finish listening to this rant, when this show ends, if indeed it ever will, that what you do is you say, write it on your forearm in Sharpie, whatever you, be honest. Don't lie. Be honest. Don't lie. Be honest. Don't lie. Don't hoard. Don't turtle. Don't curl up. Don't go hidey hole. Don't disappear. Don't despawn. Don't go to the back rooms. Don't do any of that stuff. You got something to say to someone. Just fucking say it.

[0:39:09] The Power of Directness

[0:39:10] You admire someone, say, I admire you. You're frightened of someone, say, you frighten me. You appreciate someone's sense of humor, say, thank you for all the laughs. You don't appreciate someone's doom and glooming, say, you know, you kind of bring me down. It's heavy, man. You want to talk to a girl, for God's sakes, talk to a girl.

[0:39:32] Careers, make that plan. You want to say to your boss, I don't like the aggression, say to your boss, I don't like the aggression. Not having sex with your spouse, sit down with your spouse and say, hey, I've got some P. Diddy oil. No, just say, you know, we got to, I'd really like to solve this. I don't know what to do. What can we do? If things are lacking in your relationships, the first thing you need to do is provide them and measure the response. Provide them and measure the response. I mean, if you think you've got a good to sell, you build it, you put it out in the marketplace, and you see who buys it. That's what you do. If you and your wife are going through a chilly period, reach out, be affectionate. See how she responds. You might need to do it a whole bunch of times until she thaws. If she doesn't thaw, you've got to make a tough decision. If something's missing in a relationship, and in this case, I'm saying that what's missing in most of our relationships is a foundational commitment to honesty. So when you lie to people, when you mislead them, and you mismanipulate them, you separate, and you become like an old guy in the Inuit on an iceberg floating away from the mainland into the chilly waters of eternity. Don't do it. Don't do it. Only connect, as the enforcer used to say. Only connect. We can only connect by being honest and direct about what we think and feel. Don't avoid. Don't hoard.

[0:40:55] Don't deny. Don't lie. Don't lie. Don't lie. Don't lie. listen, like you're not already doing that, but listen, I have to say this to myself every day. I have to remind myself of this every day. Don't lie. Don't lie. Don't lie. Look, obviously, see, I say, listen, now I say, look, I'm absolutely commanding every one of your senses. Taste, Russell Brand. So I have to say this, you know, Megyn Kelly, I don't know, not, it felt like five minutes ago, probably longer, was talking about how disgusting Russell Brand was for having sex with a 16-year-old when he was 30. Well, I was an immature 30-year-old. I don't care. Still a grown-ass man. And she found it repulsive. And it is, I think, pretty repulsive. I.

[0:41:47] Age of consent. I get that. Personally, I think that the age of consent should be narrowed in terms of the ages that can consent. In other words, if you're 16, maybe you can consent, unless the guy's 21 or like five years, whatever it is, right? But certainly, a reasonably Jesus looking rich and famous and charismatic comedian is a wee smidge of an overpowering mechanic regarding some girl who's barely in high school. Not a fair wooing at all. So like Megyn Kelly, like five minutes ago, was talking about how repulsive this was. And I think just today or yesterday or this week or whenever, she gave an oh so friendly interview to Russell Brandt. No problems, no worries, no problems, chitty chatty, everything's fine and sunny and blah. God, it's vile. So I had this commitment to truth. And let's say, well, I think it's probably fair to say.

[0:42:50] That there's been a fairly divisive scattering of pluses and minuses over me speaking the truth. Yeah, I would say that's true. I mean, the pluses, obviously, I have a good relationship with my own conscience. I'm happy. I didn't sign like Jordan Peterson did with CAA the Harvey Weinstein fucking agency, or get hopped up on benzodiazepines and end up with akathasia, which is hell on earth. I've staggered through the fire, emerged relatively unscathed, so it's brought storm and stress to my public life, diminished my reach considerably, of course, but.

[0:43:37] I'm speaking to mankind, and in particular, in the future, so they can look back and say, this is what society does to the truth-tellers. I mean, it's better than it used to be, not as good as it could be, for sure. So, in the public sphere, it has gained and cost me just about everything. I was the biggest public intellectual for quite a few years. Now, not so much, but that's all right, because the price of losing stadiums and playing jazz clubs, as I do, the prize of that, or I should say the prize of that, is you lose the public, but you keep the respect of your wife, your child, and your friends.

[0:44:21] And having my wife look at me with admiration, having my daughter show me respect, having friends who love me is worth a hundred thousand people in a stadium, all cheering your name, thinking you're the greatest, things since God invented pickleball. Sorry, that analogy may have gotten away from me a little bit, but I like pickleball. Just commit to telling the truth. The truth is a muscle that dies if you don't exercise it. Honesty, it's not like riding a bike, man. If you're dishonest for years, you lose the capacity for honesty. You lose the capacity to even remember that you're being dishonest. It just becomes the way you do things. You have to make that commitment to honesty and it's going to feel like hell. It's going to feel terrifying. Your heart will pound as you approach the truth. But you got to build up those muscles. I'm not saying you have to start with the very biggest thing. You don't necessarily have to open up the HR meeting with, hey, you know, ethnicity and IQ vary across population. I'm not saying you got to start with all of that stuff. Just little truth. Something bothers you, just say it. You want to talk to someone, go talk to someone. John.

[0:45:30] Commit to the truth. And if you commit to the truth, the joys that that brings you will have you look back at your former lies and manipulations as hell on earth, as hell on earth. I'll believe Russell Brand when he starts paying restitution to those he's harmed. Otherwise, he's just a wanker, a prat and a wanker. All right. Well, I appreciate everyone's patience with that speech. I hope it was helpful. Be honest, be honest, be honest. You've got the rest of your life to not tell the truth after you die, according to my recent caller, the mystic. You have eternity to not tell the truth. You have a very short slice of life

[0:46:14] wherein you can tell the truth. And for God's sakes, please, I'm begging you, do it. Do it. Be honest.

[0:46:15] A Call to Action

[0:46:21] All right. I appreciate your patience. People have come and gone in the queue, because I think they knew I was on a tear. And if you want to come on back, I promise to get you in. If you are just sort of reeling from the onslaught of language, I'm certainly happy to close it down. I'll just give a second or two in case people wanted to come back, or if you have any questions or comments about what it is that I've said, or criticisms, of course, more than welcome, to come in and speak your mind. All right, It looks like I have either answered everyone's questions or addressed something that's not an issue to anyone because people are quiet, which is totally fine. Thank you, all my friends, freedomain.com/donate. Hey, I'm honest about what I want, what I need, freedomain.com/donate to help out the show. Really, really would appreciate it. And it is very, very needed and very much appreciated, freedomain.com/donate. Take care, my friends. Thank you for a lovely evening. All the best.