0:08 - Opening Rant: Complaints About Assholes
2:20 - The Role of Sexual Access
5:00 - Women and Their Choices
7:07 - The Allure of Bad Boys
7:49 - Fearlessness vs. Sociopathy
8:36 - Complaining About Jerks
10:51 - Religion and Trauma
13:06 - The Market for Religion
16:26 - The Tension of Faith vs. Reason
18:54 - The Priest vs. The Agriculturalist
20:30 - Socialization and Inclusion
22:11 - Drama vs. Love
24:42 - The Trade-off of Bad Relationships
25:39 - The Nature of Complaining
31:52 - Outgrowing Your Mother
36:34 - The Cycle of Prey and Predator
42:37 - The Reality of Human Behavior
47:49 - Dealing with Unyielding Mothers
55:07 - Growth and Independence
1:00:43 - Closing Thoughts on Life Choices
In this episode, we dive into complex themes surrounding interpersonal relationships, particularly between women and the men they choose to engage with. The discussion begins with a personal anecdote featuring a woman in her 50s grappling with the harsh realities of her father's abusive behavior throughout her life. Despite her struggles, she finds herself ambivalent about cutting ties with him, leading to a fiery exploration of the broader cultural implications of such dynamics.
I address the apparent contradiction of women who repeatedly choose to engage with negative partners, yet complain about them afterward. This sets the stage for a deeper inquiry: why do women continue to pursue relationships with "bad boys"? I propose that sexual access serves as a powerful reinforcement for men, shaping masculinity and perpetuating cycles where women give their time and resources to unsavory partners. My central thesis urges a contemplation of personal accountability—if one consistently supports negative behavior, why then complain about it?
Throughout our conversation, I navigate the conflicting emotions surrounding dominance, aggression, and attraction in these relationships. The discussion ranges from historical dynamics, where men often achieved reproductive success at the expense of many women, to modern-day implications—you can't ignore the evidence of 'bad boys' becoming a recurring theme in women's romantic choices. I question societal norms and the prevailing narrative that suggests that being overly nurturing or forgiving toward negative individuals is somehow virtuous, even if it compromises one’s well-being.
We also touch on the strategies and mindsets involved in dealing with difficult relationships. As I answer questions from listeners, I explore the emotional struggles faced when engaging in therapy, comparing it to dieting—many fail due to lack of resolve and commitment. The importance of self-knowledge in therapy and personal growth emerges as a crucial point, leading to a discussion about the limitations of simply labeling all negative behaviors as 'evil' without understanding the complex human experiences behind them.
Towards the latter segment of the episode, we delve into the intricacies of familial relationships, particularly the challenges faced when adult children confront their mother's role in their emotional growth. I encourage listeners to consider their agency in establishing boundaries and the potential need to assert independence from those who undermine their personal development. The conversation encourages empowerment, urging individuals to take decisive action in fostering healthier relationships in their lives, whether with a partner, family member, or even friends.
Overall, the episode leaves listeners with thought-provoking insights into relationships and societal expectations, inviting a deeper examination of personal choices and their broader implications in life.
[0:00] All right. Hey, everybody. 1.30-ish on the 11th of February, 2025.
[0:08] And so this is before I forget. This is before I forget. There's a little rant here. Of course, this is just for donors, so we can go spicy as we want. So there's just a little rant here. And then I'm going to take some questions. I have another call in shortly, so we're just going to keep this out of an hour. So thank you so much for your support. Freedomain.com. If you're listening to this later, So I was talking to a woman yesterday, and it was a private call, but I asked her if I could talk about the themes in public, and she said yes, because it was a very good call, but it was a private call, and therefore I had to keep it private.
[0:47] So the general theme was this. So she's in her 50s, her father's in his 80s, and he's aggressive, abusive, and nasty, and sort of has been his whole life. And she's sort of complaining, you know, that there are these negative men in the world, and this, that, and the other, right? Now, her father had been married four times and had a whack load of kids. Her father had been married four times, and she, in her 50s, was sort of tortured by not spending time with him, by not seeing him, by not taking care of him as he aged. And so the rant that kind of erupted from me, testicle Vesuvius style, was something like this. Why on earth, why on earth are you women complaining about all these assholes in the world when you keep dating them, fucking them, marrying them, giving children, and taking care of them in their old age?
[1:45] So let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Have you ever known, have you ever known women who date assholes and complain about assholes? Just out of curiosity, have you ever known women in your life who date and give children to assholes and have sex with assholes, take care of assholes, nurse assholes, and then say, gee, there is a distressing plethora of assholes in the world.
[2:20] And I think, I'm not going to make this my sole mission, but I am going to make it a mission to put a stop to this, which is, I am no longer going to listen to women complain about assholes, If they keep having sex with assholes, if they keep dating them, if they keep pining after them, if they keep taking care of them, and if they keep marrying them and giving them children.
[2:56] So, it's kind of strange. I don't know if women know this or if they just kind of know this unconsciously, but sex, now you could say children and all of that, but you know, just sex as it stands. Sex is the ultimate positive reinforcement for males. You know, there were times in human history when, you know, a dozen females reproduced for every one male.
[3:29] Harem style, right? So, men cannot resist, foundationally, sexual access. Right? Men cannot resist sexual access. And so, if women provide sexual access to men, they are creating masculinity they are creating men they are rewarding with the ultimate reward, men as a whole and I didn't quite lose it with this woman but I suppose I was somewhat emphatic that if her father for more than half a century has been an asshole to her and he called all kinds of terrible names and was a bully and like just a terrible terrible guy all around.
[4:25] If her father was an asshole to her and all of the women now tell me if this is a male female thing maybe it's a male female thing for you i think it's more of a female thing but i don't obviously have a sample size of of me but i said what do the men say oh the men say your dad is a jerk and you shouldn't, right? But all the women are like, look, we should take care of him. We should visit him. We should make sure he's okay. We should be nice to him. We should forgive and forget and so on, right?
[5:00] Well, you know, men, we don't forgive. We just forget, but women may forgive, but they never forget.
[5:12] What is it? Now, I try not to get all kinds of judgmental. I mean, I'll probably fail, but I would try not to get all kinds of judgmental because, you know, I'm sure there are some vaguely decent evolutionary reasons for all of this, but literally, what the fuck? It's not so much that women seem to love jerks, it's that they love jerks or are turned on by jerks or have sex with and date and marry and give children to jerks and then take care of them when they get old and so on right, made servants to semi-sociopaths. It's that they keep complaining about jerks while pursuing nothing but jerks as a whole. In general, tons of exceptions. Tons of exceptions.
[6:16] What is it with the ladies and the bad boys? Help me out. Now, I mean, I kind of get, you know, well, the bad boys are confident and dominant and aggressive and don't take no for an answer and so on, right? Like Elon Musk, Elon Musk was talking, his mom was talking about how Elon Musk's, I think his father, right? was abusive and terrible and so on. And she left him or whatever, moved to Cape Town. And then he came and said, let's get married. She said, no. And then the guy went to her family and said, she's agreed to marry me. The family was surprised, but went along with it. And then the parents were like, here's 800 people at the wedding.
[7:08] She just kind of got, in a sense, dragged along behind this guy.
[7:23] I mean, it's a foundational thing. Ladies, who you bang is how the future is made. Who you bang determines the future of society, of your life, of your kids, right? And I get that women like, you know, the sort of dominant type and the aggressive type and the fearless type, right?
[7:50] It's the fearless type. But a man without fear tends to be sociopathic, because fear is a natural, normal, and healthy response.
[8:07] So I, I just, I'm having, I'm having trouble with this as a whole. You know, there's certain things about women that are really tough to follow. And for me, it's like, I can get, I can get the, finding the dominant, hyper alpha, cold-eyed, big abbed, Christian gray kind of guy to be sexy.
[8:37] But then why complain that there are assholes when you're literally breeding with assholes, that that's the part like that's the part that to me i can understand having a fetish for cold-eyed dominant men right, i i get that evolutionarily speaking right but what i don't understand is all the complaining, about, you know, that the sociopath who shows no fear is strangely emotionally unavailable.
[9:17] Oh my. Now, of course, men, I get this too, men, and I've, you know, crabbed at men in the call-in shows intimately about this as well, that if you just date women for their looks, then don't be shocked when there are shallow uh and and unaccountable women like women who won't can't be held to account i can't be held to any kind because there's always some other simp who's gonna rush in and and and take care of them and solve their problems and so on right my god.
[9:51] Or, you know, the, the me too stuff combined with, uh, well, you know, I told him no, and he just stopped trying what's wrong with him. All right. Let's, uh, let's get your questions and, uh, and comments a question for staff again. Thank you guys so much. Uh, don't, don't tip, uh, today cause this is just a bonus for you guys being supportive. So thank you. All right. U S strategic reserve announced and 27 U S states are considering investing public funds into Bitcoin. Question for Stef. My husband and I have been debating about the worth of religion. My stance is that religion provided people with wisdom that wasn't common at the time, or even now. He thinks there is objective morality outside of religion, but doesn't know much about the work you've done on the topic. I think primarily this issue is one of trauma for him, given his friend committed suicide. You actually had a call with him about this immediately after it happened, and his friend used religion. As the reasoning for why he did it but life would be better for him after death. He had a lot of mental health problems.
[10:51] So the topic itself is triggering, but how do you personally walk the line in your life of not believing in the existence of a God, but objectively valuing the principles and wisdom of the Bible slash religion? Better question yet, how did you square that conversation with Izzy? I'm imagining, wait, so we don't believe in God, but God is good anyway. No, that's not, that would be a completely contradictory statement to make.
[11:21] So, hit me with a why if you've ever known someone who's had health issues with their kids. The kids have had health issues that are beyond individual control. I certainly have experience to that.
[11:41] So if you've had parents with, you know, the kids have health issues, the kids get sick. And remember, you know, half of kids used to die before the age of five for a lot of our evolution. So religion allows you to manage your terror at the random and capricious nature of the universe. Your kid gets some horrible virus or something like that. And, you know, particularly for most of our evolution, we didn't have any way to treat that really. So you just had to, what could you do? You wanted to do something and you would pray and you would pray to God and you would make bargains and you would make deals. If my kids gets better, I'll do X, Y, and Z to promote this religion. So for religious people, when you, and I'm just telling you, it's a form of, you know, stress and anxiety management. that's kind of hard to, you know, kind of take away from people, but they, have kids who are half dying, and what can they do but pray?
[12:49] Now, the problem, of course, is that if you pray for God to make your sick child better, you have the, you know, pretty foundational question of, if God can heal the sick, why did he let your child become sick in the first place, right? But you kind of have to You just kind of have to blank out on that one.
[13:06] You have to put that aside, right?
[13:18] So, that's the price. Now, of course, the problem is that when people are generally helpless in society or sickness or whatever, right? And it's not just your kid. It could be your wife. It could be yourself. Are you sick? Oh, you're going to pray, right? So, the problem is that this creates a market for religion, and then what happens is the priestly class, the witch doctors, are now profiting from the helplessness in society. They're profiting from the helplessness in society. In other words, because people are helpless, they pray, they sacrifice to the God, they give to the priest or whatever. So that's because people are helpless, they do this stuff. Now, the problem is then you set up an economy which profits from helplessness, which is one of the reasons why the more theocratic societies tend to kind of stagnate. Because if you have an entire class of intellectuals who are profiting off the, helplessness of society, people in society, then anyone who comes along and makes them less helpless is, uh, messing with their business plan.
[14:34] The other thing, of course, is that when you have answers, so theological or superstitious answers, exactly like a drug, excuse me, exactly like a drug. So a drug will make you feel better in the short run, but cost you in the long run. I mean, I don't mean like, you know, you're getting surgery or something, an anesthetic. I mean, like, if you're unhappy and you snort cocaine, you'll feel better in the short run. But then you will feel worse. in the long run. Things will get bad in the long run. So, when parents need to tell their children, here's the right way to behave, right? Here's the right way to behave. What are they going to answer? Well, my invisible friend told me and has been the answer for most of human history. What is right? What is the good? What is right? Well, it's this list compiled by the all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good God, right?
[15:33] And that creates a market for an anti-rational, quote, explanation for ethics. And because it is not empirical, philosophical, objective, or rational, it is subject to exploitation, and so on, right? So that's really terrible, right? Whereas that which is rational is not open to exploitation because you either accept the reasoning or you doubt, right?
[16:04] So, religion to me, I understand, you know, you're waiting for the test back on your kid, right? Are they sick or not, or are they going to make it or not? And you want to do something, and you're desperate to do something, and you can't go and find a cure in the time, right? But so, you pray, right? And I understand that. It makes sense.
[16:26] It is a form of feeling like you're doing something. Of course, everybody knows, like, they've done these studies where they divide sick people into two groups. One group is prayed for, one group is not prayed for. The outcomes are the same, so it's not. But people want to feel like they're in control, and the only way to genuinely be in control is to slowly build up the science and free market and medicine, but that takes generations. That doesn't help your kid in the moment, right? So you want to feel like you have some influence or effect or control in the outcome of a sort of particular situation and you can't like if you're in the desert you can either build you can spend you know a generation or two building these like big boa style or dutch style irrigation systems right and then you can get get water but if your crops are dying of thirst you can't irrigate them.
[17:20] Quickly, right? You can't build that whole irrigation system. They'll be long dead. So the problem, and there's this tension in society, right? Do we plant trees or do we pray for shade, so to speak, right? So do we create these big irrigation systems that take a generation or two to build, and then we're pretty much guaranteed to have the water, or do we pray for rain? There's a big tension in society And They're at war with each other.
[17:57] Because the people who want to build the irrigation systems are accused of being without faith. And the people who pray are accused of not really doing anything, but just wanting the appearance of doing good. You know this whole thing of this sort of virtue signaling, what Elon Musk rails against, like the appearance of doing good, rather than actually doing good. The appearance of doing, it's like, I'll pray for you, is kind of along those lines. Obviously, it's passive-aggressive and so on, but...
[18:31] There's this big tension. Do we build rational structures to solve our problems or do we rely on faith? And if you want to wish James a happy birthday, I'm sure he wouldn't. It was yesterday. I hope that you will do so. He's a great guy. So that's the tension.
[18:54] You touched on this expertly in just poor yeah my novel just poor this is the big tension right the priest versus the agriculturalist right do you pray and and the priest in just poor is very clear on if you if your if your agricultural reforms create plenty it will lead people away from God.
[19:20] And there's a lot of tension there. Do you pray for rain, or do you build your 50 years of irrigation systems? All right, so let's get your questions and comments. Come in, sir. Oh yes trying to drill through the technical errors uh Stef I have a question it's actually Stef with a ph with an f not a ph just so you know uh Stef I have a question my wife is, as of late feeling very depressed because she feels as though she's left out in a group in group conversations and the people are indifferent towards her I've been trying to suggest that we can do something like improv to make her outgoing, or she read some books on socialization, but she doesn't want to do it. Do you have any advice? Okay, let me make sure I understand this. My wife is, as of late, feeling very depressed because she feels as though she's left out in group conversations, and the people are indifferent towards her. Right.
[20:30] Okay well let me ask you this jules does your wife believe that people owe her attention or inclusion.
[20:44] That is a sort of big, big question. And while you're answering that, somebody writes, one of the girls I met last month told me her ex was a psycho and he said he made her scared of men. Her friend was egging it on. I see so many girls that say this crap. A lot of people prefer drama to love. You know, love is not dramatic. I mean, I've been deeply in love with my wife for almost a quarter century. There's no drama. There's no ups and downs. There's no drama. There's just this daily, incredibly positive and pleasant life. There's no drama. But a lot of people who can't feel can only experience extremes. Like they can't feel emotions, they can only experience extremes. They've sort of burned out their adrenals on fight or flight. And so they can only experience life at the extremes. And therefore they can't pair bond. because pair bond is around sort of consistency and positive behavior and so on. So when women date guys who are psychos, my feeling is that they're just, they're kind of dead inside and they're just trying to jumpstart their emotions with extremes. And of course, you know, the whole childhood sound of the box of stuff. Somebody says, I believe there is some sort of trade-off women way in their minds. He's abusive, but there's this thing I like more than not liking being abused.
[22:12] Women's sexual fantasies are very dark as a whole. I mean, certainly the majority. It's also if we focus on the guy, we don't have to do the self-work on ourselves. Yeah. Well, and remember, most people, but we're just talking about women here. Maybe it's a little bit more among women. Most people only do what their friends approve of.
[22:39] So a lot of people like the drama and excitement of dating crazy people they do it's kind of addicted and so the question with a woman if if she's going to date some guy who's you know obviously unstable and and volatile or whatever it is right then it really doesn't come down to anything other than what will her friends think most people don't judge what is true they judge what is approved and now if her friends say listen if you date that you're out of the friend group Like if you date that guy, you're out of the friend group. I'm like, I care, I care about you enough that I'm not going to watch you get treated like trash. I just not going to do it. Like I can't possibly care for you and watch you, you know, voluntarily put your hand in a blender and hit frappe. Like there's just no way. Right. Whereas if it's just, oh yeah, no, we agree with you. Oh my God. What else did he do? Oh my God. That's such a, like, okay. Then they're just, they're, they're feeding, they're feeding you into the machinery. Right. And most social groups will feed you into the machinery.
[23:33] Somebody says i went out on saturday just to vibe at the bar with my homie, what is with the ghetto talk i don't understand that um i mean i'll make fun of it from time to time but what's wrong with just having some proper language i went out on saturday just to vibe at the bar with my homie dance with the hottest chick there and then she said she's done saw her again and told her let's dance again and she said we already did. I told her let's rematch and she happily obliged. Taught me how sometimes women want guts that don't immediately take, want guys that don't immediately take no for an answer.
[24:13] Okay, so you've got to dance with a hot chick. Good for you. I'm sure that's the foundation of a family. A theory on complaining women is a Western cultural narrative that a woman can tame a man if she's high value enough. Maybe it's a status thing. They don't want to give up on the arsehole because that hurts her vanity, and the resentment and shame bubbles up as complaints. He's just too blind to see how lucky he is to have me. The martyr-like suffering of staying loyal to the man becomes a badge of honor for them.
[24:42] So is it that I'm hard enough to tame the bad boy and therefore I need the bad boy to confirm how hard I am? Is that right? There are church marketing books that say to go after sick people, recently broken families, recent criminals, and appeal to their helplessness. They're good prospects to join. There are no atheists in foxholes yeah because we don't believe in collective delusions so we don't go to foxholes catholics are supposed to engage in works of mercy both corporal feeding the hungry clothing the naked healing the sick and spiritual teaching burying the dead visiting prisoners and the sick if able it's something that nuns and monks used to be somewhat famous for, well it's a nice bit of information i'm not quite sure where it fits in.
[25:39] All right, let's see here. Love is not dramatic, big agree. Yeah, it's really not. I mean, my wife and I don't, we don't have drama. We just enjoy each other's company. All right. She just feels it's been a pattern. Oh, this is the woman with the socialization. She just feels it's been a pattern for most of her life. She sometimes is upset that people react positively towards me on in some social situations and don't seem to engage with her as much she is shyer than i am but she's still pleasant with people she doesn't feel that she should have more attention when she speaks, pleasant with people.
[26:26] Pleasant with people, so what does it mean that she's pleasant with people that she just have sort of like, homilies and and cliches and it's nice weather that we're having for this type of year i mean she may not be shy she may just be boring i mean not saying in general or to you but but in in society and so on, right? So, uh, Stef, what can you tell someone who believes therapy is useless, especially when they see so many women in therapy for years who are still batshit crazy? It's kind of hard to argue against it. Well, there is actually studies that show that ignoring your problems reduces stress, right? So sometimes it's just like, eh, gonna, gonna ignore it, right? And, and, you know, most, most problems go away of their own accord, right? So, uh, if somebody says therapy is useless, what I would say is, well, would you say that dieting is a scam? In other words, would you say that if you take in fewer calories than you expend, do you think it's false that you will lose weight?
[27:33] Do you think that human beings are exempt from basic laws of physics and energy, that human beings can consume fewer calories than they expend and somehow not lose weight? Because if you believe that, then you should design a car that goes further the less gas you put in it. Like, that would be amazing, right? So, if you believe that dieting is a valid thing, right? Like you lose weight if you take in fewer calories than you're expending. Then my question would be, but a lot of people fail in their diets. Like 90% of people fail in their diets. So does that mean that dieting is wrong or that just people do it badly? So therapy, which is coming to important truths about yourself and your history and uncovering patterns so that you have more conscious control over your life direction. So do people do therapy badly sure and there are lots of people who go to the gym who don't get ripped what does that mean it just means that so there's therapy the theory and and what it does like dieting the calories in calories out and then there's what people do with it right and those are two different things right so would you say that dieting doesn't work because a lot of people fail in their diets right doesn't really make sense.
[29:00] Uh, somebody replied, therapy is only as effective as the work a person is willing to put in. I know lots of people in therapy who believe they can change their lives while still having their abusers and bad people in their lives. Well, I mean, certainly I'm not a therapist, but in my call-in shows, I'm bringing moral clarity to people's lives. I think that therapy as a whole would be better as a moral discipline than a self-knowledge discipline. So...
[29:29] That's not what a lot of people do. A lot of people, it's like navel-gazing, understanding themselves, and all of that. All right. I think you should tell them what you perceive and think, but there are things you don't see from a distance, especially his internal experience. So I wouldn't... I'm sorry, I don't mean... I missed that one, sorry. All right, Stef, what do you think, of one of the biggest causes of approach anxiety slash averseness to speaking with women for men is that they don't have enough just anger towards their mom. Ever since Kairos from our community here said this, I have an epiphany with respect to how I see women. I notice guys that haven't been confronted with their abusive mom usually suck at being direct with women.
[30:18] So you have to outgrow your mother in order to be a leader among women, you have to outgrow your mother right you have to outgrow your mother in order to lead women now again you know leadership is mutual in relationship my wife leads some areas i lead some areas but in order to be a leader among women you have to outgrow your mother, now there are a lot of mothers who were like nope fuck you kid you're not outgrowing me I'm hanging on to you till grim death. I'm going to cripple you. I'm going to undermine you. I'm going to emasculate you. You stay a small little serving functional little Lord Fauntleroy waiter boy. You're here to serve me. You're here to make me not lonely. You're here to make me feel wanted. You're here to make me feel needed. I don't have a relationship with a quality man, so I'm going to have a relationship with a birthed boy. Right, so your mother, a lot of times, certainly she's dysfunctional, your mother will fight and resist like hell you outgrowing her.
[31:27] So hit me with a why if you've seen this or experienced this. I certainly have, right? Hit me with a why if you've seen or experienced this, that your mother will not let you outgrow her, which means she will not submit to your authority on anything. She will not treat you as an equal or a superior in some areas.
[31:52] She will not take advice. she will not bow her angry will towards your authority or expertise.
[32:05] You cannot be a man without outgrowing your mother. Sorry, this is like not even a Freudian. This is self-knowledge sort of one-on-one. You cannot be a man without outgrowing your mother, right? And mothers, a lot of times, absolutely fiercely and pathologically and instinctually and deeply resist you outgrowing your mother. So if you have a mother, and listen, I'm in this fulcrum with my daughter right now. I'm in this fulcrum with my daughter where I do want her to challenge me. I want her to outthink me. I want her to outreason me. And I want her to teach me things because I need for her to have her own self-authority in her life and to not view me as some sort of ultimate authority figure who she cannot outgrow. oh, I don't want that. I want her to have authority in her own life and in her own future relationships. So it is really, really important that you teach your kids how to outgrow you. That's really the point.
[33:31] And, you know, she's very smart and she's very funny and she's going through a good cynical teenage phase. And so I really really need her to you know see my foibles my flaws some of my pettiness I need her to see me as fully human so that she is not trapped underneath this big giant toadstool head of mine where she can't get the sun not around self-insults because you know I'm still obviously I have a good deal of self-respect and pride in what I do in my life but yeah obviously far from perfect and all that kind of stuff. So then the question is, if you have a mother who won't let you outgrow her, who won't let you grow up, what do you do? If she just fiercely undermines, attacks and resists your growth, your evolution, if she's constantly trying to do things for you all the time, if she's constantly worried about you, which is a form of insult towards you, if she's constantly anxious about your future or anxious about what you're doing, if she's constantly having to remind you of things, if she's just constantly undermining your responsibility as an adult, and there's so many different ways that this happens.
[34:43] Then what do you do? What do you do? Somebody says, my brother really can't speak with women and has been romantically unsuccessful for as long as I can remember. He's the biggest simp for our mom too and can't say no to her. That's a really interesting comparison observation. So if you can't outgrow your mother, then you are easy pickings for controlling women. And women will say, like dating women will date you and say, oh, okay, this guy's broken by a mother. He comes pre-domesticated, pre-owned, pre-stamped, pre-spineless. So I can push him around and get my way. And if I ever have any trouble, I'll just side up with his mom and we'll both take him down. And she may get a certain amount of sick familiarity about that and all that kind of stuff. But of course, then what happens is, is what? Well, she has no respect for the man. And she's the number one reason that women file for divorce. The majority of women, the majority of divorces are filed by women. And the number one reason is dissatisfaction, right? So it's like, if you have a really quote, obedient woman, then you feel like, Oh, I'm going to get my way. But then you end up with the emptiness and the passive aggression and the sexlessness because she doesn't have much of an identity and then it doesn't work for you, right?
[36:08] The predatory women looking for broken men are the scariest women, and I can't imagine being so incredibly foul. Now, listen, I'm not going to argue you out of your anger, but you understand if you dump a bunch of sugar in a field, you're going to get ants. You're going to get mice. Like if you dump a bunch, like prey creates its own predation. It's not just as simple as, well, there are these predators out there.
[36:35] Like predators can't survive without prey. so everybody who goes out into the world in the form of prey you know they're they're kind of hesitant and their shoulders are up around their ears and they're just kind of nervous and their voice trembles and they won't look anyone in the eye they're just like eat me eat me eat me that's all they're doing is rubbing themselves with fish oil and jumping into a feeding frenzy of sharks.
[37:00] I mean go we don't right but you can imagine of course going in a cunning zebra suit into the serengeti in africa uh and then would you blame would you blame the lions for chewing your ass off no so i i get where you're coming from oh there's these poor these predators i just but it's the prey that creates the predators because predators cannot exist in a place where there is no prey, which is why all of the stuff that I talk about is like, stop being prey, stop being prey in your life, stop it, and stop blaming the predators when you're rubbing yourself a marinade and jumping into the lion's den.
[37:51] I mean, literally, it's like walking through the worst neighborhood in town with a bunch of $100 bills in your hands, and then like, I got jumped, man. It's like, you targeted yourself. You're out there in the world being obvious prey. Oh, but people prey on me. It's so terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Guess what? Sunshine, there are predators in the world. I don't mean to shock you. I don't mean to shock you, but there are predators in the world. And if you go around with your head up your ass, marinated, weak, helpless, and full of resources, you are going to get pillaged. It's going to happen. Sorry. And at some point, I stopped blaming the predators. Honestly, I do. At some point, it's like, well, where there's a big food source, there's going to be predators.
[38:56] So you understand that when you go out into the world as prey, you are drawing and provoking and making the saliva fall like rain from the mouths of the predators. So I don't know if you've ever been to Florida, you know, there's this thing in Florida, like don't feed the gators, right? Don't feed the gators because then the gators start associating people with food and they become more dangerous and blah, blah, blah, right? So don't feed the gators because if you feed the gators, we have to cull the gator because it's too dangerous, right? So the problem is, feeding the gators, right? Which is you're being prey in a sense, right? You're mimicking prey by giving food to the gators, right? Or my daughter and I used to enjoy the process of getting a seagull, so you get a French fry, so you hold the French fry up and you try to get that great photo where the seagull is taking the French fry, right?
[40:06] So what would happen? Well, sometimes you'd get a great photo of a bird feeding out of your hand. And you know what else would happen sometimes? You'd get bird shit on your face or on your shoulders or your hat or something like that. Got to the point where I was showing up in scuba gear almost. Right? Oh, I want to feed these birds. Oh, the bird poops on me. So mad at the bird. It's like you're feeding the bird. You're drawing the bird to you. You're feeding the bird, right? There's this old meme where this guy was saying that, uh, he would get, uh, uh, cats from the shelter and sort of keep them in his backyard. But every now and then the coyotes would come and eat the cat and he'd have to go and get another cat from the shelter. And his friend commented, it sounds like you're just feeding sheltered cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying and it was all kinds of terrible, right? But if you keep, quote, feeding shelter cats to coyotes, can you really blame the coyotes for being in the vicinity? You understand that complaining about predators is one of the most foundational elements of being prey.
[41:24] Complaining about predators is one of the most foundational elements of being prey. Because when you accept that there are predators in the world.
[41:37] When you accept that there are predators in the world, you guide your life accordingly and you stop complaining about it because you accept it as a reality, right? It's the old thing. You can complain that you get sunburns or you can slip, slap, slop, right? Slip on a hat, slap on some sunscreen, slip on a t-shirt, right? So stop complaining, accept the reality. There are predators and conduct your life accordingly stop complaining oh oh here comes okay i do think there is a bit of a difference between wild animals that are incapable of morality and human beings who are predatory because they're actively evil but yeah evil people are always going to exist just like natural predators so gotta not be prey well well thank you I appreciate this. This is an advice. This is like a PhD level course, right? And you're telling me, you know, you know, there are moral differences between people and wild animals.
[42:38] Oh, fuck, I gotta write that shit down. That's brilliant. That's genius. Not something I've been talking about consistently for 20 years. Thank you for stating the blindingly obvious.
[42:50] You know i appreciate the opportunity to speak to the post doctorate class in physics i just wanted to remind you that uh matter tends to attract matter you guys did you guys know that i mean you get a phd post phds in in physics but did you know did you know gases expand when heated.
[43:14] It's really cool i mean i don't mean to blow you guys minds but that's that's a fact Thank you. Just people can't resist, can they? People just, I do think there's a bit of a difference between wild animals that are incapable of morality and human beings who are predatory.
[43:39] Oh, it's delightful. People just, they cannot resist. Well, I really appreciate the opportunity to give my lecture to all of you guys who are doing postdoctoral work in advanced calculus and functions and relations. I just wanted to I just wanted to put this up here I'll put this up here on the board 2 and 2, they don't make 3 I just I wanted to like not have you think and they don't make 5 and they don't make a blue unicorn 2 and 2 make 4, you guys want to take a moment to absorb the brilliance of this 2 and 2 making 4 people and animals have different moral categories, people can't resist it I don't know why. I don't know why people can't resist it, but they can. Oh, oh, I have something blindingly obvious to say. That's smart.
[44:33] Stef, I'm going to cry. Maybe I'm just not very smart. I'm trying here. Oh, no, don't do self-pity on me, bro. Don't do self-pity on me. Oh, but you're making me sad. No, I'm just making some fun, right? I mean, you're just stating something blindingly obvious. Right you know that human predators like you know you talk about a serial killer as a predator but it's not the same as a coyote morally right we don't try a coyote and put him in prison right i get that and we know we know humans and animals have different moral categories.
[45:10] Oh my gosh i'm sorry i don't mean a lot i don't mean you know it's just it's just funny for me, so it is foul yeah i get it's foul i get it's foul but if you're honest come on man, okay let's let's do radical honesty time here i'm gonna be honest about it and i if you tell me this has never been the case for you you're lying you're absolutely lying okay, Tell me or tell me not, have you ever been in a situation with somebody who's so submissive that it provokes annoyance and aggression in you? Have you ever been in a situation, where somebody is around you and they are so submissive that it provokes dominance, annoyance, irritation, and superiority in you? Of course you have. I have. Right? Somebody's just quite so craven, you just want to smack him. Right? So this is how predators are created. This is somebody who's trying to turn you into a predator by being excessive prey.
[46:26] It's annoying and it can provoke irritation. I'm aware of this. I mean, this happens in call-in shows where people are just, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, okay. That they're just so submissive that it gets annoying, right? So people can, you all can say, oh, but these terrible predators out there, how to, you're them, I'm them. Come on, be honest. Stop abstracting yourself from the human experience and saying, oh, these terrible predators out there, I can't believe it's so terrible. Come on we all do it it happens to us all we all get provoked into a kind of predation, and aggression yeah predators are to some degree a pulled economy like it's a cycle right so predators on children create prey as adults which then draw more predators and you end up in this dominant submission hierarchy for the rest of your life unless you sort of break out of it okay So let's get back to moms. Got another few minutes here. Let's get back to the moms. What do you do with a mother who won't let you grow up? She won't let you become an equal. She won't treat you with respect. She won't learn from you. She won't treat you as an independent adult. What do you do with a mother who won't let you grow up? How do you get, how do you deal with that? How do you deal with a mother who won't let you grow up?
[47:50] Because my friends and I, when I was growing up, we had very different approaches to this. We had very different approaches to this. How do you do it?
[48:05] I mean, I think you can say, look, I need to grow up. I need to be an adult. And this is why in the just poor, this is why what happens between Lydia and Lawrence happens between Lydia and Lawrence. It's that old Serbs won't let her grow up. But isn't anyone who acts on these predatory impulses just an asshole who doesn't operate on morals? What do you mean acts on these predatory impulses? Are you saying that over the course, ah, big, big L1234, are you saying that over the course of your life, you've never had someone so submissive that you might get annoyed or snap at them? Never. You are so absolutely abstracted and holy and perfect that you have never been provoked into any kind of acted out aggression against somebody who is shaking and kneeling before you, which is kind of annoying.
[49:05] See, when you give these kinds of moral criticisms, you are coming from a place of deranged vanity are you saying that over the course of your entire life you've never snapped at someone who's being overly obsequious or never been raise your voice or never rolled your eyes or like, we all have and if you tell me you haven't you're lying because these are all instincts right.
[49:43] Okay, going to be Captain Obvious again. Well, you know, self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom, but there is a big difference between snapping at someone being pathetic in the moment and then devising plans to exploit them over the long term. And? And? You know, I just wanted to tell you, I just wanted to tell you, Stef, that stealing a single piece of bubble gum is less bad than plotting to steal an entire bank vault over six months. Now, see, I need you to up your standards, right, about how you're contributing, right? There is a difference between something which is less bad and something that is really bad, right? But what this person said, but isn't anyone who acts on these predatory impulses just an asshole who doesn't operate on morals? So what you're saying is that either you're an asshole who doesn't operate on morals, or you've never acted on these predatory impulses. Never acted on these predatory impulses. And if you tell me you've never acted on these predatory impulses, you're just lying to me because we all have. Everybody has. I'm a pretty good guy. I certainly have.
[50:57] I think my IQ is caps at chicken body temperature. No, self-insults don't solve it. I knew a wimpy kid like that in high school. I was happy for him when he finally started to grow up here and started asserting himself. Well, that's the Crispin Gloving character in Back to the Future, right?
[51:20] No, so if it's obvious to you, it's obvious to other people. That's all. I try not to act on these impulses, but I don't like it when I do it, although some have been far worse. No, I get it. I get it. I have to, you know, grip my teeth and restrain myself, but I'm not saying I'm never going to say in my life, I never acted on aggression when confronted with pathological, uh, obsequiousness. Yeah. I mean, we all have these instincts for sure. So I just sort of wanted to point out that if you say, Oh, the people who act on these impulses are just evil. And it's like, all right. So you're just telling me that you don't have a realistic assessment of your own capacity for virtue and vice.
[52:15] You know, like, I find it annoying. I get it. This is a tiny, tiny little pet peeve of mine, right? So, you know, these waiters, like, and you order your food and they're like, perfect. It's like, it's not perfect. I'm having a club sandwich. Oh, perfect. Perfect. It's like, you're going to give me a platonic ideal of a perfect club sandwich? Is my choice perfect? How would you even know? How would you judge it? Maybe i don't want that but it's the best and healthiest thing for me and maybe i actually want a chocolate bomb vesuvius crater or something like that right but just oh perfect it's like, stop it it's not perfect it's just my order i have an excellent choice it's perfect, or you know if you uh no you're good no you're good you're good you're good it's like what are you telling me i'm good for you don't know you don't even know really what i'm talking about so just all these people who come in and it's you know you're good oh perfect that so this is a manipulation on the part of the waiter right yeah perfect right there's world peace or a club sandwich now world peace would be perfect i get that a club sandwich a little tough to put into the same category?
[53:39] Um, but I get it. They're, they're praising you. Oh, perfect. Your choices are perfect. Everything you do is perfect so that you'll tip them better. Just feels a bit gross. That's all. You know, like just, just bring my, my food and be a generally pleasant waiter and, uh, check in with me and that's fine. But you don't need to say that what I'm choosing is perfect. Perfect.
[54:05] All right. Stop sucking my toes and calling me a, calling yourself a podiatrist. Uh, I also think petitions, positions of authority make it worse. The older I've gotten in my lab, the more new people need my help. And the power imbalance is greater. It takes conscious effort to not get upset when they ask me stupid things day in and day out. Really? So you're saying that having power over obsequious people tends to make people more aggressive. And you think that other people are saying stupid things. Come on, man. That's obvious. You know, when it comes to abusing power, uh, more power can lead to more abuse. I am a big brain. Now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you're spending time around dumb people, but you're not around dumb people, right? You're not, you're not around dumb people. So you just have to up your game. But the funny thing is, is you're complaining about people saying silly things that are blindingly obvious. And you're saying literally in the same sentence, a silly thing that is blindingly obvious.
[55:08] Well uh power tends to corrupt yeah yeah lord acton said it 150 years ago we got it we got it yeah all right yeah so um if a woman if your mother won't let you grow up you you ditch her.
[55:28] Like you're gonna grow up this was sort of my like i'm gonna grow up you're on board or you're gone, right? Like you're, I'm going to grow up, you're on board or you're gone, right?
[55:42] I'm going to continue to mature. I'm going to continue to be wise. I'm going to continue to dig in and try and make the best out of my life. You're on board or you're gone. To me, it's like, okay, this ship is leaving the dock. You're on the dock. You're on the ship. if you're in the middle, you're in the water.
[56:10] So yeah, when my mother wouldn't let me have a voice or have a word or grow up or have perspectives or opinions that differ from hers, it's like, bye. Oh, bye. And I can't imagine, I want to tell you, I can't imagine how crushingly depressed I would be if I hadn't made that choice. Oh my God, just monstrous.
[56:34] And listen, I'm not trying to be mean to you guys are donors and all of that. And, you know, at some point, I'm sure you'll totally figure out and understand that when I kind of give you this shock, like you've been around dumb people or average people, and now you're around smart people. So you have to up your game in terms of the contributions.
[56:51] Like two plus two equals four is great for kindergarten. It's not great for graduate school. So I'm just, I'm just challenging you to up, stop saying things that are obvious and to up your contribution to stop because this is automatic behavior right because if you thought ahead of time about whether saying you know the more power you have the more you can be dominant with people it's like that's the entire definition of power is being able to be dominant over people right that's why when the pizza guy in the car says you need to pull over you won't but when the cop says it you will because the cop has a gun right so we all know this it's all very obvious very blinding. It's all we experienced in school, we experienced in church, we experienced in dysfunctional families. So I'm just, what I'm doing is challenging you to stop regurgitating obvious fortune cookies and thinking you're adding something and start to think creatively and alive in the moment.
[57:46] That's the challenge, right? Since I'm on a night shift, it's hard to catch daytime streams. Yes, that is obvious. So is saying Stef gives great advice and I think worth supporting. Good book. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's worth reminding, worth reminding all right any other last questions comments issues challenges problems i've got a call in this afternoon and uh this week we're gonna get started on this new book now that my health is back from the near-death experience of close to terminal conjunctivitis i can't open my eye.
[58:21] Uh, somebody says, well, to my credit, my brain power is at a low and I'm over emotional because of crazy pregnancy hormones. So I just asked for a little mercy, LOL. I did cry, but I cry at everything. So it's fine. I'm trying. Well, see, that's the thing. That's the challenge, right? So if you say, well, I said a blindingly obvious thing, and then you say, well, but I've got all these hormones and, and, and all of that kind of stuff. Well, but if you know that, then you should pause and ask yourself if what you're doing is really going to contribute to the conversation. Now, what you did does contribute to the conversation. And listen if it's any consolation if it's any consolation i do this to myself on a regular basis like why is it shows continue to be innovative and new and new ideas because i, grindingly try to avoid repeating myself as much as possible and i grindingly filter and say is this obvious before i say something is this obvious is this too obvious is this so and and there are times when i do say things that are blindingly obvious i can't remember the details but I was saying something to my daughter the other day. And then I just paused and I said, that was so blindingly obvious.
[59:26] I'm so sorry. Like that was just, that was such a blindingly obvious thing to say. It was something along the lines of, uh, you have to, um, you have to anticipate traffic further ahead, the faster you're going. Right. And then I was like, I'm so sorry. Like that's, that's, that's ridiculously obvious. You're far too intelligent to have to be told that. and I'm really sorry about that. I have to point this out. I do it with myself and it's one of the ways that I keep myself, I think, at a fairly high level of productivity and value is that I just have to be relentless in not saying things that are obvious. And so I'm just inviting you into that same space, right? No-fault divorce has been a disaster. Well, the no-fault simply means that the fault accrues to the children, which is very sad. All right.
[1:00:19] Now, uh, let me, and congratulations on your pregnancy. That's a beautiful thing. And, uh, mommy brain is a real thing. I get that my wife had to sometimes get back from the car three times cause she forgot stuff. I mean, you've made a whole new brain and it takes a while for yours to recover. So I sympathize with that. I really do. And love, love the fact that you're going to be a mom. And I think that's beautiful and wonderful. So don't take this in any particularly negative, uh, negative way. Right.
[1:00:44] Uh all right so um so i'm gonna say oh yeah hit me with a um why if you're okay with this going to the general stream i know this was a donor stream only but it's nice sometimes for people to see what goes on behind the closed flickering fiery doors of infinite intellect in its collective sense so hit me with a why if you're okay with this going to the general stream hit with an n if you think it should be kept in the hallowed halls of uh the donor only okay it looks like everyone's fine with it okay i just wanted to check on that all right i you know you ever have this thing in life help me out okay are you help me out for once you selfish people i'm just kidding, but once just help me i cannot i i don't want to eat anything these days i'm i'm literally bored with just about everything that i want to eat i don't know what it is i don't know what it is, it's a strange it's a strange thing.
[1:01:40] I'm just like, I'm like, eh, I could eat this, eh, I could eat that. I don't know. Maybe it's just post-illness or whatever, but it's an odd thing. I don't know that. I mean, I've probably had this before at times in my life, but yeah, maybe I'm pregnant. Maybe. Pregnant pause. Pregnant with thought. Hibachi for me. Yeah, maybe I go and try some Korean hot pot or something or kimchi or... I just, I'm like, this is what happens when you're 58. It's just you get bored of everything that you've eaten, and you're just like, oh, it's just boring fuel. I'm literally, I'm not eating because I'm just bored of everything that there is to eat. I'm like, oh, I could have this. Have some trail mix.
[1:02:23] Nothing is that yummy for either. Maybe my, I don't know, maybe my taste buds diminished over my illness. I don't know. Maybe a little inner step finally realized it's not scarce. Yeah, maybe. New cultural food ideas. Every meal is old now. Try something new. yeah you see now that's an obvious thing right uh oh if you're bored of what you have you should try something new like i haven't that hasn't crossed my mind at all that's just kind of funny right keep my weight down yeah weight is good weight is good weight is uh weight is good, so all right well uh if you have any ideas you can let me know um hosted freedomain.com but thanks everyone for your support of course the fact that you are donors means the world to me and i hope that you know that any correction or mockery i do comes with a healthy dose of love and affection on the side and i um i appreciate your support freedomain.com slash donate if you would like to help out the show and fdrurl.com slash locals if you would like to subscribe and be part of these um super duper top brain live streams i would appreciate, that all right have yourself a lovely day everyone take care my friends talk to you soon bye Thank you.
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