0:00 - Opening the Conversation
16:30 - Recognizing the Real Issues
24:16 - Unveiling Family Secrets
24:35 - The Unraveling of Truth
52:10 - The Weight of Loyalty
58:29 - Acceptance and Reality
1:05:04 - The Fork in the Road
1:08:27 - The Path Forward
In this episode, we dive into a complex conversation centered around family dynamics and boundaries with a caller grappling with his mother's new relationship. The discussion begins with the caller's concern over his mother dating a man who made inappropriate advances towards his underage sister. The caller feels a sense of protectiveness towards his sister and confusion regarding whether his motivations are rooted in a desire to punish his mother for past grievances or genuinely care for his family.
We explore the family's response to the situation, highlighting the stark differences in viewpoints between male and female relatives. While some family members acknowledge the problematic nature of the relationship, they excuse it due to the mother's recent health struggles, thus prioritizing her happiness over that of the caller and his sister. This reflects a familial culture of enabling and an unwillingness to confront uncomfortable truths.
As we delve deeper, the caller reveals the emotional toll past traumas have taken on him, including a profound sense of low self-esteem and the struggle to establish his identity outside of his family's dysfunction. He's been locked in a cycle of seeking validation from family members, perpetuating an environment where he feels the need to diminish his own needs to protect others, particularly his mother.
Through thoughtful questioning, we unpack the notion that the caller's financial and emotional sacrifices to protect his mother have only led to his own distress and inaction. I encourage him to recognize that this behavior is unhealthy and self-destructive, arguing that the family's well-being cannot come at the cost of his personal development or his sister’s safety. The dialogue shifts toward a realization that protecting his sister may mean setting firm boundaries with their mother, who seems to manipulate familial loyalty for her interests.
Throughout the episode, we examine the pattern of avoidance present in the family structure. The caller acknowledges that confronting these issues feels daunting, as it threatens the stability he's known. Ultimately, we arrive at the understanding that genuine growth entails making difficult choices and establishing boundaries, even if it means distancing himself from toxic family relationships.
As the conversation wraps up, the caller expresses a newfound clarity regarding his personal responsibility and the possibility of a healthier future. He recognizes that in order to care for others effectively, he must first prioritize his own mental well-being. I encourage him to share his journey moving forward and reassess his relationships through a lens of self-respect and integrity, reiterating that liberation lies in choosing healthier connections and saying no to the dysfunctional patterns of the past.
[0:00] Hello.
[0:00] Hey, how's it going?
[0:01] I think I've misplaced my question, but I can talk about the issue at hand, if that's okay.
[0:11] Yep, hit me.
[0:13] Right, so I guess the core of the question was, am I trying to punish my mother?
[0:20] This came to a head recently where, well, my mother and my sister are going to a party. and at this party there was a gentleman in his late 50s who'd made a move on my sister my sister's uh extremely young um just turned 18 and my sister notifies the guy i'm a minor blah blah blah um mom's you know mom steps in and starts talking to the guy shortly thereafter well a couple weeks later they start dating um trying to raise the issue to my mother mother than turns on me and states uh well it's your that is my well me and my sister had confronted my mom and she turns to us and says well it's your sister's fault you know with how she was dressed uh she let the guy on you know that's why i came to approach her and so this became a bit of a problem within the family and i've been going to other family members and just trying to raise this issue of look um we have an issue here where there's a gentleman in the household who my my sister's uncomfortable with um but i've been met by accusations of uh first one.
[1:22] Was i have an oedipal complex i don't want my mom to start dating people uh go that's the reason why i'm stepping into this issue or the fact that i'm trying to punish my mother due to um past traumas and conflicts that we've had um so that's the whole issue sorry are you talking to male or female relatives here both i've talked to my aunts and uncles okay and is it the case that both your your aunts and your uncles are doing this silly Freudian psychoanalysis stuff?
[1:50] No, that was my aunt.
[1:52] Okay, so that's because I was going to say that's not a particularly male response to say, ah, Oedipal complex, that would be more of a female psychologizing bit of nonsense to avoid the actual argument and attempt to appeal to your insecurities. Okay, so what did the men say in the family?
[2:12] Oh so they uh the word from them is yeah no i think there's a well there's an issue with your mother however um she's really unwell you know she's had a hard time parenting isn't easy and we're bound to make mistakes really unwell did they say yeah and what does that mean like physically, um well she was just in hospital a couple of months ago um and she's come out now she's, so back then there was a bit of a scare that I might have lost her and so they're just saying look it hasn't been the easiest year for her and this is a shot of happiness really so you know let's just let things drop and let's let her enjoy her happiness whilst we have her okay interesting.
[2:59] So the happiness of your mother is very important. The happiness of your sister is unimportant.
[3:07] Essentially. Yeah, I think, like, my sister's now, because I live on my own, my sister still lives with my mother. She's been messaging me and letting me know that, you know, it's extremely awkward in the household, and I've been talking to her. And it seems like old cycles of what I'd had before with her, where she just almost dehumanizes you almost in a sense it doesn't matter what you want it's more what she wants right and as long as she gets what she wants everyone's happy but if you displease her in any way if you um if you cause any problems um then it's trouble okay got it so, how old is the relationship between your mother and this guy, Oh, very young. They've been seeing each other for about 11 months.
[3:58] Okay, so not that young. It's not like a month.
[4:01] Right? Yeah, not like a month.
[4:03] Okay, so mother's boyfriend creeps on barely legal sister, right?
[4:10] Yeah.
[4:13] And what are your sister's opportunities to not be living with your mother?
[4:18] Can she come stay with you?
[4:19] No.
[4:21] Um she can't i'm in a completely different um part of the country and she needs to go to school, and so where her colleges that's where my mom's house is at the moment um so we're now looking for i guess ways for her to i guess get her own accommodation um but that'll take some time to prep uh why um just in terms of uh well job and everything else how getting her to support herself and things like that i mean um can you help yeah i can't help her yes yeah i can okay doesn't she need to doesn't she need to get out i mean if this creeps around this could be negative it could actually be quite dangerous right it could be dangerous yeah um i guess my thinking was that well, this is a very simple issue in terms of my mom's fault. How can you not see what you're putting your daughter through? Could she not deal with it rather than me, I guess? Could your mother not deal with it? No, in terms of, I see it as a very simple issue in terms of my mother. It's just a simple modification of behavior. I don't know what you're talking about.
[5:32] What do you mean? What is a simple issue? What modification of what behavior? I don't understand what you're talking about.
[5:36] Sorry.
[5:37] Slow down, man. Bring me along for the ride. I'd like to join you on whatever journey you're on.
[5:43] Sure. What I mean is, like with friends, you see a friend is doing wrong. People have raised this to your friend. You raise an issue to your friend, and your friend goes, ah, I see the error of my ways, and then they try to change. No, but your mother doesn't do that. No, she doesn't.
[5:59] So do you think that that's going to start happening? How old is your mother?
[6:06] Not exactly.
[6:06] Exactly. Is she in her 50s or 60s or?
[6:09] Late 40s.
[6:10] Late 40s. Okay.
[6:11] Yeah.
[6:12] So she's, and you're obviously older than your sister, right?
[6:19] Yeah.
[6:20] So your mother is pushing a half a century, and this is who she is, right?
[6:27] I guess so, yeah.
[6:29] No, I mean, I'm not trying to, I mean, I view this as a gift.
[6:35] I'm obviously could be completely wrong about all of this but this is so such such such uncontroversially horrendous behavior that she's giving you an immense gift hmm I mean I get you don't want to open the present but it is an immense gift I it's it's so it's so absolutely horrendous outlandish appalling disgusting vile predatory and enabling, then what possible ambiguity could there be left as to the nature of your mother? Oh, yeah, no. But that's, I guess there's a rub, because culturally, for us, it's, there's this whole stigma around, if I get where you're heading here, it's, you know, I guess, branching off from your mother and just sort of living your own life. You know, she is who she is, and she is not likely to change. Like for us, for my family.
[7:39] Sorry, are you calling me with the argument that there's a cultural norm invented by bad parents that you always have to spend time with bad parents? Is this your counter-argument to me? I mean, I'm not sure who you think you phoned, but maybe you got the wrong number, maybe you're looking for, you know, philosophy conformity 101 guy, but I don't know who... I'm not sure why you're calling me and saying, well, but, you know, there's this cultural standard invented by abusive people that you can't ever draw boundaries with abusive people. And I'm like, well, yeah, of course they would do that, right?
[8:18] Yeah.
[8:20] And news at 11, government schools tend to be pro-government. I mean, okay, so there's a cultural standard invented by abusive people, which says you always have to spend time with abusive people. Yeah, I get that.
[8:34] It's it's the tax right it's the tax and the involuntary relationship so i hope you're not calling me to tell me that this standard exists as if i didn't know i also hope you're not calling me, to tell me that this standard is something that should be respected no no no no um and look i mean i'm i'm happy to hear the arguments but it's like saying you know Stef i i brought truth and reason to people and they're uncomfortable with it i'm like yeah and that's the deal right yeah, but this even even by i mean even by the family is cult status or standards this is pretty egregious and.
[9:19] It is a little surprising to me that no one has any problems with it at all.
[9:28] Well, I think it comes down to that cultural thing, wherein regardless of whatever issues they may be in the family or we may have with a person, suppress it all just to maintain that relationship. It doesn't matter what they're doing, the harm that they're doing, just ignore it all just to have that relationship.
[9:49] But it's not about love for family, right? It's not about do what's good for your family, right? It's not about family first. Because this guy's not family.
[10:04] No, no, this is not funny.
[10:05] Stop laughing.
[10:07] Sorry, yeah.
[10:08] This is not funny. This guy's not family. If family is so important, well, your sister is family, and this guy is some random creep who's banging your mom.
[10:19] Yeah.
[10:19] He's not family. So if it's, well, family, family, family, then why would you choose a non-family member, a virtual stranger, over your sister? Not you, but why would the family member do that?
[10:38] I guess my only answer to that would be they care more about just maintaining my mother's happiness, or they don't want to entangle themselves in this issue, So it's just, well, status quo, whatever the mom says, you know, she wants this guy. Cool. You guys deal with it and we'll just carry on by ourselves.
[10:55] Okay. So then it's not about family, right?
[10:59] No.
[10:59] So what is it about?
[11:01] Yeah.
[11:01] Because your sister is the family member most in need of protection, right? And so if they're throwing your sister to this predatory boyfriend, then clearly family Family and protection is not the principle. So what's the principle?
[11:22] I guess serving their own interests and needs above anyone else's.
[11:30] That's too generic, though. What does that mean in practice?
[11:34] Oh, I guess in practice it's just, screw you guys, I'm getting my happiness. What I want goes, and whatever discomfort or unhappiness that may lead for you doesn't matter.
[11:50] But you just basically said the same thing with more syllables.
[11:53] What is the principle that people are operating under?
[11:57] Because, I mean, there's what people say.
[11:59] And then there's the truth.
[12:00] Right?
[12:01] True, yeah. I guess I wouldn't know how else to put it besides my own interests and needs above yours.
[12:09] No, but I mean, my own interests and needs is a pretty common thing, and there's not necessarily any immorality around this, right?
[12:16] No, there isn't. No. Hmm. Can you just back off a bit from the mic?
[12:24] I'm getting quite a lot of breathing noises.
[12:26] Ah sorry thank you got one of these awful headsets um yeah is that a bit better for you so yeah so what is the principle at work here now if we say well everybody just wants to make your mother happy right well this having a guy who's this creepy and inappropriate and wrong and obviously willing to betray her with her own daughter.
[12:59] I mean, this is seriously horrible stuff, right?
[13:04] So it's not going to make her happy in the long run or probably even in the short run that much to be with a guy like this.
[13:11] Right?
[13:12] Right.
[13:12] So it's not about your mother's happiness.
[13:15] Yeah.
[13:16] It's not about your sister's happiness or protection, of course.
[13:21] Us it's not about your happiness or protection so what is it about, i guess is it not about um getting getting involved with difficult things but you see that it may be difficult to um there's an issue here with i guess for my relatives they see that okay there may be an issue with her and this relationship but i don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm having to work hard or, you know, I don't work too hard for this thing, so I'll just keep myself to myself and just let that situation be.
[13:59] Well, okay, but I mean they will have to work hard if this guy, I mean, he's going to go off the rails at some point or another, either with your sister or with someone else, or it's going to be an affair or whatever it is, right? I mean, this is just a guy with no sexual boundaries and no sense of appropriateness and no sense of the effect of his actions, right?
[14:19] Yeah.
[14:20] Now, but it is a guy who's accurately assessed the true nature of your family.
[14:28] Yeah, no, I'd say... I mean, he's on the nose.
[14:30] Right? He's bang on. He has rolled the dice, and he's got the perfect score.
[14:35] Yeah, and a vulnerable daughter, and...
[14:37] Yeah, most people would be, like, pretty appalled, right? And he took a big risk, right? Because especially with social media, if your family were to say, oh, this guy, you know, creeped on the daughter of the woman he's dating or whatever, right? And you hashtagged his name or whatever, I mean, that's a big risk these days, right?
[14:54] Yeah. Funnily enough, he's got a massive social media profile, so it would be a risk for him. Okay.
[15:03] So he accurately assessed that he was going to be fine?
[15:08] Yeah.
[15:11] And you're surprised, right?
[15:16] By his assessment? No, no, you're surprised.
[15:18] Right, because obviously you went to your family members with this story in the hopes that they'd be like, well, this is appalling. We've got to have a sit down with your mother. We've got to protect your sister, like all this stuff, right?
[15:29] Yeah, yes.
[15:30] So this guy, the bad guy in this conversation, according to what you say, he has a better understanding of and comprehension of and assessment of your family than you do.
[15:46] That's correct, yeah. Because he did what he did at great risk to himself.
[15:50] And he accurately assessed your family's pathetic spinelessness and enablement and appeasement. And you were like, no, no, no, I'm going to get everyone to be upset about this and work to protect my sister.
[16:06] And I didn't get, yeah, they didn't come to protect.
[16:09] Which means a bad guy understands your family way better than you do. And I'm not saying this as a criticism, that just seems to me the empirical fact.
[16:18] No, I wouldn't disagree with you, though.
[16:20] Okay, so listen to the bad guy. He's telling you exactly who your family... He's doing you a solid.
[16:26] Hmm.
[16:28] He's doing you a favor.
[16:30] He's saying to you.
[16:31] Hello, wakey, wakey, this is who they are. I sussed them out perfectly. You don't have a clue.
[16:41] Yeah.
[16:41] You're running around drinking piss and trying to call it wine. I know what it is.
[16:45] Yeah.
[16:46] Exactly. So what are you calling me to ask about? And I don't mean this in any negative way. I just want to make sure I'm serving your needs as best I can.
[17:00] Um... Well, I guess with what I was heading with this was maybe there was more fault with me. And in terms of my relationship with my mother before, maybe I was actually trying to punish her. Maybe there could be an element in which these guys are right. What do you mean trying to punish?
[17:21] I don't understand what you mean when you say trying to punish her. This sounds like more wine-ante-psychologizing, but I'm certainly happy to hear the theory.
[17:30] Well, it's just that. But whenever there's been issues or friction between my mother and my sister or my mother and me, I've been, I guess, I push for her to try and change, to try to see her children as people. I'll characterize as, you know, to try and understand our needs as people.
[17:49] So I understand that. And that's a fine thing to do. But you're in your 20s now, right?
[17:55] I'm in my 20s. Yeah.
[17:59] So for how long have you been trying to summon an illusory conscience in your mother?
[18:05] I would say for the past five or so years, I stepped out of a deep depression and I sort of looked around me and I saw, look, this family is disastrous. It's extremely dysfunctional. So what can I do to try and make it better? I would like for us all to stay together. So let me try to at least be the voice of reason and try to sort of bring about positive ideas. Okay, so you've been working at this for half a decade.
[18:29] And this is the result.
[18:31] This is the result, yeah.
[18:34] So, what does that tell you?
[18:37] It's a fruitless endeavor.
[18:39] Well, it's worse than fruitless. It's self-destructive.
[18:42] Yeah.
[18:42] It's costing you everything. How's your dating life?
[18:49] I've just stepped out of a very painful relationship. relationship right how long did that last for lasted for two years why did that end it because uh, She wanted me to be someone that I wasn't, and essentially it was that. She got angrier and angrier and angrier when I wouldn't fit what she envisioned who I'd be. And yeah, that led to the breakup.
[19:20] Really? She didn't have any problems with your family?
[19:26] She did. One example that I can bring up was after... Well, after my mom had raised, um, that, well, my dad, well, the facts of my real father, for 20 odd years, I thought, well, this guy was my dad and that he isn't. You thought my real dad.
[19:46] Slow down, slow down.
[19:47] You thought what? Sorry. Um, she told me the truth of my father. No, I get that.
[19:51] For 20 years, you thought what?
[19:53] That one guy that we'd lived with, um, an alcoholic was extremely abusive. She, I thought that that was my father. And well, you didn't think that was your father. I yeah you were told yeah right you would you were told I was told and it was reinforced that you should try you know the culture thing maintain a relationship with him he's your father you can't sorry what do you mean maintain a relationship with him why wouldn't you I mean did he leave, um no well I guess he did if your mom's dating someone new right yeah he we ran away from him And we ran away and he tried to come into our lives, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't.
[20:33] Sorry, we slow down, brother. Jesus.
[20:35] Sorry.
[20:36] Are you, are you high at the moment? Like, holy crap.
[20:38] No, I'm just.
[20:39] You think I'm able to follow what the hell you're talking about? Okay.
[20:43] So slow down.
[20:44] You, for 20 years, you said your mother lied to you about your father and said, this guy's your dad when he wasn't. Is that right?
[20:52] Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
[20:53] All right. So then you say we ran away from him. At what age were you when this happened?
[21:02] So I was about 18, 17, 18, when me, my mother, and my sister, when he went to work, we got in a car and left for... Okay, but this was your mother's decision.
[21:14] I assume, right?
[21:16] This was my mother's decision, yeah.
[21:17] Okay, so there's no we here, right? I mean, your sister was like in her mid-teens, right? Early teens.
[21:23] Yeah. Okay, there's no we here.
[21:25] I mean, you're dependent on your mother, you're 17 or whatever it is, you know, you're still legally not an adult and your sister is much younger. So there's no we here. Your mother ran away from him and brought you with her, right?
[21:39] Yeah. Okay.
[21:41] And then you still didn't know that this wasn't your biological father, right?
[21:46] No, no.
[21:47] And when did you find that out or when were you told that?
[21:50] I was told that last year. And why were you told that? um she said that this was when i'd moved into my girlfriend at the time and she said you look like you look to be in a stable um well you look to be stable in this you know part of your life right now so i thought i'd sort of tell you the truth of who your father is okay but why why would she tell you um she had said that the it's going to be a bit awkward um but the guy who i thought was my father i guess we'll call him dave um she told me that david found out um that i wasn't his son and he had been he had then started making threats to her and making threats to my biological logical father. And how did Dave find out that you weren't his son? Uh... So apparently they'd done some DNA testing at some point.
[22:52] Oh, like a blood type, or maybe a blood type was impossible or something like that, right?
[22:56] Yeah. And over time as he grew watching me, from him, he had said that, you know, he could see that I wasn't growing into, I did, because I don't look like him at all. and sorry at what age were you when the biological testing was done or when he the dna testing or whatever it was what age were you when your stepfather found out he wasn't your real father, so uh this was this was done without me being aware they'd done i think was it a mouth scraping, to get some saliva and uh send it off for testing so this was performed i think when i was uh late 18s. And this is what I was told.
[23:41] Oh, so your stepfather found out that he was the victims of almost two decades of paternity fraud?
[23:47] Essentially, yeah.
[23:48] Sorry, what do you mean by essentially?
[23:50] No, no, that's correct. He found out that.
[23:52] And your sister?
[23:54] My sister is his.
[23:56] Oh, so she's your half-sister?
[23:58] She's my half-sister.
[23:59] And your biological father, what's his story?
[24:02] Well, he He didn't know, and this all was born from a one-night stand with my mother when they were still at uni. So he had gone off and lived his life without knowing that he had a son.
[24:17] And so some 20-year-old years later, he gets a phone call saying, hey, you have a son, this is his name, blah, blah, blah.
[24:29] How did your mother pass you off as your stepfather? Was she cheating on your stepfather with your father?
[24:36] No. So what happened was my stepfather was cheating on my mother with several other women. And so at one point, he broke up with her to pursue another woman. And that day that he broke up with her, my mom then went to her friend, my biological father, for comfort. They had a night together. And I think a couple of weeks later, then my stepdad comes back, and they've reformed that relationship. And throughout all that time, you know, they're obviously sexually active. And so she'd say that she had thought that, well, I was having more sex with your stepdad, so I thought that you were his. But I guess there'd been some suspicion. It's so gross, man. I mean, you got like a couple of guys.
[25:25] Sperm swimming around your mom and, oh, gross, man. Okay.
[25:31] It's a horrible picture. And so when I was, when she told me, when I was with my girlfriend at the time.
[25:39] Hang on, so she told you because your stepdad was making threats towards you, your mother, your sister and your biological dad?
[25:48] He was making threats towards my biological father and my mother.
[25:53] And the threats towards your biological father were based on what? Did he think that your biological father knew about you?
[26:00] Yeah. He was threatening to ruin his life, that he was going to do X, Y, well, this is from what my mother was saying, that he was threatening to ruin his life, come up to where he was living, and just make a mess of it.
[26:13] Sorry, threatening to, did you say to end his life?
[26:16] Ruin his life. ruined his relationship with his wife yeah.
[26:22] So you fled that environment, and was your stepfather a substance abuser? I mean, that's such crazy behavior that maybe there were substances involved. I don't know.
[26:31] He was chronically drunk.
[26:34] Okay, got it.
[26:35] Yeah.
[26:36] Okay, so you and your mother flees this guy because he finally finds out that you're not his son.
[26:46] Mm-hmm.
[26:48] And your mother, of course, hid this possibility from him.
[26:51] Did she ever tell your stepdad that she slept with your dad no okay so he would have no reason to suspect until later on when i guess he noticed that you didn't look anything like him he had his suspicions they did the dna testing he's not the father so then your mom flees with you and your, stepsister right your half sister your half sister sorry yeah half sister yeah and then what happens, um so she flees with us um to live with her sister that at that point in time um, and he then starts coming by the house um my aunt's house um drunk making threats we call the police on him several times you know calling her a witch she's gonna ruin her you know she's hurting so badly how how dare she do this to him things like that yeah it's completely monstrous behavior right yeah so that eternity fraud is really one of the greatest evils around, well for me i just don't understand how she could live with herself knowing, what she knew and lying to both of us sorry what do you mean how she could live with herself i don't know what you mean no it's um i mean it's pretty easy if you don't have a conscience isn't it it is no it is so what do you what do you mean you don't know how she could live with herself Oh.
[28:13] You're putting yourself in her shoes and saying, well, if I were her, I couldn't live with myself. That's naive, right?
[28:19] It's very naive.
[28:21] Okay, so stop that. Stop thinking that everyone's like you.
[28:26] No, that's a flaw. And that's what led to... I thought that, you know, after my mom had told me this, with how she... how her demeanor was when we had that meeting, I thought that she might be suicidal. Just... She was very somber and just talking about how her life was... Well, she didn't have much of a life. And that... You know, she's...
[28:52] Sorry, so she tells you that... She tells you that she has engaged in almost 20 years of paternity fraud, and then she gets very somber about her own life.
[29:04] Yeah.
[29:05] Well, you know that's just a strategy, right?
[29:08] No, I didn't see it at the time.
[29:12] But does that make sense? Like, she then makes it about her, you have to comfort her, you're worried about her, you can't get mad at her, right? It's a play.
[29:20] Yeah. In reflection, I can see that.
[29:27] And then?
[29:27] Yeah. And so then that's when my girlfriend steps in, in terms of seeing the dysfunction in my family. So she constantly pushed me to go see my mother to try to see if she's okay.
[29:44] Sorry, your girlfriend would?
[29:46] Yeah, because she saw that there's dysfunction. She saw the dysfunction, essentially, between me and my mother.
[29:52] And did she know about the paternity fraud?
[29:57] I told her about it, yeah.
[29:58] And so she said, here are the obligations you have towards your mother who lied to you about your father and prevented you from having a relationship with your father for 20 years.
[30:10] Yeah. What the fuck, man? It was a bit further than that as well. Like, no, seriously, what the fuck? Yeah, well, as I tell her about my biological father and this whole story, She then goes into a story about her own sexual misadventures, which I just did not understand. She was crying that, oh, how could you never tell me about, you know, this big thing's happened to you about your father, but you don't think to tell me first. Instead, you think I want to talk to my uncle. Wait, I'm sorry.
[30:42] I'm lost again. I don't know what we were talking about. So you're telling your girlfriend about your mother's paternity fraud, right?
[30:48] Yeah.
[30:49] And then she says about her own sexual misadventures, and I don't know what those were that spiraled off of me into, I don't know what's following.
[30:57] Sure. No, she started talking about her own sexual adventures at university, about several guys that she'd slept with.
[31:09] Sorry, what does that have to do with your mother's paternity fraud?
[31:13] I don't know. Well, in terms of her reaction, I didn't see the link. She just jumped into the story. okay but yeah um oh so you're oh i get it so your mother slept around with various men you shouldn't judge her because you're with me and i've slept around with various men, I can see that way, yeah.
[31:32] Okay, I got it. So she's making it about her and guarding her relationship with you and having you not judge her. And so she's saying, well, if you're willing to accept me, then you have to accept your mother. So she's using your mother's misbehavior as a way of cementing your commitment to her.
[31:52] I can see that, yeah.
[31:54] That makes sense.
[31:58] Hmm. But, um, yeah, no, um.
[32:03] And you didn't sit there and say, oh my God, I'm dating someone like my mom. She makes it about her. She's manipulative. She shows no moral backbone, no moral fiber. How long have you been listening to what I do?
[32:15] I've been listening to you for about two years now. Okay. Yeah. Um, no, I think, I guess I was caught in a fog. Um, I thought my mom was a victim. you know poor her this is how oh because because the man she chose to be with was violent, yeah yeah the man she slept with for two decades almost and gave a child to she's just a victim, yeah okay so i mean you have a survival mechanism which is to absolve your mother of responsibility because if you give your mother responsibility what happens, well i can't give her any responsibility otherwise she leaves she's distant or she abandons me i think yeah so she explodes in rage and threatens abandonment or whatever it is right so you you cannot give your mother moral responsibility or responsibility for her life so you're roped into and and really held at almost gunpoint you're roped into the story i'm always the victim and if you ever say to your mother you're not a victim you've made choices she will explode in rage.
[33:25] Right?
[33:26] Yeah.
[33:27] Okay. So you have difficulty holding women accountable for their morals because your mother would threaten to abandon you or punish you or you would experience a death threat in a sense from your mother if you held her accountable.
[33:40] Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.
[33:44] So why did things end with your girlfriend?
[33:49] I started pulling away as I just started seeing weird behaviors. It started, you know, with her going on about her sexual adventures, you know, as I'm trying to tell her about my father. And then almost a struggle session with me and her when a friend had come over, her just complaining about me and all my faults and all everything else. And I had to sit there and take it. and why did you have sorry why did you have to sit there and take it oh are you are you playing a victim to me now too uh no no no yeah you are yeah yeah you are okay you are right because you say i had to sit there and take it why did she have you chained no she didn't have me chained okay so why did you have to sit there and take it i didn't have to sit there but i thought by staying there and just listening here and around i would i guess i'm doing what's needed to facilitate the relationship um just doing what's needed to what to facilitate the relationship you know if i've got flaws and she's wants to verbalize in this way then i guess i'll let me listen, and what did she consider to be your flaws.
[34:54] Oh well you know you he rolls in bed and he bumps me and well this was it um she had a list of like 15. Uh, one of them was bumping into 15 of your floors, 15, 15 floors. Yeah. Okay. Um, that was one of them. Um, another one that you bumped her while you were sleeping. Yep. Okay. And she said, um, brings about trauma for her. Uh, and so she, she was like, well, I can't sleep after you, after he does that, it's awful. And he, you know, it's a constant thing with them. Another one was, um.
[35:34] Well, me not wanting to meet her friends, I'd overslept sometimes when her friends come over. And so that was also, you know, something that really aggravated her. The fact that I wasn't there for a friend, I wasn't there for a family. How pretty was it still? Ooh, not very.
[35:54] Really? You're going through a 15-point emasculating, testosterone-busting, ball-breaking struggle session for a woman who's not even pretty?
[36:05] No. In what way is she not pretty? Overweight. And just with how she presented herself, just not very.
[36:20] Okay. And was your mother attractive when she was younger?
[36:27] From the pictures that I've seen, yeah, she looked fairly good. Okay. Yeah.
[36:34] And do you have anything that you consider makes yourself particularly physically unattractive?
[36:41] Well, I think with me, it's just a case of I just have extremely low self-esteem. I, you know, I think she was, I just took her for what she was. She asked me out and I just thought, yeah, you know what? What are my options really?
[36:59] Sorry, the ugly girl asked you out, and you went along with it.
[37:04] Essentially, yeah. That's what happened. Okay. Yeah. Hmm.
[37:11] And what do you mean when you say that you have low self-esteem? I don't know what that means. I mean, I know what the phrase means. I just never quite understand what it means in any practical sense.
[37:19] Sure. Um, well in terms of like dating prospects, uh, I just, I don't feel that I have any value in that. Um, I'm sorry.
[37:29] Why would you think that you do? I'm not trying to poke your insecurities here. I'm just like, okay. So if you say, well, I don't think I have much sexual market value or dating market value, is that wrong?
[37:45] My friends tell me that's wrong. They tell me that.
[37:48] No, I'm not asking your friends. I'm asking you.
[37:50] Sure. No, I feel that. I think that's wrong. Okay.
[37:55] And why is it wrong?
[37:57] Well, I've worked hard. I've got a good job. I've got my own house. I keep in shape. I look after myself, essentially. And I feel that doesn't quite jive with how I feel about myself inside. As a result, that's what led to me being in that relationship, I feel.
[38:18] Okay. Let's run a real quick scenario here.
[38:24] Sure.
[38:25] What do you think is the prettiest female name?
[38:29] Ooh, Chloe.
[38:31] Chloe, very nice name. Okay. So, Chloe, you meet Chloe at a park. And you start chatting, and Chloe is intelligent, moral, insightful, incisive, direct.
[38:46] A a great woman and she has a great family that love her support her raised her peacefully and so on right and then you go on a couple of dates with chloe and she says um yeah i'd love to i'd love to meet your family when when can we facilitate that because you know i'm not just dating you i'm dating a whole family right i mean i want to make sure obviously that i like your your family i want to make sure that um they're going to be good if we end up getting married and having kids that there'll be good productive positive healthy people to have around our kids and uh so you know can can we do that over the next day or two um well i'll push back um, i'll push back quite a bit and try and i guess discuss my family um and what would you say i mean just in briefly what would you say.
[39:41] Um i would say that you know there's a girl that's interested in meeting you guys um but i would like to sort of see where things go first before no no what would you say to sorry what would you say to chloe you said you push back on chloe saying she wants to meet your family what would you say to chloe in the moment um no that's great you know that you want to meet my family um i'll have a word with them and we'll try to see if we can arrange a date but with that i'll i guess out delay um okay so you'd lie yeah i'd lie you'd lie to her yeah why.
[40:18] Because i think if anyone any anyone from the outside world just has a glimpse of i guess our family it's very clear to see uh where things are going wrong okay as i said she's smart she's insightful so she knows you're lying yeah all right so let's let's play this out so then chloe he says to you.
[40:37] Hang on, there's something odd about this. What are you not telling me? What would you say?
[40:46] Then I'll tell her the truth and say, my relationship with my mom and my family is rather tense at the moment. And so I just want to make sure that... Sorry, at the moment?
[40:58] For how long has it been tense?
[41:04] It's been tense for a while.
[41:07] Okay, how long has it stopped being so vague? You say at the moment, then it goes for a while. What does that mean?
[41:11] A month a week a year 10 years when did you last have a great relationship with your parents, i this is going back to childhood i haven't had a um a proper positive relationship with them only in the past sort of five years five years or so um i guess once i stepped out of my depression have i sort of tried to sorry you're gonna slow down here oh sorry okay i'm talking to you as close right so she would say i don't feel comfortable with this lying right so first you tried to say you want to meet my family great and i get that you were lying and then i said what's what are you not telling me you said well things are a bit tense at the moment and then you go for a while and then you go it's never been good yeah so here's what i need you to do i need I need you to stop fucking lying to me. Mm-hmm.
[42:03] Okay? Because you're a great guy. I'm interested in you. But I will not stay if you lie.
[42:12] Right.
[42:13] That may work with your family. That may be how you were raised, which I sympathize with. I really do. But I don't know what benefit you're trying to get out of lying to me. I mean, you want me to be an intelligent, perceptive woman, right? So you appreciate my directness, my honesty. I hope that I have a decent amount of character and virtue. So I'm trying to figure out what you're hoping to gain by giving yourself permission to lie through your teeth about things to me. That's not very honorable, is it?
[42:47] No, it's not.
[42:48] So what's wrong with just telling the truth? I mean, I guess it's bad, but I'm not going to blame you for your family when you were a kid, right? I mean, we don't choose where we're born, right?
[43:02] No.
[43:03] So what do you not, like, just tell me. I mean, this drip drip stuff where I've got to be alert and catch you in lies. I mean, it's all very Weasley, right?
[43:12] It is.
[43:14] So.
[43:15] But I guess in seeing the flaws in my family, you see just how terrible I am as well. And I guess if I can sort of paint a pretty picture, maybe things will go a bit better rather than me sort of coming out with the ugly truth of just how we are.
[43:29] So you think that by lying, you're going to look better to me?
[43:34] Oh, no. No, tell me how that makes sense.
[43:38] By trying to fool me and lie about some very essential topics in your life, which are going to come out, like you understand. It's all going to come out, right?
[43:48] No, you can't hide.
[43:50] So you think that you're going to make yourself look better by clearly and obviously lying and misrepresenting everything to me. I don't understand the theory. I don't get what the thinking is here.
[44:07] I guess having presented it to myself there, I think it's just something that I've done and I hadn't put much thought into it.
[44:17] No, you have put thought into it. Again, stop lying. You have put thought into it because you just said.
[44:23] Well i want to make myself better by looking by making my family look better so that's a theory you have put some thought into it right i have okay but you don't look better by lying to me right no i in fact i think i look way worse rather than just the truth and look i sympathize i'm not you know i happen to have been raised in a pretty good honest decent family so i know that that's It's not the case for a lot of people.
[44:49] So I don't blame you for this or for these habits. I'm just not sure that you're even aware of this. Like, we all make mistakes. We all slip up. We all embellish the truth from time to time. We all can lie from time to time. I'm certainly not perfect, but I do try and have that awareness.
[45:11] Yeah.
[45:11] And if you'd said to me, you know, when you ask about my family, I feel really anxious and I really don't want to tell you what's going on. okay i can i can accept that right but you just kind of blithely like so easily just skate in the direct opposite of the truth with like no friction whatsoever that's a little chilling right like do you know that you're lying to me i mean do you just are you just in some sort of blind survival mode and just like a i don't know like some octopus squirting out ink you're just doing your thing.
[45:45] I'll go with the octopus.
[45:47] It's an automatic process, right?
[45:50] It's automated.
[45:51] Okay, so this is like self-knowledge 101, right? So if lying about your family to me doesn't serve you, it must serve someone because we don't act randomly, right? I mean, if I'm going to an ice cream shop, I lose money, but I gain an ice cream, right? So I'm not acting randomly. And they obviously want my money more than they want their ice cream. I want their ice cream more than I want my money. So it benefits, right? Someone has to benefit from your actions. Otherwise, life wouldn't really make any sense, right?
[46:26] Yeah.
[46:27] So if you don't benefit and I don't benefit and our relationship doesn't benefit from you lying about your family, who does?
[46:35] Say my parents. Right.
[46:37] Right. So how do they benefit from you lying to me about your family? Okay.
[46:43] Because through me lying, and through me lying, it stops people from coming in to see what's going on.
[46:51] Right. So it will drive me away, and then your parents' morality and hold over you remain unexamined, and you end up without an ally, right?
[47:00] Yeah.
[47:00] So you end up being still controlled and bullied and manipulated by them, because I wouldn't stick around for a lot of lying, right?
[47:10] Yeah. Right.
[47:11] So you're in the fork in the road, right? I mean, you're not a kid anymore. And you're in the fork in the road, which is you choose mommy or wifey, right? Who you're loyal to, mommy or wifey? To your past, to that which was not chosen, to that which was negative for you, or to that which you can choose, which is the future, which is positive for you.
[47:29] Now my concern is that you immediately slipped into loyalty to mommy which means you're not able to make a commitment to me right because if you make a commitment to me then the commitment is to tell the truth right or if you if you lie to at least notice it and say oh you know i hang on i think i'm going off in the wrong direction here or like to have that level of self-knowledge but if you immediately cleave to your mother you cannot cleave to your wife does that make sense, makes sense if you have foundational automatic loyalty to your mother, then you cannot have a pair bond with your wife right.
[48:11] Because in a conflict between me and your mother, you choose who?
[48:17] I'll go with my mother.
[48:18] That's right. That's right. And you don't even seem to be aware of it. My interests as a good woman get sacrificed for the narcissistic needs of your mother, if we can use that term. So the good is sacrificed to the bad. The healthy is sacrificed to the sick. The voluntary is sacrificed to the control.
[48:39] All the future is sacrificed for the past which means that you'll be okay with me unless mommy has a problem with me and then you'll run over to mommy and leave me alone right right, so that's your fork in the road wow now so that's what i think that's what a good honest as direct woman would say right yeah so when you say i have low self-esteem what are you actually saying you're saying that you clearly signal to a woman that you'll choose a dysfunctional mother over a healthy wife oh gosh yeah no but so so how are you wrong in saying i have low sexual market value what honest decent moral woman would want that no and i'm not trying to be harsh or negative or say that you're a bad guy.
[49:32] I'm just saying, well, you talk about having low self-esteem like it's some made-up thing. But if you cleave to your dysfunctional mother at the expense of your functional girlfriend.
[49:43] You do have low sexual market value.
[49:45] It's not a myth. It's not an, oh, my God, I just have to think better of myself. It's like, no, you have to act better.
[49:53] Yeah. Yeah. No, it's coming from a different angle, because I'd always, when I would say low self-esteem, it was always from when I did try to go out and date, my mom would make comments about how I looked. It would be, you know, you're so skinny, you're scrawny, what sort of girl would want you, or your face, have you seen it? You know, who's going to want that? It was those comments, and that would play on my mind whenever I would try to approach her.
[50:23] Okay, so that is having loyalty to your mother.
[50:29] Right.
[50:30] Because that's so clearly dysfunctional and screwed up.
[50:33] Mm-hmm.
[50:34] Right?
[50:36] Yeah.
[50:36] That's so clear, like, to insult your son's appearance. And it's not like, you know, whether you're thin or, like, I don't know, she says you have bad hair or you're too short or, you know, you're too skinny or whatever. Okay, maybe you can exercise a bit to gain some weight or whatever. But, you know, a lot of that stuff is outside your control. all if you were overweight that would be one thing although mockery wouldn't be the way to achieve it but you could lose some weight and maybe you could but you said i think you said you exercise so you take care of yourself right yeah okay so if you exercise and take care of yourself you look how you look right yeah right i mean i exercise and take care of myself, but you know i'm still a bit jowly because i'm in my late 50s and uh i'm a bit thick-waisted because that's the way i've always been and what else i'm bald right i'm still bald right so that's It's not, I can't, I mean, I guess I could lose a little bit of weight, although I'm still continuing to lose weight in my 50s, but, so, that is so clearly dysfunctional that for you to cleave to your mother and say, oh, maybe she's right, and that does mess with my head, that's having loyalty to your mother.
[51:42] And that's what's been modeled by your whole family.
[51:45] Is to have loyalty to your mother.
[51:48] Yeah.
[51:49] So, when you say, well, I have trouble getting a quality woman because I have low self-esteem, that's saying that, well, it's just this mysterious being negative on yourself that's the problem. But the problem is not that you think badly of your appearance. The problem is you think badly of your appearance because your mother said so, and she's screwed up beyond words.
[52:11] So, the fact that you give your mother credibility is the low self-esteem, not what your mother says, but that you give a shit about what this crazy woman says.
[52:24] Right. Hmm.
[52:29] That signals to a woman, if you're a reasonably attractive guy, where would you put yourself on, one to ten?
[52:39] A six. A six.
[52:41] Okay, so if you're relatively slender and you work out, what is dragging down your number?
[52:48] I don't believe I could be any higher.
[52:51] No, no, come on. I'm talking about your physical appearance. I'm not talking about your subjective internal blah, blah, blah.
[52:55] Sure, sure. Say about an eight.
[52:59] An eight. Okay, so you're in the top 20% of men, and so a woman, if you are physically insecure despite being attractive, right, 80% is like an A, right, or an A- or whatever, it's pretty high up there, right?
[53:17] Yeah.
[53:17] So a woman, if you have insecurity regarding your appearance when you are in fact an attractive, if not very attractive man, 80% is a good grade, and 8 is somewhere between 8 and 9, so even if we put you at 8.5 or whatever, 80%, 85%. So if a woman looks at you and you are an attractive guy, but you think you're an unattractive guy, she knows immediately that you have loyalty to someone who's hostile to your interests and happiness.
[53:53] Right.
[53:55] And so that is a signal that you will cleave to that which is destructive to you rather than assess it rationally, which means that she will always play second or third fiddle to whoever has attacked you. And a woman cannot trust you if you cleave to people who are harmful to you. She needs you to cleave to her, to protect her, which means also to protect yourself. Because you can't be a protector and a provider if you are a puppet on the string of people who wish you harm.
[54:31] Right.
[54:34] A woman cannot fall in love with slave boy.
[54:40] Oh gosh yeah.
[54:41] Right yeah, and a moral woman who ever finds the fuck out, that you're still hanging around people who are half pimping out your half sister she will run for the fucking hills I'm not kidding you in any way shape or form, yeah so that's your choice, Well, it's true that my mother is dating a guy who creeped on my 18-year-old sister, and my whole family says, yeah, give her what she wants, that's totally fine. Want to go get some kebabs?
[55:21] No, seriously. Wouldn't work.
[55:24] Well, it's not low self-esteem, it's an accurate assessment of where your loyalties are. And I say this with sympathy, I really do. I'm not trying to put you down or make you feel bad. I'm just saying it's not some magical Jedi mind trick that's going to raise your self-esteem. It's not having really fucked up people in your life that's going to raise your dating market value to a healthy woman. I mean, unhealthy women, right? Like your ex-girlfriend. How long ago did you break up?
[55:52] A couple of months ago.
[55:54] Okay. Okay, so how did your ex-girlfriend know that you were going to sit for this bullshit Maoist struggle session of 15 points that are shitty about you? How did she know you weren't just going to laugh at her and go take a long walk off a short pier and get the hell out? How did she know you were going to sit there and take it?
[56:11] I think she sniffed it out.
[56:13] Of course she did.
[56:14] Yeah, because you take your mom's attack on your appearance.
[56:20] You take your mom's control. you're still hanging around with the mom who stole your dad from you she stole your father from you, the guy who might have cared about you more the guy who might have taken custody the guy who probably was more functional than the raging alcoholic, she stole from you your patrilineage your father your protector, for the sake of money and sick companionship. You never had a father because of your mother. 100%.
[57:07] It's so strange that I wouldn't let myself get angry at him.
[57:10] Well, no, it's not strange because if you don't have a choice in a relationship, you don't have a choice about what you feel in that relationship.
[57:20] Right.
[57:21] Right. So feelings, anger is about choice. Anger is, can it help? Does anger help, right?
[57:30] Mm-hmm.
[57:37] Now, if you say, well, you know, I've got to have a relationship with my mother. I have to. It's an absolute. It's like gravity. Well, getting angry about the inevitable is a sign of immaturity, right? Am I angry that I'm aging? I am not. I'm thrilled that I'm aging because I had cancer 10 years ago, and it's all a bonus from here, right?
[57:59] Right.
[57:59] So I'm not angry that I'm aging because the alternative is infinitely worse. So would I get angry about aging? Well, no. I mean, it doesn't mean I won't act about it. It doesn't mean I won't exercise and eat well and maintain a healthy weight. I'll do all of that stuff for sure, but I'm not going to get angry about aging. And so, if you view your relationship with your mother as an absolute, then anger is pointless.
[58:30] it would be like me waking up every morning and punching the mirror because I was a little grayer a little saggier and a little more wrinkled right yeah enraged that would be the actions of a crazy person right yeah, so if you view your relationship with your mother as a foundational absolute within which you have no choice then anger would be completely pointless yes, Do I get angry at gravity? No. It's a fact. It's a factor. It's a reality.
[59:08] That's true. It's that old phrase, it is what it is.
[59:12] Yeah, it is what it is. It is a fact. It's like an epistemological emotional statement. Aging is what it is. There's no alternative to aging other than dying.
[59:23] Yeah.
[59:25] And I prefer aging to dying, and aging is... It's funny, you look at people who are bent over, they're 90 or whatever. These are the most successful human beings around.
[59:35] Around i would have lived to that age yeah yeah i mean they've they've succeeded they've lived that's that's the most exciting you say and in terms of physicality yeah they've yeah right so, so how could you get angry at something that isn't absolute, it's futile can you imagine a woman being enraged that she gets a period it? Yeah, no. Just wouldn't work.
[1:00:01] Well, I mean, it would just be a sign of crazy immaturity, right?
[1:00:06] Yeah.
[1:00:11] So, if you don't have a choice with regards to your mother, then you won't have any genuine emotions regarding your mother, because you will always view those emotions as irrational and foolish and immature. mature. So then a woman who wants to pair bond with you and you have a dysfunctional mother needs to know that you can get angry at your mother because that's the only way your relationship with your girlfriend or wife is going to be protected from your mother's intrusion.
[1:00:42] Right. But getting angry at my mother or trying to get her to change in any way...
[1:00:47] No, no, hang on. No, no. Getting angry at your mother does not mean trying to get her to change.
[1:00:53] Right. I guess I can't say that then.
[1:00:59] If I'm at some cabin, right, with my family, and a bear breaks in through the window, right?
[1:01:09] Mm-hmm.
[1:01:10] And, like, when I worked up north, we had shotguns because there were bears and wolves, right?
[1:01:17] Well yeah so if a bear and I had this happen right we had a camp dog and the camp dog was attacked by a bear it broke the dog's spine and it was creeping up on the tent I had to load up the shotgun go out with a flashlight holler in my underpants and point a gun now am I doing that to change the bear, no no just to protect myself I'm not going to try and talk the bear into becoming a vegetarian, no right Yeah.
[1:01:53] So getting angry, having the fight-or-flight mechanism, is about getting to safety, about establishing a situation of safety. It does not mean changing others, necessarily. It could, it could.
[1:02:07] Right?
[1:02:09] You know, if my friend is working and I see a bear creeping up behind him in the bush, I will say, hey, bear, right? And then we'll get to the shotgun and we'll, you know, try to protect ourselves as much as possible and so on. So I want him to change his behavior, but the bear's not going to change. And in fact, if I try to reason with the bear, I'm putting myself in more danger, right?
[1:02:33] Yeah.
[1:02:35] If I try to pet the bear, oh, easy, easy, big boy, easy, heel, sit, roll over, right? I'm just going to get my scalp chewed off.
[1:02:43] Yeah.
[1:02:44] So knowing when you can change someone and knowing when the only security is distance is pretty essential, right?
[1:02:51] It is.
[1:02:53] I mean, our ancestors who tamed dogs and cats, sorry, who tamed wild cats and wolves into dogs and cats did us an enormous benefit, right? Kept the grain safe, kept the sheep herded and all kinds of goods, kept the predators away, all kinds of good stuff, right? And so they tamed, which was good. But if you're out in the woods and a pack of wolves comes around, you get the hell out of there or you climb a tree, but you sure as hell don't try to tame them. And turn them into chihuahuas, right?
[1:03:25] No. No, it would never work. Right.
[1:03:30] So, anger is about establishing boundaries and securing safety.
[1:03:38] So, if the bear is chasing me and I get into the cabin.
[1:03:41] Which is a strong cabin, and I lock the doors and windows, I'm safe. Because I have boundaries called the walls of the house, right? The walls of the cabin. Does that make sense?
[1:03:54] Yeah.
[1:03:54] If I'm in a tent, I'm not safe because the bear can just rip through the tent, right?
[1:03:58] Yeah.
[1:04:01] I've sat in tents with a shotgun across my lap as a bear is prowling around, hoping I won't have to shoot it. So, the fight or flight, the anger, the, right? That may be about changing the person, but you've already been trying that for five years. That's why I asked that earlier, right?
[1:04:20] Right.
[1:04:21] So you've been trying to talk the bear into becoming a vegetarian for five years, and it's more flesh-hungry now than before, right?
[1:04:32] Right, yeah.
[1:04:36] So, that's not working. So, fight ain't working, because you can't win against your mother, and you tried to go for allies, right?
[1:04:46] You're like that guy in High Noon.
[1:04:47] The Gary Cooper character, right? Bad guys are coming to town. Who wants to help? Well, nobody, right? So, you're saying, okay, well, I want to fight to have better behavior for my mother, so I'll go to the family for allies. And they're all like, nope, not helping, she's fine. So, if the fight doesn't work, what is left?
[1:05:05] Float.
[1:05:05] That's right. if there's some beast in the wilderness or we all had this as kids you know like sometimes you were told if there's an aggressive dog you just run at it screaming and hopefully it'll run away okay so you run at it screaming and the dog growls and runs at you what do you do you turn around the other way you climb a tree you climb a fence you run right so you have tried to fight it's not working, what is left? Well, if you don't feel any anger, you're just going to sit there like a piece of pudding and take it.
[1:05:42] Like you had to as a kid.
[1:05:44] But you don't have to as an adult.
[1:05:48] Is any decent, moral.
[1:05:50] Intelligent, perceptive woman going to want to marry into your family?
[1:05:55] No. No.
[1:05:59] So, that's the price. the price is solitude or shitty naggy girlfriends who take the reins installed by your mother and whip you further, forever and ever amen, and god forbid you get one of these women pregnant and then you're lashed to some unholy witch for 20 plus years as your kids look at you as a ball-less, spineless cuck and have no respect at all. And that's the prison you're heading towards. I'm telling you, that's the prison you're heading towards. Some woman is going to break your balls and then drain them and become a mom. And then you're trapped. There's the dice you're rolling with. Oh no, I'm on the pill. Don't worry, I can't get pregnant. I'm on the pill. I've got an IUD and everything's fine.
[1:06:59] Oh wow I got pregnant, yeah happened actually to a family member who's in that situation right now right yeah so I think I can fall into that very easily I'm not careful what no you're not careful, yeah right yeah, you're not careful.
[1:07:29] Or you get an STD, which, you know, some of them stick around for the rest of your life, right?
[1:07:35] Yeah.
[1:07:37] Or you get a stalker. Or you get a woman who's got a dangerous ex-boyfriend, I guess, like your stepdad, right?
[1:07:45] Yeah.
[1:07:46] And then you're in serious shit. Or you get depressed again, right?
[1:07:55] Yeah.
[1:07:56] So.
[1:08:00] I see.
[1:08:01] You've been given this great gift. You've been given this great gift. Nobody's lying to you, right? They're all telling you exactly who they are, which your mother's boyfriend identified and you refuse to believe. He's saying, I own them, not you. They'll do what I want, not you.
[1:08:27] They serve evil not virtue, they serve my master not your morals, I can't think of anything more liberating myself, well there's a freedom in that simply freedom did anyone ever tell you that your girlfriend was kind of a bitch, um not at first no until they saw her behavior okay and then they did say she's bad for you you should break up yes yeah okay and did you listen um i didn't i thought again like with my mother okay so even when they give you good advice the relationship is so dysfunctional that you don't listen yes yeah well choose your companions choose your future there's no escape from that.
[1:09:25] That is a law of physics. Choose your companions, you choose your future.
[1:09:33] It's funny, you know, you think you know all these ideas, but I guess it's until it sort of visits you and you have to wrestle with that. You have to have that strength to actually make that step or change. But I think that's what I'm faced with. And yeah, I have to make that step and think about me rather than, you know, serving my mother or my wider family. It's me at the end of the day.
[1:09:57] Well, and, you know, I mean, your half-sister is someone who probably would benefit enormously from some protection and compassion.
[1:10:06] Yeah.
[1:10:08] But I wouldn't sacrifice my future even for her, because she is not a chosen relationship. Now, again, do whatever good you can, but if she's going to drag you down.
[1:10:25] I mean sorry you you have a responsibility to virtue integrity and your future and in particular your children and let's i'm not saying she is but let's say she's just a messed up person does a whole bunch of drugs and like she's an adult now right and it's like okay well is that going to interfere with me getting a quality woman and if so like sorry honey but uh i gotta think of my future, but it sounds like she's worth putting the effort in, she is um she is i wouldn't want to condemn her to no no i i would strongly suggest putting the effort in but not from a slave standpoint but from a judgment standpoint yeah right, all right is that is that a good approach no that's a good approach um thank you so much for this it's uh really opened my eyes to just yeah know what i need to do to get my life moving them beautiful will you keep me posted about how it's going i will do definitely all right thanks brother i appreciate that and uh again massive sympathies for your childhood but a better future is there all you have to do is choose it yeah all right thanks man all the best bye-bye thanks take care bye.
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