Stefan Molyneux covers Valentine's Day, Bitcoin, self-expression, and toxic shame. He emphasizes authenticity, fun in social interactions, healthy competition, emotional well-being, and conflict resolution strategies.

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Brief Summary
In this episode, I, Stefan Molyneux from Freedomain, discuss Valentine's Day celebrations, Bitcoin trends, and personal anecdotes. I address self-consciousness, dancing, and overcoming toxic shame. Emphasizing the importance of authenticity and self-enjoyment, I highlight the positive impact of fun and liberation in social interactions like dancing and singing. Competition dynamics, self-expression in human connections, and combating toxic behavior are also explored. Toxic shame, honest communication, passive-aggressive behaviors, and effective conflict resolution strategies are discussed, stressing self-awareness and emotional well-being.

0:37:03 The Hero's Journey
0:40:09 Overcoming Toxic Shame
0:48:26 Talking About Feelings
0:50:28 Warning Against Toxic People
0:53:26 Misunderstandings and Apologies
1:01:53 Understanding Emotional Habits
1:06:51 The Source of Toxic Shame
1:12:03 Assertiveness vs. Passive-Aggressiveness
1:15:13 Closing Remarks and Donation Appeal

Long Summary
In this episode, I, Stefan Molyneux from Freedomain, share insights on Valentine's Day celebrations, Bitcoin trends, and personal anecdotes. I address listener comments, discussing self-consciousness, dancing, and overcoming toxic shame. I stress the significance of enjoying oneself, staying authentic, and not letting others' opinions control you. Fun and liberation in social interactions, like dancing and singing, have a positive impact. I also explore competition dynamics and how self-expression can enhance human connections.
Delving into the portrayal of young heroes saving women from monsters in various cultures, I underline the importance of combating toxic behavior. Toxic individuals, often other women, may resort to sabotage to eliminate dating competition. Rescuing women from such toxicity is crucial. I examine toxic shame, originating from baseless attacks rather than personal actions. Honest communication is vital, and passive-aggressive behavior's detrimental effects are discussed. I advocate for confronting emotions, seeking support, and avoiding harmful coping mechanisms. The conversation also touches on miscommunication, emphasizing effective conflict resolution and emotional management. Overall, self-awareness, transparent communication, and addressing deep-rooted issues are key to achieving emotional well-being.

Stefan Molyneux, Freedomain, Valentine's Day, Bitcoin trends, self-consciousness, dancing, toxic shame, authenticity, social interactions, competition dynamics, self-expression, human connections, combating toxic behavior, honest communication, conflict resolution strategies, emotional well-being

[0:00] Good afternoon, everybody. Stefan Molyneux from Freedomain.
I had a great, yeah, I did have a very nice Valentine's Day.
Thank you. I went out for a lovely tapas dinner with my wife, which was just delightful.
And so, of course, I appreciate you guys dropping by today.
Sorry, there'll be no show tomorrow. One day I'll tell you why.
I'll make a note of it, I'm sure. but i am here to have your thoughts i obviously have my own thoughts but yes bitcoin holding steady around 70 000 canadian yes yes uh do people live in canada generally we hide if we're thinking but i have thoughts but i'm happy happy to have your questions no it hasn't.

[0:54] People who panic people who panic and say there's something wrong when there isn't thanks again for the follow up regarding personalizing people's behavior on telegram you are very very welcome you can hear fine good good and, I will just as I wait for questions to come in I'm going to talk a wee bit about Bitcoin. It's been a while.

[1:26] So, this was interesting. This is from Bitpain.
He says, she says, or he says, if you accumulated Bitcoin in any significant way between 2020 and 2024, you've done the hard part.
All you have to do now to achieve generational wealth is nothing. Hold your keys.
Sit tight. Don't sell to Wall Street. don't trade it for shit coins.
Don't try to time anything. Literally just do nothing.
Some of you will still F it up. You will F up doing nothing.
I thought that was a pretty intense way of putting it.
This other guy wrote, he said, oh man, after not asking me about Bitcoin for over two years, my wife just asked me how much Bitcoin we have.
It's so over. he said uh he and there's a guy i i can't play it i don't think oh can i hang on i can totally low-tech play it can i totally low-tech play it i think i can all right i'll just hold this up to the mic and uh we'll do it low we'll do it low super low-tech.

[2:34] All right, hang on. Two years, we're going to see total inflows of more than 150.
I'm anticipating that by the time we get to the end of 2025, we're talking two years, we're going to see total inflows of more than $150 billion.
We're only at five right now. What is going to propel? That's a big claim.
That's a big number. What's going to propel? It really isn't all that big when you do the simple arithmetic.
Individual investment advisors, independents, those that are operating their own firms, collectively manage around $8 trillion in assets, and three-quarters of them in every industry survey done by DACFP as well as by Bitwise all show that three-quarters of advisors say that they're going to allocate to these ETFs and that their average allocation is going to be about 2.5% of assets.
Do the arithmetic. $8 trillion times 77% times 2.5% is $150 billion with the flows, And that's just independent advisors that excludes the wire houses.
It excludes the regional broker dealers. It excludes the institutional investors.
Okay. So that's, uh, uh, I know that's totally low tech way, uh, but I don't know if I can share.

[3:45] Um, I don't know if I can share a system audio that way. Only vague wobbles.
Oh, you can't hear the sound via the mic. That's weird.
Cause, um, I actually held the mic right up to the, uh, okay.
So, um, uh, sorry, I'll edit that out. So basically, oh, sorry, we're going to go supporters only in a few seconds.
If you're here and you're not a supporter, you will get booted, but because I love you all so much with a deep, burning, biblical passion, here's your link if you want to sign up. But, so…

[4:18] What he's saying is that, according to research, independent investors who manage about $8 trillion worth of money, 77% of them say that they intend to allocate at least 2.5% or about 2.5% worth of their portfolio to Bitcoin.
So they manage $8 trillion, 77% of those are going to allocate 2.5%, and I think he said that was $150 billion or something like that.
So that money flowing into Bitcoin, if that is what they're going to do and that is what's going to happen, then according to this Bitcoin Mindset X account, they say it's just math.
We're going to a million dollars per coin by 2026.
True or not? Don't know. Don't take my advice. Not investment advice.
Just reporting on what other people are saying, which I think is interesting.
Of course, nobody knows, but I thought that was pretty wild.

[5:22] So somebody else writes this is StackHodler now again these are you got to be skeptical to some degree right these are very pro Bitcoin accounts so whether this is right or wrong true or false.

[5:36] But these are very pro-Bitcoin accounts, which I think is, you know, we hear the anti-Bitcoin stuff just in the general marketplace.
So StackHodler says, you really aren't bullish enough on hashtag Bitcoin.
All of your existing models for Bitcoin are based on data that is now completely obsolete.
Where it goes from here is anybody's guess. Your favorite chart squigglers and quad four enthusiasts are relying on data from a period of time where a tiny fraction of global capital had access to Bitcoin.
Few people realize that everything has now changed.
Historically, Bitcoin has never broken through the .618 Fibonacci retracement level before the halving.
Well, it just blew the doors right off that level.
Market timing geniuses are left sobbing in their rapidly devaluing sacks of fiat, desperately hoping for a pullback. Let this be a warning.
It's the first of many models to be destroyed now that BlackRock, Fidelity, etc. are laying on the bid 24-7.
Rumor has it, over-the-counter desks have set up makeshift boiler room speed dial whales and beg them for sub $100,000 Bitcoin.
Meanwhile, trillions of investment capital sits frozen on the sidelines, unable to move for the next 60 days. Why?
Do you ask? Well, registered investment advisors have a 90 plus day waiting period before they can allocate to new investment products.

[6:52] Registered investment advisors are watching Bitcoin run, twitching like greyhounds in the racetraps, waiting to secure a position for their clients.
We are likely going going to see.
Registered investment advisor inflows hit at the same time as the halving.
Meanwhile, MicroStrategy is rocketing even more than Bitcoin.
It's up 63% in the past three months compared to 46% for Bitcoin.
But an MSTR pump is just a delayed Bitcoin pump.
Steve Saylor will soon be selling more MSTR shares as MicroStrategy and buying Bitcoin with the proceeds. But that's not all.
With this performance, there's a chance that MicroStrategy could end up in the S&P 500. If that happens, MSGR will receive tens of billions in passive flows from index investors, right?
So people who just invest in the S&P 500, he's going to hook into that.

[7:41] Much of which will ultimately flow into spot Bitcoin as Saylor continues his genius strategy.
Bottom line, even the hardcore Vanguard boggleheads will soon be stacking Bitcoin by way of micro strategy.
Just one more thing that isn't priced in. As all of this unfolds, it's important to keep in mind how the Bitcoin price is actually set.
It isn't tethered to earnings, new product developments, etc.
Its price is only limited by the understanding of the people buying and selling.
Some of us understand how scarce it is and have already priced it at a million dollars or more per coin if the market suddenly shifted their views towards ours there's nothing holding bitcoin back from going to 500 000 or more virtually overnight what could make that happen for now most people still view bitcoin as a trade not the ultimate asset to accumulate but as a thought experiment imagine if a major nation state like saudi arabia made it clear that they were stacking Bitcoin with their profits.
That they aren't looking to trade in and out, but rather create a multi-generational Bitcoin endowment. Perception would shift drastically overnight.
Who would sell their Bitcoin for a mere $100,000 when they know Saudi Arabia is going to pour in decades worth of oil profits?

[8:52] The same shift could happen if corporations, major billionaires, etc. started publicly denominating their success in Bitcoin.
Jeff Bezos just unloaded $4 billion in Amazon on stock a few months after he was seen partying with Michael Saylor in St. Tropez.
Did Saylor orange pill another whale? Who knows? But one thing's for sure, we're on a knife's edge.
Only a few headlines away from a shift in perception that would bring drastically higher price levels. Plan accordingly.
Now, again, this is not an objective person, in my humble opinion, not that anyone can be.
He seems like a very nice fellow, and he's got very interesting thoughts, What's obviously very pro-Bitcoin, so you'll have to think for yourself.
But I just thought, I love the passion.
I absolutely love the passion. I think it's fantastic.

[9:38] By the by, New York Magazine's personal finance columnist was convinced by a cold caller claiming to be a CIA agent in Langley that she needed to empty her bank account, put the money in a shoebox, and give it to a guy coming to meet her on the street.
And that's New York Magazine's personal finance columnist.
I don't even know.
A major review of randomized trials analyzing the role that exercise can play in combating depression. Summary.
Exercise combats depression, and more exercise combats it more.
This is according to Justin Wolfers. The effect can be at least as large as pills.
Please look after yourself. So that's good.
Uh, Vera Raja Gopal, Dr.
Vera on X said, someone used DALI to create gobbledygook scientific figures and submitted them to Frontiers Journal. And guess what? The editor published it, LOL.

[10:34] After, and basically it's a, it looks like a rat with a giant, uh, a giant penis.
I don't really know what to say about that. Um, but it got past peer review and was, was totally published.
I will, um, I will, um, I will give you this link and you can have a look at these pictures because this was pretty wild.
This was pretty wild.
Have a look at these pictures and see if you can possibly imagine how and why this got past peer review.
You bequeath us with this bonus live stream. What's the occasion?
I love you guys. I miss you guys. All right, let's see here.
Did you have hair when your daughter was a toddler? If she ever pulled it, would you pull hers back to make her let go or would that be a violation of peaceful parenting?

[11:24] Yeah, well, I mean, I've had hair. My daughter can grab little fistfuls of hair or whatever, but trust me, kids don't need to grab your hair to cause you pain, right?
They just thump you or play fighting or whatever it is, right?
But no, I wouldn't pull her hair back. I would just say that hurts.
Killing it with this narration. Yeah. Yeah. You have always mentioned how much you liked to dance growing up. I always feel so awkward and self-conscious dancing.
Otherwise I'm pretty athletic and think I could enjoy dancing if I could get over the self-conscious awkwardness, any thoughts or advice to get over this fear.
So self-consciousness is kind of baked in.
Like when you think of what it means to be self-conscious, it means that you're not inside your your own skin.
Right? Self-conscious is, it's funny, this little bits, I watched the show Alias with Jennifer Garner many years ago, and Victor or whatever his giant melon head was. And.

[12:24] One of the villains is talking to one of the heroes and the villain says, just look at yourself, you know, and that commandment, I just remember that commandment just kind of burned him. Look at yourself.
Look at what you're doing. From the outside, you look like everybody's saying, like people are constantly trying to yank you out of your own body and put you at cynical distance to your own self.
Hit me with a why if you've ever experienced that kind of stuff, where people are just trying to get you to view yourself from outside yourself in a negative light.
You look ridiculous how can you wear that your hair is ridiculous, you look you look like an idiot just look at yourself everyone's looking at you and saying this everybody like they're just trying to pull you out of yourself and have you like give you an an out-of-body experience.
It's like trying to exorcise the angel of self-ownership from the seat of consciousness.
Just trying to pull you out, push you out, set you at a cynical distance against yourself.
It's one of the most crippling forms of verbal abuse.

[13:44] Everyone just sees you drifting away. Everyone just sees you falling into your own propaganda.
Everyone just sees you You've fallen down this rabbit hole. You're in an echo chamber. Everyone outside is just looking at you, and you look ridiculous.
They're trying to pull you out of your own body, and dispossess you of yourself. I don't want to get too poetic here, but what I'm talking about is kind of an analogy and a half, if that makes sense.
Does what I'm saying, does it sort of make sense?

[14:21] Self-conscious means you are not evaluating yourself according to objective standards.
You are observing yourself with hostile external eyes, right? It's a big difference.
Integrity is when you evaluate yourself according to rational standards.
Am I doing the right thing? Am I being moral? Am I telling the truth?
Am I being courageous, right? According to sort of rational objective standards.
That is self-evaluation.
Very healthy, very healthy. I mean, you can't be moral without it.
But, but, but, but, when you are infected with hostile, external, contemptuous, cynical, negative judgments, then you are no longer in a situation where you are self-evaluating.
Now you're just being implanted with the attacking hostility of cynical others, and of course everyone's saying yes but i'm not sure where we are in the, yeses uh okay uh somebody says um i remember in college going through rush and my friends making fun of how i dance saying i dance like a bunny rabbit that didn't help is that the same Is that the same fellow?

[15:47] No, that's a different fellow, right?

[15:55] Right, I mean, to which I would have said, like the thought that pops into my head if my friends had ever said, you dance like a bunny rabbit, I'd be like, do you know how much bunny rabbits get laid?
My mom said I dress like a homeless person. Right, that's somebody trying to get you you to observe yourself cynically from the outside.
It happens to public figures all the time.
It is an occupational hazard that you absolutely have to deal with.
You have to find some way to deal with it.
Yeah, I mean, male bunnies can have sex like, what, four times a day or something?
Bring on the bunnies, man.

[16:40] So, of course, people reframe what I do in the most negative, hostile and critical manner in order to try and get me to judge myself.
Like I remember when my book, The Art of the Argument, came out that people were just like, there are so many errors here. I don't even know where to start.
And just like trying to get me to, oh, my God, my book is full of errors and I have to disavow it and it's bad and whatever. Right.

[17:05] Or you know every now and then i'll get the comment uh which is uh uh oh steph your your show your viewership has collapsed your show is a shadow of its former self and blah blah blah right trying to get me to view in a cynical negative hostile way my own career and progress progress and whatever it is and trying to get me to have despair because if you people are trying to convince you that you're crazy right like if you think you're a good dancer right this is sort of a joke in elaine elaine in seinfeld was like a really bad dancer but she thought she was a great dancer so if you think you're really good at something but you're really bad at something or if you really enjoy something but you're told that you're wrong to enjoy it right if you really enjoy something, but you're told that you're wrong to enjoy it, then you are given great doubts as to your sanity.
Because if there's a huge difference between how you view yourself and how the average, decent, sensible person views you.

[18:19] Then you are considered to be crazy there are negative out of the argument reviews from supposed philosophers that don't even offer arguments right right right right, i'm really tall so then everyone is looking at me oh when you dance, I don't have any updates about meetups, sorry.

[18:48] So they're trying to make you feel crazy because they want you if you enjoy dancing and then people say you look like an idiot when you dance they want you to, view yourself cynically to destroy your pleasure in dancing And the question is why, right?
So if you enjoy dancing.

[19:17] What on earth does it matter how you look? If you enjoy it, right?
Not many people, I mean, I have my strengths and weaknesses.
I have really great natural rhythm when it comes to dancing.
Like I can hit the beat with all areas of my body moving in different directions.
Like strengths and weaknesses, this is one thing I'm good at.
Plus, of course, I spent a lot of time dancing in nightclubs as a teenager. injured.

[19:44] So I even learned how to moonwalk and other kinds of things.
So not breakdancing though. I never did the breakdancing.
Seemed kind of low rent to be honest. But if you're, I never had any issue with anybody who was enjoying their dancing.
Like I, does, you don't really have that much control over how much natural rhythm you have.
Right. I mean, if you look at something like, And put on your red shoes and dance the blues. Yeah.
So if you look at someone like, I mean, David Bowie, not a great dancer, Freddie Mercury, I don't know what the hell he was doing.
He was like some half jammed, rusty, misfiring robot stalking all over the stage.
If you look at someone like mick jagger not not a dancer doesn't doesn't really dance i mean if you compare them to uh people like uh prince was great uh michael jackson of course almost beyond compare uh even usher's sweat soaked middle-aged dance routine was great so there are some performers who are just really fantastic dancers i mean i remember some uh exquisite dance coach, and Michael Jackson went to her and said, you know, what can you teach me?
And they're like, there's nothing I can't teach you.
Break dancing is an art. I love it. Is it?

[21:02] It's a subset of dance. Dance as a whole is an art.
Breakdancing seems to me kind of repetitive. Go on your head, spin around, weird leg movements.

[21:16] Like you're some sort of insect that bites the male's head off when they mate.
You end up with these weird leg movements and head spins and stuff like that.
Yeah, well, there's more to it than that.
And it's like, yeah, well, it doesn't, I mean, it's obviously very challenging and it's very athletic and so on, but that doesn't seem to be more than, you know, seven to eight moves.
Praying mantis. Yeah. You end up with these weird praying mantis legs at the end. It's half gymnastics, half dance, in my opinion.
Yeah. You feel attacked? Listen, I mean, I think I have nothing wrong.
I think break dancing is fine. I mean, it's good exercise and all that kind of stuff.
It just seems kind of limited as an art form because it's a particular stylized form with with only a certain number of moves, right?
And it has to be, otherwise it's not considered breakdancing.
And why is it so advantageous to wear the world as a hat in breakdancing?
Why is that something that, can't you just dance upright? No, we have to be at strange angles and we have to wear the world as a spinning hat.
That's the way it goes. That's just a rule. I don't know why, but it is.
But you can do duels on a pizza box with random people with breakdancing.
Yeah. You know, being scrutinized while dancing is scarier than public speaking. Okay.

[22:35] So why would people care about your dancing? Like let's just do sexual marketplace 101, right?
Why would people care about your dancing? I have always found those moves impressive.
Sure. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not saying I can do it. I'm not saying they're not impressive. They are. It just seems kind of limited.
And there's a funny thing too. I don't know if it's like a white thing or whatever it is, but because white people are generally considered not exactly super cool, uh, we constantly have our trends broken, right?
So if you look at something like breakdancing versus disco, disco is a little bit more of a white form and breakdancing of course is more of an urban form and white people have to constantly come up with new stuff because everything just gets lame pretty quickly.
And whereas, uh, other other cultures, other ethnicities, it just seems to be cool forever, and therefore there's not as much invention that's needed, if that makes sense. So.

[23:32] My favorite type of dancing is ballet, like in Swan Lake.
Dancing gives a sign for how emotionally available you would be as a partner.
So, obviously dancing is a mating display, right?
Dancing is a mating display. Now, let me ask you this. Foundational question, not about about dancing, about life as a whole.
How many people who've criticized your dancing are themselves excellent dancers? Let me just ask you this.

[24:03] How many people, like what percentage of the people who've said you're a bad dancer are themselves very good dancers?
I remember working up, when I went to work up north, uh, we would every, every month or so we'd go into town for a night just for a real shower.
And, you know, I, I would have to pour water over myself in minus 35 degree weather and shower.
Like the, the, the water, the water would actually freeze to my body. Right. Right.
So every now and then we'd just go in for a hot shower, shower, shit in a shave was the guy I worked with. That's what he said.
And I remember going to a bar and dancing because it was just great to be out of the woods.
And I went, went to a bar dancing and I remember really throwing myself around, throwing some moves to the old Prince song, kiss, which I played for my daughter.
And she's like, is he getting electrocuted near the end? I'm like, yes, yes, he is.
And, um, Um, I just remember I then had to pick up some pants cause my pants had torn and the guy was selling me some pants in the store.
And, uh, I went to the change room to try them on. He's like, Hey, you want me to throw on prints for you? Cause it was a small town.
So I guess the word had gotten around that there was this crazy bush guy dancing like a electrified monkey to a Prince songs. Just remember that.

[25:20] So yeah. So 0%, right. Okay. Uh, sorry to interrupt the convo, but can someone remind on what is the order of severity in regards to sexual, verbal, and physical abuse and neglect.
Yes, so in my view, my view, not science, in my view, the worst is sexual abuse, the next worst is neglect, the next worst is verbal abuse, the next worst is physical abuse, in my particular opinion.
Okay, so if the people who are telling you you're a bad dancer, if those people are themselves bad dancers, what are they doing?

[25:57] I don't think I've actually had someone say that I'm a bad dancer.
It's the thoughts in my head that are critical. All right, Frank, but where do those thoughts come from?
Right? Because what is the definition of a good or bad dancer?
To me, a good dancer is one who enjoys the dancing and spreads the happiness through their enjoyment. They don't have to be technically good.
They don't have to know moves or anything like that. Do they enjoy dancing?

[26:22] And do they enjoy the physicality and is their happiness kind of infectious that's to me what is a a good dancer right i'm sure you've been to karaoke if you've been to karaoke usually at least once a night there's somebody who doesn't really have a great voice but is a great entertainer and it's fun right because they're enjoying themselves they're not self-conscious they don't have a great voice but they're you know great entertainers so you understand that sabotage is an essential element of sexual competition right sabotage is an essential element of sexual competition i mean i remember when i was in uh i used to go to camp bolton of course i don't know more than 40 years years ago and i'd spent half the summer there sometimes and i was i was a you know i was a good looking i was good looking young piece of man crumpet and i would ask girls to dance and the girls would be happy to dance and i remember one of my friends came by and gave me a charlie horse which was like a real hard thump on the side of the thigh when i was dancing with a girl and I was like, you know, it's really tough to be smooth and cool. And it was sabotage, right?

[27:42] I understand it. I wasn't even particularly mad because I got the girls to dance so I didn't care.
If the price of getting the girls to dance is that guys will sabotage you a little, I can live with that because I'd rather be getting the girls to dance and be sabotaged than be the one who had to sabotage.
So I had no particular problem with it. It's just, you know, all's fair in love and war.
That's something I've really lived by when I was, since I was a kid, like all's fair. in love and war.
So people are telling you you're a bad dancer because what a pissant move by your friend, LOL.
Do you care? I mean, I thought it was kind of funny. I thought it was honestly, I thought it was kind of funny.
I really don't get too bothered by, by that kind of stuff.
I mean, again, I mean, it's kind of inevitable, but that's the way it's going to go.
And I guess Yes, you can get mad at inevitabilities of human life, but he couldn't get a girl to dance, so he sabotaged me.

[28:42] I mean, it's one or the other when you're that age, right?
So, um, so, and I remember when I first, I first went to, uh, when I went to Africa twice for significant periods of time, once when I was six, the other time when I was 16.
And I remember when I was 16, I didn't know how to dance at this point.
This is before I started going to nightclubs. And I remember my cousin took me to see a band and all I knew how to do was throw my legs around.
So I was like, I, it was like somebody had duct taped me with invisible duct tape and then shot tasers at my thighs.
Uh, that was my, uh, that was my entire dance routine. And I do remember people like, is that, maybe that's, is that a Canadian thing?
It looks like he's carrying two invisible suitcases and slipping on ice.
Maybe that's a Canadian thing. Maybe that's what they do up there.
Maybe they dance with ice skates and duct tape.
But, um, so.
Yeah, the people who tell you you're a bad dancer, they just don't like the… They don't want you…

[29:49] They don't want you out competing them. Now, again, being a good dancer, being a bad dancer, what matters is if you throw yourself into it and you enjoy it.
Do you throw yourself into it and do you enjoy it? I remember being on a cruise and, hey, Jude, I sang, hey, Jude, to, I don't know, like 200 people.
And I just, you know, I totally got into it. Can I sing, hey, Jude, really well?
Not particularly, especially the, you know, that scale up bit at the end where he just is screaming. screaming, but you know, I'm, I'm sitting on people's laps.
I'm, I'm on my knees and, you know, and, and, you know, it's just, it's fun.
I mean, I'm not a, I'm not a singer. I'm not a rock star. I'm just, you know, but you know, throw yourself into it and have a lot of fun.
What does it, what does it matter?
What does it matter? Nobody cares. Uh, really?
And now, of course, I'm sure that there were some people who were jealous and upset and tense and angry because when you, when someone is liberated and self-expressed, all of the repressed people get get tense and angry and upset.

[30:46] Of course, right? Because they recognize that they don't have to be that tense, angry, and constipated emotionally or in all of that kind of stuff, right?
So when you see someone throwing themselves, and particularly because I'm not a great singer, when I'm out there singing Hey Jude or wherever it is, I remember being down at a waterfront karaoke session many years ago, and I sang Stevie Wonder's Superstition.
I actually can do that one okay, believe it or not. And I love that song.
It's just got a great beat to it.
And I let the whole crowd in a sort of dance, go this way, go this way.
And everybody kind of got into it. And it was just great.

[31:23] Again, you know, I mean, so if I was some great singer, then people would say, oh, he's that relaxed and happy to do this stuff because he's a great singer.
But because I'm not a great singer, when I go in and do that kind of stuff, people are like, well, how is it possible that he's doing it and enjoying it while not being that good at it?
Right. And that's just because what do I care? Like, I mean, it's, I try to be a good philosopher, but I don't really particularly care if I hit some note while I'm singing.

[31:52] The important thing is to show that kind of freedom and that kind of enjoyment.
And it's generous because if you're liberated in yourself, it tends to liberate other people.
Or it angers them because they really feel their own conscript.
They say, well, I can't go up and sing because I'm not a good singer.
And then they see me going up there and having a blast while not being a good singer. And they're like, well, I guess that excuse is gone, right? That kind of stuff.
So they get tense. And why do women like a guy who's happy to dance?
And they generally do, right?
And I can say this, you know, just having danced and danced with, I don't know how many zillions of women over the years, but before I became married, women like it if you have fun when you dance.
I mean, there are some women who get kind of tense and repressed about it, but most women kind of like it.
Because what you're saying is, I'm not self-conscious, which means I can't be ruled by others, which means my loyalty is available to my family, right? right?
What brings women security, especially if they want to have kids, what brings women security is, is, is you not being ruled by others.

[32:54] Does that make sense? Now, if you're like, well, I can't go up and dance because I'm going to be so self-conscious and other people are going to criticize me, then the woman knows that you're too influenced by other people, which means you can't be loyal to her, which is why women like it when men are flamboyant and self-expressed and all all of that kind of stuff, right?
Because it means that their loyalties are available to the woman because it's not like you don't care what other people think, but you don't care.
You don't care to give up your fun to repressed people, right?
I don't know if this is making any sense at all. It's important for me.
Uh, somebody says I had a fun time at a Brazilian harvest party that a friend of mine brought me to.
At one point, we all joined hands and and danced in line and walked under other people who formed a tunnel with their hands.
Yeah, it's great human communion. Let's have fun, get back to the primitive side of things and shake your mind and make a… That's kind of what we need, right?
Yeah, at my wedding, I sang Unchained Melody to my wife in front of a lot of people, and it was great. It was fun.

[34:05] What I, oh, somebody says here, the person putting others down is trying to increase their chances of finding a mate with there being fewer dancers. Yeah, for sure.
If you are putting on a better sexual display than I am, either I rise to your level or I sabotage you, right?
That's the way things work, right?
Sorry, somebody wrote something about, did I? Oh, sorry, they missed it.
So this was something on, what I learned over the years is that all that matters in dancing is that you're having fun. Show that you are enjoying yourself.
A lot of guys show their dance skills to impress women, of course, and it works.
But with women, it's all about the vibe. And if you're having fun, that just rubs off on them. it works.
Right. So if you have fun in things that you're not that great at, it means you're not just doing it because you're showing off.
It means that you're comfortable with yourself and all of that. Right.
Uh, somebody says, Oh, you don't like this competition stuff.
A quote, friend blocked me when I wanted to talk to a girl. We're no longer friends. I don't know what that means.
Sorry. I'm out of the dating market. So I don't know what that means.

[35:19] Get up stand up and stand up for your right yeah yeah i mean i i remember uh doing uh no woman no cry in a jamaican accent in jamaica that was great fun they've never ever been blinded by the white and putting the white in barry white all right um somebody says it makes sense and also self-consciousness sometimes means there's a kind of block or lack of authenticity you can't be vulnerable with someone who is too worried about ego or their appearance No, it's just so a woman's loyalty needs you to be to her.
And if you're self-conscious, it means that if other people criticize you, you will appease them, which means loyalties go outside the family.
What are your thoughts on toxic shame and how to overcome it?
I have this compulsion to feel ashamed of things I've said or done in the past, even things that are not considered shameful or were done out of a genuine lack of wisdom. I've even felt shame about commenting on locals.
It usually takes some time for shame attack to appear. here.
I've gone on to delete. I've gone on delete sprees on social media.
I've deleted accounts, personal photos, and gone into isolation for making mistakes.
Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. That's, that is a tough mindset to live with. That is a tough mindset to live with.
I just get other comments and then we'll get to that because that might take a little while. I don't like the sabotage.

[36:44] I don't really know what to say it's sabotage of course you're not supposed to like it, I don't like the negative things that are supposed to be dissuading me women generally want men to have normal self-conscious political views however don't they.
The Hero's Journey

[37:04] Well, you know that there's a constant tale in just about all cultures of a young hero having to rescue women from a terrible monster, a kraken, a dragon, a medusa, that to win the heart of a woman, you have to rescue her from a terrible monster.

[37:28] Give us a few seconds if you make an accent. Did you make an accent?
One um i id uh maybe so you know that you have to rescue women from the dragon now do you know what the dragon is the dragon is propaganda the dragon is the dragon is group think the dragon is automatic thinking and you you have to be willing to go and rescue women from, the other often toxic women who are bringing them down so that they don't out-compete them in the sexual marketplace, right?
So, I mean, typical example would be there's a cluster of overweight women and they are constantly encouraging other women to eat and that exercise is a right-wing fascist scheme of X, Y, and Z, right?
So, they're constantly trying to get other women to gain weight or not exercise.
And that's the groupthink, right? And wrestling young women away from peers and towards the love of a single man is the journey, is the battle, right?

[38:45] Men are better with isolation. Women in general often need to cleave a little bit more to people.
And so to detach a woman from the peers and to attach her to a productive and happy and virtuous relationship, particularly obviously with a man in general, is a plus.
So you have to go in and you have to fight the dragon.
The dragons are the other women who are usually sabotaging her her for the sake of reducing her capacity to exceed them in sexual marketplace value so, you have to be attractive enough to woo women away from peers and women have to be attractive enough to woo men away from i don't know porn and video games or maybe peers these days as well though it seems to be more than porn and video games so you're very right steph i believe there is a single mom that is one of my ex's best friends uh so he says during covid i didn't wear a mask in stores and would be the only one people would stare and criticize but i wasn't self-conscious about that i say no i can get there with dancing so i know i can get there with dancing yeah yeah yeah part of why she's on the road to single motherhood yes friends are great salvations or great damnations there's very little in between they either bring you to heaven or to hell, but there's very, very little in between.
Overcoming Toxic Shame

[40:10] All right. Toxic shame and how to overcome it. I have this compulsion to feel ashamed of things that I've said or done in the past.
Well, my friend, I, again, I'm very, very sorry to hear that.

[40:26] The dragon generally is the dysfunctional mother of the woman you're interested in.
That is often the dragon that the men have to liberate, the woman from. A compulsion to feel.
So I always, the language that people use to describe their issues, right? I have this compulsion to feel ashamed of things that I've said or done in the past.
I have this compulsion, like a possession. So where do you think that you would have learned this from?
Where do you think you understand that children are not born this way?
Right? Children are not born with toxic shame.
So guilt tends to be when you've done something wrong according to your standards.
Shame is when you fear punishment according to other people's standards.
Right? So guilt is, I feel guilty, I feel bad because I didn't live up to my own standards.
Shame is when you fear attack from others, because you have violated their standards. Does this make sense?
I want to sort of… So when you're talking about shame, you're talking about fearing attack from others rather than missing your own standards.

[41:48] I just want to make sure that I have… Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Uh, so yes, yeah. You learned it in your family of origin, right? Okay.
So, and I'll just
You're welcome to do a call and show about this.
So I have a compulsion to feel ashamed of things I've said or done in the past.
No, I don't believe that that's the case. I could be wrong. I don't believe that that's the case.
I think what it is, is that you were punished for, By people, you were punished by parents in a bad mood, and they needed to find something to punish you for, and therefore they found something that they did or said.
So you know that there's people who hold grudges. Do you know why people hold grudges?
They hold grudges so that they can always find an excuse to abuse people.
Or remember that time when you, you know, and another thing, you know, and, you know, there's this.
So if somebody likes to snarl at others and put them down when that person is in a bad mood, they need to hold grudges so that they can constantly come up with justifications as to why they can be mean.

[42:57] If the woman's mother is dysfunctional, you are in for a world of pain.
Not necessarily. Not if you rescue her.
It's like saying if you live with the dragon, you're going to get your ass burnt.
Yes. But you don't have to live with the dragon.
Come on in and rescue me. All right.
So my guess would be, DJ, that you had parents who were volatile, unpredictable, and attacked you on the supposed things that you'd said or done in the past, and that having said or done things that you could be attacked for in the past was a constant source of anxiety, And in the illusion that you could make yourself safe, you pretended that you pretend now that if you clean up the past, you'll be safe from attack.
I guess it is a question of whether or not she refuses to be rescued. Don't be so passive.
If you are charming enough and you care about her enough and you are virtuous enough, she's probably going to want to be rescued.
She's probably going to want to be rescued. Right?

[44:10] Yes, 100%, right. Yeah, I mean, I had things when I was a kid.
If my mother was in a bad mood, she'd stalk around the house, stalk around the apartment looking for something that she could get mad about.
And you know, she'd just be looking for something, right? She would say, where's the flashlight? Right? She didn't need the flashlight.
Because then if you say, well, I don't know. And she's like, well, you had it last. And you know, she'd, the flashlight is expensive, but not made of money. Just it would go from there, right?

[44:46] I remember my poor brother lost his braces in England, he left them on a tree stump while we were building a fort and they were just gone and we searched for hours all through the leaves, it was fall and he couldn't find his braces, it was terrifying and I sympathize and understand and wear your braces like blah, right, I would lose keys from time to time and And, uh, my mother would, would never want to get new keys cut because she would believe somehow that we would then get robbed because I'd lost my keys somewhere within a five square mile radius.
We were going to get robbed. And I remember saying to her, like, we don't have the apartment number. First of all, they have to get in downstairs.
There's a key for that. Then we have to get in upstairs. They have to know, but they're going to go up and down, try and try and every key in a five, a five square square mile radius. Yes, like it didn't matter. Didn't matter, right?

[45:42] So I would leave the door unlocked. I would go to school. I would come back home. My mother would have locked it when she left for work and because she left for work later often than I did.
And so, because I couldn't, and yeah, I spent like half my mid-teens, I just didn't have keys and couldn't get into the place.
I just couldn't tell my mom I didn't have any keys because she'd go nuts.
Like, no, I'd rather be hungry all day than go through that, right?
So it's just one of these sad things. So you have people who attack you, so it's a matter of self-defense.
You were attacked for things that you said or did in the past, and therefore that is still in your world.
That sore-on eye of, I can strike you down whenever I feel like it, that is something that is in your life.
Now, let me ask you this, DJ. Do you have people in your life at the moment who will attack you, for past, quote, mistakes, right?
There is a level of dysfunction no charisma or virtue can overcome.
I'm saying this not to weaken anyone's resolve, but to warn people against wasting their time and emotional energy.
No, you're not trying to help others. You're just regretful about something you did in the past, right?

[47:02] If there's a level of dysfunction that no charisma or virtue can overcome, that's going to be blindingly obvious. and you won't bother, right?
Right, so let's say that there's some woman, she's been a drug addict for 20 years, she's living on the streets, half her hair is missing and she's got one tooth.
Yes, no amount of charisma or virtue can overcome that.
But then why would you, you wouldn't even bother, right? Because it would be too obvious, right?
So you're telling people don't waste their energies, but if the person, if the woman say, could be a woman, could be a man, if the woman in this example is that dysfunctional, You wouldn't bother.
You don't need to tell people that, right? So this is about your past.
This is not about other people.

[47:53] DJ is typing I need to get the the updates I hope that you will listen to the show Stop Hating Women I just put that out I hope you listen to that show, some very very good arguments in there less so there used to be a lot I'm distancing from them there are a few left there are a few left I must admit right okay, do you have anyone in your life that you can talk about your feelings with to the point where you don't have to act them out.
Talking About Feelings

[48:27] Do you have people in your life you can talk about your feelings with to the point where you don't have to act them out?
Because your shame, you either talk about it with people or you generally will act it out in the world.
Now you going and deleting stuff and so on, I mean, maybe there's good reason or whatever, right?
But in general, if you're out there deleting a whole bunch of stuff, it's because you're acting out your anxiety.
You're not talking out your anxiety. Now, if you talk out your anxiety and you say, I'm concerned about this, I'm concerned about that, I've got a strong feeling of shame about this, that, and the other, you can talk about it.
Hopefully you can get some reassurance. Hopefully you can get some perspective.

[49:04] Alone, we go crazy. Isolation is madness. And if you're alone with your own thoughts and you can't share them with people, and you can't get other people's perspective, then you almost have no choice, but to deal with your feelings, by acting them out. And in this case, it would be about deleting stuff that is probably quite innocuous rather than… So you need people in your life you can talk about your feelings with so that you don't end up having to act them out, if that makes sense.
And I'm not saying you're being… Because your parents acted out their feelings, rather than talking about them with you, right? right?
Yes, my wife, but I used to act out my emotions with her in the beginning.
Okay. All right. So if your wife, is your wife helping you ditch the toxic people from your life?
Is your wife in on that project? She's behind it a hundred percent.
In fact, she leads the way sometimes in helping you get the toxic people out of your life.
Yes. And I help her too. Okay.
So then if you're both committed to getting the toxic people out out of your life, why are there still toxic people in your life? I'm a little I'm a little lost.
Right? So if you're both committed to getting toxic people out of your life, why do you still have toxic people in your life?
Warning Against Toxic People

[50:28] I mean, I can vaguely imagine some reasons, but I can't imagine any reason strong enough that this triggering is still occurring.
Because you said you still have shame throwers and abusers and so on in your life.
And distancing, I'm distancing from them. What does that mean?
I don't know what that means. I'm taking less poison isn't the same as being healthy, I'm taking less heroin isn't the same as being clean, so I'm not sure what, and I mean yeah I've made mistakes and shows I've misunderstood things I've, misinterpreted things I've got things wrong I'll generally leave that stuff in because Just, you know, I mean, there's nothing wrong with making mistakes. It's going to happen.

[51:37] Ooh, staple or elite, getting kind of vicious. Getting kind of mean.
Wow, you are nasty. You are nasty.
Not meeting in real life, only occasional messages.
Look, you have standards or you don't. You have standards or you don't.
I mean, if you have a standard saying no toxic people in my life, that's kind of binary.
I mean, where you have to, maybe you've got a bad boss or something like that and maybe it takes a while to get a new job. So there's times where you have to kind of put up with it and so on. But, So you're down to, I don't, sorry, I don't believe you. I'm sorry. I could be wrong.
But if you say that you are still going on delete sprees on social media, deleted accounts, personal photos gone into isolation for making mistakes.
And you're like, ah, only occasional messages online.
How is that enough to, to trigger this childhood repetition?

[53:00] When you acted out against your wife, what did you do?

[53:12] Sorry, I'm just going back to this stapler elite. And James had a conflict here.
Misunderstandings and Apologies

[53:26] So James posted, stop hating women.
And he did that because I referenced the show. And then stapler elite replied to James and said, I don't hate women.
I love a lot of them. I just discriminate between them. You are 40 and single.
So James is posting something because I referenced the show.
It wasn't personal to you, but you got personal and vicious towards James.
Yeah, you owe James an apology there, my friend. Sorry, you owe James an apology.
That was pretty rude, and that was pretty nasty. James is helping me out and helping the listeners out by posting a show. He wasn't referencing you.
Nobody was referencing you. I was saying to everyone, you should listen to this show because it was really good.
So yeah, you owe James an apology for being kind of cruel.
Needlessly, when James was not referencing anything to do with you in a hostile way.
So this is why you have trouble helping people, because it seems to me you're kind of reactive and, I mean, mean, right?
Said, I tried to sabotage our relationship. I had a lot of toxic people in my life. Bad people didn't want us together.
Bad people didn't want us together. other.

[54:41] So then your wife must have been used to this kind of sabotage and it must have worked on her, right?
So maybe you're having trouble overcoming the toxic shame because you've acted out against other people what was painful to you, right?
You've acted out against other people that which was most painful or significantly painful to you.
And so if you have, in a sense, become somebody who's destructive in this way, right?

[55:18] Mmm, kind of a lame apology there, right? Apologies, I thought you were referencing me as you mentioned it after talking about my comment.
No, it means that you really weren't listening that much to the show because I had just mentioned the show. And just saying the word apologies, followed by an excuse, that's a BNAP.
Yeah, sorry, that's not a good apology at all. I don't think that's very heartfelt or honest.
I mean, you kind of hit where it hurt and you were entirely unjust. just apologies.
I thought you were referencing me. You mentioned my comments.
That's not a very genuine apology. I mean, you really did say something very nasty there and you were entirely in the wrong.
And the word apologies is not much, right? It's not much. Very thin gruel.
I have this compulsion to feel ashamed of things I've said or done in the past, even things that are not considered shameful or were done out of genuine lack of wisdom.
I've even felt shame about commenting on locals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you said you should watch this show right after reading my comment.
Let's see here.

[56:43] Uh, no, you had a comment said, uh, you said there's a level of dysfunction, no charisma or virtue can overcome.
I'm saying this not to weaken anyone's resolve, but to warn people against wasting their time and emotional energy.
So then what I did was I talked about how, uh, if a woman's a 20 year heroin addict, you wouldn't get involved in that.
I had a whole long thing about like, there's a level of dysfunction that you can't help, but that's so obvious that you wouldn't get involved to begin with.
Right. so uh then i talked about uh stop hating women uh just because it was a great show um, so um that was the last comment before that so no it was not you were you were not paying attention and you jumped to a conclusion and you were wrong.

[57:26] I don't think it's unreasonable to hear that as being directed at me, yeah it is unreasonable it's completely unreasonable it's completely unreasonable so listen brother brother brother brother do you think after all this time that if i thought you hated women and wanted to call you out on that do you think i wouldn't say that do you really think that i'm going to be like some sort of weasley guy i think you hate women so i'm going to talk about a show I just released yesterday, and I'm going to post that as some sideways, weaselly, passive-aggressive criticism.
If you know, if I think you hate women, I would say, I think you hate women, and here's why, and let's talk about it.
Like, why on earth would you confuse me for some passive, aggressive, manipulative thing?
I don't remember the exact sequence of why I ended up suggesting that show, other than it was just a really great show that went out yesterday, which I often will do.
I will often talk about great shows that just went out and remind you to do all of that.
So, yeah, it's completely unreasonable to hear that as being directed at you. Of course it is.
Or at least you can ask, but why would you just assume that, right?

[58:42] Even if that were the case, why would you attack James? He was dogpiling.
Right. Right, so a stapler elite is now making up excuses as to why he was mean, right?
Yeah, that's fair. I'm sorry, Stefan. It's not to me. You don't need to apologize to me.
You need to apologize to James for hitting him where it hurts, when he was just trying to be a good helper to me and share a show that I had just talked about recording yesterday.
Why avoid accountability by poking here and there? You said this, I responded with that.

[59:15] You jump to conclusions. You felt hurt and you lashed out.
And the reason why this is important is, you understand this is a rehearsal.
This is a microcosm for the world.
So if you feel hurt and you lash out, hurting someone really, really hard, you really, really lashed out hard there.
Went right to the soft underbelly. You really, really lashed out hard because you felt hurt.
That's a bad fucking habit, brother. brother, that's a shitty habit to have that you misinterpreted something and lashed out really hard, really viciously.
That is a terrible habit. And I'm sorry, like, I'm sorry for the, the child that you had or the decisions that you've made in your life that led you to that place.
But that's a terrible habit to have that you give yourself permission while he was dogpiling.
And you know, well, it's reasonable for me to do this and that and the other.
And it's like, no, that's, that's a really bad habit, man.
That's a really bad habit. People can't like, cause Because if you give yourself permission and justification to lash out hard at people, to really wound people or try to wound people, because you feel justified in the moment rather than being curious and asking questions, it means nobody can feel safe around you.
Because you could just do that if you misinterpret something.

[1:00:30] Honestly, this is a chance for genuine self-knowledge. And I'm not trying to hate on you and I'm not trying to put you down or anything like that.
This is a real chance for genuine self-knowledge. right?
Which is if you give yourself permission to behave in that kind of way, people are never going to be able to feel safe around you.
Because, you know, understand, misunderstandings happen all the time in relationships.
You know that, right? Because language is limited, motivations are complex, people react.
Misunderstandings happen all the time in relationships. And if you give yourself permission, and again, I'm not trying to hate on you, I'm not trying to put you down, I'm genuinely trying to help you as best I can, right?
Maybe I'm doing it well, maybe I'm doing I'm not doing it badly, but I'll certainly try and do it. Misunderstandings happen all the time.

[1:01:14] What would be, let me just ask you this. What's the most honest thing you could have said when you saw, you kind of lost track a bit of the conversation, and then you saw James post the show that I had referenced?
What's the most honest thing that you could have said in that moment when you saw that show posted and you had your emotional reaction? action, which, you know, emotions are fine. Nothing wrong with those.
They're very important, very helpful.
What's the most honest thing, this real-time relationship, this guy, right?
What's the most honest thing you could have said when you saw James post that show?
Now, just to go back to the, to DJ, this, you go and delete sprees.
Understanding Emotional Habits

[1:01:54] So the first thing you want to know about your emotional habits is do they work, right? Do they work?
So the fact is that deleting accounts personal photos going into isolation doesn't solve the problem right you still have the problem it doesn't solve the problem because you still have the problem yeah when you posted that i felt pain right that's you know and what you did was you inflicted pain rather than confess pain right now stapler elite you can you inflicted rain you You inflicted pain rather than confessing pain.

[1:02:29] Isn't that exactly what your parents did? Or whoever was brutal to you as a child? Isn't that exactly?
Instead of your mother or your father saying, I'm hurt and upset, they inflicted pain upon you.
Instead of confessing pain, you inflicted pain. And wasn't that done to you?
And didn't you? I think the pain comes from the hypocrisy of it.

[1:02:52] I don't know. That seems a bit abstract to me. But didn't we all suffer from this when our parents were upset, if they were abusive, right?
Our parents were upset and they just made us feel bad instead of, right? Yeah, it's what they did, right?
So you don't want to do that because you want, I mean, I'll just appeal to your sort of selfish greed, right?
You don't want to inflict pain rather than confessing pain because then you lose the moral right to be angry at your parents, right?
And you, honestly, you want to, if your parents were abusive, you want to retain the clear-hearted moral right.
Only one of them? Thank you.

[1:03:30] Oh my God. We're nitpicking now about which parent was abusive.
That's as opposed to the other one who just let it happen or married the person who did it or gave them children and kept them around. Come on, man.
We have to, we've graduated beyond one parent was better than the other.
Haven't we? My God, that's 101.
I'm not sure you want to be helped. And maybe that's why you were saying earlier, you were saying there's some people who are beyond help.
Maybe, be maybe you're one of them i don't know all right so the delete sprees sorry not trying to nitpick so now sorry and an excuse right sorry and steph you're wrong you i right so you just now at this point you're gaslighting right so sorry not trying to nitpick it's like you kind of were right so because only one of them is not important right it's completely unimportant as to the habit that you have it's completely unimportant so if you bring up a tangent that's unimportant it's definitely obfuscating right so so yeah the shame deletion stuff so deleting, the accounts the personal photos going into isolation deleting doesn't solve the problem right because you continue to feel shame so what that what's that telling you is that the origin of your shame has nothing to do with what you've done right so if you if you say i like let's say Say that you posted something really mean and nasty and you delete it, then you'll feel better, right?

[1:04:58] So you'll feel better. So there's a relief, right? It's sort of like, I'm anxious, where's my phone?
And then you find your phone, well, the anxiety should go away because you found your phone. At least that anxiety, right?
So what is happening is the toxic shame, you try to do something to make the toxic shame go away, but the toxic shame doesn't go away.
And what that tells you is that the toxic shame is not something related to what you've done. It's related to something else.
And you have a magical thinking called, I'll delete the old posts and I'll feel better, but it doesn't work.
Right? So what it's saying to you is that the toxic shame is not related to things you've done, things you've posted.
And because deleting them doesn't make it go away. Right? Doesn't make that problem go away.
So the toxic shame comes from not what you have done, but from other people attacking you. Does that make sense?

[1:05:58] You know, I mean, have you ever had this? You wake up with a headache and you, maybe you slept a little funny and you stretch your neck or maybe you've got a massage gun or something or whatever, right?
And maybe that fixes your headache, right? You're just kind of tense with your neck or whatever. Maybe it doesn't, in which case you do something else, right? Take an Advil or whatever, right?
So yeah, it doesn't solve it. And so it's, you say, well, I feel shame.
So I'm going to delete the material. The shame doesn't go away, which is your shame telling you it's nothing to do with what you did.
Your shame is trying to relieve you.
It's saying you feel ashamed because you were attacked. and you're like, oh, well, I was attacked because of these posts, so I'll delete the posts and we're fine, right? No, we're not fine, because it didn't come from that.
It didn't come from anything you did. If you think deleting your posts is going to get rid of the toxic shame, you're saying that somehow you deserve the toxic shame, and because your toxic shame doesn't go away, your toxic shame is saying it's not what you did.

[1:06:47] You didn't do anything shameful. You were attacked by assholes.
The Source of Toxic Shame

[1:06:52] Does that make sense? You didn't do anything shameful. harmful you were attacked by assholes who used your actions as an excuse for attacking you, right like that you can think of the guy who comes home in a bad mood from work and his wife serves him dinner and the dinner isn't hot and he just throws the plate and yells at her this cooking is you're cooking a shit you never give me anything warm i work hard and you can't even get off your ass like whatever right it's not it's not about the food it's not about out the heat of the food he just had it it's a bad day and rather than confessing pain he's inflicting pain right so your toxic shame is trying to liberate you from thinking that you did something right your toxic shame is trying to tell you it wasn't you wasn't your posts look you can delete all the posts you want i'm not going away because i'm not the problem, Your posts are not the problem, right?

[1:07:57] I mean, if you have a toothache and you think, oh, I have a toothache because I haven't worked out today, and then you go and work out, your toothache doesn't go away because you not working out isn't the source of your toothache.
Your toothache retains until when? Until you deal with the toothache. Go to the dentist.
So you keep doing these rituals, which, if it worked, the toxic shame would stop.
But it doesn't stop. Because you thinking that your problem is what you've done rather than being attacked when you were a child.
Your toxic shame will be like, no, we're still in danger because you haven't accurately identified where I'm coming from.
I'm coming from you being attacked as a child. And you say, well, I'll delete my posts on Locals. No, no.
I'm because you were attacked as a child. Well, I'll delete an account. No, no.
I'm not here because you have an account. I'm not here because you posted on Locals. I'm here because I need to save you from abuse.
And you're pretending that if you delete something on social media, that that's the source of why I'm here is wrong.
I'm here because you were attacked as a child and you're still in danger.
Now you deleting shit on the internet is not going to change that you were attacked as a child or that you're still in danger.
Right? Does this make sense? Like the toxic shame is because you're.

[1:09:26] Ah, I have a really bad toothache. I know what.
I'll massage my feet and get a haircut. It's like, that's not, no.
You don't have a really bad headache because your feet are not massaged or something like that, right? Probably, right?
So, yeah, it's just saying it's not you. It's not you. It's not your post.
It's not what you did. It's something else. And I assume that the something else is the unjust attacks.
When you were a child, right?
And they told you we're attacking you because you did X, Y, and Z, that's just a lie. That's a lie.
It's a total lie. They attacked you because they wanted to inflict pain rather than confess pain.

[1:10:07] So, you know, it's not your fault. It wasn't your fault. You weren't attacked.
You weren't attacked as a kid because you did anything wrong.
You follow? You weren't attacked as a kid because you did anything wrong. None of us were.
None of us were attacked as children because we did anything wrong, whether it was in school or church or parents or extended family or older brothers, older sisters, doesn't matter.
We were never attacked as children because we did something wrong.
We were attacked as children because assholes and cowards prefer to inflict pain rather than confess pain. It's easier.
It's lazier. Sorry, staple radio.
I'm not putting you in this category because this was just like, I'm talking about child abuse, not you being mean to James in a chat.
There's a different category. I mean, minorly the same principle, but a totally different moral category, just to be clear.
So you have the solution, I think, that you were attacked because you did something wrong?
You were attacked because you did something wrong? No, you weren't. As a child? No.
No, you weren't attacked because you did something wrong. You were attacked because they're assholes and cowards prefer to inflict pain than confess pain.
They couldn't handle their own emotions so they had to bully you.

[1:11:27] This is me still as well needing to figure out how to speak instead of acting out. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you're either assertive or passive-aggressive. Like, you understand, there's no other choice in life.
There's no other choice in life. You're either assertive, which means honest.
You're either honest or passive-aggressive. That's all there is.
There's nothing else. There's no third rail. There's no third way. There's no, right?
There's north and south. There's no other dimension.
Assertiveness vs. Passive-Aggressiveness

[1:12:03] What about when confessing pain opens you up to attack? Fantastic.
Fucking great. You should love that. Love that.
No, it's not a stupid question.
There are no stupid questions. There are only stupid socialists.
It's wonderful. If you confess pain and you get attacked, you're free.
Beautiful. People couldn't be more helpful if they gave you a million dollars.
And I'm not kidding about that. People could not be more helpful to you than if they gave you a million dollars.
If you confess pain and you get attacked, ridiculed, mocked, shamed, great, fuck, great, I'm out. I'm done. Tapping out.
Thank you. Honestly, thank you for being clear. Thank you for giving me permission.
Now, as a kid, maybe that's a different matter because you can't, you don't have a choice. You don't have freedom of association when you're a child, right?

[1:13:04] I was a bit nervous asking, but it makes total sense. Thank you.
Yeah, no, that's fine. And I appreciate the honesty.
So listen, you're either like, why is it that I don't, I mean, I don't think I'm passive aggressive in these shows because I'm kind of, I'm pretty direct. It doesn't mean I'm right, but I'm direct.
DJ says, yes. And I had repetition compulsion to seek out situations to feel this shame.
No. Those who bullied you preferred you to feel this shame because it interfered with your just anger towards them.
Stop making it all just about you and you made things up, right?
Yeah, so you didn't have repetition compulsion to seek out situations to feel this shame.
No, you were programmed to seek out shame because it short-circuited the anger against those who did you harm.
You see, I'm decreasing self-medication now and the emotions are bubbling up.
I cried as you read my initial post, then I felt fear. I'm still trembling a little bit.
And how do you feel now?
There's no third way. You feel sad? And, you know, I really sympathize with that.
And there's a lot of brutality that kids go through to end up in this kind of, what's it, shame spiral, they call it, a toxic shame.
It just means that you're still in danger in some manner. Yeah.

[1:14:29] Eyes welling up again. Yeah, big hugs, man. Big hugs.
Big hugs.
Big hugs. I'm so sorry.

[1:14:45] Yeah, I mean, we all have these historical demons chained to our footsteps that try and lead us down instead of up, lead us to hell instead of heaven.
Yeah, big hugs, brother. brother. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry for what you went through as a child.
Alright, so just, I'm going to close off in a second here. I need to get a little bit of food. I've got a call-in show tonight.
Closing Remarks and Donation Appeal

[1:15:13] If there are any, I mean, I know you guys are donors. If there are any little tips you wanted to throw in, I would be, thrilled to get them. If you're listening to this later, slash donate to help out the show.
I'd really, really appreciate that. that February is a tricky month for donations and, slash donate to help out the show. It really would appreciate that.
So I don't think Staple or Elite ever did end up apologizing again, but I have to close down the show.
So I guess we'll have to live with that or he'll have to live with that going forward.
So thanks everyone so much. Lots of love from up here.
I will talk to you soon, but not tomorrow night, but we'll be back on Sunday 11 a.m. for regular, regularly scheduled hoedown and have yourself a beautiful evening lots of love take care bye.

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