DON'T BE DEAD! Transcript


0:00 - Introduction
0:28 - Father's Day Wishes
1:04 - Showing Respect to Fathers
1:37 - Opening the Floor for Comments
1:43 - First-Time Listener
2:10 - Strange Father-Child Dynamics
3:09 - Holding Fathers Accountable
3:21 - Rant or Q&A?
3:54 - Donations and Tips
4:11 - Addressing Unresolved Issues with Fathers
4:47 - Confronting Fathers About Parenting
6:07 - The Goal of Being Better
6:29 - Ending a Relationship with a Parent
7:10 - Recognizing Lack of Relationship with Mother
9:35 - Ending an Association with a Mother
10:45 - Major Moral Lesson: Telling the Truth
11:02 - Lack of Updates on a Parent
11:14 - Consequences of Rejecting Reality
11:56 - Covering Up Crimes of Evildoers
13:37 - Responsibility for Being a Victim
14:41 - Tips on Evaluating People
15:13 - Childhood Cause of Kleptomania
18:35 - Evaluating People's Integrity
19:26 - Misconceptions about Thought
19:49 - The Value of Reasoning
21:32 - Difference in Communication Styles
23:35 - Handling Upsetting Situations
25:19 - Apologizing with Sincerity
26:47 - Dealing with Defensiveness
28:28 - Addressing Negative Experiences
29:03 - Taking Responsibility for Lies
30:53 - Challenges of Voluntary Family
33:23 - Understanding Abusive Situations
33:56 - Alcohol and Self-Erasing Behaviors
36:10 - Importance of Communicating with Women
37:01 - The Difficulty of "Defooing"
38:21 - Empathy for Those in Dysfunctional Families
40:19 - Struggle with Excessive Drinking
40:58 - Attraction to Competence in Violence
44:18 - Disagreement on Perceived Wrongs
45:27 - Victim Mentality
46:59 - Reproducing the Past
50:17 - Denial and Oversensitivity
52:30 - Private Conversations
1:05:20 - Directness and Honesty
1:19:06 - Regrets and Missed Opportunities
1:22:10 - Unpacking the Past
1:25:32 - Freedom from Lies
1:30:03 - Tolerating Hatred
1:32:58 - Focus on Philosophy

Long Summary

On this special episode, we begin by celebrating Father's Day and discussing the profound significance of honesty in relationships. I share personal anecdotes and reflections on fatherhood, inviting viewers to engage in a dialogue centered around themes of childhood trauma, honesty, and the moral fabric of our interactions. Through a blend of introspection and humor, we navigate through complex topics, shedding light on the impact of parental dynamics and the value of truthful communication in fostering genuine connections.

Delving deeper into the conversation, we explore the art of taking responsibility during conflicts and the power of genuine apologies in de-escalating tensions. Emphasizing empathy, open dialogue, and personal growth, we unveil the transformative potential of understanding others' perspectives and navigating relationships with grace. From discussions on alcohol consumption to the nuances of attraction and evolutionary reasoning behind our choices, we traverse the landscape of human relationships with a candid and insightful lens.

Transitioning into an exploration of childhood victimization and its lingering effects, we unravel the intricate dynamics of self-blame and coping mechanisms stemming from past traumas. By advocating for honesty, direct communication, and the liberation found in expressing one's true feelings, we peel back the layers of relational intricacies and unveil the power of authenticity in connection. The conversation meanders through topics of offense, indirectness rooted in childhood patterns, and the transformative journey towards self-discovery and genuine communication.

In a poignant moment of reflection, I share personal sentiments on missed connections and the weight of unresolved sentiments in the face of loss. Expressing regret for not fostering connections before it was too late, I stress the importance of asking questions, fostering connections, and embracing vulnerability to avoid the haunting specter of missed opportunities. Touching on the essence of love amidst hatred, the role of philosophy in shaping perspectives, and the significance of community support through donations, we conclude with heartfelt gratitude for the support, positive feedback, and well wishes for Father's Day.


[0:00] Introduction

[0:00] Good morning, everybody. 16th June 2024, and 11, should we say, 24, plus 16 is 40. June is the sixth month. That's 46. six. I'm 57. It's a difference of 11. These math games are pointless, but good exercise for the old noggin.

[0:28] Father's Day Wishes

[0:28] So happy Father's Day, of course, to everyone. I hope that you are having a good day with your father or talking to your father or being honest with your father and holding him to the standards of fatherhood, which fathers claim as the benefits of being fathers, right? So if your father says, but I'm your father, then I hope that you are holding him to the standard of actually parenting you, of being your father. All right. Sorry, let me just zoom this out a smidge. It looks like that's a little close.

[1:01] There we go. All right.

[1:04] Showing Respect to Fathers

[1:04] So, yes, I hope that you have a good day with your father. And there's nothing that shows your father that you respect him more than telling the truth. So, for instance, my family this morning gave me an entire bag of bath bombs and soaps, thus telling me I stink. And that's the kind of frankness and honesty that fathers need. Withholding the truth from your father is treating him like a hysterical woman. So, don't do that.

[1:37] Opening the Floor for Comments

[1:37] Don't do that. All right, so let's get your comments, questions, issues, challenges.

[1:43] First-Time Listener

[1:43] First time catching the stream, tuning in while I rehearse or pack up before band practice. Ah, at band camp, I hope you're a flautist. Flautist? Bonjour, Steph. Bonjour, mes amis. Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Yes, yes, yes. Bon matin. Guten Tag. Guten Morgen. Morning, y'all. Happy Father's Day to all the amazing fathers in this community. God bless all the amazing fathers out there.

[2:10] Strange Father-Child Dynamics

[2:11] Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. day happy happy having offspring day to all the male paternal units out there the outies not the innies all right happy father's day you've been more of a parent to me than my father which he knows well i'm certainly sorry for that but glad that i can contribute so it's really strange to me, if a father were to hear from a child.

[2:37] That the child is finding the father deficient in some manner Uh-huh. For the father not to be horrified and to up his game is a little incomprehensible to me. So I hope that your father recognizes that you're finding more parenting from a guy on the internet and ups his game accordingly, right? Men used to enjoy competition. Now they seem to be rather paralyzed and crippled by it. All right.

[3:09] Holding Fathers Accountable

[3:09] So I have a rant in me. I have a rant in me based on what happened to me yesterday. So I have a rant in me, but I'm also here for your questions and answers.

[3:21] Rant or Q&A?

[3:22] I have a rant in me, but I'm also here for your questions and answers. Whatever works best for you is what I want to do. Whatever works best for you is what I want to do. And if I've given you some tips on parenthood or done a little bit of a father substitute role, tips are welcome. You know, it is Father's Day. I'm a good father. and I get a lot of that internet dad stuff. So Father's Day, the tradition is to give a little gift.

[3:54] Donations and Tips

[3:54] So if you would like to donate, slash donate.

[4:03] slash donate. Of course, you can tip on the app here on Rumble and on Locals.

[4:11] Addressing Unresolved Issues with Fathers

[4:12] All right, some people want some rent. All right. Well, I first told him about three to four years ago. Nothing has changed since, even with the occasional reminder. He might think that since I'm already an adult, it's too late to make up for it. All right. I tried to thank my father for all his hard work and sacrifices, just like Rachel did to her father, but it didn't come out as well as in your book. I hope you understood. Well, I mean, I'm a writer, right? I mean, I'm supposed to have it come out deep and meaningful. I'm sure Shakespeare didn't talk like Hamlet. My brother paid me back some money he owed me. It's coming your way. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Let's get ready to rant.

[4:47] Confronting Fathers About Parenting

[4:48] As a child, if I told my dad how lazy a father he was, I could rightly have been expected to be backhanded across the room. Yes, I'm sorry about that. Responding to criticism with violence is ape-like. Sorry, that's a bit of an insult to apes who don't really have the capacity to do better. So, I'm sorry about that. I really am.

[5:11] Rants. All right. Again, I'm just going to wait for a second if there are any questions. When was the last time you saw your mother? Probably about a quarter century ago. Taking a break from cleaning toilets to be here. Hope it's worth it. No pressure. See, this is what I'm talking about with regards to competition. I hope to rise to the level of being better than toilet cleaning. That is my foundational goal as a communicator and a motivator, is to be better than poopy wiping. That's, you know, or... Well, what's it, a guy had to finally clean the splash pee around his toilet, and you could see the shape of his feet there, and he's like, wow, what are the odds? Yes, I hope to be better than toilet cleaning. That's my new tagline. Free domain. Hopefully better than toilet cleaning.

[6:07] The Goal of Being Better

[6:08] That is the goal. All right. My dad just went silent when confronted. Yeah, and again, that's, I don't know, historical feminine stuff, right? So your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s.

[6:29] Ending a Relationship with a Parent

[6:29] Your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s. Now, as a wise community of thinking people, no disrespect to the person who's making that comment. I know you're typing and it's limited. What is the problem with saying or asking me the question, so your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s? What is the challenge with that? What is the problem with that? Formulation, that sentence.

[7:10] Recognizing Lack of Relationship with Mother

[7:11] And I do wish there wasn't quite as much of a delay sometimes in getting comments back because i feel like i'm vamping to the nth degree, but what uh yeah what's wrong with that what's wrong with that question so your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s it didn't end um yeah it is to imply there was even a relationship yes so in my early 30s i recognized that i had no relationship with my mother.

[7:42] If you are handed a counterfeit bill, and you find out later that it's a counterfeit bill, like let's pretend it's a real monetary system and you can counterfeit, right? So if you're handed a counterfeit bill and you hold on to it, you find out that the bill is counterfeit. You don't give up your relationship with the real money.

[8:11] Right you if you're given a counterfeit bill you didn't have a real bill and then walked away from a real bill you recognize that the bill is counterfeit i mean you could do this with art or whatever it is right you think you have an original krieghoff or something like that because you love the way he paints cracked ice and lord knows who doesn't you think you have an original or Cornelius Krieghoff, turns out it's a fake. Well, when did you stop having that real Cornelius Krieghoff painting? When did you decide to walk away from that real Cornelius? Like, no, I just, it was never there. It was never. Did your wife ever meet your mom? God, no. That's why she's my wife. I would never in a million years have had my wife meet my mother. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm sorry. Your association with your mother ended. No. I don't think so.

[9:20] I don't think it's the way... You could say 25 years ago, I stopped participating in an exploitive fraud.

[9:35] Ending an Association with a Mother

[9:35] 25 years ago, I stopped participating in an expletive fraud.

[9:49] I escaped an unjust imprisonment. And I just stopped lying. I just stopped lying. And it's a wild thing, you know? I mean, I had a wild experience. call-in show last night with a guy who probably has the least conscience of anyone I've ever talked to.

[10:33] And it was a huge amount of work. And I said to him, what do you think is the major moral issue that you're not addressing?

[10:45] Major Moral Lesson: Telling the Truth

[10:45] What's the major moral lesson or principle that you're missing, that your life has ended up like this. And he couldn't come up with it, and it's just telling the truth. Do you have any news about her?

[11:02] Lack of Updates on a Parent

[11:03] Um, not really. Not really. Some stuff filtered through the grapevine some years ago. It's not particularly important, but nothing's changed.

[11:14] Consequences of Rejecting Reality

[11:15] Maybe it's an object lesson. and see this is what happens when you are a horrible human being and reject reality. See, you're not virtuous if you fail to apply negative consequences to evildoers.

[11:40] You can't be a moralist and then shield evildoers from the negative effects of their actions, which is why I was not really, although I had studied, by my early 30s, I'd studied philosophy and morality for over 15 years.

[11:56] Covering Up Crimes of Evildoers

[11:56] I was not a moralist because I was still covering up the crimes of evildoers. Somebody says, but since you were in your early 30s, would you say you had responsibility in being a victim of said fraud?

[12:16] Oh, that's funny. But since you were in your early 30s, would you say you had responsibility in being a victim of said fraud? So I was the victim of multi-decade child abuse, and you're talking about my responsibility. Aligning with the abusers and attacking the victims.

[12:44] That is where your morality lies. Aligning with the abusers and criticizing or questioning or undermining the victims. Do I have responsibility for lying to myself? Of course.

[13:08] But society and the adults around me when I was growing up put me in the situation where I had to lie in order to survive. Oh, but your morality. I was trained in lying, so I didn't die. I was threatened with death for telling the truth. And you're like, well, but you have a participation in the telling of the lie. Oh, my God.

[13:37] Responsibility for Being a Victim

[13:38] I'm really sorry that this is your mindset. And I understand, like, it's an e-jerk thing, and, ah, but Steph, your moral responsibility in the lies and that. It's a very sad place to be, man.

[13:56] It's a very sad place to be. Yeah, you tell the truth, you die. Yeah, you tell the truth, you die. But since you were in your early 30s, Would you say you had responsibility in being a victim of said fraud? All right. Somebody says, found a couple of days ago that my sister and parents don't believe in truth or reality. Rather, opinions and feelings are the truth, regardless of them possibly having contradictions. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this. What do you mean, do?

[14:41] Tips on Evaluating People

[14:42] Would you like a tip on how to evaluate people?, by the way. You should check it out. We got the URL. So, would you like a tip on how to evaluate people?

[15:13] Childhood Cause of Kleptomania

[15:14] I wanted to ask Friday, since we were on the subject of stealing, what is the childhood cause of kleptomania? The childhood cause of kleptomania is that you are being stolen from as a child. Your childhood is being stolen from you, your identity is being stolen from you, your optimism, hope, and virtue is being stolen from you, so you steal to communicate to society that it's in the process of thieving. Right. You ever see the movie Terminator 2? The Terminator, the liquid Terminator, goes into an arcade and asks some kid, Where's John? Where's John? And the kid, who's got kind of like a spiky hairdo, instinctively lies to authority and says, I don't know, even though he does. Right and there's a meme which says this kid instinctively saved the entire human race because of an instinctive desire to lie to an authority figure, thank you Tony.

[16:42] So let's say that there is an unjust law that has passed. A really, truly unjust law that has passed. Right? And let's say you could be snagged by this law. Right?

[17:12] Maybe the law is, has someone ever told an off-color joke, a mildly offensive joke, a joke that could be considered kind of rude. There's some law that's passed, right? You can't say or have ever said, anything off-color or controversial or upsetting or mildly rude. You just can't have said it. Now, some policeman goes to person X and is kind of intimidating and says, Citizen, I need you to tell me whether that guy ever broke this law. All right, so let's say your name is Bob. And Sally is a family member. And some cop goes to Sally and says, has Bob ever even come close to breaking this unjust law?

[18:29] What is Sally going to say? Yeah, you know, there was that one time where like, nope, I've never heard of, nope, not in a million years.

[18:35] Evaluating People's Integrity

[18:36] Never heard of it. Never going to happen. Won't testify. Not true. Nothing. That's your evaluation. And you know the answer. You don't have to tell me the answer, but you know the answer. You know the answer. Would person X turn you over to a wildly unjust authority figure?

[19:13] I have wondered if Stefan has what they call Asperger's. His way of looking at the world is extraordinary. It takes one to know one, I suppose.

[19:26] Misconceptions about Thought

[19:26] Asperger's? That's very funny. Thought is mental problem. Thought is brain deficiency. Reason and evidence are a sign of massive biological dysfunction. Oh, gosh. That's funny.

[19:49] The Value of Reasoning

[19:50] Reasoning is the new crazy. Oh, you mean just like living in France every day? No, seriously. Seriously.

[20:07] Q, if buying is not ownership because they can delete, alter, deny services after I pay for it, then is there a moral argument saying piracy is not theft?

[20:19] So people can put whatever restrictions they want on whatever IP they want, right? I mean, I could, someone could sign a document that says, if you watch this movie, you have to do five jumping jacks. And if you sign that, then you have to do five jumping jacks. People can put whatever restrictions they want. The market will find out what's the optimum. The person says, I'm not intending to attack you as victim at all or defend your parents. Interesting. Interesting. So this is part of the same problem. So if I experience something you did as negative, right? If I experience something you did as negative, then you have an interesting challenge. As do I, as does everyone, right? If I experience something you said as negative, what do you do? What do any of us do? This is really, really important, by the way. I mean, obviously, everything I say is equally important, but this is even more equally important.

[21:32] Difference in Communication Styles

[21:33] So, if you say something that is negative, your way of looking at the world is not normal. That's why you have this show.

[21:47] I don't understand.

[21:52] So people who think are different from people who don't think. Is this the giant insight that you're bringing? You know, thinking is different from not thinking. I'm so deep. Good for you. You know, I find that going to the gym and working out has a different outcome than not going to the gym and not working out. Wow. I'm like getting a face tan here from the brilliance. Okay, so if you said something that I experienced as negative, which is, you know, when I was talking about, as I have talked about, multi-decade violent and verbal abuse, and you're like, but what's your responsibility in all of this? If you do something that I experience as negative, right, then the question is, what do you do? If you care about someone, right? And let's just, you need to take this for a spin because this is absolutely the difference between being married and divorced. This is absolutely the difference between maintaining friendships and losing friendships. that is absolutely the difference between having a successful career and getting your ass fired on a repetitive basis.

[23:19] If you do something that someone in your life experiences as negative, what do you do? What do you do?

[23:35] Handling Upsetting Situations

[23:36] What do you do?

[23:50] Apologize No, not necessarily Not necessarily Because you don't know if you're in the wrong Or somebody's being oversensitive.

[24:03] I've had people tell me that before Man, you think too much I don't need to respond to them after that. Yeah, yeah. Tell me more. Yeah. You should apologize for making them feel bad instead of, well, I didn't mean to be hurtful. Well, I don't know that you should apologize for making them feel bad because maybe you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe they're oversensitive for whatever reason. But just, you know, oh, you know, tell me. Well, certainly you're sorry to have upset them. That's almost English. Of course you're sorry to have upset them. Of course. I mean, if my wife, I don't know, she's never done this, I think. But if she, I don't know, woke me up one morning and said, I was really hurt and upset by something you said last night, right? She's never done that. But let's just say she did, right? Because we, you know, we don't upset each other. We delight each other. But if she woke me up and she said, I was really upset by something you said last night, I would, of course, be sorry that she was upset. But I wouldn't know that it's me. I wouldn't know that I did anything wrong, right? Right? So I don't want to apologize as a means of appeasement because that's a form of lying. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. When you don't even know if it is anything you did, that's a sign of fear and weakness and appeasement.

[25:19] Apologizing with Sincerity

[25:20] So I'm certainly sorry to upset someone.

[25:25] Or I'm sorry that someone is upset, I suppose, right? But I don't, I wouldn't apologize for whatever I did because I don't know why they're upset. I don't know what, right? So if someone says, I experienced something negative based upon what you said or did, the one that has you stay married, the one that has you is to take responsibility for what you said and say, tell me more. Or if the person has explained why and you agree with them, like if i said as i did i said uh you're you're siding with the abuser and only morally criticizing the victim right or you're only holding the victim's moral accountability up to the light not the perpetrator's mark so if i now if you agree and you say oh you know what that was that was kind of knee-jerk and insensitive so then you apologize right.

[26:24] But what you don't do when someone says, you did something that upset me, is immediately say, you're wrong. That's what you don't do. I mean, if you want to stay married, maintain friendships, and have a decent career. If your boss says, I'm upset at something you did, you're going to just say, oh, you're wrong.

[26:47] Dealing with Defensiveness

[26:48] No, you're wrong. You're wrong. I didn't do that It wasn't my intention It didn't happen, right? I mean, you just You'll get fired.

[26:59] Or you certainly won't get promoted.

[27:11] So, he says, I'm not intending to attack you as a victim at all or defend your parents. Now, I don't believe that. I don't believe that you can process all your own motives in such a, I mean, that's just reacting in a defensive way. Gaslighting, minimize, hey, it's not my intent. I'm not intent. So then you're saying that I am, I mean, the repercussions of saying you're upset when I had no intention of anything that you're talking about is saying, well, Steph, you're just reacting in a volatile manner and you're inventing things that aren't true. You're kind of crazy, right? So this is adding insult to injury, right? So if somebody says you did something that upset me and they say, why? And you don't address their issues and you say, hey, man, I didn't intend any of that. You're insane, right? I mean, so you just, this is how things escalate. Like you understand, I'm aware of this and I'm not offended, but this is how things escalate in a relationship. This is why people end up screaming at each other. Honestly, I'm not kidding about this is a hundred percent. This is why people get fired. This is why friendships blow up. This is why relationships blow up is people escalate. So I, you say something that upsets me. I say, I'm upset and here's why I didn't counterattack. I said, I'm upset and here's why. And then you say, well, I didn't mean to do any of that. So then where do we go from there?

[28:28] Addressing Negative Experiences

[28:28] Where do we go?

[28:32] That's what defensiveness just, it ends things or escalates things. That's what defensiveness does. It either ends things or it escalates them. There's nothing else. Either I stop talking to you because you're just calling me crazy for being upset because you criticized me morally rather than my mother who abused me, which is upsetting. And you can understand that, right? I mean, you can understand that, right? I mean, that's not brain surgery. And now you're saying that I'm totally wrong. Okay, so where do we go?

[29:03] Taking Responsibility for Lies

[29:03] So he says, I wanted to get your thoughts on if you felt a sense of moral responsibility to not being in that dysfunctional abusive situation with your mom. For instance, if you'd called her out earlier and be able to halt the abuse cycle earlier.

[29:20] Again, it's funny. It's funny because it's so obvious, right? I'm not attending to, I'm not intending to criticize you as a victim at all. I just want to know how much blame you take for staying in that abusive situation, come on man, listen you're totally wrong about me criticizing you but why the hell did you stay in that abusive situation for so long what's your response more responsibility for that huh huh, look it's okay you don't know you don't know it's very early thinking for you and I'm sorry Sorry to be insulting. I'm just pointing it out, right? You don't see it. You don't see it. It's an instinct, right? All right. He says, I'm sorry for what I said. I regret the way I worded it as well. Sometimes the confrontation makes me lose my sense of composure as well. Thank you for the reminder. I'm sorry for what I said. I regret the way I worded it as well. But you then reworded it, didn't you? And continued. So I'm not really sure about that. Yeah, if you upset someone, don't say to that person, you're wrong, I didn't mean to, you're crazy, you're paranoid, because it's all that happens, right? It's all that happens.

[30:45] I do regret the way I worded it and wanted to rephrase my question. No. No.

[30:53] Challenges of Voluntary Family

[30:54] I regret the way I worded it. So that's saying, well, Steph, it's a totally legitimate question, I just worded it wrong and clearly triggered you right I mean no no it's the intention it's the instinct when somebody says I got out of an abusive relationship and your first instinct is to say well why didn't you get out of it sooner, that's being a jerk I'm sorry that's being a jerk, and the other thing too oh my gosh like you don't you don't understand what it was like Like a quarter century ago. Now the voluntary family is a thing. Back then, it absolutely was not. I had to invent all this shit out of nothing. So I had to invent all of this out of nothing. Against massive societal hatred and hostility.

[32:06] So saying well you were the first guy to invent this incredibly dangerous and complex thing against massive hostility and rage from society why didn't you just do it earlier, Why didn't you just do it earlier? Why didn't you just do the voluntary family thing earlier? I mean, you kind of invented it and spread it at great cost and peril to yourself. Why didn't you just do it earlier, man? Why didn't you do it earlier if it's so easy? Well, Steph, it certainly is true that society had bottomless hatred and hostility for getting out of abusive relationships with parents. But why didn't you just do it earlier? And there was no real concept of it before you came along and talked about it. So why didn't you just do it earlier? I mean, you understand. It's funny. Oh, my gosh. All right.

[33:23] Understanding Abusive Situations

[33:23] It is really common. I didn't intend, I never meant to hurt you, etc. I had to work on this stuff myself. Right. Right. Yeah, don't gaslight. Gaslighting means the relationship ends or it escalates. Because people get angry. I mean, I have some self-knowledge about this stuff, and so I'm not angry, right? It's mildly annoying. But I can speak about it without escalation, right?

[33:56] Alcohol and Self-Erasing Behaviors

[33:57] Have you ever drank to excess the philosophical insight it gives you is unbelievable um i think i last got drunk at a cast party after macbeth i played macbeth and i was at a cast party and i was in my early 20s so it's been you know i don't know 35 37 years since i got a drunk, and i don't get anything out of being drunk um nothing like nothing whatsoever, it is not enjoyable it is, I mean I'm not a particularly inhibited guy to begin with so the disinhibition doesn't really help me and I just get the spins, I get dizzy, I get nauseous it basically is just like voluntary poison so I barely drink, I'll have maybe one drink every month or two but I barely drink.

[34:49] And it's, you know, it's tough because, of course, most of us have grown up with parents who won't admit fault and they did something to hurt us and they won't just say, you know, ooh, sorry, sorry, made a mistake, did the wrong thing, did the bad thing, maybe did a bad, bad thing. And so we're not, you know, and of course, our parents, our teachers, our priests, you know, the authority figures that we have as a whole, they don't apologize and all of that. I found it more common in women. If a man hurts another man in an accident, they usually just admit their mistake. Yeah, so somebody was saying this as well. Do men argue about such things? Sounds like females speak to me.

[35:41] Well, you can't be a man, really, if you don't interact with women. And if you say, well, this is a more female way of communicating, well, the purpose of a man is to communicate with females. Because we're men in order to reproduce. And in order to reproduce, we need females. And in order to get females, we need to interact with females in a positive manner. So saying it's somehow not masculine to learn how to communicate in a feminine way is ridiculous.

[36:10] Importance of Communicating with Women

[36:10] It's saying, well, you're only a man if you have absolutely nothing to do with a vagina. And it's like, no, your relationship to a vagina is exactly why you're a man. So this idea, well, that's all feminine speak. Yes. And you need to have win and woo women in order to fulfill your duties as a man, in order to reproduce, which is the only reason that males and females begin with. So this idea, well, it's just, men don't talk to each other like that. I'm like, well, first of all, gay men do. But men don't talk to each other like that. It's like, yes, but the purpose of a man is to talk to women. So, you've got to learn this stuff. I mean, if you're moving to Japan, I live with two females, right? And again, they're not particularly like this, but you've got to know this stuff.

[37:01] The Difficulty of "Defooing"

[37:02] All right. As you said before, defooing is hard, but the consequences of not defooing can be harder or even lead to grave consequences. You said that about a caller recently as well, the 35-year-old single lady who had a dad in her life. My sentiment was with respect to whether you can relate to this or not.

[37:22] I don't know what that means. Now you're just abstracting to the point where you're not saying anything. Can I relate to somebody who has not taken a toxic relationship? Like, now this is even more, honestly, this is why it always escalates until you just admit fault and responsibility and say, you know what? That was insensitive. I apologize. I'll try and figure out why. I said that because it was not good. It happens, right? It happens. We all do that, right? And so if you say, now what you've done, and this is why defensiveness and avoidance just always escalates, right? So now what you're saying is, well, Steph, you pride yourself on your sensitivity to your listeners. Can you possibly empathize or relate to a woman who has a dysfunctional father in her life or a dysfunctional parent in her life?

[38:21] Empathy for Those in Dysfunctional Families

[38:22] Right so this is even like now you're just even more insulting right, i mean my whole job in many ways is to be empathetic to my listeners and you're saying well can you empathize can you really empathize and relate to someone who had exactly the same experience as you for 32 33 years i mean really can can you.

[38:42] It's even worse like you understand it's just getting worse you probably need to stop typing You can type all you want. I'm just saying that now you're even more insulting than you were before, right?

[38:56] You're saying to a guy who was very heavy and lost a lot of weight in his early 30s and saying, and he gives advice, he's like, yeah, but can you actually relate to people who have a lot of weight and need to lose it in their 30s? Like, can you actually relate to people? And it's like, that's just even worse. So, this is what I'm saying. It always escalates until you take responsibility. All right. I was about to ask if you get drunk at all. Get nothing out of it, but apparently you do. I truly get nothing out of alcohol as I don't even get drunk or tipsy, so I don't drink any. Yeah. Yeah.

[39:38] For sure, we need to acclimatize to women. Come in softly. Well, yeah, I mean, for sure. Sure. Do you think that Genghis Khan conquered most of Asia because he was bad at talking to women? I don't know what to make of that statement. Genghis Khan conquered most of Asia because he was an animal on a horse. Hey, better to see this play out on the live stream than in a real life in-person relationship you care about. Oh, yeah, there's terrible habits. There's terrible habits. And I understand, like I sympathize with the habits. I mean, you just grew up with people who wouldn't accept responsibility and were defensive, and that's your habit, right? it. Somebody says, I get drunk every weekend, about 10 beers at a time. I know it's not a good health idea, but I'm struggling to stop.

[40:19] Struggle with Excessive Drinking

[40:19] Well, it's hard to stop at the painkillers until you can stop at the pain, right? So you get drunk in order to self-erase, which means that you have pain in your core. And if the dentist says, I need to give you a root canal, you'll be like, yeah, drug me, drug me, right? Because it's going to be really painful, right? So it's really tough to stop the medicine until you have cured the ailment. And so you've got to figure out what the beers are drowning, right? What truth? What truth?

[40:58] Attraction to Competence in Violence

[40:58] And so the reason why, and the reason why people have a tough time apologizing, which is a very strong and powerful thing to do right but the reason people have a tough time apologizing is because they grew up with immature people who would take apologies as a permanent reason to dismiss anything you ever said in the future right oh you're absolutely certain about doing you're doing the right thing now even though the last time you totally apologized because you weren't like then you just don't have any credibility and and so you just you can't give that away or you get all of that right okay hey steph what is your opinion on why some women are attracted to martial artists recently i passed by a local martial arts event and i couldn't help but notice the amount of attractive, visually, not necessarily morally, women standing outside the event. As I view it, dedicating many hours to practice and work makes men competent in their field more attractive. Is it this ability to do something long-term successfully, or there is a deeper truth in the domain of martial arts? What the hell does that mean? Sorry. Dedicating many hours to practice and work makes men competent in their field more attractive. Sorry, are you confused as to why women would be attracted to men competent in the use of violence?

[42:16] I'm not sure if that's a real question. I mean, isn't the answer blindingly obvious? Why would women have evolved to be attracted to men who were competent and comfortable in the use of violence? Because the world was an extremely violent place, and soy boys got mowed down like grasshoppers before a lawnmower. So why are women attracted to men who are decisive and competent in the use of violence? Because the women who weren't attracted to violent men throughout most of human evolution, tended to not be protected. So maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem to be wildly complicated.

[43:09] And, of course, how were resources gathered and maintained throughout most of human history. Heck, how are resources gathered and maintained now? Through violence. Property rights enforced through violence. Self-defense, personal protection enforced through violence. Resources are created and protected through people's willingness to use coercion. Right? I mean, it's morally justified if it's self-defense and protection of property and so on. So why would women be attracted to men really good at getting and protecting resources because women need resources because they got pregnant a lot and their babies needed resources, so again i'm sorry to sound dismissive but i'm not quite sure i understand why this would be, complicated and again i'm happy to be corrected if there's something that i missed but i can't understand how it's a mystery why women would be attracted to men who are competent at using violence.

[44:18] Disagreement on Perceived Wrongs

[44:18] Steph, what happens if the other person explains why they are upset, but you do not agree that you did anything wrong and you think that they are oversensitive?

[44:31] Okay, so, oh my gosh, Relationship 101. It's not about the thing. Whatever people are complaining about, it's not about the thing. So this guy is not like the guy who was saying, but Steph, why didn't you get out of this abusive relationship that you had to invent the reasons to escape way earlier? Like, honestly, the first woman who began to think, you know, maybe I shouldn't be in an abusive relationship with a man at a time when society told her it was her absolute duty to remain in an abusive relationship with a man and would attack and destroy her if she tried to get out. She'd say, well, why didn't you do it sooner, right? It's not about the thing. Do you think this guy is concerned about my moral standing with my mother a quarter century ago? He's not. Spoiler, it's not about me. And it's not even about him. It's about something that was inflicted on him, many years ago.

[45:27] Victim Mentality

[45:28] Right? So we grew up being victimized, if we were victimized as children, we grew up being victimized and we are forced to blame the victim so that we don't get too aggressive and assertive and get harmed more, perhaps much more. So blame the victim is how we survive. We take on the role of victimhood, we say it's our fault because we're abused if we're abused and so we have to say it's our fault to appease the abusers, blah, blah, blah, right? So his habit is, in any conflict between victim and abuser, to side with the abuser and criticize the victim, because that's what happened in his childhood between him and his parent growing up. So it's not about me. It's not about him. It's about what was done to him decades ago. And I sympathize with that, and I understand that. I mean, I think we can have a standard of self-knowledge that you need to have some inkling of this stuff by now. So you say, what happens if the other person explains why they are upset, but you do not agree that you did anything wrong and you think they are oversensitive?

[46:32] He's confirming that I'm right. Yeah, I mean, and I sympathize with that, right? But you just got to stop pulling this bullshit on other people, right? And you got to talk honestly. Yeah, your parents were exactly like that. Yeah, there's a problem in our relationship. I am harming you. You've got to take on the role of the victim, which means side with the abusers and attack the victim, which was you. And then when I say I'm being assertive, you have an instinct from your parents to attack the victim and side with the abusers. And I sympathize with that. I really do. But you just got to stop doing that stuff, right?

[46:59] Reproducing the Past

[47:00] Because that's just reproducing your parents' power in your social situation, which quality people are going to not want to be around. And again, I sympathize with that, and I'm glad that you brought it up, and I'm glad that we had an honest conversation about it, and I respect your response, but yeah, it's right. We understand, right?

[47:22] So you do not agree you did anything wrong? And you think they're oversensitive? So, oversensitive is like overthinking. It's a meaningless insult word. It's a meaningless insult word. I would never say to someone I care about, you're overthinking things or you're oversensitive. That is a meaningless insult word. You're overreacting. It's like, who the fuck are you to judge what is the right or wrong degree of reaction.

[48:09] People don't overreact. Right? I mean, if we look at the stimulus behind this guy's comment, which again, I'm very glad that he made, and it was a good conversation about it. But if you look at the stimulus, it was a very big and powerful stimulus. He's not overreacting. I object to him acting out his childhood on me because that's what my mother did she acted out her childhood on me, so I don't like people acting out their childhoods on me and I'm going to call them out on it but not in an abusive or aggressive way right but I'm not going to let that happen, because it's not good for them it just reinforces the power their parents have over them to re-inflict their bad parenting on others, so if if you think someone is oversensitive then you're not accurately processing what they're reacting to like this guy was reacting to his childhood not my comments about my mother, now was it unfair to me sure but his parents were unfair to him and he's just reproducing that.

[49:26] So you don't come to conclusions for hours or days or weeks.

[49:35] So if you say something and the other person gets upset, and you say, well, I didn't do anything wrong and you're being oversensitive, you've just killed the conversation.

[49:48] And it's an argument from power. I didn't do anything wrong, you're being oversensitive. well, they don't feel that way. They feel you did do something wrong and they're not being oversensitive. So how does you just blankly denying things without proof solve anything? It just escalates. The moment you attempt to impose a conclusion in the absence of information, you're just doing a bullshit power play and you're demanding that the person subject themselves to you because escalation and aggression.

[50:17] Denial and Oversensitivity

[50:17] It's a bullying tactic. I didn't do anything wrong. You're just being oversensitive. That's a conclusion without evidence because you don't even know what the real issue is so you just keep asking questions well you did something wrong okay tell me more about that I really want to know right, and let's say you're completely let's say you care about the person let's say you care about the person and and you're completely in the right but you care about the person it doesn't matter that you know you're in the right, It only matters whether he or she figure out that you're in the right. Do you see what I'm saying?

[51:06] It doesn't matter. The important thing is for her to figure out that you're in the right.

[51:19] Somebody says, I was abused and ignored by my mother. I had no problem admitting that to myself, but I had a problem getting her to admit that to me. Well, yeah, I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. Because if you're abused and ignored, you're dehumanized. And then when you try to come in with a different opinion, it provokes the rehumanization possibility, which provokes the conscience, which they react to, right? Saying oversensitive implies you have a way to measure sensitivity accurately and can mark extreme levels yes you're that objective right you know exactly what they're reacting to and you know it's too much even though it's in their distant past and right, oversensitive is an empty term of insult, Now, am I getting comments here? I don't think I am. Let me see if I can refresh here. All right. Oh, somebody's typing.

[52:30] Private Conversations

[52:30] All right, let me see here.

[52:43] Um, interesting. So that's interesting. The last two shows, tips have been very low. Don't forget, of course, that if you want to talk to sort of a new service now, but you want to talk to me privately, you can go to slash call and you can have a call. You can have a call with me that is not published, not published, and we can talk out of the public sphere about whatever you want. Maybe it's a great business idea and you don't want it to go out publicly or something that you want to keep private. You can go to slash call and you can book a private call. All right. I was told I was oversensitive as a child in an environment of abusive parents, peer bullying, et cetera. Yeah, oversensitive is almost always a term of insult, not quite abuse, but insult for sure.

[53:50] Guy says, the guy I was talking to earlier, I was curious whether you related to a situation such as that 35-year-old female who still had her dad in her life, which was hampering her ability that you defined a man to marry and have kids with. I was wrong to have related it to you in the way that I did and attribute to you as something you deserve blame for. What?

[54:15] I was curious whether you related to a situation such as that. I don't understand. I was in my early 30s and still had two dysfunctional parents in my life. Why would I not relate to somebody in their 30s who had a dysfunctional parent? I don't understand. Of course I would relate that. I mean, I don't understand. How could I possibly relate to someone who had over three decades experience of the same thing as me? So you're not curious whether i related to a situation like that he says i'm asking because i also want to figure this out as well because i still currently have my abusive parents in my life as well and i don't want to prolong it since i can control the timeline of how long i am in this fraud as you called it no i called my relationship fraud i'm not calling your relationship fraud because i don't know anything about it i'm asking because i also want to figure this out as well Well, because, so I guess my question is, and this is part of the whole indirection stuff, is that if you say, so what happened was I said, I didn't end a relationship with my mother, I stopped participating in a falsehood and a fraud. And this triggered you, because then you think, oh my gosh, I myself am participating possibly in a counterfeit and a fraud, right? Right?

[55:35] Okay. And triggered doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right? But what I said provoked your conscience. So I said, well, in my 30s, I got out of a counterfeit fraudulent relationship. I stopped lying. Right? And that was about me. Now, what this did was it triggered your conscience with regards to, oh my gosh, I'm doing the same thing. I assume you're in your 30s, and I'm doing the same thing.

[56:06] Right so, what's the most honest thing you can say, What is the most honest thing you can say, if I say I stopped participating in a fraudulent pretend relationship because I stopped lying and you feel, oh my gosh, that could be me. Maybe I'm doing that. I feel bad about that. What's the most honest thing you can say? So glad your channel is growing again. Oh, yes, we'll see. Thank you, Polina.

[57:08] What's the most honest thing you can say? The most honest thing you can say is, Steph, when you talked about your life, I felt really anxious about my own. Right? That's the most honest thing you can say. As opposed to, well, Steph, your moral culpability regarding vis-a-vis your mother in your 30s and blah, blah, blah. What the hell is that? That's an amazing amount of avoidance and misdirection, right? And again, I sympathize with that too. I really do. I sympathize with that too. But you understand. That it's false, right? You understand that it's false?

[57:57] That you're not telling the truth, about your experience. And I understand, you grew up in a situation where you couldn't be direct and you had to avoid being honest and I get all of that. But I mean, but that's the price, right? I mean, if you still have the abuse of people in your life, you will still have, the effects of the abuse in your life, right? If you still have the abusive people in your life, you will still have the effects of abuse in your life. If you still have a giant log half-crushing your leg and the log is not lifted, then you still have the effects on your leg.

[58:43] But you get abstract and kind of weird and kind of insulting, and you can't just be direct and say, oof, that hit me. That hit me hard, man. What you're talking about really hit me hard. And again, I can sympathize with that. I can relate to that. I really can. But that's just direct and honest, right? So the effect of having abusive people in your life is just this kind of bullshit, and it is bullshit. It is bullshit when I say something that makes you feel anxious about your relationship with your father because you feel it's fake or counterfeit. So when I say something that triggers your emotions, the honest thing to say is, this is what I feel. I feel anxious about this, I feel anxious about that, as opposed to getting all kinds of weird and distant and, well, Steph, but your moral responsibility 25 years ago is my most fascinating. It's like, you don't care about my moral responsibility 25 years ago. I promise you, you don't care. It's not about me. You don't care. Why would you care about my moral culpability.

[59:48] From 1999. Come on. Is that really the big issue in your life? And I know I'm not trying to mock you. I'm really not. But this is just people who have perception see this very clearly. People who are wise, people who have self-knowledge, people who've worked on their shit. We see this very clearly. We see this very, very hard. The big moral question is not my own relationship with my own parents. The big moral question is, Steph, what is your percentage of culpability from last century.

[1:00:24] Well, last millennia, really. I understand that. Thank you for the feedback. And listen, I know I'm being lighthearted about this, and I don't mean this in a mocking or a negative way. I really don't. But you have to understand, if you want, just how blindingly obvious this is to other people. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, David. David, you have to understand, right? Just be honest. Just be honest, right? You can't do much in the realm of ethics or virtue or happiness or love without first being honest. And you fell to oof, right? And I get that. It happens from time to time. Felt an oof, right? I still get oof sometimes. I see someone who I started their career and they're out here having big speeches and on TV and it's like, occasionally I get a bit of an oof. And it's like, yeah, but you know, I just didn't want to make any of those compromises. So there's tons of people already making those compromises. You know, one person, it's not going to hurt that much, right? Who doesn't, right? Yeah.

[1:01:39] How about I do feel as I have been there. I had my abusive mother in my life until she left. I feel as if I had made excuses and do feel guilt of not being honest sooner. But I am at peace with her being gone. Peace is good, and it is your insights that brought me here. Thank you. When offended, how much of an obligation do you have to say something? What do you mean by obligation? I mean, if you're in a relationship where you have, if you have a relationship that's based on honesty and directness, then you should be honest and direct, right? If you marry a woman that you're going to tell her the truth, then you owe her the truth. But if it's just some stranger on a bus, you don't have any particular relationship with that person, right? If someone you love needs a kidney and you happen to be a match, probably give him a kidney. But if some stranger on a bus needs a kidney, good luck, right?

[1:02:48] I appreciate that, Steph. I've struggled with this abstract indirectness since my childhood because of how my parents always sided with the abusers and tried to shut up my directness. Yes, and look, I sympathize with that. We have to create these mental fog mazes because directness is threatening to our survival. And we say, oh, well, my parents, they wouldn't have killed me, and it's like, maybe not now. But you ever heard of the Aztecs? Kids who question things often got the stone altar and the heartbeat to the child-tear-drinking god of doom. So, yeah, directness is danger.

[1:03:37] I mean I did this I was in the play King Lear when I was in theater school I played Cornwall, and And there's a line that is just bone-chillingly fantastic, as there are so many bone-chillingly fantastic lines in Shakespeare. And it is the exit line, in many ways. It's right at the end. The weight of this sad time we must obey, speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

[1:04:43] The weight of this sad time we must obey. Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. It's very wise words. You can't know anyone without honesty.

[1:05:13] If you hide from others, you hide from everything.

[1:05:20] Directness and Honesty

[1:05:21] The idea that we hoard ourselves like we're carrying a candle through a storm. We huddle over and we hoard ourselves. And we pass by like a thief, terrified of searchlights. Like we're breaking out of prison and we slither and we take to the sewers and we hide and we misdirect and we laugh when we are sad and we pretend to be sad when we find something funny, and we falsify and camouflage ourself and blend into the prejudices of the unthinking, and we become a ghost long before our death and we become incorporeal and we become vapor paper in the foggy blowing prejudices of other people's stupid preferences.

[1:06:18] If you cannot manifest yourself in words, you're half dead before your time. If you cannot take your mind and make it real in the world, you are already half-drowning in the afterlife. life. To be direct is to summon angels and demons for love and combat. Hey, remember when they said it's really important to have an honest conversation about race? Well, I gave that a good old shot, and it summoned both angels and devils. And out of fear of the devils we give up on the angels out of fear of being hated we give up on our capacity to be loved because we can only love honesty, we can only love honesty if you say fuck i can't speak the truth i'm gonna get killed you're already dead, dead man walking dead man lying it's the same fucking thing.

[1:07:44] To falsify yourself is to pull on a soft coffin for your daily attire. Silence of the self is a eulogy for the life. To hide from the devils is to take refuge from the angel. Hiding from criticism is hiding from love and self-respect. And passion. To self-erase in the face of propaganda, is to falsify yourself into oblivion and to have a funeral half a century too soon.

[1:08:41] I mean, really, what do you want to have? have spoken as your guts are lowered into the ground? What do you want to have spoken? Who do you want to be there? And what do you want to have said? Well, I never really got to know him. He did kind of keep to himself. Seemed like a nice guy, I guess. Never, I never really felt like we connected. He always treated me, I guess, like I was dangerous. Seemed kind of jumpy, nervous, avoidance. Boy, had a lot of solitary hobbies, I'll tell you that, man. Some of which seemed to result in an excess of carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis before his time.

[1:09:35] I do remember occasionally he would say something and I was just like, wow, what a thing to say. Like, you would have some insight or some thought, and it's like, or sometimes the jokes that would come out of the guy, it's like there was this great treasure you could see. You know, like, if you've ever been, like, at a rippling river, and you think you see something gleaming, but the light is dancing on the surface, and there's shadows and reflections, and you just, it's like, that's what, I could see this gold occasionally, just a calcified part, and the sunbeams would light something up, and then it'd be gone. Gone it's actually kind of frustrating to be honest because there's all this great stuff in there that occasionally you'd see this gleam of but you just, every time you went at him directly he'd go sideways every time you'd shake his hand he'd dematerialize a little every time you'd be direct, he would cease to be.

[1:10:33] So I didn't know enough about the guy to either like him or have a problem with him. I actually would have much preferred to have a problem with him than to just have him around. I mean, you knew he was there because there'd be food gone from the fridge from time to time. You knew he was there because sometimes you'd hear the shower running. You knew he was there because electricity consumption went up when he was home.

[1:11:10] But he was like there, not there. I mean, I wish him luck in the afterlife, but I think he kind of lived that way, like he was already a ghost. And the one thing I got from this person the one thing I really got from this person is not to live like that holy crap, like that level of fear and self erasure and the feeling that everyone is about to boom punch you in the face, everyone is about to boom betray you lie about you fuck you over steal from you, Like the schoolyard bullies become permanent chained attachments to the personality.

[1:12:04] I would rather have hated him than have him not be there to that extent. Now I remember sitting once with him and he threw his head back to laugh at something and he's got these blue eyes and it was a blue sky and I had this real weird thing like his eyes were holes that the sky came through. Like two javelins of abuse had passed through his eyes taken out his brain and there were just these scarred holes there was nothing in there like I could see the sky through his eyes because there was nothing in his head, like a joke bowling ball you pick it up and it's empty.

[1:12:55] And I don't know why I genuinely don't know why the world scared him so much, I don't know why he hid so much I mean, I assume it was to do with his childhood. I asked him a couple of times, but he just made a joke or two and slithered away and, I don't know, did something on his phone. Some meme shit. I don't know what he was doing, but it was kind of frustrating. You know, I want people to be there or not be there, but to be kind of there is just like being a damn cloud on everyone else, you know? Because you either spread being there or you spread not being there. And he just kind of, this damn, it wasn't like he just smothered the fire and put it out. He just kind of misted on it and it just kind of sputtered. You know? You know, and I remember every now and then he'd express dissatisfaction with his life, right? And I understand that I would be dissatisfied with that, too. But every now and then, he would express dissatisfaction with his life. And you know what he'd say to me? He'd say, Jake, man, and I think this happened only once or twice, but it was really vivid. He's like, Jake, man, do you know any nice girls?

[1:14:22] And it broke my heart, man. It really did. It just broke my heart. Because I never knew what to say to the guy. What am I supposed to say? I know some nice girls. But they're not into corpses. They're not going to try and bring a Ouija board and contact the ghost that you are. They're not necromancers. They're not interested in communing with the absent. They're not interested in speaking into your ear and hearing faint echoes and cobwebs.

[1:15:18] Because I always felt like he'd be too startled, or, you know, half of this regret is me, maybe I should have tried, maybe I should have given him a chance, or, I don't know, introduced someone. I introduced him to someone, but I don't know women who would put up with that or be interested in that. And I always felt like it would be like a real burden on the girl.

[1:16:06] And I mean, I don't really think about, and I don't want to make this about me. Like I'm just here giving a speech, but I don't really think about the meaning of my life. But I look at this guy, and I'm like, we lived for 77 years, afraid, avoidant, abstract, distant, like a core, you know, like a wall. But you couldn't see. couldn't get around couldn't pierce always distant always avoidant always about to dart or in the process of dodging.

[1:17:00] And now that he's dead and I'm giving his eulogy, and again I don't want to make it about me, but I will say this. I wish I'd known what had happened. You know, when people around you are like a puzzle you can't pick, a lock you can't open, a maze you can't navigate, they're somewhere on the other side. There's someone on the other side of that maze, or somewhere on the other side of that fog, or someone on the other side of that impediment. And you want to allure them, you know, it felt a little bit like, I felt like I had to be like super careful around the guy, not startle him. It was like feeding a squirrel or something like that. He was just jumpy and avoidant. And I...

[1:18:02] You know, I feel sadness and I also feel despair about all of this because, yeah, I know what happened. I know what happened. What happened was I avoided it because I thought he would just get better. And also because he was so jumpy, I didn't want to startle him by asking questions about his childhood or his life. I didn't want to do any of that because I just thought, oh my God, this guy's so jumpy already. If I start poking around, it's going to be like raw. You know, like somebody's got a really bad bruise, you don't push it. And I guess you don't pick at a scab. It's going to heal over, it's going to be fine.

[1:18:53] So then, why didn't I do it when he wasn't getting better? Why didn't I say anything when he wasn't getting better? Why? Well, I'll tell you why, and this is the lesson to be learned, I suppose.

[1:19:06] Regrets and Missed Opportunities

[1:19:07] Sorry. The lesson to be learned is, just ask people. Because I'll tell you what happened for me. What happened for me was that I avoided it for years because I didn't want to hurt him, and he was so startled already. And frankly, it was occasionally just kind of annoying. I didn't like being treated like I was some kind of dangerous person, and he always had to avoid, manage, manipulate. And then what happened was, by the time he got into his 30s, yeah, I'm thinking back, because a long time ago, it was like over 40 years ago.

[1:20:02] What happened was, it went from being never the right time to too late like that. Do you know what I mean? It's like, I remember when I was in my teens, there was this girl, I still remember her name, Shelley. Ellie, there was this girl, I just, I, I, she was just the right girl for me. But it was never the right time to ask her. And then she got a boyfriend. And she kept that boyfriend. So it went from never the right time to too late overnight.

[1:20:43] And it was the same thing when he got into his 30s. It went from it's never the right time to ask him why he's so nervous to now it's too late to ask why he's nervous. And of course, I should have just asked earlier. I mean, I'm not a psychologist. I don't know what I could have done. I could have asked. And, you know, I'm not trying to excuse myself because, again, I don't want to make this about me, but I did ask. Tread around the edges of this, whatever it was. I asked him a couple of questions here and there, or you seem kind of nervous. It's like, oh, no, I'm just, you know, I've had too much coffee. Like, he's just, God, drive me crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, the sadness. But, I mean, the sadness is this frustration and this anger that he just frittered away this great gift of life on useless fears and pointless avoidance. Avoidance of what? There's no predators, no lions, no asteroids, no war. He just frittered it away. And i can't take ownership for that look i wish i had talked to him more i wish i had said more i wish i had done more but it was still on him and then after a certain amount of time like when people have made enough mistakes like okay what was i supposed to say when i was in his 40s hey man i've known you you've been around the family for like 20 years more.

[1:22:10] Unpacking the Past

[1:22:11] Um, now that it's too late for you to have a family and you've never really had a girlfriend, hey, let's start unpacking your shit.

[1:22:23] What was the point of unpacking anything? Because he never wanted to stay anywhere. Then he just frittered and ghosted and consumed and avoided and, oh, God. And over the years, the small talk got fucking, sorry, it's a funeral, my apologies. Over the years, the small talk got microscopic. And then it was like this weird passive-aggressive thing where he just got aggressively... Intrusively, annoyingly, nothing-burgered. Oh, yes, his stamp collecting and his model train set. Please, let's talk more about that. It was basically like a, F you, you didn't save me, I'm now going to bore you into oblivion, into the kind of oblivion that I am.

[1:23:20] And his parents are long gone, and we can't get answers from them, and his answers are food for worms.

[1:23:57] I didn't tell anyone this, and it is like I think there's a little red balloon coming out of the grave right like live.

[1:24:18] You know, when I was in the hallway with the doctor, and it turns out, I think Gladys had left, she'd taken, you know, those little slippers she used to wear at the hospital because her feet hurt and she'd propped the door open a little bit. And I was talking to the doctor. And the doctor said, he's not going to make it through the night. You remember? It was that terrible wasting disease. Disease like his whole life was a wasting disease i'm again i'm sorry i'm just the one thing i've learned is to be direct from this guy not ever being direct anyway the doctor says he's not going to make it through the night and he said and it was a whisper it wasn't designed for consumption he didn't know the door was propped open i guess he heard the doctor doctor says you're not going to make it through the night. And he said, good. Good.

[1:25:28] The tortuous avoidance play is over.

[1:25:32] Freedom from Lies

[1:25:33] That death means not having to lie anymore. Lie in the bed and lie about everything. To not have to talk about regrets, to not have to talk about all the missed opportunities and the missed relationships and the missed family and the missed career and the missed challenge and the missed danger and the missed adventure. Good. I die, so I don't have to lie anymore.

[1:26:09] I can't take, this is what I got from him in the hospital. I can't take another day of smiling while I'm crying. I can't take another day of avoiding life. At least when I'm dead. The exhausting business of avoiding people. Will die with me, and thank God it does. I can't imagine what it's like to live a life in a cage surrounded by predators. Because that's what it seemed like. You're jumpy all the time, avoidant all the time, absent all the time. I'm free of fear, because life is terrifying.

[1:27:14] It's like that line from the sam cook song i've it's been too hard living but i'm afraid to die well he was no longer afraid to die i mean i know he welcomed it he welcomed it and i thought maybe there'd be some you know when he was dying there'd be some crack some nothing nothing nothing. There wasn't a person in there anymore who could tell the truth at all. And therefore, when you can't tell the truth, life is just an endless interrogation of falsification. It's exhausting. It's through the truth that we connect, and through our connections, we recharge. He was never loved. He was never hated. He could be a little funny. Mildly annoying.

[1:28:13] And he was frightened of people, so they, we, we, me, avoided him. He was an energy drain. Until he wasn't. And I just know, if there's a hell for this guy, it's limbo. If there's a hell for this guy, it's limbo. It's nothing. It's vague. It's absent. It's boring. Empty feeling. Nothingness. And if there's a hell for him, it's going to be an eternity of how he lived or failed to live. And, he's beyond salvation, but we can learn from his disgrace to life. Just a possible what are people going to say? What are people going to say? I don't know. What do you want them to say? If you can't, if you can't live with people coming to your funeral and saying, I fucking hated that guy, you can't live.

[1:29:36] When I die, there will be cheers and tears. Do you follow? When I die, there will be people dancing in the streets and people weeping on the edge of their beds. People I've never met. You understand, they're the same thing. They're exactly the same thing.

[1:30:03] Tolerating Hatred

[1:30:03] If you can't tolerate being hated, you will never be loved. And I'm not talking about the future when the world is a better place, but right now.

[1:30:24] If you cannot tolerate it being despised, you cannot be prized.

[1:30:36] I want a life where people sneak in at night to piss on my grave. Good, good, good. Good. I'm glad to be hated because that is the furnace you need to pass through in order to be loved. Hatred is a guide on the road to love. If you want to be loved by good people, you're going to have to accept being hated by bad people. And if you turn down the wick of your life to the point where evil people can't see you, then good people can't even find you. Blaze back so that you're visible from space. And then you can be found. I mean, I hope I've lived a reasonable example of tolerating hatred for the sake of virtue.

[1:31:57] If you're too frightened to be hated, you're too fearful to be loved. Then you're already saying, virtue has lost and all we have is bare, pointless survival.

[1:32:21] All right, any other last questions or comments? Love me or hate me, just don't ignore me, says someone. I don't feel that. I don't want people to just pay attention to me. I mean, other than being a good glazier who creates a great window so people can see the view of philosophy. I don't want people to look at the glass. I want people to look at the view beyond the glass. I don't want people to care about me. I want people to care about philosophy. Because that's the purpose of a philosopher, is to introduce people to philosophy.

[1:32:58] Focus on Philosophy

[1:32:59] And if I distract people from philosophy by having them focus on me, then I'm like a glassmaker who wants people to look at the glass, not the view.

[1:33:21] All right. Yes, I mean, I assume it's somewhat interesting for you to see my fiction creative brain on display, as well as my logical rational brain from time to time as well. slash donate if you would like to help out the show. Last two shows have been low donation, not particular concern, but it would be helpful if you're listening to this later and you find it important and powerful what it is that I'm doing. And come on, be fair, right? You know that this is the most amazing content around. It is. Be honest, be frank. It's the most amazing and inspiring content around and that's partly me and partly you, the audience. slash donate. You can join the community of or forward slash freedomain.

[1:34:26] And I'll be releasing the shortened version of the Peaceful Parenting book in sections for donors. So I hope you will check that out. And I'll probably do the audio book as well. But it's a bit of a brutal slog. I'm done with the text, but I have to make sure that it's accurate to what came. That was great, Steph. A good Father's Day speech. I'm not sure who you were talking about. It was just fiction, but I believe the individual is sadly in us all from time to time, thanks to the reminder to live life and be free. It is the most amazing content around, which is why this is the only place I'm a paid subscriber at. Oh, thank you. Steph, as I spoke to you on Skype Friday night, this is such an incredible show. This discussion is another fine example of the tremendous value and insight that you offer to us. I will listen to this again and contemplate further. Thank you again for the incredible work. I did donate Friday. Thank you. You're inspiring to me. You help me to be a better person. Great speech. That was fire. Thank you, Steph. Well, I appreciate that. And it's nice to to bring out the old creative brain from time to time. So, all right, have yourselves a wonderful Father's Day. Lots of love from up here, my friends. I will talk to you soon. Bye.

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