0:00 - Spicy Donut Introduction
1:02 - Parenting Challenges
3:25 - Chilling Perspectives
5:49 - Four Friends and Their Lives
7:39 - Boundaries and Self-Protection
13:29 - Recognizing Predators
18:02 - Estranged Family Dynamics
21:45 - Music Industry Realities
23:28 - Solitude vs. Connection
26:00 - Defining Lying and Deception
29:42 - Reflections on Relationships
30:12 - The Cost of Solitude
32:15 - Organized Sports and Parenting
37:26 - Closing Thoughts and Memories
In this episode, I delve into some thought-provoking topics surrounding parenting, societal issues, and the complexities of personal relationships. We kick off by discussing the challenges of parenting young adults, specifically the emotional struggles parents face as their children transition into the ages of 18 to 22. The shift from managing a child's environment to witnessing their growth and trials can be difficult to navigate, and we share sentiments from various listeners on how this phase is often laden with anxiety and helplessness.
There’s an intriguing contrast presented between the physical demands of raising young children versus the emotional toll of raising teenagers. One listener poignantly notes that while the early years might be physically exhausting, the adult experiences faced by older children can weigh heavily on a parent’s heart. The conversation flows to the dangers that children face as they engage with the world, with a reminder that parents’ worries often magnify in these formative years.
Next, I briefly address the decentralization of power through Satoshi Nakamoto's creation of Bitcoin. This discussion leads us towards a critical examination of authority, both within the framework of cryptocurrency and in broader societal contexts. We pivot into a particularly chilling video that reflects on the darker forces at play in the world, specifically how these forces target the vulnerable, such as children.
The episode transitions to a piece titled “Four Friends Catch Up Over Pasta,” which captures nostalgic moments of friendship and the mundane yet profound dynamics that characterize our connections. We contemplate the role of parents in shaping their children's self-image and the potential dangers of praise without substance. This segues into the importance of teaching children the value of their worth amidst a world that may not always reflect their merits.
Furthermore, we delve into strategies for protecting oneself from toxic individuals such as narcissists or psychopaths. Drawing from research by Karen Mitchell, I share actionable advice on recognizing red flags and setting firm boundaries to safeguard one’s emotional well-being. I advocate for the practice of saying "no" without feeling the need to justify it, emphasizing that a boundary should not be open for negotiation.
As the episode progresses, we explore the challenges of reconnecting with estranged family members and the intricate feelings that come with biological connections devoid of history or emotional depth. I reflect on my personal experiences, sharing that familial ties do not necessarily equate to meaningful relationships and can often lead to confusion and emotional turmoil.
We wrap up with a lively discussion on modern parenting practices and the pitfalls of structured activities for children. Many parents express frustration over the loss of unstructured play, which is essential for developing social skills and creativity. The conversation highlights the unintended consequences of over-scheduling and the need for creating space for free play and genuine interactions among children.
As we conclude the episode, I encourage listeners to share their thoughts, experiences, and questions, fostering an open dialogue around these significant facets of life. The episode not only seeks to provide insights and understanding but to remind listeners of the inherent beauty and challenge of human connection, be it through parenting, friendships, or family ties.
[0:00] All right, so here we are on the spicy donut part. 29th September, 2024, we're in the spicy donut part. Support always welcome, of course, but I can put that to one side for now. And we can go to what you got. What you got. And let me see if I can start off with something or the other. I am going to go and see Megalopolis. Oh, my gosh. Somebody wrote this. I thought it was interesting. I really feel that parenting is harder, says this person. I really feel that parenting is harder when your kids are 18 to 22 than when they're 0 to 4. The adult emotions and disappointing experiences that come into their lives that you have zero control over are honestly terrible to witness from a parent's perspective. Tell me it gets easier. Huh. Yeah, it's tough, man.
[1:02] Somebody says uh thank you for saying this the physical tall of zero to four is unmatched and brutal but the emotional tall of 16 plus is heavy sometimes and so difficult to articulate, my mom always says when you can cover your kids with a baby blanket your worries are still small turns out she's right yeah of course you know your kids go out into the world and unfortunately have to meet people in the world, and uh that that is tough all right so satoshi nakamoto evidence that absolute power does not corrupt absolutely i don't see how that's satoshi nakamoto did not have power he decentralized, bitcoin or the whole purpose of bitcoin is to be decentralized so i'm not sure how, how Satoshi Nakamoto, and obviously I'm happy to hear the case elsewise, but I'm not sure how Satoshi Nakamoto is accumulating or had accumulated any kind of absolute power. So maybe I'm missing something, but to me, if you create something to be decentralized, then it is tough. It is tough to make the case that absolute power has accumulated to some individual.
[2:23] So, yeah, it can be tough with parenting when you sort of are more in control of your kid's environment when they're young. You can manage things a lot when they start going out into the world, then they have to navigate the pluses and minuses of people in the world. And there are a lot of minuses of people in the world. There are a lot of minuses of people in the world. I saw this video. Let me see here. Can I share it? I think I can share it. I saw this video, really, really chilling. You can take a moment to watch that if you like. This video is really chilling, talking about how Satan can't kill God, so he kills babies instead. He tempts people to kill their babies, because that is what hurts God the most. So I just thought it was really quite chilling, the way that he put that. Just wild.
[3:26] All right.
[3:46] And this is Four Friends Catch Up Over Pasta by Amy Kay. I don't know if it's a poem or a little piece of literature. And Four Friends Catch Up Over Pasta. I'm doing better. They need to run more tests. We're moving in together. I'm never dating again. How's your dad? How's your heart? How are you dealing with the state of the world? I love your new hair color. I'm on new meds. Remember how young we used to be? Let's build a commune. We can have sheep and goats. Yes, and dancing. I missed you. It's been too long. This is delicious. The sauce, the salad, this night, all of it. Eee! How to talk about nothing and pretend you're having a relationship. And that's that sentimentality, right? Piano, people looking at pictures of their younger selves. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
[4:44] I wonder how much of it is caused by parents telling their kids they are fantastic at everything to make them happy. Then it will be a mess when the kids find out that's not true. Well, I mean, I've always tried to tell my daughter that I care about her, I love her, but other people, she's got to prove her value, right? And don't mistake your parents' devotion for the world's interest. That's a sure path to some fairly significant misery, for sure.
[5:20] So, transitory benevolent dictator? Yeah, I mean, I'm not really going to make that case. I'm not really going to make that case. Because the solution is peaceful parenting. So, transitory benevolent dictators? It doesn't work. It doesn't work. But yeah, this bit about Satan wanting to kill babies because he can't kill God.
[5:49] That's pretty powerful stuff, man. And the emotions of the guy delivering that speech was really quite something.
[6:02] Yeah Maggie Smith dying was quite quite sad I mean she had some fascinating bug eyes and was a very sort of ferocious and passionate actor, I would also recommend, look for Dr. Karen Mitchell, PhD. She doesn't know me, of course, but it's Karen Mitchell, two underbars, I think. She's really, really good at this kind of stuff. So one of the things she wrote that I thought was well worth sharing, how do I avoid being targeted by a narcissist slash psychopath or predator? Tough question, because predators do target very specific types, she says. If you are kind, well-meaning, honest, and have some kind of vulnerability, you are much more likely to get targeted. A few protective recommendations include, if you have a low sense of self-worth, invest in support with increasing it. Predators smell it. Two, maybe a bit late for me, do not overshare about yourself. This is recognized by predators as a sign of niceness, which means greater susceptibility to manipulation and control. Yeah, everything that you talk about, particularly online, is a way that people can find your strengths and weaknesses. And, of course, friends will support your weaknesses and encourage your strengths and enemies will try to exploit your weaknesses and undermine your strengths.
[7:27] Three, practice saying no. Predators test in the early days to see if boundaries can be pushed. If you have practiced at declining as well as accepting proposals, suggestions, ideas, offers, requests for help, you are not such an obvious target.
[7:39] Yeah, I was talking to someone the other day about how boundaries are not negotiable, right? So the example I was giving was, if you don't want to work for someone, but you make up some excuse, right? And you say, oh, the commute is too long. And then they say, well, no, we have an office that's closer to you, or we're going to open an office that's closer to you, so that will be solved. You say, eh, it's still too long, still too far away. And they say, well, no, no, but you can work from home, right? So if you have something out there that seems like a negotiation, that's not a boundary. That's not a boundary. A boundary is, I don't want to, and I'm not going to explain it.
[8:27] If you say to a woman, well, I don't want to date you because you're in debt. And she says, no, no, no, I'm about to inherit some money. The debt's going to be paid off. Right if you say i don't want to that's fine and that's a boundary but if you say i don't want to because that is perceived by as a negotiation and then you get into these tangled undergrowth navigation situations where people are thinking that you have an objection, and they will overcome work to overcome that objection and then it's very hard to establish boundaries.
[9:03] There's nothing wrong with, like, you know, I don't want to, right? So let's say you go on a date or two, you don't find it doesn't click, or there's some warning signs, and you say, I'm sorry, I don't want another date. Well, why not?
[9:17] So the why not is an attempt to overthrow your experience and overthrow your emotions and overthrow your self-ownership by putting you in a situation of negotiation, right? So if you go and buy a car, let's say the car is some used car, $10,000, it's a good used car, but you only have $9,000. You say, well, I can't afford it because it's too expensive. But you really want the car, and you're happy to spend the $9,000. So if the seller says, okay, I'll sell it to you for $9,000, you're like, great, I'm in, car bought, car used, good stuff, right? So that's a negotiation because you want the car. Now, if you don't want the car, but you say, well, the reason I don't want, you don't lie for whatever you don't want the car. And then you lie and you say, well, it's just too expensive. Then they'll reduce the price, right? And to the point where it just becomes kind of ridiculous, right? And we've all had these kinds of situations in life. I think, I know I have, where I've tried to be overly diplomatic and said, well, I don't want things for X, Y, and Z reason. And then people try to resolve X, Y, or Z reason. And I still don't want it. And at some point they say, They say, oh, this is all just kind of pointless. You just don't want it, right? I should have said that from the beginning, right? So you don't owe anybody any reasons for your decisions, right? Just so you know that.
[10:39] I just don't want it. I know I don't feel like it. I don't want to. Do you want to go out tonight or do you want to stay in? I want to stay in. Well, why? Well, I'm tired. Well, have a coffee. We'll go someplace that's energetic. I promise, right? The moment you start giving reasons for what you're doing, you open up negotiations with people who are attempting to overthrow your preferences. Now, again, if you are in a place where your preferences can be accommodated, that's great. But a lot of times, particularly, I mean, obviously it's different with sort of friends and family, but particularly with people in the world as a whole, you don't owe anybody any explanations for your preferences. And a boundary is, this is not open to negotiation, right? Yeah, no is a complete sentence. Yeah, it's a complete sentence.
[11:40] So, that's, I think, you can just say no. Well, why? No, just no. But you've got to have a reason. I don't have a reason, or I don't want to share a reason. It doesn't matter, just no. It's just a broken record. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, right? Because then what people say is, if you start giving reasons, then you are opening a negotiation, And then if you don't pursue that negotiation, suddenly you're in the wrong for either lying that you were open to negotiating or just being unreasonable. Hey, like I'm satisfying all of your demands and you still don't want to do it. Like, what's the matter? What's the matter with you? Like, you raised objections. I've overcome those objections. Anyway, so.
[12:25] So it says, and four, this is how do I avoid being targeted by a narcissist or psychopath? She says, know the red flags, know the attributes, know the tactics. There are many, many subtle signs that are predator giveaways. I include them in my posts. They are also in my PhD. The book will be out soon. Make sure you are totally conversing with them when you see a few, start researching. Do research, number five. So important. If you have concerns about someone, ask around about them. Search the internet, research their businesses, see who they are connected with. Eventually, the data paints a picture. Yeah, I remember when I was going to get a job when I was younger, and I had some concerns about the manager, just some odd things that he said over the course of interviewing me a couple of times. And so I waited in the parking lot and I talked to the workers who were coming out and said, how do you find it working here? Because then you have to get them when they're out of the office because they don't want to be overheard, right? And just find out the facts, right? And I didn't take the job because it was not healthy. Posture walking gait should be confident. One study showed that predators could identify an easy target from gait.
[13:30] Yeah, the people who walk, you know, kind of hunched shoulders staring at me, I mean, they're just saying, I'm a victim, I'm a victim, I'm prey, I'm prey, I'm prey.
[13:44] He says, do not openly discuss that you are estranged from, geographically distant from, or have no family. Predators target those who are isolated or can be isolated. Yeah. Yeah, so somebody says, that's why I always tell people to never go around saying, I have no friends or not a lot of family. I don't care if you have to lie and say you've got a six-foot weightlifting brother, a police officer husband. You never reveal your personal businesses or vulnerabilities to anybody. Body and that is um i mean i i'm not a big fan of the lying stuff but uh again i mean we we live in a world that she she says and i'm obviously going to paraphrase and and maybe i'm wrong about this but i think she says 10 to 20 percent of people are toxic and dangerous in this kind of way.
[14:35] Uh she says um my data indicates that predators target people with particular attributes and with a vulnerability they may be rich or poor intelligent or not intelligent accomplished or not so accomplished universally though they target people with a certain characteristic and vulnerability so one of the ways i think that that, can I, let's see, I'm just wondering if I can get back to, I like it, oh yeah, to there. So, if you have an unrealized ambition, like you think you're great, but you haven't done much to try to achieve it, that is a big, big target for dangerous people, because, and this is sort of of the Diddy stuff, this is the Weinstein stuff, and so on, right? So if you have a big ambition, then you should work to try and achieve that ambition yourself. Because if you have a big ambition that you don't act on.
[15:42] Then what happens is someone's going to dangle facilitating your ambition and you're going to snap at it because you want the easy route, right? You want the short route. Like I remember it was this story of mc hammer please hammer don't hurt him mc hammer was you know created his album printed it himself and just drove around all over the place to try and get djs to play his song in clubs and you know just sort of built it up that way just hard work the band queen practiced together for like a year or two before they they toured and kept writing their own songs and they still got preyed upon you know death on two legs dedicated to dot dot dot uh they still got preyed upon i mean i mean the number of musicians who get preyed upon by unscrupulous people in the music industry i mean listen to what alanis morissette says about her teen years it's appalling uh sting had his accountant steal from him billy joel and elton john all had millions stolen from them it's it's horrendous right but if you have an unrealized ambition you need to work hard on.
[16:45] Trying to achieve it like you you've hey i've always wanted to sing then go to karaoke see if people like what you do and then start building it from there you know go to a coffee shop with an open mic learn an instrument you know i've always wanted to write music sit down and write the music it's an incredibly easy to get music out these days right oh and by the by i did a video many years ago on justin bieber showing because people were complaining about justin bieber and his bad behavior and i put a video out many years ago about justin bieber showing sympathy for his crazy life and it turns out that it may have been a lot crazier and nastier than even people would have thought of so i just wanted to point out a tiny little self congratulatory note there as well, so yeah don't have unrealized ambitions because then people will promise to.
[17:31] They'll promise to give you your heart's desire don't have a heart's desire that you're not acting on, otherwise people will promise to fulfill your highest desire at monstrous expense to your soul. So you have to work on your own thing.
[17:53] Yeah, don't talk about loneliness in public. That's a sure mark to people who are going to prey upon you. All right, let's get to your questions.
[18:03] My wife has never met her biological father. She reached out to him online finally, and he's been aloof. However, my wife has made contact with her half-sister she's never met and are currently in a dialogue. Hopefully they can form a connection, but also a little weary. Any thoughts on people meeting their disconnected blood family?
[18:20] Yeah, biological dad to me is a contradiction in terms. So to be a parent is not a noun, it's a verb. It is to parent. It is to parent.
[18:35] If I have a book on learning piano that I've never opened, have I learned piano? Nope. I've never done the actual work. I haven't learned anything. I've learned that I'm too lazy to learn piano, maybe. So the problem with reaching out to blood relatives i mean i of course my father left when i was a baby and the problem is that you end up with this completely lopsided bizarre relationship where i don't know my father but he's my father you know all of that sort of power of fatherhood and and your paternal line and blah blah blah blah but you don't know the guy so you you have the relative indifference of a stranger you might have something in common with biologically, with no actual history with the person.
[19:21] I really don't call anyone a father who doesn't parent. I mean, they're a sperm donor, they're an absent whatever, they're a non-father, they're biologically related in some way, but the problem is we're obviously designed to be raised by our parents, and so if a parent has not been around, and my father was like in Africa, ago, right? So if a parent has not been around, then they're not parenting, right? Remember, I got in trouble in boarding school because I wrote to my father, dear Tom, right? And they were like, no, no, no, you have to say dear dad. I'm like, but he's not my dad. And my mother referred to my father as her ex-husband and I referred to him as my ex-father because he was gone. People said, no, he's still your father. I'm like, no, no, I don't think so. No, because he's not parenting me.
[20:08] So, I think, in general, I've talked to a number of people who've been back in touch with estranged or long-gone parents. It never goes well. It doesn't mean it can't, right? I'm just saying 100% of the people that I've ever talked to, and of course I've talked to quite a few over the years, it just doesn't go well. Because you just end up with this bizarre relationship where you're both incredibly close, quote close, because of the power of the word parent, father, mother, or whatever, right? But you have no particular experience with each other. So there's this pseudo intimacy based upon the language that is not borne out based upon your empirical experience with the people. So I don't know. I just think it's too weird.
[20:50] I remember a show you demonstrated boundaries. I don't remember the name of the person you kicked out. He was making inappropriate comments. Oh yeah, I think that's when somebody was accusing one of my employers of inappropriate behavior. Boom, boom, boom, ba-dum, ba-dum, boom. Stef, as a writer, what do you think of the books of Robert Greene? Mastery, 48 Laws of Power, Seduction, etc. I don't know them at all. The problem I have with the self-help books is they have to be written for a grade 6 mindset, so they tend to be, I prefer things like Jung. In my opinion, the salt circle is a boundary demons pretend to respect until it serves them not to. Oh, that's interesting, yeah, yeah. Oh, ooh, ooh, have you talked about The Truth of Diddy and I missed it? I did talk about it a couple of shows ago. Yes, premium search, premium.freedomain.com slash search slash Diddy. New documentary about boy bands just came out too.
[21:45] Yes, how to bring all of your victims in one place and have them synchronize, dance themselves into trauma.
[22:01] Uh, you pointed out all the work that goes into being a musician and how we should have sympathy for Bieber. Yeah. No, he made us suffer listening to him. No. Uh, Bieber, uh, Justin Bieber is a, an amazing singer, an amazing performer. I mean, I know he plays piano. I don't know if he plays anything else, maybe some guitar. Uh, no, he's an amazing singer. I mean, he, he, singing is really hard. Uh, singing is really hard. If you have, I mean, having a great voice, which he has, it's lovely, lovely tenor, very creamy, delicate tenor. And singing is really hard especially when you have to do it repetitively because you have to really connect with the music you have to connect with the audience you have to be into it yourself while still connecting with the audience as a whole freddie mercury was an absolute champion at that really there's nobody been any better at connecting with the music and the audience, and this is one of the reasons why live aid was so powerful live aid was one of the first times that queen could actually see the audience right because queen almost always played at night right So when you play at night, you've got these bright lights and you can't see the audience. So this is one of the few times they played in the day, you could actually see the audience. So Justin Bieber is really an amazing singer and a very honest person.
[23:21] His show is $25.99. Sorry, $25.99, $25.99.
[23:29] So yeah saying uh bieber so much suffering listening to him it's like okay his music may not be to your taste but he's not painful to listen to, uh hey Stef can lasting contentment be found in solitude detached from the routines and connections of daily life sometimes i believe it can but the fear of ending up alone makes me wonder whether such a way of living comes at too high a cost if that's even truly possible, No, I don't think lasting contentment can be found in solitude at all. I think that people who have been horribly abused and exploited by others might find some relief in solitude. I understand that.
[24:12] This is a line from an old song by Sting. We go crazy in congregations. We only get better one by one. That's not true at all. I mean, certainly there is madness in crowds and all of that, but we can't be sane on our own, fundamentally, because we have evolved so like we have eyes in the front of our head, not the back, because people are supposed to guard our back in war or in a situation of predation and so on, right? So we are social animals and our thinking is collective. I mean, you're here, right? Because our thinking is collective and I get wiser by talking to you. Hopefully you get wiser by interacting with me. And so we get better. We get wiser. Everybody alone goes crazy over time because you just don't have that objective feedback. You don't have that outside eye. You don't have the people who care about you. And in the long run, it's kind of tough to care about yourself more than the people around you care for you, right? Which is why it's good to not have people around you who don't care about you. You can't really care about yourself more than the people around you care for you. So having people around you who care for you is a great way to have self-esteem.
[25:18] So no, I would not. I think you can find some relief in the short run if you've been heavily preyed upon by being alone, But the goal is to find people who will support you. And, you know, people who are alone, we're not designed for solitude because not just our thinking and our senses, but our protection, our self-protection is collective as well. Like the only reason we're able to sleep as long as we do is because people guard us at night from predators, right? So even our sense of protection and security, it's really tough to let go of the fight or flight mechanism if you're solitary. So I think you just need people in your life to be sane and healthy and happy.
[26:01] What exactly do you mean by lying? Is deception and lying the same? I understand lying as stating a falsehood with the intention to deceive. What exactly do you mean when you say you're lying by doing X? Yeah, so the word exactly is a red flag here. You know, it's like the people who say, tell me how X directly affects you personally, right?
[26:27] So, I don't know what you mean. When somebody's saying, what exactly do you mean by lying? Exactly is a red flag, and I'm not saying that you have ill intent, but exactly is a red flag where I come up with any general principle, you're going to find some specific example and then claim to be unsatisfied.
[26:45] Now, if somebody said to me, what is your definition of lying? What is your definition of falsehood? Okay, that's fine. So when I say you're lying by doing X, I don't know what X refers to here. You need to give me a specific example, because if you're going to ask me what my principle is, you need to provide me a specific example, right? Not an exact example, but you need to say, I don't know, you're lying by doing X. X is doing some really heavy lifting there. So when people say, well, what exactly do you mean by morality?
[27:14] Well, morality is tricky, and there are edge cases in morality. So I don't know what you're asking here. What exactly do you mean by lying? Well, lying is complicated. Lying has hazy edges, so it is not a state of exactment, right? I mean, there are white lies that are done with good intent, there's outright fraud and deception, there's lying by commission, there's lying by omission, and so on, right? And so, what exactly do you mean by this giant category of complicated things? If you don't understand that lying is a gigantic category of complicated things, I mean, with some obvious cases where it's immoral, some cases where you could understand it might be good. So, the exact part is not something I want to engage in. We can explore it together if you like, but the exact part is not good. Stef, why did you not marry an early 20s virgin? I don't understand that. That's a bit of a jerky question, isn't it? Why did you not marry an early 20s virgin?
[28:26] I don't understand the question. I met my wife. I fell in love with my wife. I married my wife. I'm not sure what question this is, but it seems nasty. It just seems nasty. Somebody says, I tracked my father down when I was 28. It was weird and still is because I already learned everything he was supposed to teach me. He has told me sometimes that I'm like his father because I'm so wise. It's a bit sad. Why do you have a relationship in your life that's weird? I don't understand that. Like, all I know about my father is that he didn't want to spend time with me enough to spend time with me. I mean, that's really all I can say. Well, but I this and that. Okay, all the reasons in the world, I get that for sure. But my father left me with a violent, deranged woman. He knew she was violent and deranged. He did not try and find a way to secure me to safety to get me to aunts or uncles who weren't abusive. So my father abandoned me because he couldn't stand my mother. And somehow I, as a baby, was supposed to be able to handle my mother.
[29:39] So that's all I know about my father. I mean, empirically, right?
[29:42] So, why would I want a close relationship with someone who gave children to a violent, deranged woman, and then left those children with a violent, deranged woman? When you read that question out about marrying a 20-year-old virgin, I felt intense repulsion. Yeah, it's a gross question. That's not a good faith question.
[30:12] All right. Zim says, Solitude for me always starts out as contemplative slash healing and quickly becomes a self-imposed torture chamber. Yeah, yeah.
[30:26] Yeah, it's a gross question, for sure. I mean, I can understand, like, why when I was 20 did I not marry a 20-year-old virgin, but when I was 20, I was, you know, still in the beginning process of recovering from an intensely abusive childhood, so how am I going to have a great relationship with a great woman when I'm still raw from an intensely abusive childhood? So, um, I don't, I mean, if, if someone has their legs beaten black and blue, it takes a while to recover, right? So saying to somebody, you know, just last week they had their legs beaten black and blue and saying, well, why aren't you participating in the marathon? On so i yeah i don't i had to wait to get healed and that took like took like 20 years right, maybe 15 to 17 years now i had to cut a lot of that brush myself i hopefully i made a path for others so it's easier but yeah.
[31:47] Uh, somebody says in my late forties, I would only get married to a 20 something year old virgin. If I was very rich, I need to be realistic. Yeah. You know, the, the age gaps can be a bit of a tough thing, right? Because the age gaps, uh, is just such a different difference of experience. It doesn't mean it's impossible, but it's certainly tough. Uh, this I thought was interesting.
[32:15] Somebody wrote having been exposed to organized sports for young kids under 10 for a while now I'm ready to burn all of modern parenting practices to the ground throw it all out and start over these kids should be engaged in free play not a bad simulacrum of soccer.
[32:35] Somebody says basically it all has to end the drop off lines the commutes the activities the dual incomes comes the grab-and-go eating, the joyless consumption, etc. The stress so ingrained you breathe it, but no one knows how to stop it. And somebody writes, oh, this is the same woman who wrote Organized Sports. Not one in five has any natural inclination or ability in the game. They just want to do what their friends are doing. Their friends have parents who schedule them in organized activities like they are tech executives. They can't get their friends together for unstructured play because all their friends are scheduled solid with organized activities. It's a a massive coordination problem. The scheduling problem is similar for boys and girls, but the interest mismatch is 10 times worse for young girls. Left to their own devices, many of the young boys probably would spontaneously start playing soccer or football. None of the girls would. It's 98% parent-imposed. You basically don't know about this unless you have kids this age. You don't know how ridiculous it is. A typical basketball game for 12-year-old girls has a final score of 11 to 5. Why are we doing this? What's the point? I'm watching the two Two female coaches of a girls' soccer team exhort their players to celebrate their scoring your goals. Celebrate, girls! High-five each other! Get excited! What do you suppose their lack of natural excitement tells you?
[33:51] So somebody writes back, when my oldest girl had just turned five, I signed her up for gymnastics at the YMCA, unaware that it was the pipeline to competitive cheer. She lasted two sessions. I pulled her when the coach told me she needed to be working on arm strength at home. My just turned five-year-old. Yeah. Well, I mean, this is part of the result of diversity, right? That kids don't free play because social trust has been damaged. You can look at the Putnam studies for all of this. and, so free play is just not really a thing that happens and of course lack of fathers in the home means that moms are too nervous about their kids and so they don't let them have unstructured free play in the environment and all that stuff, thank you for the tip appreciate it what a lazy five year old the nerve not working on her arms yeah that's right, Yeah, so when kids are in a structured activity with the parents all there, then the kids are safe from bullies or gangs or violence or, you know, the constant fear that a lot of parents have about kidnapping and so on, right? So it's a lot to do with managing parental anxiety and lack of cohesiveness within social environments for sure.
[35:20] I mean, it's a funny thing, too, is that, and I've had this issue myself because I was neglected a lot as a kid. I had to make sure that I didn't overcompensate with my daughter, right? So, when she's doing something alone, I don't have to dive in and do it with her, right? I can go do my own thing. She's perfectly fine. We'll have time together when that works. books, but yeah, she's doing her own thing. She's been working on a sort of big giant story and all of that. So, you know, I'm happy to help if she wants, but I remember my school about 40 years ago, the boys were always playing football. The girls were not. Yeah. I got quite lucky with my neighbors. We had a bit of free play growing up outside of our apartments. Yeah. The free play stuff is really important. Free play is a pipeline to voluntarism, right? Because with free play, play so when you have your kids in organized sports then the rules are enforced by centralized authority right the the judge by the judges they've got a referee and whatever right but when you're out there you have to invent not just the game but the rules right i write about this in my novel almost which you should absolutely get a free domain.com slash books it's free it's a great book but you have to invent both the game and the rules and you have to find a way to enforce the rules in a horizontal fashion without a central authority.
[36:36] All this organized structural stuff is terrible. It makes the muscle of negotiation for kids, you know, half the time when we were playing, sometimes half the time, we were fighting about the rules or, you know, you touched me, no, it was just my shirt, or I hit you with that imaginary gun, no, you didn't, I was out of sight. And of course, what we get from the games is the negotiation, right?
[37:01] And people just really aren't doing that anymore. It's a real shame, right? As the kids can't grow up without structure. I remember a friend of mine, a boss of mine many years ago was telling me how, you know, when he was a kid, he'd just roam around and play with his friends. But now everything is 50 bucks. You go to Chuck E. Cheese, you go to the movie theater, you go to the mall, you go to lunch. Everything is 50 bucks. Every time you go out of the house is 50 bucks.
[37:26] All right, any other last questions, comments, issues, challenges? Thank you so much for your support of the show. This is for the donors only. I really, really do appreciate that. And happy to answer any other questions or thoughts or comments that you have. We used to play in the school gym when I was a kid, make forts in the gym mats. It was great fun. Yeah, yeah, for sure. All right. All right. Just waiting for the last little bit here.
[38:03] Some of the best childhood memories is from unstructured plans. Absolutely, yeah. Go climb the trees. Go build the forts. Go roam around, right? I remember my friends and I used to pick up dented cans of baked beans and apart from someone's kitchen, we'd go build fires and cook in the woods. Fantastic. Thanks again, Stef. It was cool to enjoy a live stream up in the mountains sipping on coffee. That's right. Fresh air for your brain and fresh... Sorry, fresh air for your lungs, fresh thoughts for your brains. All right. Thanks, everyone, so much. Have yourselves a glorious, wonderful, perfect, beautiful, lovely afternoon. We will talk to you guys Wednesday. Got some cool stuff coming up this week. And, of course, I really do appreciate your support. It means the world to me, and I hope that you will avail yourself of all of the cool stuff that comes. Don't forget to check out the call-in AI, right? So you can – and we're working on trying to find a way that you can talk and listen. So it's more like an actual conversation but there is a call in AI which you can get freedomain.locals.com for donors and you should check it out. All right. Yeah, take your bike and don't come back until dusk. Yeah, my mom had this giant cowbell. She'd ring out the window. All right. Lots of love, everyone. Take care. Bye.
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