0:00 - Authoritative vs. Peaceful Parenting
1:45 - Consequences of Poor Choices
4:05 - Teaching Critical Thinking
6:26 - Understanding Consequences
9:34 - The Role of Discipline
10:49 - Negotiating with Children
17:20 - Respecting Children's Feelings
22:53 - Communication and Apologies
28:38 - Modeling Emotional Understanding
35:03 - The Cycle of Parenting Hypocrisy
In this episode, I delve deep into the contrasting philosophies of authoritative parenting and peaceful parenting. Growing up in a household characterized by a lack of discipline led me to adopt a more structured approach as a parent. Drawing from my own experiences, I share insights from my childhood as one of 16 siblings, where my parents aimed to provide an emotionally safe environment but struggled with enforcement of rules. This absence of discipline often led my siblings to rebel against authority, leaving me determined to create a different dynamic for my own children.
I reflect on my commitment to setting clear boundaries and enforcing consequences for poor choices. Parents must recognize that the reality of today's society often rewards negative behaviors, making it crucial for us to prepare our children for the world they will inherit. I critique the notion of coercive discipline that many adopt, reminding listeners that true parenting involves teaching kids about the consequences of their actions, both through logical discussions and meaningful implementation of rules.
The particular challenges I face as a parent become evident through personal anecdotes, such as an experience in a grocery store where my five-year-old wanted a box of mac and cheese. In such moments, I grapple with upholding authority while maintaining a connection with my child's desires. Despite initially appearing strict, I explore whether the enforcement of rules is indeed in the child's best interest. I question the ethics of reprimanding children for expressing their feelings, conceding that we must model the behavior we wish to see in our children. Teaching them that their voices matter is paramount.
As I narrate stories about my eight-year-old daughter's disappointment when denied a bike ride, I highlight the importance of letting children negotiate their wants and feelings rather than imposing arbitrary restrictions. Children need to learn the dynamics of reasoning and compromise, which are fundamental skills in adulthood. The central takeaway is that any punitive measures we employ must be rooted in clear communication established long before the moment of conflict; otherwise, we risk alienating our children by failing to respect their emotional experiences.
Ultimately, I reinforce the value of nurturing open dialogue in parenting. While my husband and I strive to maintain a balance between discipline and emotional understanding, we must continually reflect on how our own actions influence our children. Authentic parenting involves modeling respectful communication and emotional vulnerability, rather than merely establishing rules without ensuring understanding and agreement.
By engaging with our children's thoughts and feelings, we encourage them to process their emotions healthily, paving the way for them to become respectful, thoughtful individuals. This episode prompts parents to introspect: Are we holding ourselves to the same standards we expect from our children? Only through honest self-reflection and consistent principles can we hope to raise a generation that values both discipline and emotional intelligence.
[0:00] Good morning, everybody. Hope you're doing well. Stefan Molyneux from Freedomain. Let's take on authoritative parenting and compare it to peaceful parenting, which is the philosophical approach to being a good mommy or daddy. All right, so this is from Business Insider, I think it is. Growing up, my parents didn't discipline me. Now I'm doing authoritative parenting, and it's working. All right, people always think the Brady Bunch had a wild family until they hear about me and my 16 siblings. My parents always wanted to give us the best childhoods by creating a safe environment for everyone to be themselves. That's why they had me and my three biological siblings, then adopted 13 other children. Okay, that's a little obsessive. Our parents adored us, but they also lacked the ability to discipline us when my siblings and I inevitably butted heads. They were always so exhausted from our busy lives that they struggled to keep everyone in line. I grew up seeing how constant chaos with no discipline didn't create the best environment. Some of my siblings lost faith in authority figures. I knew my future parenting style would incorporate more authoritative style.
[1:06] That's a bit of an awkward sentence. I knew my future parenting style would incorporate more authoritative style, which has proven to be the best thing for my 5-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter. An authoritative parenting style was the right choice for my family. Oh, my God. Jesus, Lord. Lord, above, can you, you know, vague badness followed by, it's the right choice. For what? Based on what? Based on outcomes when your kids haven't even hit puberty yet? Based on what you like? Based on your preferences? Based on what? How about based on morals? Oh no, apparently that's just a bridge too far for people as a whole.
[1:46] All right, evaluating my family's dynamics as a kid made me vow that my kids would always know there were consequences for poor choices.
[1:58] There were consequences for poor choices.
[2:06] Sorry, are you not aware that we live in a society where there are almost no consequences for poor choices? In fact, people get massively rewarded for poor choices all the time. Women who have children out of wedlock with unstable fathers get the equivalent of $80,000 a year in free stuff and benefits. Benefits um politicians who fail uh to deliver on their promises get re-elected all the time by making new promises uh people can they go to school with terrible teachers who never get fired and who misrepresent and bully the misrepresent facts and bully the children all the time they never get fired what are you talking about we've got an entire generation well two i guess boomers in Gen X that wanted more out of the government than they were willing to pay in taxes and therefore have bequeathed over a million dollars per capita in debt to the young.
[3:03] What negative consequences are they facing? We have a media and politicians who regularly lie countries and sometimes the world into war. What negative consequences do they face? They just went through a pandemic where people made the most appalling statements, turned on their fellow citizens like a bunch of cannibalistic half-starved jackals. What negative consequences are they facing? I mean, what world are you living in? Well, you know, there are consequences for poor choices.
[3:36] Okay.
[3:41] What are they facing in society? What do people in society face as consequences for poor choices? I don't understand. People can vote for warmongers who start wars, and neither the warmongers nor the voters ever face any negative consequences. I mean, in terms of like moralizing or legal stuff.
[4:06] I'm a little confused. So if you're going to raise your kids in a world where people get massively rewarded for bad decisions, you have to say, we're raising you with the opposite of how a state of society functions as a whole.
[4:30] We're going to teach you how to think, and generally, in society, those who think face the most negative consequences of all, and those who mindlessly repeat propaganda face the most positive consequences of all. I mean, they know this in school. You raise your hand, and you criticize the teacher, and what happens? Right i i get these messages all the time i'm in university the teacher is telling lies should i correct the teacher should i correct the professor should i correct the ta right we all know what happens if you oppose what the teachers and professors say if you think for yourself so it is a poor choice to think for yourself from a practical consequential standpoint So.
[5:20] If you say, kids, you know, it's really important that you're going to face negative consequences for poor choices, you also have to say that this is the opposite of how society as a whole functions at the moment, and one of the poor choices that you're going to make is thinking that there are negative consequences for poor choices, because that's just not how society works. So, you can't be more moral than... In your family, then you are relative to society as a whole. So if you say, well, we're going to do this radical thing where there are negative consequences for poor choices. Now, this is not how society works as a whole. And this is, if you make good choices, you will end up with negative consequences. So, you know, if you're responsible and you work hard and you get an education and you're entrepreneurial, or you're just a very, very hard worker, then you're going to get the living crap taxed out of you, but if you are lazy and indifferent to your future, you get free stuff.
[6:27] Uh this is this great tweet that people wrote someone wrote a long time ago you know what's the biggest lesson you learned regarding adulthood and the biggest lesson was that efficient workers are punished with more work right it's the old thing i learned this in business if you want something done give it to the busy person because the person who's not that busy is not that busy for a reason yeah consequences for poor choices I mean you make a lot of people make poor choices and then just sue people.
[7:03] Anyway so you know kids there are there are consequences for poor choices and that's fine I mean negative consequences for poor choices I get that I'm not opposed to that I'm just saying that, you have to put your kids out into a society where the opposite of your parenting is generally the case right, because you study kids listen man don't don't whine to get what you want oh it's a democracy well you're never going to see that again right all right so when my husband and i decided to have children oh i knew it was a woman when we start with personal anecdotes and what works in my family and it's never no principles we discussed how we'd raise them i wanted to parent them from a place of logic while prioritizing discipline in response to bad behaviors. That kind of authoritative parenting means having age-appropriate conversations about how actions have consequences in addition to enforcing those consequences, such as temporarily revoking some of my kids' childhood privileges. So that's interesting, right? So consequences can mean two things, right? Consequences can mean if you are careless on your bike, you will fall and scrape your knees, right? That's reality enforcing consequences. And the other is if you do something I disapprove of, I will punish you in some manner, and that is not the same as generalized consequences.
[8:28] So actions have consequences, yes, for sure, right? The action of, in general, giving free stuff to the population is getting political power, right? So those are consequences, and passing the debt to the unborn, right?
[8:47] So, my role in parenting our kids is more logical. I understand that both having conversations with kids and enforcing consequences help them learn to do better next time. And again, all of this is better relative to what? Relative to virtue, relative to negative consequences. Meanwhile, my husband has always handled our children's emotional well-being more naturally. He's there to guide us through the first step while we talk with our kids about how they can do better next time. Our parenting style encourages emotional stability while equally enacting the consequences that help children go into better versions of themselves. Okay, it's all just a bunch of words and nonsense. What are the principles and what are the practical actions? Don't get me wrong, I'm a softy deep down. Disciplining my children is hard.
[9:35] In those moments, I'll remind myself they'll achieve greater things because they develop core values and an understanding of consequences. My God, can you get to the point? What are these core values? And what do you mean by consequences? We channel both of our approaches through disciplinary inactions and kindness. This gives our parenting a higher purpose than just trying to keep the peace to get through the day as a family. I've thought about how I parent my kids for decades, and yet I still can't give you any principles. Even as a teenager, I saw how important it was to give attention to your children because my parents didn't always have the time to do so, and for good reason. They rarely had a moment to rest. Well, they adopted 13 kids. That is negative towards your biological children.
[10:16] Oh, good. What our parenting style looks like in action. I keep these values in mind. What values? What are your values? Consequences, attention, kindness. Those aren't values. Those are just words. Okay. I keep these values in mind during moments such as yesterday. My husband and I had to enforce our authoritative parenting style in the grocery store, even though we were rushing to get home. Our five-year-old son grabbed a box of mac and cheese off the shelf and threw it in our cart. While I put the box back, my husband told him it wasn't on our list.
[10:50] Okay. So, what is wrong with your son wanting mac and cheese?
[11:02] Your five-year-old son wants mac and cheese. and he wants to contribute to the family shopping. He finds the packaging attractive. He's probably had mac and cheese in the past, so that's what he likes. So he wants mac and cheese. He wants to contribute to the family shopping. What is wrong with your five-year-old? Your five-year-old is a little, little, little kid. He's barely out of toddlerhood. What is wrong with your five-year-old wanting a 99-cent box of mac and cheese? My husband told him it wasn't on our list. What is a five-year-old supposed to understand about a list? And have you explained everything beforehand? That's the key. You must never, ever, ever, ever enforce any kind of rule that you haven't explained and got the child's agreement with ahead of time. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
[12:07] I mean, can you imagine that you have a cell phone contract and they say, we're reducing the data you have by 80%, right? Instead of 50 gigs, you're now down to 10. You'd raise holy hell because you didn't agree to that ahead of time. You bought for 50 gigs. Now, they might raise the price and tell you all of that, but they can't drop the service. If you sign up for a plan that says I can call in Canada and the U.S. And then they increase the price of your plan and say you can no longer call to the U.S., you'd raise holy hell because that's not what you agreed to. You don't just have rules imposed on you, you know, arbitrarily and consider that just.
[12:47] So what you need to do is have a nice chat with your five-year-old, if you think this is some important rule, which it's not. So you sit down with your five-year-old and say, okay, here's the list. Do you agree with everything that's on the list, right? So we're not going to do things that are off the list. Here's what the list is for. Here's why we're doing this. Here's why we're doing that. Do you agree? What do you think? Give me your input so that he's part of the decision-making process, right? Because you can't inflict a rule on a kid that the kid has not understood and agreed to ahead of time. Rules are all about the negotiation ahead of time, not the arbitrary enforcement in the moment. Did your son say ahead of time, I agree with everything that's on this list? And you can do that at five. Here's this, here's that. Is there anything you want to add to the list? He says, well, I want mac and cheese. You say, well, you know, there's a lot of chemicals. Let's make it from scratch, you know, blah, blah, whatever. You know, a lot of space powder in the cheese or whatever it is, right? Right. So you, you, ahead of time, you get the kid to agree with the list.
[13:46] You get the kid to agree with the list and we don't buy things that are not on the list. Does he agree to that ahead of time? And then when he's in the store, if he grabs something and throws it on the cart, then you can just smile and say, is that on the list? Well, we agreed that we weren't going to do things that weren't on the list. And you can't just change the rules, right? You can't just change the agreement, right? If I say I'm taking you to Chuck E. Cheese and then I take you to the Department of Motor Vehicles because I need to renew my driver's license, you won't be happy. Like I can't just change things in the moment, right? And so he doesn't say anything like, well, we talked about this ahead of time and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
[14:29] So, and listen to this story, right? Our five-year-old son grabbed a box of mac and cheese off the shelf and threw it in our cart. Okay, so this is aggressive language, right? This is a parent who's already annoyed at the child, and then you're not being honest.
[14:46] So, grabbed and threw. All right, this is aggressive language. While I put the box back, my husband told him it wasn't on our list. Our son immediately started crying and yelling. He said we were mean, which I shut down right away. I told him he couldn't speak to us like that because he needed to respect us. And if he said it again, he'd lose TV privileges after dinner. Okay, so your son needs to respect you, but you can take the food that he wants to eat and his contributions to the shopping and just immediately invalidate it and tell him he's wrong, it's not on the list, even though he never seems to have agreed with the list ahead of time. So you're being kind of mean because he's trying to contribute to the family shopping and he's telling you what he wants to eat and what he thinks the family will want to eat and you're just grabbing it out and saying no it's not on our list so that's disrespecting his contributions and then you get all pouty and say well you need to respect us he said we were mean okay so if your child says you're mean what do you do if you are a reasonable decent parent what you do is you say what do you mean by mean? What is it that you think that we're doing that's mean? What are the principles? Why are we doing something that's mean? So he's saying he's experiencing what's happening as parents being mean.
[16:08] So you ask questions. What do you mean by that? How are we being mean? Help me understand, right? So you shut it down. No, we're not being mean. We're going to punish you if you say that again. It's like, how's that communication?
[16:23] How is that communication? And of course he started crying and yelling and said we were mean because when he has a complaint, he's just punished. He has a complaint. He's experiencing his parents as being mean. Okay? So listen to that as a parent. Help me understand. How am I being mean? What is it that you would prefer? And so on, right? Because what was his big thing? He wanted to eat some mac and cheese. Oh, no. He's basically an arsonist. Hey, mom and dad, Dad, I'd really like to eat some mac and cheese, and I'd really like to help contribute to the family shopping outing.
[17:02] No, it's not on the list. You're being mean. All right, we're punishing you if you say that again. You need to respect us, okay? So how do you get a kid to respect you? You respect the kid. You can't teach a kid a language you don't speak. If you want to speak the language of respect, then you need to respect your child.
[17:21] He wants mac and cheese. Now, that doesn't mean he gets mac and cheese. I mean, it's not like everything I want I get, but you've got to listen, as opposed to this immediate escalation, right? He wants mac and cheese. You take it out. You put it back on the shelf. It's not on the list. And why does the kid start crying and yelling and saying you're mean? Why? Why? Why does the kid do that? Kids tend to really care about their parents. Kids tend to love their parents. Kids need their parents. Why? You have no curiosity as to why he might think you're doing something mean. And, of course, the parents in all of these stories, the parents are always perfectly innocent. They didn't do anything wrong. They weren't short-tempered. They weren't snappy. I mean, look at this.
[18:07] So, the parents are rushing to get home, right? So we all know what that means, that they're short-tempered, that they're going to be snappy. No, that's not on the list. Put it back. So they're going to be short-tempered and snappy. Now, a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. That's something I learned very early on in the business world. So the fact that you, as the parents, are in a big rush does not in any way, shape, or form mean that your kid has to be in a hurry too. So if you have something that you have failed to plan for, if you have something that you've committed to, If you're late for X, Y, and Z, you had to work late or there was slow traffic. That's not your kid's fault. The fact that you're in a rush does not give you the right to escalate with regards to your child. Because that's your failure to plan. If you're trying to rush through the groceries because you want to get it done because you're late going somewhere, that's not your kid's fault. He's not in charge of your schedule. He's not making you late. He's not making you rush. He didn't set your next schedule. He didn't make traffic bad. It's not his fault. The crying continued as we walked down other aisles. When my husband shushed our son, he repeated that we were mean.
[19:17] Shush okay that is that is mean and contemptuous and dismissive can you imagine if the mother right if the mother the wife was upset about something harsh or mean or snappy that the husband said and she was trying to talk to him about it and just said what would she she wouldn't she wouldn't say oh yes that's perfectly reasonable i just got shushed quiet woman and come on you wouldn't accept that behavior. You wouldn't accept that behavior. It's just a power play. This is just a wretched, wretched power play. We're bigger, and we have authority, and we have control, and we have economic independence, and you depended on us, and we're bigger. My gosh, that's so pathetic.
[20:00] So the kid is crying because he's upset, and rather than asking him about what he's upset, I mean, because they're in a rush, right? And they're saying, well, sorry, kid, I'd love to to know what's going on in your heart and mind, but sadly, we have a schedule to keep, and the schedule is more important than your wounded heart.
[20:19] So the crying continued, so now you're in a battle of wills. So the parents are perceiving that the child is being manipulative and cold and mean and nasty and this and that and the other, and the kid is just sad and upset, and he's experiencing the parents as being mean, as would I, as would you, as would any other sane person, right? Can you you imagine if the husband was grocery shopping with the wife and she wanted something and he said that's not on the list took it out of the basket and put it back on the shelf she'd be upset too she'd be like what are you talking about that's kind of mean and he's quiet woman it's like okay so yeah this is just escalating the crying continues when we got home we stuck to our word and he didn't get to watch paw patrol excellent my parents would have tried to quiet him in the store and eventually given up. Instead, my husband and I explained why our son's language was wrong before enforcing the promised consequences. While our son pouted in his room later that night, oh yes, he's not sad. He's just crying and he's calling you mean. He's being disrespectful and now he's pouting. Do you see the contempt that people have for the emotional lives of children? He's just pouting. He's just manipulative. He's just pouting.
[21:33] So look at the disrespect that is being shown to the child here, right?
[21:39] And you disrespecting your child's emotional life, disrespecting your child's preferences and his desire to contribute to the shopping, his desire to eat something like mac and cheese. It's not like that's four pounds of cocaine and candy. So where's the respect for your child? Where's the respect for your child? Shush! Right? Where's the respect for your child's feelings? And now he's just pouting, right? No, he's sad. He's sad and upset. And he has something really important to tell you about respect.
[22:07] So, now, the idea that my parents would have tried to quiet him in the store and eventually given up. No, you don't try and quiet your child. Your child's feelings are more important than your goddamn grocery trip. Like, your child's feelings are more important than sticking to the list. What are you, some sort of toilet-trained-at-gunpoint, anal-attentive German engineer? Oh, it's got to be on the list. Got to be on the list. It's got to be on the list. The list is more important than your feelings. The list is more important than your mac and cheese. The list is more important than your contribution. distribution, you have more respect for the list than your son's heart? What's the matter with you? And then you shush him, you threaten him, you call him pouty, and then you're like, but it's very important to respect family members. Like, holy crap, I don't understand this thinking at all.
[22:53] While our son pouted in his room later that night, we talked about why respecting us was important, how much we loved him, and how he should apologize. I know he'll alone over time that he can't do whatever he wants, which will make him a happier adult who people love to be around.
[23:10] Yeah, well, he doesn't love to be around you. Last week, we also discussed how actions have consequences with our eight-year-old daughter. She wanted to ride her bike to a friend's house after dinner, but it was too late on a school night. My husband said no, and our daughter rolled her eyes and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her. So she asks at the age of eight she asks and um are there rules agreed to ahead of time no she's just on her knees begging the father god for permission to go and uh now after dinner so dinner is usually six o'clock so 6 6 30 6 45 maybe seven o'clock why can she not she's eight years old. Why can she not ride a bike to her friend's house? I mean, she can go for an hour. She can go for half an hour. Let her do it. Why not? She wants to do it. Why not? My husband said, no.
[24:01] So then she's upset. Why? Because there's no negotiation. There's no rules agreed to ahead of time. She's just begging for permission. And the husband is, no. Okay, why should he say no? Where's the negotiation? Right? Oh, it's all about teaching our children how to function productively and positively in the real world. Well, in the real world, you negotiate stuff. You don't just beg for permission unless you're a slave. You don't just beg for permission. You negotiate. So you negotiate with your children. Oh, you want the mac and cheese. Okay, let's talk about it. That's the other, right? Oh, you want to go to your friend's house after dinner. Why? Why is the no? It's too late on a school night.
[24:41] It's not. After dinner is not too late on a school night. And if her friend is willing to have her come over, it's not objectively too late. So let's say your eight-year-old says at 10 o'clock at night, I want to go and spend two hours at my friend's house. We'll say, no, it's too late. and then we even phone the person put them on speakerphone and say my daughter wants to come over at 10 o'clock for two hours they'd say no it's too late so if her friend is willing to accept her it's not objectively too late like it's not every parent would agree it's too late because her friend is willing to have her come over right so you have a problem in that why is our rule different than the other parents rule and that's just a challenge that you have to deal with but nope so she rolled her eyes and ran to her room slamming the door behind her she's frustrated that there's no negotiation and she's not allowed to make her case. Always let your kids make the case. Always let your kids make the case. You know, I'm open to talking about it and not even like I'm open to being convinced because that's saying that you're the final arbiter. But no, I mean, let me hear the case. We immediately went to her room and told her we don't do either of those things because they're disrespectful. Right. So it's a rolling your eyes is disrespectful. However, refusing to negotiate with your children and enforcing arbitrary rules is not disrespectful.
[26:01] Not even telling her why or explaining things or having rules ahead of time, that apparently is not disrespectful. My God. She needed to apologize and accept her punishment. No bike for the rest of the week.
[26:15] So she rolls her eyes and slams the door and the punishment is no bike for the rest of the week. So, yeah, well, welcome to your teenage years when they'll be influenced by their peers and the internet more than you. She's old enough to see how other parents treat their kids and she pointed out how her best friend slams the door and never gets punished. She thought it was unfair that other kids could express their anger without punishment while she couldn't. My husband told her she was allowed to feel mad. He also explained that she should tell us about her feelings with words so we could work through them together and said that would be more helpful than slamming doors or rolling her eyes. Okay, well, are the parents also explaining to the children what their feelings are and working through them with words, or are they just saying, they're just shushing them and saying, it's not on the list, we're in a hurry, right? No.
[27:01] So, you cannot ever, ever, ever justly inflict a rule on your children that you have not consistently followed for years yourself. So, if you as the parent say, I'm bothered by what you're doing. I'm not sure. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm bothered by what you're doing. Let me tell you what I'm thinking. I'd love to hear what you're thinking. Right? So, are you as a parent explaining your feelings by talking through them with your child? Are you? Because if you're not then asking your children to do that is asking the impossible and being a complete freaking hypocrite of the lowest and basest kind right so she says tell about her feelings with words so we can work through them together right so the girl rolls her eyes and slams the door and the parents are upset and angry so are the parents working through their feelings by talking about them with the kid no they're just inflicting a punishment so the parents are angry and they just inflict the punishment. And then the child is also angry and just rolls her eyes and slams the door. So the parents are not talking through their feelings. And then they're saying, well, you have to talk through your feelings, even though we don't. You can't inflict negative stimuli on us when you're angry, but we will inflict negative stimuli on you when you're angry. So you doing what we're doing is the opposite of good. And you not doing what we're never doing is also the opposite of good. So you have to do what we never do in order to be the good.
[28:24] It's madness. It's staggering. So he made a great point by asking how our daughter felt when her best friend rolled her eyes at her. My eight-year-old said it was annoying. I saw her realize in real time that it wasn't as helpful as talking through her feelings. But how are the parents modeling talking through their feelings?
[28:38] Oh my gosh, when we need to take a loving approach to discipline, we do so by discussing why the consequences happen and how much we love our kids no matter what. I believe that our kids benefit from my slightly emotionally detached logical approach to my husband's strength and emotional vulnerability. Emotional vulnerability is not characterized by, put that mac and cheese back now, shush when you're crying. Enforcing rules sometimes makes me feel like a bad mom, really.
[29:04] Really so enforcing rules sometimes makes you feel like a bad mom but rather than talk through your feelings you just repress them and say right enforcing rules sometimes makes me feel like a bad mom but these moments when i see the light bulbs spark in my children's minds are worth it when i don't when i doubt myself while setting boundaries or making disciplinary decisions i remember that we're preparing them to be well-rounded adults my kids are incredible now and they'll be even more amazing in the, in adulthood because we are committed to consequences. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't enforce any rules on kids that you have not repeatedly and consistently modeled for years ahead of time. If you want your kids to control their temper, you need to control your temper. If you want your kids to talk through their feelings, you need to talk through your feelings. If you want your kids to listen, you need to listen to them first. If you want your kids to respect you, you need to respect them first. Do your kids say i don't want to go to school and you say well you have to go to school that's not listening to them talk through their feelings have you ever said well maybe we can homeschool or maybe we can find some alternative or maybe this or maybe that nope uh so it's really sad it's really i don't i don't understand this thinking i mean i may be a little bit oversensitive to hypocrisy haven't grown up with so much of it myself but it's all over the place in society.
[30:23] If you think that simply inflicting negative consequences for them not following the principles you've never seemed to have followed yourself is good parenting, well, yeah, they're incredible now, I suppose, because they've just given up. See, people say, well, I just inflict negative consequences through rank hypocrisy on my kids, and they're amazing. They've fallen in line. It's like, no, they haven't fallen in line. They've just given up. See, kids can't... I'm here to articulate on behalf of children. In other words, to talk about the instincts that children have that they can't articulate or will face too much negative consequences for articulating. So, yes, this is terrible, terrible, terrible stuff. It's terrible stuff, and it is not going to work. Yeah, so you've dominated them, right? Yeah, so they've come out of the terrible twos, as they're called, and now they're in what's called the latency period, which is sort of four to five to, you know, nine to ten, maybe into puberty, depending. So the latency period is when kids just kind of give up. if they try to negotiate through their toddlerhood, they try to look for their parents to actually manifest the principles that they inflict on the children and if they don't and they it's really tough for kids to make that case that's really edgy and, difficult for kids to make that case so I'm here to tell you on behalf of your children that if you inflict rules you never follow yourself on your children if you.
[31:43] Dismiss their feelings as whining and pouting and so on rather than and if you're disrespectful towards your children, and then you punish them for being disrespectful towards you, if you don't see that your children's upset is the result of you not listening, and your daughter rolling her eyes and slamming the door, is the result of you rolling your eyes by calling your children pouty and difficult, and then slamming the door of your heart by refusing to empathize with their upset, by calling their upset negative, by disrespecting their emotions, and having contempt for the operations of their instinctive hearts, They don't have any control over their emotions. They're children. I mean, most adults don't either.
[32:24] Then that's not parenting, that's just dominance. So yeah, your kids will give up. They will absolutely give up. And they will say, okay, I can't negotiate with these people. I just get punished. I can't express a complaint. And I don't know how to talk through my feelings because they don't talk through their feelings. They just inflict punishments. So I give up. And having your children give up looks like compliance. It looks like you've won. Absolutely. You can break kids this way. And then the storms are... The teenage years will hit, the hormones will hit, and then you'll wonder why your parenting didn't work at all.
[33:01] Peaceful parenting is the way to go. Every time you want to inflict a consequence on your child or you want to punish your child, ask yourself, have I consistently for years modeled the behavior that I want out of my child? If your child is acting out their emotions, you have to say, where did they get that from? and you are responsible as a parent for everything that your child does. Because you say, well, they don't get that from me. They get that from school. You chose to put them in school. You chose to put them in school. It's still 100% on you. Well, they don't get that from me. They get that from their friends. Well, you are in charge of their social life, right? You choose who they socialize with. It's still 100% on you.
[33:43] So every time your child is doing something quote negative, you need to look in the mirror and say, where's that behavior coming from? It's this most parenting this kind of parenting is literally teaching your children swear words and then punish them punishing them for swearing there's not one instance where these parents talk out their feelings and and and work through those feelings in negotiation with their children and then they punish their five and eight year old for not doing what the parents themselves has failed to do consistently and repeatedly the parents have had 40 years to learn how to do what what they're punishing a five-year-old for not doing, and an eight-year-old. If you haven't mastered this or done it consistently by the age of 40, how dare you inflict this standard of talking through your feelings on a five-year-old and an eight-year-old. I can't tell you how much contempt I have for this stuff. It's absolutely ridiculous.
[34:37] If your kids don't talk through their feelings, it's because you haven't talked through your feelings. Kids will mirror their parents. Kids will do what their parents model and show and display and teach. It's not authoritative parenting. It's just rank hypocrisy, masquerading as imaginary parental perfection, which is always combined with contempt for the children and a punishment on the children so they never figure out exactly how ridiculously hypocritical the parents are.
[35:04] And that is raising them to be good little serfs in the modern world. Well done. Congratulations. we get another generation of slavery.
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