In this poignant episode, Stefan Molyneux engages with a caller whose life has been profoundly affected by the tragic passing of his sister under mysterious circumstances. The caller recounts the harrowing story of his sister's untimely death, complicating matters as her boyfriend—who is currently a suspect in her possible murder—seeks custody of her three-year-old son. The emotional weight of the situation becomes palpable as the caller expresses his concerns for his nephew, who is now being cared for by a family friend while facing weekly meetings with his father, despite the looming cloud of suspicion surrounding the man.
As the conversation unfolds, the caller reveals the chaos within his family dynamics, sharing that they had a turbulent upbringing marked by the struggles of their parents, including the father's addiction to painkillers following an accident. This context adds layers to the caller’s perspective on responsibility—both as a potential guardian for his nephew and as a member of a family that has failed to address its turbulent history effectively. Stefan prompts the caller to reflect on his sister's life, fostering a deeper understanding of the complex web of relationships and decisions that have led to the current crisis.
The relationship between the caller and his sister was strained, yet there remains an underlying sense of responsibility—the caller feels a duty to protect his nephew from the tumultuous legacy left by his sister's choices and her partner. Aware of the backlash he may face, the caller admits to wrestling with the idea of adoption for his nephew, contemplating the possibility of preventing the child from entering the foster care system. The emotional toll of this decision is palpable, compounded by the ambiguity of the circumstances surrounding his sister’s death—her cause of death still officially listed as "undetermined."
Stefan adeptly navigates the conversation, encouraging the caller to consider the implications of adopting a child with such a heavy familial burden. He highlights the genetic and environmental factors that could potentially affect the child's development, recognizing that the history of violence in the child's environment and the trauma he has already experienced could shape his future behaviors. Stefan confronts the difficult realities of parenting a child who may struggle significantly due to inherited traits and environmental stressors, prompting the caller to confront the harsh possibility that stepping into this role might not only marginalize his own future aspirations but also expose him to challenges beyond his preparedness.
The dialogue crescendos as Stefan challenges the caller to articulate the burdens of family duty versus personal responsibility, arguing that the consequences of his sister’s choices should not fall squarely upon his shoulders. He navigates the moral complexities of familial obligation, pushing the caller toward the realization that the onus of care and decision-making ultimately rests with those who were primarily responsible for the child’s welfare. Stefan urges the caller to stand firm against the overwhelming guilt of potentially leaving his nephew in the hands of the system, instead advocating for his mother and stepfather to confront their roles in this tragedy.
By the end of the conversation, the caller experiences a sense of clarity and empowerment, recognizing the need for open dialogue with his family while grappling with the need to prioritize his own life and future. The episode stitches together themes of familial responsibility, personal agency, and the compelling complexities of navigating intergenerational trauma. Stefan’s insightful guidance serves not only to illuminate the caller's path but also resonates deeply with listeners facing their own familial dilemmas, making for a thought-provoking episode that underscores the ongoing struggle for personal identity and responsibility amidst familial chaos.
0:00:00 - A Year of Grief and Uncertainty
0:01:20 - The Child's Future at Stake
0:05:12 - Reflections on Childhood
0:07:59 - Family Dynamics and Struggles
0:09:38 - The Impact of Growing Up
0:16:08 - Reconnecting with the Past
0:25:01 - The Complexity of Adoption
0:31:22 - Assessing the Child's Potential
0:40:23 - Responsibility and Moral Dilemmas
0:45:04 - Family Dynamics
1:02:26 - Relationship Reflections
1:12:09 - The Weight of Responsibility
1:19:23 - Confronting Family Pressures
1:23:23 - Taking a Stand
[0:00:00] So it's pretty unfortunate last year, my sister passed away. And even though it's been almost a full year, they don't really know what happened. And so there is a suspect. But anyway, so she has a three-year-old son.
[0:00:16] Hang on, hang on. Sorry. Yeah, because they have names and places.
[0:00:20] Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry.
[0:00:21] No, no, fine. I'll take it out. I'll take it out. You said there is a suspect? I feel like we skated past that one pretty fluidly.
[0:00:28] Oh, yeah. Oh my goodness. Um, well, the suspect is the child's father. So this is, you know, and the way the, I'm not going to try, I'm going to try to go slowly and vaguely to like not say names and places. Uh, the current state, um, I called DCF and I'm trying to figure out what's going on. And so the kid right now is with my sister's friend. And so she's taking care of him. But he goes to weekly meetings with DCF, and the child's father is there. And per the state, he has 15 months to kind of get his act together so he can get him.
[0:01:15] But the thing is, he's a suspect in my sister's untimely death. uh they don't know how actually she passed away but you know he's a suspect so it's like i'm very nervous and my sister's friend told me you know the child is very violent like kind of hates these meetings it wants nothing to do with it so like i'm kind of very uh uh you know worried and i want to kind of like uh i guess my question is is like you know is adoption great for me because you know I don't want my nephew to go anywhere near this guy or the system, really.
[0:01:54] Wow, that's quite a tale. Sorry. You're thinking of adopting your late sister's child, and her husband or boyfriend is a suspect in her murder.
[0:02:06] Yes, but the thing is, when it first happened.
[0:02:12] The detective, I went to the detective, and he thought it was kind of like an accidental Xanax overdose because she got prescribed something. so with uh uh the way things are going in that part of the country they're like hey you know we're gonna do the autopsy and toxicology is going to take like three months there's a lot of stuff going on a lot of fentanyl whatever going on and toxicology is backed up so we think it's this and we'll know for sure he's 99% sure this happened and so we're like okay whatever so uh, toxicology comes back and it turns out it's not that it's not the Xanax overdose, and she didn't have enough in her system to do that. So now, uh, you know, I've talked to DCF and they're saying like, yeah, he's still, uh, uh, uh, suspect in, you know, the untimely death. I don't know if it's, she got murdered. I have no clue. Uh, I've also been trying my hardest to kind of like avoid, conversations with the detective and DCF because I kind of got into a little spat with DCF not the last time but the time before I called so, yeah I figured if I can you know talk to some people about this who kind of have a level head and figure out I think you know if I can adopt and kind of like oh Jesus I did it again if I could adopt the kid and just get him away from the situation.
[0:03:40] That'd be probably better for me too because I don't want to think about him in this situation you know.
[0:03:46] Right. So what did your sister die of if it wasn't the overdose?
[0:03:51] The death certificate said determined to be undetermined. I don't know. I didn't realize that was a thing in 2026. I thought, you know, I assumed that this far along, we would be able to like diagnose it. But it sounds like it's they don't really know what's going on. and the detectives were able to kind of move along with the death certificate, saying undetermined, you know, cause of death.
[0:04:22] Okay, okay. Well, if they can't determine the cause of death, it seems unlikely that anyone's going to get charged. But, I mean, what do I know? I'm not a lawyer or a policeman, but it just seems like an odd.
[0:04:33] Yeah, and I'm pretty frustrated with how that's going about. that's why i kind of like you know i've already gotten kind of like an argument of a dcf worker i don't want to get to an argument with a detective especially if i want to kind of adopt him i feel like it's probably better if i stay away from uh uh you know i i can talk to people and not have arguments but it's like i'm a little frustrated with like this whole thing because uh it seems like it's almost been a year and uh, feel like nothing has happened as far as like moving forward, if that makes sense.
[0:05:12] Right. Okay. So tell me a little bit about your sister's life and I guess your life as well growing up.
[0:05:19] Yeah. I mean, me and my sister kind of had a rough childhood. Um, you know, we kind of had a broken family and, uh, me and my sister, like, uh, we weren't exactly close, but um you know we'd always like uh catch up and reconnect every so often and um let's see i was living for a little while i bought a multi-family house and um i moved out i got a job cross-country and um so my sister drew me back home and she asked if i had a place for her to live that, and I let her live at my place, and I love her, but she was the worst tenant possible, and then I found out she was pregnant.
[0:06:08] Hang on, what was the problem with her being a tenant?
[0:06:12] Yeah, she always... Well, the thing was, I asked her to do some, like, maintenance and stuff around the house, like, cut the lawn, you know, check the oil tank.
[0:06:25] I guess those were two of the biggest things. But, so I think everything was going good. Then I had a tree fall in my backyard. I hired my buddy to come cut up the tree. And he's, like, you know, jokingly says to me, oh, who's cutting your lawn? And I was, like, oh, my sister. And he's, like, no, no, no. like sends me a picture and the grass is up to my um uh you know up to my waist where my waist would be then i was like tell my sister's like hey you need to let me know like if you're not gonna cut the grass like you need to let me know like no one's cut the grass and she's saying like well there's a mice problem here you're not taking care of it blah blah and i'm just like oh my goodness like so it's just a lot back and forth uh she always wanted discounts on rent even though I gave her a really good, uh, discount on rent to begin with.
[0:07:12] And, um, yeah, that went on for some time. Um, and unfortunately I kind of like got the idea. I'm just going to sell this house because this is too much. Um, twice, uh, the place ran out of oil. I'm not there to check it every day. I'm not even in the state. And, uh, you know, I had to get someone out like ASAP to fill back with oil and prime the system. So the pipes wouldn't freeze. And it's just, uh, it was just a constant headache and i sold the place and uh she got her own place a few miles down the road where it was then a few months later she passes away so i i guess i kind of do like feel kind of like uh you know maybe i didn't sell my place she wouldn't have passed away i don't know my mom told me not to think like that that's ridiculous but um, you know, I do feel kind of like really rough with the situation.
[0:08:00] Sure, sure. I sympathize. And tell me a little bit about growing up with the circumstances.
[0:08:06] Yeah. So, um, growing up, uh, my mom's from out of country. Uh, I don't know if you want me to tell you what country it is. It's cool. I know you don't kind of want.
[0:08:14] No, it's fine if it's like that distant. So where is she from?
[0:08:18] Uh, Ireland. So my mom's like, uh, came here, um, you know, and when she was in her twenties He's from Ireland. And so my mom's kind of like, you know, from Ireland. My father is, he was a disabled veteran. When I was six years old, he fell off a ladder. And the VA hospital just started dropping off like boxes of like Oxycontin and ketamine and all this stuff. So that's kind of like the downfall of him. So we were kind of raised in, and we have an older brother as well, a five-year-old older brother. so it's kind of like a really uh kind of like rough childhood like no uh parents were really who my father was but he wasn't really like there so like uh most my uh you know growing up i guess i kind of like uh i went to skate park i ran away a lot you know i mean i just kind of it's like was always very distant and uh you know it's weird to say i'm very happy uh thankful i'm happy that uh I kind of, like, had a lot of good friends at the skate park because my brother and sister, I feel like they didn't really get into, like, the best habits and friend groups, and I kind of did, and, you know, I kind of have to be grateful for that, you know?
[0:09:38] Okay, okay. And what was the discipline that was going on in your household when you were growing up?
[0:09:47] Not too much discipline at all, to be honest with you. I remember my sister doing whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. And one thing that stood out for me growing up is we were at Target. My sister wanted like some disco ball or something like that. we're children obviously and mom's like no no no my sister started crying and screaming and mom's like okay cool let's get it and um essentially my mom would like get my sister a lot of things, and there's no real like uh uh discipline for that uh me neither but for some reason like i guess like maybe my friends i was always like part of like the different friends group like uh you know i'd always go to like different uh friends houses and stuff like that and i feel like always kind of had like, uh, you know, some like parental figures, uh, growing up. So if that makes sense, you know, I, I don't think my, uh, brother and sister had that, but I, I like to think I did, you know?
[0:10:49] Right. Okay. And what's your age difference with your sister?
[0:10:53] I'm a year older.
[0:10:55] Okay. Got it. And how did you guys get along growing up?
[0:11:00] We didn't get along that well growing up at all, you know. I think I was, we were in middle school. We kind of really separated and like did our own things. I was like, you know, I hung out with all skaters and she hung out with a lot of like, I don't want to say this, like get sketto people. she kind of hung around a lot of ghetto crowds and she started, smoking marijuana and stuff at a young age and drinking and I wasn't really about that to be honest with you until later so.
[0:11:35] By ghetto people do you mean sort of like trailer park people or black people from the bad neighborhood so what.
[0:11:44] Do you mean the latter I guess like uh where we're from there's kind of like a town where it's like uh yeah i hate saying like you know black people but yeah she almost her friends were uh black all of a sudden you know it seems like a middle school and um you know it didn't seem to like uh, do very well like uh well it's not necessarily.
[0:12:09] A black thing i mean.
[0:12:10] Yeah yeah right she.
[0:12:12] Could be friends with like uh very intelligent studious uh black group or she could be friend with sort of low rent trailer park white people it's more just a class thing i would assume rather than a.
[0:12:25] Race thing but.
[0:12:26] You're saying that she was hanging around with not the most elevated black segments of society.
[0:12:31] Yes that's exactly right i apologize i didn't mean to do that um yeah that's fine.
[0:12:36] Don't worry about it go ahead.
[0:12:37] Yeah she hung around with like uh they're not the brightest people and um yeah i didn't really like it but that was her, and um you know she talked differently act differently um yeah i think she also started smoking cigarettes and it's just kind of a nightmare and um but same thing with me i kind of just like um i really stopped uh hanging around home at much uh that much at all you You know, I'd always go to the skate park and pretty much stay there. You know, I'd go to school, obviously. But after school, I'd go straight to the skate park. And I'd pretty much go home to sleep, you know, do it all over again. Maybe eat food, obviously. But like, yeah, I was trying to stay out of the house as much as possible. So I was just like annoyed with a lot of things that were going on.
[0:13:26] And what were the worst things about being at home?
[0:13:30] Well, let's see. my father was uh, He wasn't that bad when he was just on, like, you know, the opioids and stuff like that. But he went to rehab, I think, late 2000s. And he seemed like he got way worse because he started drinking a lot of alcohol towards then. And he became a little violent after alcohol. So I'd avoid him, like, at all costs and just avoid the house at all costs. Like, a lot of ignorance going on, you know. um a lot of name calling for my sister my sister liked to call me names a lot i don't know why, but um i just my best to ignore it and just get out of there and um my uncle was pretty helpful too my uncle would always like kind of like uh he kind of like a mentor towards me and like you know talk to me like why the things way things are and stuff like that he's always been like that so like uh i guess like i definitely had some outlets and thank god for that because it just seems like uh they're not a good place to be around now that i i haven't really talked about this stuff in years sorry if i'm kind of like uh being vague you know that's fine, but yeah so and.
[0:14:45] What was your father was it a back injury or knee or.
[0:14:48] A back injury.
[0:14:51] Right, and how long was he on the drugs for?
[0:14:55] Pretty much until he passed away. So he was like, I was six years old, I think. And then he got on, he kind of went through phases where some parts were bad and the others. Then he went to rehab, then he kind of went through an alcoholic phase. Then he eventually just moved out. And in my middle teenage years, he moved out, and I didn't really talk to him until he was on his deathbed. Once he was on the deathbed, I reconnected with him, and I got to re-meet him and stuff like that.
[0:15:33] Sorry, how old were you then?
[0:15:35] 24.
[0:15:36] Oh, gosh, okay. And what did he live on?
[0:15:40] He lived on disability checks, really.
[0:15:44] Oh, just government crap, okay.
[0:15:46] Yeah. Yeah. Well, it goes to show how productive you are. Anyway, yeah, my bad, but I'm going off on the thing. But yeah, you know, that was that. And my uncle was very happy that I reconnected with him. He was very happy because it's like, you know, chances are you're going to be a father one day.
[0:16:05] And, you know, granted, you're not going to like do the stuff he did. But it's cool to know that you reconnected with your father before he passed away instead of kind of just like, you know, saying, goodbye, like, you know, without like saying goodbye, you know.
[0:16:20] And how long was he out of your life for?
[0:16:25] Um that's a good question uh it's hard it's hard because like it's hard to like uh, was he ever like in my life fully you know when i was a little little kid i think he was pretty good um my other brother tells me about the mother brother's five years older than me and he's like uh like you know i wish uh you remember dad as he was before all that happened because you'd take us all out to ice cream and stuff like that um but yeah i think my father left my home, uh, I'd say like nine years, nine, 10 years, maybe.
[0:16:59] And do you know what he was doing? Was he just sort of rotting in a vat of alcohol or what was he doing over that time?
[0:17:04] No, he was, um, I know, dang, this is rough. I should know more. I know he was in, uh, different parts of the country for a little bit and he met a girlfriend and, uh, he was still doing his thing with like opioids. He seemed like he learned how to control it better when I like reconnected with him. And he was like briefly like, you know, walking around. Seemed like he was in like a pretty good mental state. I haven't really seen that side of him before. And I reconnected with him because he was passed away at pancreatic cancer. He had got diagnosed stage 4 and And, yeah, I kind of just, like, I reconnected with them. I got to, like, hang out with them for, like, a few weeks and stuff like that, until I kind of, like, got really, really bad. It happened very quick.
[0:18:03] And, sorry, how long ago was that?
[0:18:05] This is, it's going to be seven years.
[0:18:11] Okay, so pre-COVID.
[0:18:12] Eight years, I'm sorry, eight years, yeah. Yep, pre-COVID, yep.
[0:18:16] Okay all right i'm sorry sorry about all of that that's it's no you're.
[0:18:20] Good you're good.
[0:18:20] I feel.
[0:18:21] Like i'm all over the place and i'm kind of you know.
[0:18:26] No no i'm asking the questions i mean i appreciate you answering them that that gives me some sort of good backdrop and so one of the reasons that i'm asking all of this is because i'm curious if you have innate historical skills, in parenting right so like if if if somebody said to me hey Stef I'm I'm thinking of adopting a kid who only speaks Japanese right I'd say well do you do you know Japanese right and and if you don't that would be kind of negative right and it's kind of tough to learn on the fly and so if you're thinking of adopting a kid my sort of first question is have you had historically, exposure to good parenting practices and it sounds like no absolutely not absolutely not sounds like yeah yeah if i'm wrong no.
[0:19:21] I think you hit the nail on the head you know i uh i've been very i feel like my uh independence kind of saved me a lot in my childhood because i think my parents were kind of uh more negative to say the least um and positive but that being said i still like uh i'm just you know one thing that kind of keeps me awake at night is like uh uh my nephew going into foster care and kind of like you know he's had a rough life so.
[0:19:52] Far sorry to interrupt so so tell me and we'll get to that and i appreciate your patience with these questions Yeah.
[0:19:58] Yeah, yeah.
[0:19:59] So, tell me a little bit about... Was she married to your sister, like the father?
[0:20:06] No.
[0:20:07] Okay, so tell me a bit about her boyfriend.
[0:20:09] Yeah, so I only met him once before the kid was involved. So I never really knew too much about this guy. I knew he was from out of country in the Central America region.
[0:20:29] Sorry, he was Hispanic or white?
[0:20:32] Yeah, yeah, he was Hispanic Hispanic.
[0:20:34] Okay And from where? Guatemala Okay, so Guatemalan guy Okay.
[0:20:40] Go on, And, you know, I heard she was pregnant and stuff like that Then, you know, I didn't really pay too much attention Because I wasn't on, like, the best terms of her, And, you know, after she passed Turns out she had, like, a restraining order against this guy and like she wanted like uh uh nothing to do with him like uh with the kid and stuff like that i'm like oh my goodness of course and you know how long they were together um no i i i think it was uh a few years to be honest before uh the kid got involved so it wasn't like sorry.
[0:21:22] Before the kid got involved that's.
[0:21:24] A pretty funny way.
[0:21:25] To put it you.
[0:21:25] Mean they were together.
[0:21:26] For a few years before she got pregnant.
[0:21:29] Yes correct yes i i apologize sorry it's.
[0:21:33] Fine did you have you didn't have much relationship with her because you only met him once right.
[0:21:37] Yeah i only met him once and um yeah it seemed like he was really quiet didn't say much um never really talked to him and uh Yeah, whenever I talked to her, we didn't really bring him up in conversation, you know?
[0:21:59] Okay, and there's a lot I don't know about this guy. Yeah, I get it. And do you know what happened towards the end of their relationship?
[0:22:08] No, I don't. I assume there's some sort of falling out if she got a restraining order against him, you know.
[0:22:15] Well, that means that he was violent, especially if she was successful, right?
[0:22:19] Right, right. Yeah, yeah, good call, good call. So, yeah, it sounds like he's violent and, you know, hard to be around. And, yeah.
[0:22:31] And, sorry to ask a sort of cliched question, was he in the country legally or illegally that you know of?
[0:22:39] Illegally. And this is another question. This is probably a hard question, like a weird question to ask. So he does have visitations once a week with the kid. And, you know, the state pretty much is, despite all the evidence, in my opinion, that he shouldn't be around, he has 15 months to prove he can, and we're getting close to then the 15 months because he hasn't proven it yet. My mom says...
[0:23:11] Sorry, proven what?
[0:23:13] Proving that he can be a good parent to this child.
[0:23:17] Wait, sorry, the suspect in your sister's murder has to prove that he could be a good parent? Who's in the country illegally?
[0:23:25] I i i i wish i was making that up i called dcf and god can we get some.
[0:23:33] Women out of these positions of authority anyway go on.
[0:23:36] Yeah so my mom suggests that i should call uh ice on him and i i don't know i feel really uncomfortable uh, For one, like, it sounds like it could backfire pretty bad if I want to be part of this kid's life and adopt him. The courts are going to be like, well, it looks like you did. I don't know. I just don't know much about, like, the legality of that is. I'm kind of like in my own little world.
[0:24:03] Yeah, I mean, obviously, I can't give you much advice on that. It just seems odd. She had a restraining order against him, and it was proven. It was, I guess it was granted, which means that there was evidence that he was violent towards her. is in the country illegally he's a suspect in her murder again i don't mean to overly stereotype things but i can't imagine there'd be too many men who'd be like yeah let's keep this guy in the kid's life this sounds great.
[0:24:26] Um it's been kind of nightmarish uh and like yeah i just um i don't know i just think the best path for moving forward is trying to like uh i talked to dcf twice so far once i got really like angry with them the second time like i was kind of like hey like you know um you know what's the chance of like uh me adopting him and they were like you know very very polite towards me and saying like you know it's very realistic like he only has okay hang on so so.
[0:24:59] Before we before we get to all of that i'm sorry to.
[0:25:01] Appreciate the patience.
[0:25:02] Let's just have a couple of more background.
[0:25:03] You're good it's okay questions.
[0:25:05] Okay so she's with this guy for a couple of years.
[0:25:08] Yep they.
[0:25:10] Have a rocky relationship he's.
[0:25:12] Violent it.
[0:25:14] Sounds like and she gets a restraining order and where does the pregnancy of the kid show up relative to the restraining order from i assume violence.
[0:25:23] Uh i i assume the restraining order happened after uh the pregnancy um Only because I learned about the restraining order after the passing away and the child is, he was two at the time.
[0:25:44] Okay, so you only learned about the restraining order when the kid was two, and the restraining order was put in shortly after the kid's birth, is that right?
[0:25:53] I assume so. My mother and my sister love to keep me out of the loop of things, you know? So that's something I've been trying to, like, figure out more stuff on timelines. But then again, it's hard to talk to people about this because that's, I guess, the nature of the situation.
[0:26:18] Okay, got it. All right. And sorry, just remind me how long ago your sister passed?
[0:26:25] Yeah, it was last July. July.
[0:26:31] Okay. Now, was this fellow, I assume as a suspect, he wouldn't have an alibi, right? Because if he had an alibi, he wouldn't, like if he was in Guatemala or something, then he wouldn't be a suspect. At least I assume that. So I assume that he was still around or in some proximity to your sister.
[0:26:49] Yeah. So, um, I talked to the detective after it happened and, um, he, you know, the, he had a restraining order and stuff like that. And I guess he like, uh, walked in on the apartment when it happened and told, you know, we called 911, got the police there, but the police were like, you know, how are you here? This makes no sense. and um i don't know what it's like to think of that like if he like you know had some sort of involvement or or knew what's going on or whatever or checking on his son um whatever, but um i talked to my uncle about that i was like what the heck is it like to think about that and you're like well you know the kid was like alone for like over a day or that this is what they're determining chance. I know it's a nightmare. And you know, um, there's a good chance like if he didn't like walk into that place, like you know, the kid could have dehydrated, he did something could have happened to the child. So like, that's a good way to think about that. Like maybe he like helped the child's life by like being there that day. And yeah.
[0:27:58] Okay, got it. Yes, all right. So, and how old are you?
[0:28:03] I'm turning 32 this year.
[0:28:05] And do you have a girlfriend or a wife?
[0:28:09] No, I just ended things with this woman not too long ago, but I don't have a girlfriend or a wife. So I think I'd be stepping into like a single fatherhood position, unfortunately.
[0:28:22] And do you want to have a wife and to get married? Absolutely. To have a wife and have kids.
[0:28:29] I would love nothing more to have a family, you know, and, you know, do things right. And I think it'd be a really cool thing to do, a really great thing to do.
[0:28:41] Would you say, I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'm not even going to try. Would you say that your sister was smart or not so smart?
[0:28:50] The latter.
[0:28:52] Right. I would say so, right?
[0:28:54] Yes, absolutely. It's a fair assumption, and, like, you only know of her through, you know, I can tell stories. You know what I mean? I'm not going to, but my sister's not that smart.
[0:29:08] Okay, got it, got it. And I guess you don't know much about the father, right, other than he's Hispanic from Guatemala, right?
[0:29:18] Yeah, I don't know too much. I know he was a line cook at a restaurant. Other than that, not really. Not too much.
[0:29:31] Okay. And do you know if there are any indications that the father is intelligent or has high intelligence?
[0:29:42] That's a good question. Okay. I wouldn't know. I'm going to assume not.
[0:29:51] Yeah, I mean, it doesn't sound like... And of course, if he was intelligent, then it would be unlikely that he would be in this position with your sister, right?
[0:30:02] Yes, that's a good... I wasn't going to say it, but yeah, I'd say that's correct.
[0:30:09] And I would assume you have somebody who listens to the show, you're into this kind of call, so I would assume that you're fairly smart.
[0:30:19] I think so. I've done, I'm not going to lie, I have to be very grateful with my life. I've somehow gotten into a really good job. You know, I moved cross-country a few times, and I've met great people. One of my best friends recommended this call. And, yeah, I don't think I'm, like, you know, some genius-level guy, but I like to think I've gotten some good opportunities in my life, And I definitely did well, I guess you could say.
[0:30:51] Okay, fantastic. All right. So, your sister, not smart. Guatemalan guy, not smart. Look, how blunt do you want me to be? I mean, if you're not particularly knowledgeable about this show, then I don't know how blunt you want me to be.
[0:31:08] Rip the band-aid off.
[0:31:09] Okay. Uh, so it's likely, I would guess that the kids, uh, so by, by our sort of middle eight teens, IQ is 80% genetic.
[0:31:23] And it only, in a sense, gets more genetic after more time, right? So likelihood is that the kid is going to be low to mid-80s.
[0:31:38] Okay.
[0:31:40] And I would put yours roughly at 115, 120, something like that. So you're like a long way away. You're like more than two standard deviations.
[0:31:53] Yeah.
[0:31:54] Oh, wait. Again, this is just... I'm just giving you rough averages. There's no certainty in any of these things, but we have to kind of take our guesstimates from this kind of stuff.
[0:32:05] Understandable.
[0:32:07] So... Well, let's look at your life in particular. Let me ask you another question just before we get to that. Why is it falling on you? There are a lot of people around, a lot of women around in your family. Like, why would it fall to some bachelor dude?
[0:32:27] My mother seems to want him, but my stepfather doesn't want to adopt him. And my stepfather's retired. My mom is, you know, heading towards that direction in the next year or so. But he just does not want the kid to adopt the kid. And I'm very annoyed. My older brother also wants him. And I think that's great. But my older brother lives out of the country in Ireland. and I don't know what the deal is as far as DCF, but they're saying it's very hard for them to transfer a kid out of the country in order to adopt him. So I'm just paranoid what's going to happen to this kid's future. He's three years old. He's already been through so much. And I'm just trying to figure out a good plan. And I don't know. I don't know what to actually do. Um, but, you know, maybe... If I could adopt him. Ah, if I could adopt him.
[0:33:33] Hang on, hang on. So let's go back. Yeah, and the reason I'm saying this, so national average IQ estimates for Guatemala are like 79 to 78 to 82. Now, just for your rough benchmarking, and again, we don't know, of course, but just like what this kid's like could be some super genius for all I know, but in general, we have to go with averages, right?
[0:33:56] Yes.
[0:33:57] And so IQ 78 to 82, they're never really going to be functional in a modern economy.
[0:34:05] Yeah.
[0:34:06] I mean, this is the, you know, the American military is happy to have some, as is all the military, some dunderheads around. Because, you know, the old rule in the military, like if it moves, move it. If it doesn't move, paint it. They don't need super bright people for all areas of the military. and even the U.S. military can't figure out what to do with anybody with an IQ of 82 or 83 or below. Like there's nothing that they could find of any use for them to do. So if it is the case, and again, we don't know for sure, but if it is the case that the kid has an IQ that is two or more standard deviations below you, then you're probably taking on a lifelong burden.
[0:34:48] Yeah. Yeah.
[0:34:52] And if there are elements of aggression that are also inherited, then you're going to end up with a not-so-smart, very aggressive person in your life for the next 50 fucking years.
[0:35:09] Yeah, my sister also, I just remember this, my sister told me, like, he has a problem biting people in daycare.
[0:35:17] Sure.
[0:35:18] Yeah, not so...
[0:35:20] And traumatized.
[0:35:22] Right, he's been through a crazy amount of things already, and...
[0:35:27] And he's three, right?
[0:35:28] Yeah, he's three years old.
[0:35:30] Okay, is he closer to four or closer to three?
[0:35:34] He's turning... closer to three.
[0:35:37] Okay, got it. Yeah. And so even if it takes another six to 12 months to get the adoption or whatever's going on, I don't know. Like, so you're going to get the kid with a lot of trauma and probably not super smart. And, and his personality is going to be largely set in stone.
[0:35:59] Yes.
[0:36:00] Now, are you a Christian man or a religious man?
[0:36:05] Um, I guess I'd consider myself agnostic. Okay.
[0:36:09] Right. And the reason I'm saying that is Christians and adoption is often not the most rational pursuit. And again, I'm not putting you in the Christian category because you're not. But just in general, I would say that Christians, of course, believe that there's a soul inside the person that somehow transcends all of their earthly experiences. This is not factual, right? And our brains are shaped by our environment and our genetics. And there's free will, but not at the age of three or four, really.
[0:36:38] Yeah, nature, nurture, free will.
[0:36:40] Yeah, so there's no perfect little kid in there that you could reach with the love that you bring to bear.
[0:36:47] Right.
[0:36:48] You're going to take the kid as he is, highly traumatized, a terrible infancy in childhood. A violent father, he may have seen his father beat his mother. He may have seen your mother be violent. There may have been drugs, alcohol, God knows what. And then, of course, he may have seen his father kill his mother if the general theories or the general possibilities turn out to be validated that he is more than a suspect, but actually a murderer. so this is a huge huge burden that even if he were not traumatized would be a hell of a thing to take on he is traumatized and he already is showing signs of significant aggression and dysfunction such as biting children which is you know not particularly great at any age it's three plus and then by the time you get perhaps some custody and control over him you know you can you can mold the clay when it's wet. You can't mold the clay when it's baked.
[0:37:52] Right, right. Yeah, you're going to strike the iron when it's hot. And, you know, a lot of stuff has already happened. And, you know, it's... By the time...
[0:38:01] And he's genetically very distant from you, just so you understand that, right?
[0:38:05] Right, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. My father's family is from Canada. My mom's from Ireland. And, you know, I have no...
[0:38:14] Yeah, I mean, you'd be genetically closer to the average white person around the world than you would to this person. Now, this doesn't mean that he's not family. It doesn't mean that you don't have, you know, this care for him. And I get and understand all of that. I'm just trying to give you the blunt facts of the situation. And obviously, I can't tell you what to do. And you shouldn't listen to me, even if I was so, so foolish as to tell you what to do. But I'm just trying to give you as many bold facts.
[0:38:39] Yeah, you are. I am thinking of things that I haven't thought about things like that. And, um, it is, it is true, unfortunately, you know, I do, I, I want reality to be different, but reality is reality, whether I want it to be one way or the other.
[0:38:56] Well, so, so here's, here's the question, I think. First of all, who is the most responsible who's still alive for the existence of this little boy?
[0:39:09] Oh, that's a good question. who is the most responsible still alive for the existence of this little boy um.
[0:39:18] I mean it's not you right i mean you barely had any contact with your sister yeah yeah i mean oh.
[0:39:26] That's a great question i think my mother like my mother would be.
[0:39:29] Yes that's right yeah yeah because your mother raised your sister yes oh and so she instilled in her particular values or non-values or particular morals or non-morals. And she was, as a mother, responsible for the psycho, sorry to use this phraseology, but the psychosexual development of your sister was the responsibility of your mother. And if your sister made bad decisions, of course, she was an adult and so on, but the person most responsible for the development of your sister was your mother. And if your sister made bad decisions, then the person who would be the most responsible was, for those bad decisions other than your sister would be your mother so she got to take the kid.
[0:40:15] Yeah it's just it's a weird situation it's just uh the stepfather just wants
[0:40:20] nothing to do with the kid and then you know it's it is.
[0:40:23] Well but that's that's your mother's job to fix yeah that's not your job to fix like you were not responsible for raising your sister you had no authority no control no legal stature you are not an adult raising your sister it does not fall on you absolutely that just really i mean again this from a moral standpoint this is really important it does not fall on you yeah thank you you are not responsible for this yeah.
[0:40:56] So yeah i don't know i feel like i've been my own worst enemy and i've kind of been saying to myself well Like, if I don't step forward, no one else will. And I feel like I've been telling myself I have an obligation to.
[0:41:08] Listen, and I appreciate this about you. I get a strong sense, of course, of responsibility and so on. But you're just giving yourself orders.
[0:41:17] Right. Okay.
[0:41:18] The right thing to do is blah. I have no choice. I must do the right thing.
[0:41:24] Right.
[0:41:25] And, you know, bro, you've got free will and you've got to analyze this from an ethical standpoint, a moral standpoint. If it is important to step up and do the right thing, then that's your mother's job. She raised your sister. It would be your father's job too, but he's dead. Your sister is the most responsible, but she's dead. We can't really count on the Guatemalan guy because he's violent and in the country illegally, as you say. So it is up to your mother. Now, if your mother says, well, my husband doesn't want this, the correct answer to that is.
[0:42:06] Oh, you're asking me? Sorry. Well, if I was my mother, I'd ask my husband how much he loves me, you know? And if he doesn't want the kid around, obviously, he doesn't love me that much. So I'd figure out my own path, you know, without him, if that's that big of a deal.
[0:42:29] Yeah, I mean, what does it matter? What the stepfather... I mean, how long have this guy and your mom been together?
[0:42:38] Since 2012.
[0:42:40] Okay. So, yeah, a couple of years, so 14 years. So, it doesn't fundamentally matter what he does or doesn't want.
[0:42:49] Right.
[0:42:50] I mean, this is her grandchild, right?
[0:42:55] Yes, absolutely.
[0:42:57] And your mother, as far as I understand it, and obviously correct me if I'm wrong about any of this, but your mother was in touch with your sister during this period. They weren't estranged or not talking or no contact, were they?
[0:43:11] No, no. My mother and sister have always been very close.
[0:43:15] Excellent. Okay. So your mother knew all about this guy, and assumed did not intervene particularly forcefully to save your sister from no contact or the Guatemalan guy.
[0:43:31] Yeah. Correct.
[0:43:33] Okay. So your sister was in contact, sorry, your mother was in contact with your sister and your mother did not intervene strongly enough that we know of to protect your sister from this man, right? This guy who was violent.
[0:43:51] That's correct. Yeah. I didn't think about it like that. Yes. That's a good point.
[0:43:56] And so, that's your mother's responsibility.
[0:44:00] Right. Absolutely.
[0:44:01] It would be like if I had an aunt who was close to someone in the family, and I was traveling for a couple of years and didn't know what was going on, and the aunt saw some big tumor developing on the face of this person and was around them all the time. And then it would be the aunt's job to get them to treatment, not mine, because I'm in the middle of the jungle and don't get to talk to anyone, right? So it wouldn't be my job.
[0:44:32] Right. Yeah, that's true.
[0:44:34] So it was your mother's job since she was in contact with your sister. and therefore it is her husband's job as well because her husband through his wife through your mother was also in the orbit of and in contact with your sister yeah and did they and i don't know you i don't know how much in contact
[0:45:01] with your mother you are these days is it are you close or medium or uh.
[0:45:05] I'd say uh medium medium to low it's uh it's been hard because uh i get the feeling that i uh and a lot information is being uh left out when she talks to me about a lot.
[0:45:18] Of things sure well she probably doesn't want to admit to too much.
[0:45:22] Yeah that's true that's true.
[0:45:25] Okay, so the existence of the boy falls on your mother and your stepfather.
[0:45:34] Yes.
[0:45:36] They raised your sister and they were in contact with her and close to her for years while she was dating and having sex with this Guatemalan fellow. Yes. So that's on them.
[0:45:49] Yeah.
[0:45:50] And so saying, I don't want to have anything to do with the boy is ridiculous. I mean, it's for the stepfather.
[0:45:59] Yeah, yeah. I agree. I agree. I don't know. I mean, I don't know what the plan is to move foreign.
[0:46:10] Oh, no. Hang on. Hang on. I'm afraid we're doing philosophy here, so we're not at the planning stages. I'm sorry.
[0:46:17] You're right.
[0:46:17] This is all the mapping stages, right?
[0:46:21] You're right.
[0:46:22] All right. So let's look at your life. How long were you with the girl you just broke up with?
[0:46:28] Only a few months, November to when I go back, March. And then we're a long distance for a little while. But yeah, you know, I don't think she was who I thought she was, you know? So we're kind of getting to...
[0:46:47] Okay, so what are you doing in your 30s having stupid flings when you want to settle down and have kids?
[0:46:54] Yeah, I don't know, I guess being ridiculous.
[0:46:58] No, no, I'm not trying to insult you. I just want to know what is your thinking here?
[0:47:04] I guess I just didn't see who she really was. She was a little bit older, and I thought...
[0:47:10] Hang on, hang on. How old was she?
[0:47:15] 37.
[0:47:16] Bro.
[0:47:17] Ah, my...
[0:47:18] Bro! You're killing me here. Did you ever take biology just out of curiosity? Hey, let me ask you something. Have you ever taken a fridge and you're like, gee, I'd really like some eggs. And you open them and you're like, oh my God, these things are foul. My eyes are watering.
[0:47:34] What are you doing?
[0:47:35] You want to have a family and you're starting a relationship with a woman who's 37?
[0:47:40] Yeah. Yeah. It's a little too ridiculous.
[0:47:42] Why don't you just go straight to the mummy's tomb and bang a pile of dust?
[0:47:48] Yeah. It wasn't a good idea. Yeah, I just, um.
[0:47:54] So what do you, hang on, just help me understand, like, if you want kids, look, there's not a date of 37-year-old, whatever, right?
[0:48:02] Yeah.
[0:48:02] But if you're just starting a relationship out with a woman who's 37, it's going to take you a year to get to know each other. Maybe you get married six months later and you start, like, she's 38, 39, and you're just trying to start to have kids where you're looking at 1.5 to 2.5% chance just to get pregnant every month, let alone bring to term. So just help me understand. I mean, unless you just want one kid, maybe?
[0:48:25] I want more. But my coworker, he's 40, his girlfriend's 30, or wife's 39. They had a kid last year. And I was like, yeah, you know, maybe it's, you know, it's the modern day. We have a lot of stuff going on. Maybe it's not, you know.
[0:48:40] No, no, there's no technology that's magic for this kind of stuff. Eggs are eggs. They just age, right?
[0:48:46] Yeah.
[0:48:46] So... What was it either that was particularly appealing about her or that you consider unappealing about you that you would pursue that course?
[0:49:00] Dang, how do I say that? Well, I thought she was very attractive.
[0:49:05] Was she pretty?
[0:49:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was very attractive. And it seemed like she was very easy to get along with in the beginning.
[0:49:15] And then you're like, wow, this is the deal of a lifetime.
[0:49:19] Wow this woman.
[0:49:21] Who's the greatest woman around has mysteriously remained single for over 20 years i.
[0:49:27] Wonder why yeah so um yeah it was i seemed like it was going pretty good in the beginning then i took this road job i'm out in the middle of the country right now and uh it seemed like it was going well then um uh we hung out we i visited her a few times last time i went to visit her um i had a wedding i was going to for my co-workers and this is before i met her i rsvc for one i was trying to get her to come and uh my co-worker was like uh try to bring her to um.
[0:50:04] Uh uh the party uh beforehand and uh i brought her i was trying to bring her to this uh a little like dancing club and she's like sid just doesn't want to go then i was like we kind of little miniature argument that i wanted to bring her to uh the steam park the next day because all my co-workers they all go to this this theme park before the wedding and i was trying to get her to come to that and she didn't want to go either and i was like all this is ridiculous like i have to go it's like my my co-workers wedding so i did that and um then i tried making plans with her to go to the zoo uh that sunday and she didn't want to go and i was i was i was kind of like uh sorry to the zoo yeah well i was trying to make plans with her because like she's trying to make it sound like uh i'm giving all my co-workers attention but it's for a wedding sorry is she is.
[0:50:58] She mentally challenged why would you take a 37 year old woman to the zoo if you're trying.
[0:51:03] To figure out.
[0:51:03] If she'd be a good life partner hey here's an impala should be.
[0:51:06] Yeah sorry i guess i i love animals so i that's something i i guess i was maybe being a little selfish that's something i really wanted to do um but yeah i just want to get uh take around like cool little dates and stuff like that and uh it seemed like it wasn't working out.
[0:51:24] She just didn't want to do stuff.
[0:51:26] Yeah. Yeah, she didn't. And, um...
[0:51:29] And sorry, you said it was long distance. I mean, how far are we talking?
[0:51:34] Um, so, uh, like how far away? Like miles?
[0:51:39] Well, just roughly, yeah. Like five states over, next state, ten states?
[0:51:43] Yeah, I'd say, let's say, uh... Let's say, like, six or seven states away, you know?
[0:51:48] Okay, so it's a flight.
[0:51:50] Yeah, yep. Yeah, and I get free flights home every three weeks.
[0:51:56] The reality is that if you're starting to date a woman who's 37 and it's long distance, you're screwed.
[0:52:05] Yeah.
[0:52:06] Because if you're going to date a woman who's 37 and you want to have kids, then you've got to move fast. But you can't move fast if it's long distance.
[0:52:15] Right. Yeah, I definitely shoot myself in the foot. at least for the foot for now. Yeah, so it didn't work out. And if we're being honest, I'm kind of thinking about it. I was like, yeah, you know, it's probably way for the better, you know.
[0:52:33] Sorry, say again?
[0:52:34] It's probably for the better. It didn't work out, you know, because her age and I think her personality was kind of, it seemed like it was like a little different once I got to know her than when I first started hanging out with her, if that makes sense.
[0:52:50] Okay. And sorry, it ended, you said, was it just recently, like a couple of months ago?
[0:52:55] Yeah, yeah. It was in March. I ended in March.
[0:53:00] And sorry, when did you find, and you've been concerned since last summer about your nephew, right?
[0:53:07] Yes, correct.
[0:53:08] Okay. Do you think that might have had anything to do with her cooling off?
[0:53:15] What do you mean, I'm sorry? Like her cooling off?
[0:53:19] Yeah. I mean, let's say you have a son.
[0:53:24] Yeah.
[0:53:25] And, no, let's say you have a daughter, right? Yep. And let's say your daughter's dating this guy, and she's like, yeah, he's a cool guy, but his sister might have just got murdered, and he might end up with custody of this kid who bites people.
[0:53:40] Yeah.
[0:53:41] What would you say to your daughter?
[0:53:43] Are you freaking crazy?
[0:53:44] Run! Despawn! Dematerialize! Hit the back rooms!
[0:53:51] Yeah, that's all.
[0:53:53] And that's my point. So my point is what is it going to do to your dating prospects, to have semi-feral bitey boy on the premises?
[0:54:04] It's probably going to destroy it.
[0:54:07] You're going to be destroyed, man.
[0:54:08] Yeah. I know.
[0:54:12] Why would your familial future be destroyed by your parents and your sister's terrible choices.
[0:54:23] All right that's a good way of putting it um yeah yeah i i i'd be kind of stupid to let that happen.
[0:54:30] Considering i can you have your own kid or your own suite of two to four to five or however many you want why wouldn't you have your own kids with a good quality women a good quality woman that you choose right rather than inheriting this you know tragically broken and you know quite possibly not very smart kid that was the result of your mother your stepfather and your sister's bad choices Right.
[0:55:03] Right. Yeah. That is really dumb if I inherit, if I do that.
[0:55:10] Well, you know, right or wrong, good or bad, I just want you to know the consequences. Right. The consequences are that a quality woman... will not date you because a quality woman won't want that variable any more than you would, right? If you were dating some woman and she's like, oh yeah, you know, I inherited the kid of my sibling who died this weird, mysterious death and maybe the dad's involved and the kid's kind of feral and like he's a biter. Would you want to get involved in that for the next 50 years?
[0:55:43] No, no, I'd run away. I'd say no. Right.
[0:55:47] So, again, we just have to look at sort of the brutal reality that if you take this burden on, your dating options shrink to almost zero.
[0:56:01] Yeah.
[0:56:02] And your opportunity to form a healthy family will just disappear.
[0:56:09] Yeah.
[0:56:11] And why should that be your burden? You didn't cause it. You didn't make it. You didn't make these choices. In fact, if your sister had ever called you up and said, hey, I'm dating this pretty violent Guatemalan fellow. Should I have a child with him? What would you have said?
[0:56:27] No. Oh, I'm sorry to say names.
[0:56:29] That's all right.
[0:56:31] We'll figure that out. Absolutely no.
[0:56:33] Absolutely no. Right. You'd have told her no. Right. So she had this child against your good advice. right now the great thing i gotta tell you i know this is harsh right so but you know this is sort of man to man we can we can put aside sentimentality because we're men right so, like the harsh truth is that if people don't ask your advice you are not responsible for their bad decisions.
[0:57:06] This is a good way of putting it.
[0:57:08] No no you gotta you gotta net this shit into your Let's just say your bone marrow, right? But you've got to add the shit into your bone marrow, man. If your sister never asked you your advice, well, that's for a good reason. Because if she'd have said, hey, there's this guy, he's in the country, I think he's illegal and he's kind of violent. Should I date him? You would have said.
[0:57:28] No, no, no, no.
[0:57:31] Right. So we have to be strict about this stuff.
[0:57:36] Right.
[0:57:37] You know, if I have some, again, let's go back to this eponymous uncle, right? So if I have some uncle who is a chain smoker, right? Like two packs a day, three packs a day or whatever. And I say to him, hey, you know, Uncle Bob, man, you got to stop smoking, man. This is really, they're coughing nails. It's going to get you killed, right? This is terrible.
[0:57:57] Yeah.
[0:57:58] And he, nah, I'm fine. You know, my grandfather smoked and he lived to be 90, whatever. He does just keep smoking, right? then am I obligated, to take him in when he's sick.
[0:58:13] Oh, I see what you're saying, because part of me wants, like, I know the answer is obviously no. You said you were advocating against the smoking, and therefore you shouldn't be responsible. That's his consequences, not yours.
[0:58:27] Right.
[0:58:28] But I do also see, like, how, you know, I'd drive myself nuts and be like, oh, my God, it's my uncle. Should I freaking be a good person? But I see your point that...
[0:58:38] Well, no, hang on, hang on. Let's look at the larger picture. Are you being a good person by picking up the pieces of other people's bad decisions at the expense of the quality and success of your life?
[0:58:55] No, you wouldn't be the hero of your life. You'd be the destroyer of your life.
[0:59:00] You'd be a villain in a way.
[0:59:02] Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, you'd be a villain for yourself.
[0:59:06] I'll just sort of give you my own, so you know I've got some skin in the game. This isn't just theoretical. My mother had very bad mental health habits, let's just say, right? She was really into mysticism and all kinds of woo-woo voodoo stuff and all of this. And I kept telling her, this is not healthy for you. You've got to think more rationally. You've got to think more clearly. I'm happy to teach you how. I've been studying philosophy since I was in my mid-teens. Like, here's how to have clear thinking, but you've got to let go of all of this woo-woo stuff. It's really bad for you. And she wouldn't let go of it. She wanted to hold on to this weird, mystical woo-woo stuff, and it ended up kind of wrecking her in the long run, because she became more isolated in her own delusions. Now, have I taken my mother in? I have not.
[0:59:51] Okay.
[0:59:53] Because I gave her good advice, and the beautiful thing about life, the beautiful thing about life, and I genuinely mean this, it's a beautiful thing, people are perfectly free to reject good advice.
[1:00:06] Right.
[1:00:07] Did you ever say to your sister, maybe you could keep better company?
[1:00:13] Yeah. I mean, I definitely criticized her friend group, you know, growing up because, you know, before we went to different schools, you know, our school was kind of like local to like just like the roads around us. That makes sense of that. And, you know, the friend she had was a family friend, you know, belonged to a family that was friends of ours. and it was great, but once we hit middle school and more of her towns got involved, she kind of went her own path. It seems like she willingly chose, worse and worse friends. I don't know what happened.
[1:00:54] Well, she just didn't want to. be around people who made better decisions, because then she would have to make better decisions.
[1:01:03] Right, right.
[1:01:04] So, again, it's obviously impossible to plumb the minds of the dead with any particular detail, but people are, this is my particular approach, I think it's rational, you can tell me, of course, if you disagree, just because I say it certainly doesn't make it right, but I give good advice to people. At least, I think I give good advice to people. I certainly have had a billion views and downloads of people who find my advice valuable, so I think it's pretty decent. I tried to reason from first principles, all kind of stuff. So I give pretty good advice to people, and I was giving advice to people long before I became a public figure. So I give pretty good advice to people. And people are perfectly free to say, Stef, you're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. I don't believe you. You're wrong. You're an idiot. You're this, you're that, whatever, right? Okay, that's, you know, hey, man, that's the beauty of free will is people who are drowning are perfectly free. To ignore the lifeboat, the life raft, the lifesaver. They're perfectly free to reject the outstretched hand to help them. Perfectly free.
[1:02:12] Right, right.
[1:02:12] And freedom for them is liberation for me. We give good advice to people because hopefully they'll take it and their lives will be improved.
[1:02:22] And if they don't take it, we get to not give a shit.
[1:02:26] Yeah.
[1:02:27] Anymore. That's the price of rejection. good advice is rejecting help afterwards. If I say to someone, you should lose weight, you're really obese.
[1:02:42] Right?
[1:02:43] And they're like, no, I'm healthy at any size. Don't be fat phobic, whatever it is. Whatever. They sort of insult me. Body positivity, whatever, right? And then they get sick. What is my responsibility if they have not only rejects... See, people don't just reject your good advice. They mock you.
[1:03:05] Yeah, that's true. That's true.
[1:03:07] Because it's not, you know... I mean, sure, when you said to your sister maybe you could keep better company... What, did she call you racist or something? Did she mock and attack you for your good advice?
[1:03:16] Yeah, no, I was dealt with very nasty comments. You know, it's just, yeah.
[1:03:25] Oh, you just don't like my friends because they're black. And it's like, no, no, no, man, you're friends with Thomas Sowell? I'm thrilled. I don't care about the skin color. I care about the general negativity of the environment.
[1:03:36] Yeah, yeah. And, you know, if you're friends with violent people or people that, you know, are known to cause trouble, like, I don't know what you're doing. But, you know, of course, I'm the bad guy for pointing that out.
[1:03:47] Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're just so judgmental. And, you know, people are struggling and the heart's in the right place. And so you get mocked and attacked for your good advice. And that is, I'm telling you, man, that is liberation right there. If people mock and attack you For your good advice Then you are Released From any and all Obligation.
[1:04:12] Right, That's a few ways of putting it.
[1:04:16] No no it's really really important I mean this is more than just you This is the whole west at the moment It's like hey we're kind of wealthy Because we followed some good moral principles And all the other cultures are like, We want a piece of your wealth It's like, no, we already gave you the good advice. You didn't take it.
[1:04:35] Now, of course, people say.
[1:04:38] Ah, yes, but the child is not responsible, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Of course, the child is not responsible. But your mother and your stepfather, they are responsible because they, well, they raised her to a large degree. And certainly your mother did and your stepfather less so. But they were in constant contact with her since 2012. Right. For the last 14 years, your stepfather has been in constant contact with your sister, right?
[1:05:05] Right. Absolutely.
[1:05:07] So they're involved, and you gave her good advice. And there's a certain strictness because, you know, we feel helpless when we give good advice, when people don't just reject it, but mock and attack us. Like I've been giving good advice to the world for like over 20 years. And, you know, I get mocked and attacked fairly regularly, which is fine. You know, again, people are free to be assholes. You know, we are an asshole-enabled free will society. You are totally free to mock and reject and attack and slander people giving you good advice. That's fine. And freedom to choose is choosing the consequences. And the consequence of if you give someone good advice, and not only do they not listen, but they roll their eyes, mock and attack you, and insult you, is you no longer... in fact you have to not give a shit about the consequences you have to right because there are people in your life who do listen to your good counsel just as i'm sure there are people you listen to their good counsel and we should give those people respect and people who mark and attack us yeah i.
[1:06:17] Consider uh good advice like legitimate good advice it's a gift you know uh if someone's like you know willing to look out for you and like actually you know tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear.
[1:06:29] And i agree with you and my my point just to sort of reinforce that or to perhaps repeat to the point of absurdity is that it is also a great gift when people don't listen to your good advice because you are released from obligation correct.
[1:06:44] Okay very good correct.
[1:06:45] You know like you've got a friend he's he puts his life savings into some crypto shitcoin, right? And you say to him, man, this is a bad idea. Right? It's the hawk to a girl or whatever. It's a bad idea.
[1:07:00] Yeah.
[1:07:01] And you say, here's why you shouldn't do it. And he's like, oh, man, you just don't know how to take risks. You're never going to be wealthy. I know what I'm doing. You're just scared. And he just insults you, right? And then he loses all his money. And then he says, hey, man, listen, I need to borrow 5K. I need 5,000 bucks. What do you say?
[1:07:21] Hell no. Get away from me.
[1:07:24] Right. Say, listen, man, you're totally free to not just reject my good advice, but insult me for trying to help you. You're totally free to do that. But if you think you're getting 5K out of me, you're dreaming.
[1:07:37] That's a good analogy. That's a good analogy.
[1:07:40] Now, again, I know that we're talking about an actual human being, but you have to look out for yourself, especially because you're in an age where if you're going to have a family, you've got to move now, not later. This is why I was impressing upon you the urgency of not getting involved with some unvetted 37-year-old long-distance hottie. That is a bad call. I'm trying to give you some good advice here, which is you have to date with intention to marry. Absolutely. Now, dating with intention to marry is choosing a woman based on what? Fundamental standard. Because with the 37-year-old hottie, it was your boss. What other standard could we be working with?
[1:08:28] I guess intelligence. I want an intellectual woman. I want women who can have kids. I apologize for the specific answer you're looking for. I guess my brain. That's the standard you're looking for?
[1:08:45] I mean, there are lots of people who are intelligent and bad people. So, my argument would be that you want to choose a woman as if your future children get the deciding vote, because you are choosing not just a bride for your bed, but a mother for your children. So, you're looking for skills of motherhood. Now, if you look at the 37-year-old in hindsight, was she going to be a good mother to your children?
[1:09:17] I guess based on the track record of you know her not already doing it I assume not.
[1:09:27] Well, she hated going to the zoo and do a theme park, right?
[1:09:32] Yeah.
[1:09:33] That's true. So she probably wouldn't have been, and maybe that's why you wanted to take her to the zoo. I mean, so maybe I retract my earlier statement. But you choose a woman when you want to found a family based upon her abilities and qualities as a mother. Is she going to be warm, loving, affectionate, consistent, stable, virtuous, moral? She's going to be able to have good moral rules and inspire children to virtue, right? And if you were to, again, look at that woman, the 37-year-old, through the lens of what makes a good mother, was there any evidence that she would have made a great mother for your children?
[1:10:22] Uh yeah based on really actually based on really getting to know her i'd say it could be very bad you know if she like wants to be argumentative and um yeah yeah i guess i won't go into detail but i don't i don't think so after like you know that's what you have to yeah that's what you have to choose.
[1:10:41] And select for and the problem is of course if a woman is very keen to be a good mother she likely doesn't make it to her late 30s unattached.
[1:10:53] Yeah, good insight, yeah.
[1:10:56] So you've got to look for mid-late 20s, and the higher the quality of woman, the more choice she has, and the less likely she is to choose you if you've adopted a semi-feral half Guatemalan kid.
[1:11:13] Right, right. I'm setting myself up for failure in terms of my own love life, in terms of starting a family if I do this.
[1:11:21] Fine-haired like go try and get a job where you say hey you know i want four months off every year, now i mean if you're some super productive if you're steve jobs they'll say hey man no problem or jeff bezos or whoever yeah yeah yeah you can you can get your you can get your four months off a year but you know if you're just the average person then then you can't right they'll just say No, we're going to choose the person who doesn't, right? So does a woman who wants to be a good mother want to, however she might sympathize with your nephew's situation, which, you know, everyone does, of course, right? But a woman who wants to be a great mother, is she going to want to take over your sister's child and raise him?
[1:12:10] Probably not because she wants her own children and she's she doesn't want to know or think she's getting uh uh like i already uh i hate to call him a bad egg you know i mean i hate saying.
[1:12:24] Well she wants to control the variables yeah right so one of the things that's really important about being a parent is you can control the variables right so uh you know if if if i have a son i can choose to not circumcise him i can you know we can make as a family the choice to breastfeed our children which gives them better immune systems and higher intelligence and so on so you can and you you're gentle and reasonable and you play with the kids so you control the variables right right and right if you are adopting a child particularly one who's been raised in a very chaotic and difficult environment and violent environment then a woman who's got brains which just what you want you want intelligent woman and i agree with that of course she's going to look at that and say well hang on so he comes with a kid who's severely traumatized yes i don't control any of the variables and i can't fix him.
[1:13:16] Yeah i think it's pretty easy for her to say she without her she's a man where they can start family and they can't control the variables where there's no traumatized kid that has biting problems and comes from, you know, has Guatemalan. I'm not trying to be mean, but like low IQ people.
[1:13:44] But a biracial kid, and again, I say this with all sympathy and respect and to some degree sorrow, biracial kids on the whole, on the average. There's tons and tons of exceptions, but biracial kids, on the average, have more identity issues, more mental health issues, because they don't quite know where they fit in.
[1:14:06] Right. Yeah.
[1:14:08] So that's another variable that is just tough. Now, if you were, you know, like Uber chat billionaire guy, then, you know, maybe she would find a way to overlook that. But I mean, you're not, by the way, neither am I, right? But I mean, we're just guys. And so you have to have something to make up for that negative. And the way that you would look at it to really get it into your skin and bones is there some nice woman you meet, but she's in the process of adopting a severely traumatized biracial kid from her sister who might have been murdered. And the guy who might have killed her sister is still trying to get custody and is still in the environment. What are you going to say?
[1:14:55] Right.
[1:14:56] Situation.
[1:14:57] I'd say that is a shitty situation. I don't want to be part of that.
[1:15:01] Right.
[1:15:02] And I don't want to. Yeah. Yeah.
[1:15:04] Right. So, that's the reality. Now, I doubt, I don't know for sure, obviously, I just have to put these caveats in. I know you're smart enough, obviously, to get it, but I just sort of want to point this out as a whole.
[1:15:17] Absolutely.
[1:15:18] But I don't think that the options are only you take on the kid or the kid goes into foster care. Because if you're not taking on the kid, someone's going to step up.
[1:15:29] Okay. Yeah.
[1:15:32] Like if you sit down with your mom and say, listen, mom, I'm a single guy. I've still got to attract a quality woman. I told her that she shouldn't get involved in these kinds of situations. She never asked me for any advice. I wasn't close to her. You were, you followed this whole thing. This is on you. You knew she was dating this guy. You didn't forcefully intervene. Your husband knew she was dating this guy. You didn't forcefully intervene, whatever that would look like. And you either... didn't give her good advice, or maybe you gave her some good advice, she didn't listen to it, but you were still involved in the situation. I wasn't, this does not land on me. I didn't raise her. And she wasn't in contact with me, and I gave her good advice in the past that she never listened to, so this is on you. And if she says, oh, my husband doesn't, it's like, that's yours to sort out. He's not coming to me. He's your grandson. You raised your daughter. I didn't you gave her her values you were in charge of her entire development this is yours this is your grandchild you have to solve this problem don't put him into foster care and if this puts friction between you and your husband i mean you guys have already had your kids i haven't, right so if this puts friction between you and your husband that is much preferable then i don't even get a wife at all because of this burden and and i'm just going to put him in dead care anyway it because i got a job.
[1:16:57] Yeah yeah yeah.
[1:16:59] You can take care of him at home i can't yeah like it makes no sense for me to do it.
[1:17:05] Yeah that's that's that's a great point yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna put him in daycare or whatever i can.
[1:17:12] And then what am i gonna do like if i want to go on dates i want to have a relationship and i've got a a kid i i barely even knew i mean how many times have you met this kid over the course of his life i.
[1:17:23] Facetim a bunch i only met him in the house and twice so farm, unfortunately.
[1:17:28] So you have no bond. Has your mother spent more time with him?
[1:17:33] Oh, absolutely. They used to spend... He used to spend one night a week at my mom's house. He used to sleep over once a week.
[1:17:44] Do you have a ping pong battle? You need to hit some tender body part of yours for even thinking about this shit.
[1:17:53] Yeah.
[1:17:54] No, seriously, bro. You've met the kid twice. He's got no bond with you. He's totally bonded with your mother.
[1:18:01] Yeah. Of course, he has to take it. Yeah, it's a no-brainer. and um yeah i don't know why i was kind of like uh just like overthinking at work or like you know not really losing sleep but like just kind of thinking about it at night where i'm just like man like you know what's gonna happen of this kid but i think you know the only the only real solution is my mom take care of him i mean they're gonna freaking retire like my stepdad's retired and my mom's gonna retire uh this year next year if that like you know it's it's i don't know why She could just retire.
[1:18:34] A little early or whatever, but no, this is their kid. I mean, they were involved. They raised her, your sister. They were involved. They knew the whole thing. They bonded with him. They've got the time, and you're a young man in search of a relationship. You can't, you can't, and you didn't create this kid. You weren't involved with your sister, and they're going to have to, they have to deal with it. It's their responsibility. They were involved.
[1:18:58] Right. Right. No, you're right, and I appreciate you, uh, You tell me like it is, you know, because I don't have a lot of thinking the way I was.
[1:19:09] Listen, bro. And, you know, man to man, I love you for this dedication to what's right. I appreciate that. And I think it's a beautiful thing. Just you got to be really rigorous about where you apply your ethics. This is not the situation.
[1:19:23] Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. You're right. And I appreciate you pointing that out. That's, you know, very, very thoughtful. But yeah, moving forward, I don't know how I'm going to figure out a way to talk to my mom. Like, hey, listen, like, in reality speaking, this is the only way it's going to work is if you take him. You know, I know the father, the stepfather doesn't want him. But, you know, I don't know.
[1:19:48] You can just say, sorry to interrupt, I know that your husband doesn't want him, but your husband is partly responsible for him being here because he was intimately involved with this for the last 14 years.
[1:20:01] Right, right. That's true.
[1:20:02] Since she was in her mid-teens, right?
[1:20:05] Absolutely.
[1:20:06] Yeah, so he helped raise her, he helped guide her, he was in close contact with her, and he can't just say no.
[1:20:14] Right, right.
[1:20:15] Like that's, that's not a thing. And he can't just say no and dump it on the single young man who's working full time and has no, like they're literally retired. This is say, well, we'd say we're old. We go, yeah, well, you know, you raised her. And if she made bad decisions, that's partly on you as her mother. And you're going to have to pick up the pieces. Not me. I didn't raise her. yeah.
[1:20:38] No it's true yes sir no you're right you're right.
[1:20:40] And you don't you don't talk with your mother sorry to be annoying that the way you frame this in your mind is really important you don't talk to your mother you tell your mother.
[1:20:50] Okay. Yeah.
[1:20:51] You tell your mother, this is not on me. I barely had any contact with sis. She never took my good advice. I didn't raise her. I'm a young man. I've got no bandwidth to take him during the day. He's going to have to go into daycare. And if I put him into daycare, he's going to bite more kids. It's not the way that things are going to be. And how am I going to afford daycare? I've got a date. What am I going to do in the evenings? I need to be out in the world. I need to find a wife and I can't take on this burden because I'm not going to be able to get a wife who's going to want to marry a guy with some really traumatized kid who's got no bond with him. I mean, this kid has no experience with me. Like, none of this makes any sense at all. And you're not talking with her like a negotiation. Some things are a negotiation, right? Some things are not. You know, like my daughter is very keen to take me because, you know, she finds it funny to take me on crazy roller coasters. Like I'm pushing 60.
[1:21:47] My crazy roller coaster days are pretty deep in the rear view. So it's not really a negotiation. I'm just like, she's like, let's go on this crazy roller coaster. I'm like, nope, I'll do that little one of the kids village, you know, the little snake one. Okay. But I'm not going on this crazy spleen buster 9000 because those days are in the past for me. And so like, I'll go rock climbing. I'll go, you know, I'll do an hour and a half of pickleball, we'll go and do all of the fun stuff, but I'm not doing, you know, the gut buster 12,000, and so I'm not talking about it with her, I'm just telling her no, and with your mother, it's not a conversation, it's a fact, and if you approach it that way, then she will, she'll kick and scream probably, it'll take her a while to adjust to it, and you can talk about it with your stepdad as well, but, and I'm sorry that you have to do this, I mean, it's a horrible situation as a whole, and I sympathize most of all with the poor child and, of course, your deceased sister, but.
[1:22:46] You know it's not on you and you have to be a leader in this situation and say, you guys have the relationship you have the time you have the money i don't have either of those things you had a relationship with my sister you knew about the guatemalan boyfriend you didn't strongly intervene to save her and you didn't like the moment you heard of any violence you didn't absolutely insist that she get out of the relationship before she got pregnant you guys nurtured and allowed for and enabled this whole relationship the child is a product of your parenting not my being her brother right.
[1:23:21] Right right yeah absolutely.
[1:23:23] All right it sounds like i've made my point so i'll do my best to shut up which is not the easiest thing in the world for me but it sounds like we've we've got some progress is that fair to say yeah.
[1:23:33] Absolutely i feel a lot better um i don't know why i think i was just um giving myself a guilty conscience about not uh, you know rushing to adopt him but now since i've listened to you i definitely feel a lot better and like you know it is my life and i have to worry about my life you know it's not if i don't if i don't operate my own best interest no one else will and i have to figure out what's best for me, and um i ultimately have to talk to the, My mother and stepdad and say, hey, you know, this is a product of you. You guys didn't intervene. Whenever I tried giving my sister good advice, she didn't want to hear it. You know, I often got mocked and, you know, ridiculed for it growing up. And that's why I kind of like stepped away. So I'm going to see what they say. But it's obviously it's not a negotiation. It's something I'm going to tell them like, hey, you guys have to step up. uh you made a brilliant point they have the relationship they have the time they have the money i have neither of those things so i have to uh they have to step up it is what it is it is what.
[1:24:43] It is and and in return you can't just be chasing pretty girls you gotta make a commitment to find a good mother for your kids.
[1:24:53] Right right no you're right you're right i uh i definitely have to figure out, a good one and go from there.
[1:25:03] I mean, women as a whole like to shield people from the negative consequences of their actions, which is fine because women have evolved to deal with little kids and toddlers and babies. And, of course, you can't let babies learn and toddlers learn by dire consequences. But we men generally a little bit more than women are like, no, I mean, if bad decisions were made, people have to suffer those negative consequences. And the bad decisions were made on the part of your mother and stepfather. father. And of course, your sister paid the ultimate price if it was the case that she was murdered for her bad decision, which is really tragic. And now your mother and stepfather have to pay the consequences of their bad decisions. And it's brutal because women always want to shield people from the consequences of bad decisions. But we men have to uphold these standards so that fewer bad decisions get made in the future. All right. I'll stop here. Is there anything else that you wanted to mention?
[1:25:54] No, that's it. I appreciate your time and everything. It was my first time ever calling in on any talk show.
[1:26:01] Oh yeah, how was it for you? Sorry, just let me ask that.
[1:26:03] It was great.
[1:26:03] You're like coming in out of nowhere not knowing who the hell I am, right?
[1:26:06] No, well, I one of my best friends recommended me to you and told me about peaceful parenting and everything, and I thought it was very interesting and I did a little Wikipedia page search on you just to see who you were, but what I was going to say is I really appreciate the full, you know, taking your time and doing this and sound advice. You know, I really appreciate it. And, you know, I know I don't know you, but it feels like you're like a really good friend telling me what I need to hear, you know?
[1:26:38] Well, I appreciate that. And I hope you'll keep me posted about how things are going. And I really do appreciate the call tonight.
[1:26:43] We'll do. We'll do.
[1:26:45] Thanks, brother. Take care.
[1:26:46] Thank you very much.
[1:26:47] Bye-bye.
[1:26:48] All right. Bye-bye.
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